A/N- two more chapters to go and ones more of an epilogue type thing.

CHAPTER 35- BATTLE PLANS

Shortly after all the alliances were destroyed, the peace status of the band (not that it was good to begin with) went into an even bigger downward spiral. There were many fights between once allied sections on an hourly basis. Instruments were no longer the only things getting damaged. There were always people who walked out of the band room with bumps and bruises and the occasional paper cut (the trombone and baritone players found paper to be a useful weapon and everyone else found out about it and followed their example). Then one day everyone started arguing about which section was the best.

"Tubas all the way!" Andy and Tim declared. "Anyone who says anything otherwise will have an appointment with our tuba bells."

"French horns are better," Christina said.

"No you seem to forget who the best section really is. The trumpets!" Jon yelled. "We ARE the band cuz you only hear us!"

"Yeah right," said Katie. "Bassoons are the best."

"No way. The clarinet section has the most people. We win," Schellen said.

"Well flutes can play higher so that makes us the best," said Karyn.

"Who cares? We have a saxophone god in our section so that makes us the best!" a saxophone player said.

"One good player doesn't make a good section. We have pretty good players so we're the best section," a trombone player said.

"HAHA don't make me laugh!" said Andy.

The trombone players hit Andy with their slides.

"OW!" Andy yelled. "YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!"

"YEAH!" Tim yelled.

They started chasing each other.

"Everyone knows the percussion section is really the best cuz we have class and don't argue. Plus it goes without saying," Pat said to the other percussionists who nodded an agreement.

"How violent," the bass clarinetists commented on the tubas and trombones behavior.

The arguing continued and soon everyone was violently attacking each other (the percussionists joined in because they were bored and Mike had been making fun of them). Mr. Reiderer walked in.

"I need a vacation," he said. "Hey that's a good idea."

He left, and instruments, chairs, percussion equipment, stands, and paper started flying everywhere. Soon the period ended. There wasn't a person in the room who didn't have a bump, bruise or paper cut. But everyone was still angry and wanted to continue fighting to see which section was the best. Scott being the genius of the band had a good idea.

"How about if we fight to the death and the section left standing is the best section?" Scott suggested.

"That's a dumb idea. Let's do it," Andy said. "All of us. Football field. With our instruments. But me and Tim need 24 hours to prepare."

"I think we all do stupid," said Jon.

Andy charged at Jon but Tim held him back.

"Save your energy for tomorrow," he said.

"This is gonna be so easy. Clarinets are so gonna win," said Catherine.

"Don't count on it," said Meghan. "Bassoons will definitely win this one."

"Flutes all the way!" said Erica.

"I think you're forgetting the real competition: the French horns," Amanda said.

"Nah we got this one," the trombone and baritone players said.

"Our saxophone god is immortal," a saxophone player said. "He will lead us to victory."

"Yes I will," said Mike.

"No the percussionists will kick butt!" said Pat.

"We're gonna stay out of this one. Too much violence," the bass clarinetists said.

Everyone exchanged 'you're going down' looks to each other and went to plan for tomorrow's war.

THE FLUTE PLAYERS' (AND JACKIE'S) PLAN

"We're so dead. Everyone's instrument is heavier than ours," said Karyn.

"Oh yeah I forgot about that," the flute players and Jackie said.

They sat in silence thinking about what to do.

"I have an idea!" said Erica. "What if we made our instruments heavier?"

"Duh that's our goal. But how are we gonna pull that off?" another flute player asked.

Karyn came up with an idea.

"What if we got some lead, make a tube and put our instruments in that tube?" Karyn suggested.

"That's a good idea but where can we get lead?" Jackie asked.

"Oh don't worry about that. I have connections," said Karyn.

That flute players and Jackie laughed evilly.

THE CLARINET PLAYERS' PLAN

"We need a plan that full proof!" Catherine said.

"I have an idea!" said Schellen. "We can build a Trojan clarinet and shoot HCl (hydrochloric acid) out of squirt guns and have some people out on the battlefield."

