Chapter Five

Heartbreak and Determination

The mind is a wondrous thing when you stop to consider it. It runs on electrical impulses…some are voluntary…like your brain giving your arm the command to swing or your legs the order to run. Many, many more impulses are involuntary. You never have to tell your lungs to breathe…you never have to tell your eyes to see.

You never have to tell your heart to beat or break. Somehow it knows how to do that all on its own. And when the heartbreak is just too much for the mind to deal with, sometimes the mind decides to shut down for a while.

And that's exactly what happened to Jordan. She didn't regain consciousness for two days, during which time Garret and Woody nearly came to blows over her condition. Woody wanted to see Jordan. Garret blamed Woody for her state of health. "She loves you…it might have taken her a while to admit it…and damn it, her timing was terrible, but she loves you.'

"I don't know," Woody replied, still dubious. "I'm not sure some of it's not pity. But I want to see her, Garret. I need to…I need to make sure she's all right."

"No. Not right now. She's still too fragile. You should to leave her alone until she gets her bearings. Do you hear me?"

"You can't stop me."

"I can sure as hell try," Garret replied, his tone and eyes cold.

Nigel didn't know how to tell either of them that they both were a large part of Jordan's problem.Nigel was still processing what the rest of the issue could be. The nurses and doctors were only letting him into Jordan's room right now anyway, despite Garret's seemingly paternal attitude about the whole situation. And this was only because Jordan kept calling out for Nigel, even in her state of unconsciousness.

"Nigel," she called out again the afternoon of the second day.

"What, love? Come back to me….please."

"Nige?" she whispered, opening her eyes and trying to focus. "Where am I?"

"The hospital, love. Do you remember what happened?"

"I remember going into autopsy with Woody…"

"And…"

"That's it."

"Do you remember Sarah Manning?"

The look that ran across her fact told him that she did. She turned her head towards the wall. "Yes," she whispered.

Gently Nigel reached out and turned her face back to his. "Want to tell me about it, love?"

"I don't really remember anything else," she whispered as Nigel handed her a tissue.

"Jordan, why haven't you told anyone before now?"

"Typical victim attitude, I guess, Nige. I should have been more alert…I knew the risks of walking through a parking deck alone at that hour…fear that if I reported it, the attacker might come back…guilt…shame…." She swallowed hard and turned her face away from Nigel's.

"And the fact that Woody is the lead detective on these rapes?"

She nodded. "I couldn't bear his pity…or those looks that some cops give ra.. sexual assault victims." She still had trouble making her lips form the word.

"You could tell Lois, Santana, or Annie."

"He'd still have to know. Woody would still have to know…he's the lead detective."

Nigel nodded and gently took her hand. "I understand…I do... I don't agree with your decision not to tell, but I understand."

"Thanks, Nige."

Nigel thought for a moment. "Jordan, when did this take place…when did you get attacked?"

"Three months ago… nearly four."

He nodded. "You know that makes you the attacker's first victim." He held her gaze for a few moments. Jordan knew what he was alluding to. As the first victim of the attacker, she could hold valuable clues on why he started, who he chose as his targets and why, and the reason he had gone from merely sexually assaulting victims to killing them.

She knew this…and that made her guilt of withholding the information even more acute. But her fear and guilt kept her nearly paralyzed. "Nigel…please…"

"I'm not going to try to force you into talking to the police…although I think you eventually will. You've got to do it on your own timetable, though. And everyone needs to respect that."

She nodded. Then a thought struck her. "What am I going to tell everyone…why I collapsed in autopsy?"

"The truth….or at least a version of it. The stress of your recent past…your father's leaving Boston, Garret and Slokum, Woody's pushing you away….then this case….the stress just all caught up with you at once. You are allowed to be human, you know," Nigel chuckled.

She smiled at him weakly. "Funny…somehow I think Garret and Woody may have a hard time swallowing that."

"Maybe…maybe not. But I don't think you need to go home and be alone now." Nigel was thankful that like a lot of rape victims, Jordan had blocked out many of the memories of the actual event for the present…although he was sure with time, she would remember more. And he didn't want her to be by herself when she did.

"I don't want to be. Please don't leave me by myself, Nigel. You're the only person I can trust right now. Could I…"

"You don't have to ask. My current roommate is AWOL in Europe…you're as welcome as the sunshine, love."

"She's going home with you?" Woody asked Nigel, nearly incredulous as the tall man helped sign Jordan out of the hospital.

"Is that so hard to believe?" Nigel asked in return, signing the final paper and handing it back to the nurse with a smile.

"I agree that she doesn't need to be alone…but why does she want to go with you?"

"Well, it could be that Jordan and I have been friends for a long time…and right now with her father gone, her relationship with Garret in tatters, and then your rejection of her, where else is she supposed to go?" Nigel gave Woody a pointed look. "Surely you didn't expect her to stay with you…or ask you to stay with her?"

Woody looked away. No…he hadn't expected her to show up on his doorstep, but he did harbor the thought that she would ask him to camp out on her couch for a while. And to tell the truth, he had been looking forward to it…to seeing her again…somewhere other than work.

But it wasn't to be. He watched with regret and suspicion as Nigel pushed Jordan's wheelchair down the hall and helped her into her car. The doctor and Nigel said that stress was causing Jordan's health problems. If he was the cause…or even part of it…maybe it was better he stay away from her for awhile…even though everything in the detective in him was screaming there was something more to Jordan's story than just stress.

And he was damned and determined to find out what it was.