Chapter II

Now, as you would know if you happened to have read the previous chapter, more than likely, Legolas was the only member of the Fellowship that wasn't turned into a vegetable. The reason for this was that in all magic, one rule stood prominently above the rest: "When transforming creatures, Elves must not be turned into anything less noble than a baboon." So what did the evil wizard do: He did the exact worst he could do by transforming Legolas into a primate, a baboon to be specific. Though he had taken the form of a monkey, his mind had not altered at all. It was still as keen as it had been.

You can imagine the surprise on Thranduil's face when this baboon comes bounding into the throne room and more or less sits there staring at him. The first thing the king did was say:

"Shoo! Shoo monkey!" But Legolas gave him the puppy dog eyes, not exactly as cute as when a pup does it, but to basically the same effect.

"Awww," said Thranduil. "You're a nice monkey, aren't you?" Legolas nodded, wondering how he was going to explain that this 'monkey' his father was seeing was in reality, his own son. Maybe a game of charades would do the trick. Legolas balanced himself on his back legs and pantomimed shooting an arrow.

"Wow," said Thranduil. "What a smart monkey!" Legolas mentally sighed. This was going to try his patience. Legolas pretended to comb the long blonde hair he had previously possessed, in hopes of cluing his father off in that manner.

"Oh," cooed Thranduil. "He wants a wig! I'll bet he wants to have hair like I've got!" So he found a wig made from an Orc scalp that he had taken and put it on Legolas' head.

Oh, Legolas thought, Take this thing off me right now! It stinks like Orc! Legolas wasn't surprised that his father took enemy scalps. This had now become a long running tradition. For, as Legolas knew but not many other people, Thranduil was prone to succumb to passing bouts of insanity. When these occasions randomly popped up, Thranduil became very odd. In fact, he experienced a complete and total change of character. He believed himself to be Tisquantum, of the Potuxit Tribe. Even though scalping one's enemy was a French custom, Thranduil didn't know that. He thought the Indians had come up with it. And so, if he happened to be at war when his stability of mind crumbled, he would scalp his adversaries and make wigs out of the hair. Then, he would hang them from the ceiling of his throne room, to the absolute disgust of Legolas and the Mirkwood courtiers. And this is how Thranduil happened to have a spare wig lying around to bestow upon a wandering baboon.

But soon, Legolas grew weary of smelling the noxious scent of the wig, so he ripped it off his head and shredded it, tossing the bits and pieces of hair every which way. Thranduil was livid.

"Don't you know I take that scalp from Dark Hair, the great sachem of the Narragansetts?!" he bellowed. "The Potuxits are going to war!"

Oh boy, thought Legolas. Here we go again. Thranduil called in his attendants and ordered them to bring his war paint.

"When the stars wake from sleep," he said, "the mighty Potuxit Tribe will have brought to ruin the evil killer of the wig! Two Suns gifted it to me when I was a little kahuna. Kamehaha awikiniki la…" Thranduil began to sing.

The attendants were truly alarmed. Now Thranduil was convinced that he was Kameahmeah I from the Islands! What next? He donned one of his black Orc wigs and grasped a spear.

"I am King Kameahmeah I. Follow me my warriors, yahahahaha!" He scrambled to the fore, nearly trampling the baboon.

"Where are my warriors?" asked Thranduil. "Were they not here but a moment ago?"

"Here we are!" called the two attendants. They had grown used to Thranduil's intermittent insanity and were accustomed to playing along when it occurred. If they didn't, they might get speared.

"Ah, there you are Two Suns," said Thranduil. "Why are you not dressed for battle? Today the river will run red with the blood of the killer of wigs!" The servants hurriedly splashed some red pigment on their faces and ran around in circles hollering war chants.

Legolas stood by, taken aback by how badly the insanity had become. This was so entertaining! It was like watching a reenactment of the Battle of Little Bighorn. Thranduil ripped off his shirt and splattered some paint in the shape of a hand-print on his chest.

"I take the name Cokoum, because I have the strength of the bear!" Then, he began to chant and he also grabbed a buffalo head from somewhere and started bobbing it up and down in an almost serpentine manner.

"No boy, no note!" he cried suddenly, startling everyone from their dazed stupor. The attendants halted their Rain Dance.

"What are you doing?" asked Thranduil. "Why are you standing around when there is work to be done? And what do you have on your faces? What do you think you are, savages?! Back to your duties!" The attendants were used to this. No surprises anymore.

But enough said about the king's passing insanities! What about our dear Legolas, trapped in the body of a witless baboon?