"Two questions: where are we gonna get the HCl and how can we get it in the squirt guns without it eating away at the plastic?" Michelle asked.

"The squirt guns will be easy. We put a lot of soap along the sides of the squirt guns, but you're not gonna like how we get the HCl," said Schellen.

"Oh come on it won't be that bad," another clarinet player said.

"There's only one way we can get it," said Schellen.

"Yeah. E-bay!" said Catherine.

"No too expensive. Plus they don't even sell it on e-bay anyways," said Schellen. "The way we have to do it is free but it involves gagging yourself."

"What…..?" the other clarinet players said.

"There's HCl in your stomach. You have to barf to get it," said Schellen.

"Eeeeeeeew!" all the clarinet players said.

"Good idea but gross," said Michelle. "But seeing as we can't think of anything else let's do it."

So they did.

THE SAXOPHONE PLAYERS' PLAN

"Ok guys. We need a plan of mass destruction to wipe out pretty much everyone but ourselves. So, any ideas?" Mike asked.

"How about we just spray everyone with pepper spray?" one of the saxophone players suggested.

"That's about as effective as spitting on them," another saxophone player said.

"That could work," said Mike. "We build saxophones that have pepper spray fire power and when they get close enough we press the button and spray them in the eyes! Here's how we'll pull this off: we'll attach a can of pepper spray inside of our instruments and figure out how we'll get it to spray."

"Huzzah for the Saxophones of the Round Table!" the saxophone players cheered.

They began working on it immediately.

THE BASSOON PLAYERS' PLAN

"It's really quite simple," said Katie, "all we have to do is fix our Contrabassoon of Doom 3000."

"That is easy," said Meghan. "Will you remember to test it this time?"

"Oh be quiet," said Katie.

"Our radioactive reeds will not fail this time," said Nicole.

"I was thinking about those reeds," said Katie. "If we use them this time we'll get killed along with pretty much everyone else. And if we're lucky enough to survive we'll definitely be looking at cancer a few years later."

"That didn't seem to be a problem before," said Nicole.

"Well before we wanted revenge and didn't really care what happened," said Katie.

"Ok so now what?" said Meghan.

"I went to plan V-C, which stands for plan vasoconstrictor," said Katie.

"Vaso-what?" Meghan and Nicole asked.

Katie pulled out 2 reeds that somewhat resembled darts except with shorter tips and a hole in the middle of the tips.

"These reeds are loaded with a very strong vasoconstrictor. When this reed is shot into someone's skin, the vasoconstrictor will leak out and cause the inner walls of blood vessels to shrink to the point where blood can't get through it so it clots and prevents circulation. And you know what happens when blood doesn't circulate."

"Heart attack! What a painful way to go! Yes that's genius!" said Meghan.

"I know," said Katie. "I can't wait for tomorrow."

THE FRENCH HORN PLAYERS' PLAN

"So anyone have any ideas?" Jessica asked.

"Not right now," said Amanda.

"Yeah we need an idea and it's gotta be a good one," said Christina.

"How about we make paper airplanes that are sharp enough to cause super deep cuts?" Amanda suggested.

"Yes we'll do that. But we need to do something else too. Something with our instruments," said Jessica.

"I got it," said Christina. "We can make grenades that release laughing gas when they explode. We can store them in our instruments for safe keeping so no one steals them. Everyone will be all out of it and walk off a cliff or something and we'll win."
"Excellent. Where will we get the laughing gas?" Jessica asked.

"I'll take care of that," said Amanda. "My uncle's fiancé's friend's cousin's half brother's girlfriend's friend is a dentist. I'll just borrow some from the office."

"Wow. How long did it take before you could say that flawlessly?" Christina asked.

"I don't know but it took a while," said Amanda.

THE TRUMPET PLAYERS' PLAN

"Ok gang," said Jon, "we're gonna do this and we're gonna do it my way. Anyone who says anything otherwise will be thought of as an enemy."

