Chapter IV
Suddenly, an old leather boot came hopping in the door.
"I'm back!" it said. "It's a good thing for you cabbages and baboons that Mt. Doom was frozen over."
"It certainly is," agreed Legolas. "My cabbage friends would agree, I'm sure, if they could speak." The cabbages just sat there.
"But," continued the boot/Frodo, "where are the other members of the Fellowship?"
"They are common meadow mushrooms," said the baboon. "Perhaps they've become a Hobbit specialty by now."
"Oh well," said the boot. "What's that knocking noise in the closet?"
"It's me, Thranduil!" came the whiny voice again.
"I'm opening this closet!" said Legolas. He made towards the door.
"No!" cried Thranduil/evil wizard. He seized another arrow and fired it at Legolas. But our favorite baboon spun around, caught the arrow, grabbed his own bow, and shot Thranduil/evil wizard.
"Now I must join the great council fire of my fathers!" said the evil wizard/Thranduil. He fell over dead, all the while whooping like a Native American/Indian/Indian American/American Indian.
"Yay!" cheered the crowd. "The bad thing is dead!" Legolas wrenched the door open and saw a little hobbit.
"It's me, Thranduil!" he squeaked.
"Yes, we know that already," said Legolas. "I'm a baboon. And these are my cabbage and boot friends."
"Superb!" said Thranduil. "Now how are we going to change back?"
"I know!" said a voice. It was Gandalf! One of the cabbages had once again transformed into the wizard.
"I have been trying for weeks to find the right words," he said. "I searched for the words in all the tongues of Men, Elves, and Orcs. But, I finally realized that it was simpler than I thought. The words of the counter-spell were: 'Always use Istari White to keep your garments sparkling bright.' That simple."
Instantly, everyone turned into parrots.
"Pineapple, pineapple, pineapple!" they all chanted psychotically. Soon, it grew louder and louder and louder and faster and faster "Pineapple, pineapple, pineapple!" An attendant rushed in and stared, aghast.
"Would you please say something different?" he asked.
"Coconut, coconut, coconut!" they all chanted. The attendant ambled away muttering "It's all in your head. It's all in your head…" Presently, three more parrots flew in, chanting, "watermelon, watermelon, watermelon."
"That's it!" shouted one of the parrots. "Mellon!" Everyone turned into numerous exotic species of poison dart frogs.
"Ribbit," said Legolas, looking at himself in a mirror. "I'm blue! Auugh!"
"Hello Merry, Pippin, and Sam," greeted Frodo, quite pleased that he was a boot no more. "I'm glad to see you weren't eaten."
"Oh was it close," said Pippin. "Rosie Cotton was reaching for Sam the moment you turned us into parrots."
"She betrayed me," remarked Sam in disgust and disbelief. "She was going to eat her Sam. Doesn't she know her Sam?"
"I know," said Merry "How could she have not recognized you? You were the fattest mushroom around!"
"I'm gonna poison you," croaked Sam, hopping after a fleeing Meriodoc Brandybuck.
"Ah, I have it!" shouted a frog. "Bigwig!" All and sundry became trees.
"Yeah!" boomed Pippin, by far the largest tree of the bunch. "Now we can go pound Treebeard!"
"Let's go!" agreed Merry.
"Now don't be hasty, Master Meriodoc!" said Aragorn, waving a leafy hand at them. "Look down." Both of the eager Ents' eyes went down. They saw a woodcutter with a chainsaw!
"Ah ha ha ha!" said the logger, his eyes cone crazy.
"Half a moment," said Pippin. "I know that voice."
"It's me, Treebeard," said the logger. "I've been transformed by an ev-"
"We know," said everyone collectively.