Chapter III

Well, back to our buddy Legolas the baboon. After Thranduil regained some semblance of his sanity, Legolas decided that it might be a good idea to write his father a note. He rummaged through a cupboard and found a pen and ink, and also some paper. He hurriedly scrawled some words with his flowing elvish script and handed the paper to a highly amused Thranduil.

"What's this?" asked the king. He took one look at the paper and his eyes nearly popped out of his head.

"Wha- Wha- Wha?" he began in astonishment. Then, he read the note. "It reads: Dyer Thranduil: My nag is Leggyloo- Legolas. I sam your sum, Leg-less. I have ban transferred into a bacon."

That's transformed, Legolas wanted to say. He knew that his father could not read so well without his lenses. You see, he lost them two weeks ago. Actually, they were solid glass. When Thranduil went to sit on his throne during the night, he forgot that he left his dentures on it, and, well, let's just say it wasn't pretty! He shrieked so loud and at just the right pitch that it shattered his lenses like a wine glass! But now, he didn't even take responsibility! If he was reading something and he misread several of the words, he would yell:

"Whoever wrote this needs to go back to elf daycare!" Several of the kingdom's best scribes were thrown back in with the tiny tots, where they learned to write all over again.

"What does this mean?" asked Thranduil. "Where's the bacon?" Legolas indicated himself and mouthed the word 'baboon'. Thranduil didn't have a clue.

"Do they eat monkeys for bacon where you come from?" he asked. Legolas seized the paper and wrote out the word 'baboon' much bolder and far bigger. Thranduil looked at it.

"Oh," he said. "You're a baboon. So I guess I was mistaken. How perfectly thrilling to meet a baboon!"

Legolas was glad that Thranduil didn't know what he was thinking. He might have seen that the baboon thought that he sounded very feminine when he said that last line. Presently, Legolas had a bright idea. He ran around the corner, grabbed a guard by the arm and hauled him in. Then, he handed him the note. The guard read it aloud.

"Dear Thranduil: My name is Legolas. I am your son, Legolas. I have been transformed into a baboon."

"What?" asked Thranduil, approaching the guard. "You are my son?" He enveloped the bewildered soldier in a tight embrace.

"After all these years!" he exulted. "You have finally returned to me! You look different, but I guess I've seen a baboon before that resembled you." The guard peeled the king's arms off of him, obviously offended.

"My lord," he said. "I believe the monkey wrote this note." Thranduil glanced down at Legolas.

"Oh," he said. "So you're Legolas. I was half-way hoping it was you. I always knew that if I had to compare you to any animal, it would be a baboon. Quite noble creatures, really." Legolas sighed and gave a 'what now?' gesture.

"Well," said Thranduil. "Oh guard, you are dismissed." The guard walked out.

"Not to go on vacation!" Thranduil called after him.

"Dang!" they heard from the hall. And then, another guard dragged the first one back into the throne room. He was now carrying a suitcase, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a lei, and he boasted a tourist camera around his neck.

"Hi," said the first guard. "I was just kickin' back- You know, takin' a five minute break. Did I forget to say, 'Aloha, dude'?"

"Not now, you neophyte!" railed Thranduil. "Can't you see that this baboon is prince Legolas?"

"Yeah!" said the guards. "But we still lovehim anyway." They bestowed a few welcoming pats upon the baboon.

But what no one knew was that Thranduil was the evil wizard in disguise. Not really. Actually, the evil wizard, his name was Todo Loamsdown of Hardbottle, yes folks, he was a Hobbit, had switched bodies with Thranduil and was just trying to make sure that teen heartthrob Legolas was always a baboon. But then, Legolas grabbed a whistle that one of the guards had and blew it thrice. Instantaneously, three cabbages rolled in the door. They rolled all the way up to the throne and sat there, because that was all they could do. Legolas gestured at the cabbages and wrote the word 'friends' on the paper. He then handed it to Thranduil/evil wizard.

"Oh!" exulted Thranduil. "Why they're your friends! How quaint!" Suddenly, the closet door on the eastern side of the hall began to grind open.

"No!" cried Thranduil/evil wizard, hurriedly firing an arrow from his longbow that penetrated the heavy wood of the door and secured it to the doorjamb. It was bolted fast! And then, they heard a slight grunting noise coming from the closet. Someone was pushing against it!

"It's me!" squeaked a tiny voice, muffled substantially by the broad timber of the door. "Please let me out!"

"Who's me?" called Legolas, feeling very stupid that he had never tried talking before.

"It's me, Thranduil!"