"Ok," the trumpet players said.

"Now here's what we're gonna do," said Jon. "Nothing special. We will just sneak to the football field early and spread 5 gallons of valve oil on the field. Everyone will be too busy trying to stand up to fight and we will win."

"Yeah but then we'll be slipping and sliding too," another trumpet player said.

"I knew you would say that. Which is why I invented valve oil resistant shoes. There's enough traction on them to stand up and run around in any oil spill," said Jon.

He pulled out a pair of bright red shoes with puke green polka dots and brown stripes.

"Those are the most disgusting shoes I've ever seen in my life. It looks like they were once red and then your dog barfed and crapped on them," one of the trumpet players said.

"First of all I don't have a dog. Second, it would have to take skill to barf in circles and third if you don't like them then don't wear them and I will laugh as you try to stand up tomorrow," said Jon. "I know the shoes look disgusting but the resistance to oil is the best you'll ever find on shoes."

"Those are the only shoes I know of that have it," another trumpet player mumbled.

"I heard that," Jon snapped. "Now put them on so we can test them."

The trumpet players put on the shoes and walked across an oil spill. Like Jon said, the shoes had excellent oil resistance.

"Tomorrow will be awesome," said Jon.

The trumpet players nodded an agreement.

THE TROMBONE/BARIOTNE PLAYERS' PLAN

"What we're gonna do is simple and easy to make," a trombone player said, "we get some metal, make a super sharp blade at one end and attach the other end to our slides. Then when we ram our slides into people they'll get stabbed by the sharp end of the blade."

"What about us?" the baritone players asked, "we don't have slides."

"Just stick to hitting people with your instruments. You guys are strong and you're good at it," another trombone player said.

The baritone players were satisfied with the compliment. Meanwhile the trombone players went to work on their metal. In less than 15 minutes they were done. Their blades were so sharp that merely lightly brushing it with a finger would cause a fairly deep cut.

"Everyone is so dead tomorrow," a trombone player said.

"Heck yes!" the other trombone and baritone players said, punching the air.

THE TUBA PLAYERS' PLAN

"Andy we need to think of something good," said Tim.

"I agree. Let's think," said Andy.

They thought for a good half hour. Tim came up with an idea.

"I got it!" he said.

"Let's hear it. I didn't come up with anything," said Andy.

"We could build a giant tuba with a bell 20ft wide and use it like a vacuum cleaner," said Tim.

"Ok, so we create a powerful suction that will suck people into the tuba and then we deal with them after we win?" said Andy.

"Exactly," said Tim.

"What are we waiting for? Let's get to work. Can we put a huge fan blade type thing in it?" said Andy.

"Nah let's be humane about that. But my plans for torture for the people that get caught in the tuba will make them wish for the fan blade," said Tim.

"Oh goody," said Andy rubbing his hands together. "This will be fun."

THE PERCUSSIONISTS' PLAN

"We've got to use every piece of percussion equipment we've got," said Pat.

"And I have the perfect idea," said Scott.

"Excellent! What is it?"

"Using our percussion equipment and state of the art technology I can create an undefeatable robot. We can pilot it and everything. We could send some people out to fight if we want. But the robot can fight our war for us," said Scott.

"Yeah we can get the robot to fire drum sticks and xylophone keys and piano keys and mallets!" said Lindsay.

"And it should have a laser too. That would be awesome," said Don.

"I love technology! There's no way we can lose now," said Megan.

"Let's get to work. We need to make plans and build it. And we don't have much time," said Pat.

"I think we can pull it off," said Scott.

So they all went to work to build their robot.

THE BASS CLARINETISTS' PLAN

"Let's stick to a plan of nonviolence and neutrality," the bass clarinetists said.

Then they went to get ice cream.

LATER

By the end of the day everyone had their destructive plans all set and ready for action. They all waited excitedly for tomorrow. Then they would find which section was the best section in the band.