CHAPTER 3: Why Robots Shouldn't Get Oiled
MEANWHILE, ON RAZORBEARD'S SHIP
Pirate 4: And that's my suggestion!
Razorbeard: .
Pirate 4: Huh? Could you say that again?
Razorbeard: .
Pirate 4: Hey, author guy? Could you un-mute him?
Author: Sure. What's the point of having him here if he can't talk?
Razorbeard: Ah. It feels better to talk again. Now I like your suggestion. It involves *MUTE* . *UN-MUTE* which I like. Now if you could only invent something to destroy the mute button?
Pirate 4: Even if they don't hear it now, they'll see it eventually. Right, Mr. Author sir?
Author: Don't talk to me. Just for that, I'm ending your scene early.
Razorbeard: WHY YOU LITTLE PIECE OF
MEANWHILE, AT THE NEW HOODLUM HEADQUARTERS
Andre: These are the best of times, my brothers! Not only have we rebuilt the factory in two minutes, I've fixed the bugs in the Blood Gusher 2000! Here comes the first test subject now.
*A Hoodblaster comes out of a doorway*
Hoodblaster: Salutations, lord Andre. I proclaim this marvel of technology an absolute advancement in Hoodlum intelligence.
Andre: See? It works! Now, anyone who wants to become smarter, please push and shove your way into this little machine right here.
*All the Black Lums float idly*
Andre: Go! GO! Aw come on, don't you want to rule the world?
Black Lum 1: But we liek beeing stoopid!
Black Lum 2: Ya! Dis is da lief!
Andre: *sigh* Free whiskey on Friday nights from eight to eight o'five for all who enter the stupid machine.
All Black Lums: OH BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*All the Black Lums crowd into the Blood Gusher 2000*
Andre: Hahahahahahahaha! Soon, I will have a Hoodlum army that will be unbeatable! Why not? Why don't I taunt in Rustbucket's face!
*Andre flies up to a viewscreen, presses a few buttons and brings up the inside of Razorbeard's private cabin*
Razorbeard: Oh Sally, where would I be without you. This is soooooo nice.
Andre: Did I come at a bad time?
*Razorbeard, with a wet towel around his battery, turns his head to the viewscreen*
Razorbeard: Huh? What the? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Listen fuzzball, do NOT bother me when I'm getting oiled and rustproofed!
Andre: Oiled? Rustproofed? Someone's been getting naughty.
Razorbeard: Listen fuzzball, NOBODY disturbs me when I'm getting fixed up. Now why the hell did you call me?
Andre: Oh, I just wanted to tell you that in moments, my Hoodlum army will be so powerful and intelligent that we will come for you when they are ready.
Razorbeard: Well that's nice. I have a new toy myself! It's big, it's powerful and it'll kick your sorry army from here back to Saturn!
Andre: Whatever. But just for sanitary purposes, keep it inside your tin groin.
Razorbeard: How dare you!!!
Andre: Goodbye, El Perverto.
*The window shuts off*
Razorbeard: That guy makes me so mad. Men! Get the Destroyer Pirate ready for action!
Pirate 5: But sir! We're not done testing its half-life yet!
Razorbeard: Don't tell me what I can and can't do.
MEANWHILE, AT THE HEART OF THE WORLD
Rayman: You know Globox, I don't think getting kicked out of the tavern was so bad. I mean, the air was kind of polluted there, everyone acting all twisted and drunk and the maniac bartender. I still wonder what it's like to get drunk.
Murfy: Come on kid, being sober sucks. I learned that somewhere in the Marshes of Awakening. I tell you, that Elixir of Life really gets you twisted. I tell you, alcohol changed my life!
Rayman: Yeah. You went from helpful sidekick to sarcastic screwball in only one game.
Teensie 1: Huh? You mean you've never gotten drunk?
Rayman: I can't.
Grand Minimus: *desperately holding laughter in* Well, why not?
Rayman: No esophagus.
*All the Teensies in the Heart explode in laughter*
Rayman: Why is that so funny?
Globox: Meh, I don't find it funny. Besides, there might be another way you can experience that sweet plum juice induced feeling.
Rayman: There is?
Murfy: Sure. Here, I came across a can of Laser Detergent from Rayman 3.
Rayman: So?
Globox: Let me see it. Hmm? It's expired?
Murfy: Exactly! I heard that expired washing detergent gets you wacked ten times more effectively than fermented plum juice. Go on, try it!
*Rayman steps into the can. A tinted glow erupts from its top*
Rayman: Hey! I'm chaaaaaaaaanging.
*Another Teensie comes into the Heart at that moment*
Teensie 4: Rayman! Andre and Razorbeard are going to duel in the most arid part of Clearleaf Forest! Quick, Funkyboard there and destroy them!
Murfy: Uh, I think we have a problem.
Rayman: *hic* So you see, the problem with you guys is *hic* you're too boring! Lighten up and *hic* smell the flowers. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *faints*
Globox: I knew he should have just drank the plum juice.
