Severus sank into an old, worn chair feeling inexplicably like the chair looked: worn. Darkness had long ago fallen, upon the earth and upon his mind. Tears which should have been shed long ago had instead been quashed with his own attempts upon justifying his actions. It was not evil… I am not evil. I am not a coward.
"What is it that defines one as good or evil? All it takes is a breath and time can make fools of us; or that moment in which we realize we control our own redemption. A single moment of courage… a single moment of fear can decide whether we can love—a moment of trust or of betrayal in a trust."
Am I defined now, Dumbledore? sneered Severus, though his heart was not in it. Have you realized now that I control my own redemption? Not you?
It had been months since the battle at Hogwarts. The school had not reopened without Dumbledore and if they were waiting for his return to open, Severus knew the once great school had at last met its end. The quarrel so long ago between the Four Founders had at last been defined to the two sides: good versus evil.
There was no questioning which was good and which side was evil.
There was no questioning whether Severus' actions… were good or evil.
"'There is only power and those too weak to seek it,'" said Dumbledore, finishing Severus' sentence. "Yes, I know Voldemort claims that. Yet, then how would humankind prevail over "power"? Love, Severus… love. One of the attributes that separates you from Voldemort. I know you feel it because, otherwise, you would not have been capable of returning to us."
One of the many attributes indeed, thought Severus, unconsciously clenching the side of his chair. The fool was wrong… he was not capable of love. He was not capable of honor. His dignity, along with his love and innocence, had long been stripped from him. Bare, he had been forced to turn the Dark Arts. It had not been his fault…
Severus laughed mirthlessly. Convince myself of that and there's no reason I can't convince myself I'm not a coward. No reason I can't convince myself that I do have honor.
The words brought back yet another conversation with the man who he had once called his teacher.
"If it is, indeed, a question of honor then find honor in power," said Dumbledore with that accursed twinkle in his eyes, "Find honor in evil."
"I… there is honor in being pure-blood," said Severus immediately, though his words came out dull and had the sound of one who had memorized them. Even to him the sentence was lame. "There is honor…"
"There is honor in love. There is honor in courage. There is honor in knowing that you can make the ultimate sacrifice for something you truly believe in. If you lose what you were looking for in the first place; if you lose your honor and your love, you lose yourself. You've already lost."
Severus knew that he had full weight of the blame for his former teacher's murder—he could claim no lies. He did not have the luxury of that. He had killed the most honorable wizard he had ever met and ever would meet. He had killed the man who had taught him about living honorably, even as he, Severus, was delivering information to Voldemort.
He looked towards where he knew Peter Pettigrew to be; he could not afford to have his loyalties tested again. Though Voldemort had not been pleased that Severus had killed Dumbledore, as opposed to Draco killing Dumbledore, his master could not deny that it was not what he had wished. He had been rewarded as his faithful followers had once been rewarded—when Voldemort had still thought him to have turned traitor because he had done nothing about Harry Potter in all those four years at Hogwarts.
Severus laughed humorlessly again; killing Potter's idol: Albus Dumbledore, had been enough to get to Harry Potter. He still remembered his first meeting with the boy after Dumbledore's death in one of the two sides' battle to scramble for the upper hand.
Lost in his thoughts for a single moment, something shot at him—and not a spell. He found himself suddenly, inexplicably, lying on the ground. He snarled and jumped up to his feet, pointing his wand and beginning to curse whoever it was that tackled him. However, he abruptly realized the Golden Boy was standing beside him, shaking in fury.
"HOW COULD YOU! HE TRUSTED YOU AND YOU BETRAYED HIM!" yelled Potter, who did not seem to notice the tears running down his cheeks.
Severus scorned him for crying and for attempting to talk to him. He raised his arm, almost lazily as he cast the Cruciatus Curse upon Potter. The boy writhed in obvious pain, but did not scream; an effort Severus was sure took everything he had—Potter had no talent whatsoever. He lifted the curse and Potter immediately attempted to pull out his wand. Severus allowed the boy a hope that he could curse he, Severus, in time. Then, he hissed, "Crucio!" And this time the boy did scream.
After a few minutes, he lifted it and Potter rasped, his voice full of hate, "He… pleaded. Did that make you… feel powerful, coward? Have your weakened… teacher… pleading for his life? Did it give you a sense… of self importance? Of courage… you know you could never… achieve?"
The boy half sobbed and half laughed—clearly hysterical from prolonged use of the Cruciatus. "You're… not worthy… to have even been in… his presence, let alone have… his misplaced trust. Coward!"
"DON'T CALL ME COWARD!" Severus yelled in contempt before attempting to curse the boy again. However, Potter's foot shot out and kicked him to the ground. The boy was panting as he backed up.
"COWARD! I'LL CALL YOU A COWARD BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE!" bellowed Potter. "COWARD!"
Severus knew perfectly why that word bothered him to so much, and it was partly because of the words and partly because of the fact that Dumbledore had said them.
"Courage, Severus," said a smiling Dumbledore, pleasantly over the rim of his tea, "Is another attribute that separates you from Voldemort." Dumbledore ignored Severus' flinch as he continued, "I trust you not because of your claims to remorse, but because of your courage to even come here. You had the capacity, through love, to realize what is good and what is evil, the honor to admit you were wrong and the courage to come here. I have complete faith in you. So lastly, you are different from Voldemort because whatever you have been called, it is not a coward.
"You are not a coward."