The Boot and the Baboon
Saraman
Disclaimer: Obviously, LOTR is not mine. If it was, we would all be in big trouble! I love all of the characters dearly, but sometimes I just go crazy and everybody dies in the end. Here's my attempt at a serious story. (Side note: When I mentioned that the Fellowship was stoned from drinking beer, I meant that they drank so much that it was like being stoned from drugs. Besides, 'stoned' sounds so much better than boring old 'drunk'.)
Chapter I
One day, Frodo disappeared. The Fellowship was visiting the Shire that very day, and when they noticed he was gone, they organized a search party that went all over the world. They didn't stop searching until they thought they saw him, but it was too late. They didn't see him. What they saw was a boot. A big boot. It walked (hopped) and talked just like Frodo. But that is where the resemblance stopped.
"Oh dear!" said the boot. "My name is Mr. Frodo. Don't you recognize me?" Everyone shook their heads no.
"Kind of resembles Gollum, if I have to say," put in Sam. "Though I don't believe that he could fit in there." He knocked on the boot.
"Nobody home," said Sam.
"Boot?" said Merry. "Did somebody say boot? Ha ha! Boots are so funny! He he! Did I just say boot? Oh, ha ha ha! That's so funny!" Merry fell to the ground and continued his laughing fest, much to the amusement of the others.
"Excuse me," said Pippin, breaking Merry from his fun. "BUT, WE'RE TRYING TO LOCATE FRODO, in case you hadn't noticed!" Merry's laughter came to a screeching halt.
"What?" he asked. "Who are we looking for?"
"We are asking this boot if he knows where Mr. Frodo is," replied Sam.
"Did you say boot?" asked Merry. He turned and saw the boot. "Ah, ha, ah, ha, ah, ha!" He convulsed with laughter.
"Meriodoc Brandybuck!" shrieked Gandalf. "Of all the nuisances in this world, you are the worst! How can we ask this boot anything if you make fun of it and hurt its feelings?"
"Oh," said Merry. "I'm sorry, Mr. Boot." His eyes went crazy. "Did I just say the b-word? Ah ha he ho har he ha ho!" Everyone and their dog rolled their eyes in exasperation and disgust.
"Mr. Boot," said Gandalf, ignoring Merry's annoying high-pitched laughter, "Have you seen Mr. Frodo?"
"I am Mr. Frodo," said the boot. "I've been turned into a boot by a magical spell. I don't know who did it."
"How about some lunch?" offered Pippin, not at all pleased by his friend's uproarious laughter. Someone picked up the boot, because he could not walk so fast by hopping. Then, they went to look for Mr. Frodo at Mt. Doom.
"But," said the boot, "I'm Mr. Frodo!"
"No, you're not," said Denethor. He swung past them on a vine and slammed into a tree.
"Denethor, Denethor, Denethor of the Jungle strong as he can be!" came the collective singing of the Fellowship. After the former steward had faked his death, he went as feral as a boar and relocated himself to the woods. After he lived on roots and berries for several full years, he took up swinging from vines. Soon, the voluptuous fur coat he sported had frayed into rags. People who saw him thought that he was a 'stupid, witless, jungle bum'. Actually, this statement described Denethor accurately.
"Hey folks," called Denethor in a voice that oddly resembled Goofy. "Har ha har, autopilot! Ha har ha! Oh, hello dad," he said, indicating Sam. "I'm so glad you came to my house to return my arm. I really need it! Har ha har!" Legolas shot him.
Then, the Fellowship took the boot to Mt. Doom and threw it in. Sadly enough, the boot had been telling the truth and he actually was Mr. Frodo. But the reason that the Fellowship had destroyed him was because he talked their ears off and said stupid things like, 'Frambolè', 'Ǽcrabtree, and 'fiancée'. He might have gone crazy towards the end, probably right before he hit the scorching lava. But also, Gandalf was sad because he thought that perhaps the boot might be Frodo. The only reason he didn't stop them was because he was afraid. And rightly so. If he would have spoken up, Aragorn, yes the daddy's girl himself, would have made everyone take a vote to see if they should lob Gandalf in the lava with the boot. And if that vote had been taken, I think the Fellowship would have unanimously decided to divest themselves of the pompous wizard. So, that was a very wise decision on the part of Gandalf. As the Fellowship came down from the top of the mountain, they saw a light in the distance. As they drew near, they realized that it was a pub. So after some discussion, they decided to go inside. They went in and ordered some beer, knocking back at least three pints per person. Then, they all got stoned and saw little white rabbits dancing before their eyes. But Merry and Pippin liked these rabbits and even named three of them. And also, the Hobbits kept right on drinking until they thought they saw a pretty little Hobbit lass. At the same time, Gimli felt that he was seeing two ugly Dwarf women running at him.
"A, ha, ha!" said the dwarf. "Kissy, kissy!" Merry and Pippin smooched the hobbit girl and Gimli kissed the ugly Dwarf women. Gimli's mind cleared first and he noticed that the ugly little Dwarf women had changed before his eyes into none other than Merry and Pippin.
"Ish caquin, I da rug nul!" shouted the dwarf, hitting them off with his burly fists.
"Man is she tough!" commented Merry, rubbing his head.
"She sure is," agreed Pippin, "but she kisses right well." Then, Gimli knocked them senseless and stormed away.
They booked rooms in the pub for the night, but what they didn't realize was that under one of the beds was a crab. Now this wasn't just any old crab, this crab had lived in the now destroyed boot for several years and as it fell into the fire, the crab managed to get out and cling on to the side of the mountain. And the crab was exceedingly livid about the destruction of his home. You see, when Frodo was first transformed into a boot, the crab had climbed inside when he was sleeping. When the boot woke up, it felt like something was tickling it. Then, it got real scared. It hipped and it hopped. It tried desperately to get away, but since the crab was inside, it couldn't get away. He took the crab with him wherever he went. Oh, the poor boot!
But after the crab escaped, he followed the Fellowship to the pub and was lying in wait under a bed to have his revenge. The Fellowship ambled sleepily into their room. As Legolas was about to fall into bed, the crab crawled out to begin his business. Legolas unknowingly stepped on the crab and squished him. And that's how the cookie crumbles!
"I just stepped on something!" shrieked Legolas. "It was all hard and prickly!" All eyes went to the floor. What they saw was a pile of red chips and some guts, obviously all that remained of the shell and the insides of the crab. And that was that.
Suffice it to say, the Fellowship never found Frodo. But the next day, an evil wizard turned almost everybody into cabbages and mushrooms. Legolas escaped, only to be transformed into a baboon. The cabbages rolled away, because that was all they could do. The mushrooms just sat there hoping they wouldn't get eaten by a hobbit, because that was all they could do. The baboon went to Mirkwood and sat looking stupidly at Thranduil, because that was all he could do.