TO BE CONTINUED.
MEANWHILE, ON RAZORBEARD'S SHIP
Pirate 4: And that's my suggestion!
Razorbeard: .
Pirate 4: Huh? Could you say that again?
Razorbeard: .
Pirate 4: Hey, author guy? Could you un-mute him?
Author: Sure. What's the point of having him here if he can't talk?
Razorbeard: Ah. It feels better to talk again. Now I like your suggestion. It involves *MUTE* . *UN-MUTE* which I like. Now if you could only invent something to destroy the mute button?
Pirate 4: Even if they don't hear it now, they'll see it eventually. Right, Mr. Author sir?
Author: Don't talk to me. Just for that, I'm ending your scene early.
Razorbeard: WHY YOU LITTLE PIECE OF
MEANWHILE, AT THE NEW HOODLUM HEADQUARTERS
Andre: These are the best of times, my brothers! Not only have we rebuilt the factory in two minutes, I've fixed the bugs in the Blood Gusher 2000! Here comes the first test subject now.
*A Hoodblaster comes out of a doorway*
Hoodblaster: Salutations, lord Andre. I proclaim this marvel of technology an absolute advancement in Hoodlum intelligence.
Andre: See? It works! Now, anyone who wants to become smarter, please push and shove your way into this little machine right here.
*All the Black Lums float idly*
Andre: Go! GO! Aw come on, don't you want to rule the world?
Black Lum 1: But we liek beeing stoopid!
Black Lum 2: Ya! Dis is da lief!
Andre: *sigh* Free whiskey on Friday nights from eight to eight o'five for all who enter the stupid machine.
All Black Lums: OH BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*All the Black Lums crowd into the Blood Gusher 2000*
Andre: Hahahahahahahaha! Soon, I will have a Hoodlum army that will be unbeatable! Why not? Why don't I taunt in Rustbucket's face!
*Andre flies up to a viewscreen, presses a few buttons and brings up the inside of Razorbeard's private cabin*
Razorbeard: Oh Sally, where would I be without you. This is soooooo nice.
Andre: Did I come at a bad time?
*Razorbeard, with a wet towel around his battery, turns his head to the viewscreen*
Razorbeard: Huh? What the? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Listen fuzzball, do NOT bother me when I'm getting oiled and rustproofed!
Andre: Oiled? Rustproofed? Someone's been getting naughty.
Razorbeard: Listen fuzzball, NOBODY disturbs me when I'm getting fixed up. Now why the hell did you call me?
Andre: Oh, I just wanted to tell you that in moments, my Hoodlum army will be so powerful and intelligent that we will come for you when they are ready.
Razorbeard: Well that's nice. I have a new toy myself! It's big, it's powerful and it'll kick your sorry army from here back to Saturn!
Andre: Whatever. But just for sanitary purposes, keep it inside your tin groin.
Razorbeard: How dare you!!!
Andre: Goodbye, El Perverto.
*The window shuts off*
Razorbeard: That guy makes me so mad. Men! Get the Destroyer Pirate ready for action!
Pirate 5: But sir! We're not done testing its half-life yet!
Razorbeard: Don't tell me what I can and can't do.
MEANWHILE, AT THE HEART OF THE WORLD
Rayman: You know Globox, I don't think getting kicked out of the tavern was so bad. I mean, the air was kind of polluted there, everyone acting all twisted and drunk and the maniac bartender. I still wonder what it's like to get drunk.
Murfy: Come on kid, being sober sucks. I learned that somewhere in the Marshes of Awakening. I tell you, that Elixir of Life really gets you twisted. I tell you, alcohol changed my life!
Rayman: Yeah. You went from helpful sidekick to sarcastic screwball in only one game.
Teensie 1: Huh? You mean you've never gotten drunk?
Rayman: I can't.
Grand Minimus: *desperately holding laughter in* Well, why not?
Rayman: No esophagus.
*All the Teensies in the Heart explode in laughter*
Rayman: Why is that so funny?
Globox: Meh, I don't find it funny. Besides, there might be another way you can experience that sweet plum juice induced feeling.
Rayman: There is?
Murfy: Sure. Here, I came across a can of Laser Detergent from Rayman 3.
Rayman: So?
Globox: Let me see it. Hmm? It's expired?
Murfy: Exactly! I heard that expired washing detergent gets you wacked ten times more effectively than fermented plum juice. Go on, try it!
*Rayman steps into the can. A tinted glow erupts from its top*
Rayman: Hey! I'm chaaaaaaaaanging.
*Another Teensie comes into the Heart at that moment*
Teensie 4: Rayman! Andre and Razorbeard are going to duel in the most arid part of Clearleaf Forest! Quick, Funkyboard there and destroy them!
Murfy: Uh, I think we have a problem.
Rayman: *hic* So you see, the problem with you guys is *hic* you're too boring! Lighten up and *hic* smell the flowers. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *faints*
Globox: I knew he should have just drank the plum juice.
TO BE CONTINUED.