Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Crossing Jordan.

Regret

Chapter 9 – Howard Stiles has left the building.

"Detective Hoyt?"

Woody looked up to see Dr. Stiles standing in the doorway of his hospital room. "Yeah, that's me."

"You're a friend of Jordan Cavanaugh's aren't you?"

"Yeah, that would also be me."

"Good, I was afraid I had the wrong room."

Woody was happy to finally have someone to talk to, that didn't know him very well. "Well, detective, I am Dr. Stiles and I am aware you are temporarily paralyzed and need my help."

"Yeah, that's about right. I feel so guilty. I hate this place, all I can do all day is reminisce and build up a wall of regret. I get shot and the following day find out my baby brother and only living relative is dead. It's my fault too, I was mad at him and I kicked him out. I knew he was in danger. I should have helped him. It's all my fault."

"How is it your fault, what could you really have done?"

"You see, my brother had many problems. He was a drug addict and I put him in so many programs. He just couldn't stick with them. He was constantly calling me to bail him out and this time he took it too far. He was feeding information to one of the Albanian mobsters, who hit Bug in the face with a shovel. He almost died. I was mad at Cal because he hurt one of my friends. Then Cal put Jordan in danger. She was almost shot. So I told him to go home, even though once it was discovered that Albie was arrested, Cal would be in trouble. I didn't care because I realized Jordan meant more to me. However, I didn't really think he would be killed. Then I found out today that the Albanian mob killed him. I could have helped him again. I should have helped him again, he was my brother."

"What if you had helped him, do you think they would have left him alone forever? You can't be there all the time, you don't know what happened and it isn't your job to be his babysitter. It sounds like you have spent your entire relationship with your brother being the parent. He had to grow up and he chose to contact the mob, you didn't make him. He started this and the mob finished it."

Woody just lay there, he knew it was Cal's fault for talking with the mob. Dr. Stiles was right, but Woody couldn't help blaming himself. He felt like a failed father.

"Then there's Jordan," Woody went on. "I love her so much and now I can't have her."

"What do you mean you can't have her?"

"Look at me, she finally tells me she loves me and needs me and here I am paralyzed. Now I have to push her away, so that she doesn't end up unhappy for being with me out of pity."

"Jordan told you she loved you?" Woody tried not to laugh at the gaping hole in Stiles face. His look of shock was extremely humourous.

"She said it after I'd been shot. She probably felt bad, that she was always pushing me away and wanted to say something in case I died. I know she didn't mean it."

"I've known Jordan for a long time and I doubt no matter what the circumstances she would tell someone she loved them without meaning it."

"It's better for her this way."

"What are you talking about. She was probably afraid to say it because she'd get hurt, she builds up the courage and gets hurt."

"That wasn't my intention." Woody then remembered the look of pain on her face when he kicked her out. It hurt him really bad as he remembered it; the image was burned in his mind.

"I don't want to hurt her. I can't hurt her, because I love her." All of Woody's guilt was eating away at him, Stiles could see it.

"Listen detective Hoyt, Jordan is a complicated soul but she can be vulnerable like everyone else. She does love you and finally built the courage to tell you. Don't push her away, let her love you and let her know the feeling is mutual. Sometimes it takes something very serious for some people to confront their feelings. Also if she loves you I think she can handle taking care of you until you recover."

"I may never recover, do you really think she is going to want to look after me for the rest of her life?"

"Even if you never walk again, you'll be capable of taking care of yourself. Many paraplegics are able to care for themselves and live full and happy lives."

"Yes, but, I don't want her to be stuck with some half man. Only half of me will ever function. She deserves a real man, what if another break in her Mother's murder comes forward and she runs again? Do you think I can chase her? I won't be able to protect her anymore and she needs someone who will protect her."

"I think you are worrying too much, explore what you have with Jordan. Take risks, let her feel love and allow yourself that feeling as well. Let go of your past and enjoy your future."

"I can't let go of my past. My past is why I called you here. I can't stop dwelling on it."

"Well why don't you tell me about it?"

"I don't know, my past is so dark, it hurts to talk about it."

"The only way you can completely deal with your past is to talk about it. You have to let it out."

"I'll do my best, my mother died when I was 4, she had cancer. My father raised us, but I guess losing my mom, really affected him. He turned to alcohol and would come home each night in a drunken rage. Usually I would take the beating and spare Cal. However, sometimes he'd have the energy to beat us both, or sometimes he'd push past me and go after Cal. I tried to protect Cal but sometimes I just wasn't strong enough. For some reason through all the beatings I still loved the man and made it my goal to make him proud. However, he was shot in the line of duty when I was a teenager. I held him until he died. Then I finished raising Cal. I ended up meeting a woman named Annie. Everything was old fashioned back in Kewuanee and well, when I asked her father for permission to marry her, he told me I wasn't good enough. So I packed up and moved here, where I fell in love with this brunette, who constantly pushed me away. I followed her to LA and killed for her. I risked my ass for her time and time again, but she wouldn't give me the time of day. Then I met Devan, she seemed smart and sophisticated and I knew I could use her to make Jordan jealous. So I asked her out, and she thought I was in a relationship with Jordan. She agreed as long as Jordan wouldn't be affected. However, I just wanted to make Jordan see, if she didn't let me in, I'd eventually move on. I took Devan out to dinner and spent the whole time obsessing about Jordan. Finally I came clean and told her about the relationship Jordan and I had. She understood and we ended up talking for hours. Devan and I became good friends and she really wanted to help Jordan and I fix things. She thought maybe the jealousy thing would work too, however, she died in a plane crash and I felt so guilty. I felt like I had used her to get Jordan and in many I ways I did. She really liked Jordan, but Jordan hated her and that was because of me. I knew it was wrong to make Jordan jealous but I couldn't help it. Then there is the guilt I feel about Jordan and Cal. I just don't know what makes sense anymore. I don't even know if I want to live."

"You never dealt with your past did you? You moved here to escape it, because you couldn't handle telling Annie, you wouldn't marry her, you escaped your past without ever dealing with it. It's time to go through the skeletons in your closet and now you have all the time to do it."

"I don't think I can handle it."

"Well, I don't think you are going to get much of a choice here. You are confined to this bed, and it is allowing you all of the time you need to process and come to terms with everything in your life. You need to make yourself believe Cal isn't your fault, you need to stop beating yourself up for Annie and allowing your father's problems and disappointment to bring you down. You need to believe and trust Jordan and let go of the situation you had with Devan. Remember she chose to help you and could have easily ended the relationship you were pretending to have, but she didn't. She acted on her own free will. Until you come to terms with all of these issues and guilt in your past, you won't ever be able to look forward. Now you have a chance to do so, you are confined to this bed and its up to you, to accept your past. I will be back in about 3 days, I want you to use this journal and write down your feelings and emotions. Write down anything that comes to mind. I don't have to read it, if you don't want me to, but just try it. I will see you in a few days detective."

Woody watched Dr. Stiles leave the room and then stared down at the journal Stiles had handed him. He opened the book and stared at the blank pages, but the emotions he had just brought out, were bothering him too much and he closed the book and placed it in the drawer next to his bed. He knew Stiles was right, maybe it was time to accept Jordan back into his life. So he sat there excitedly waiting her return. Instead of dwelling, he instead laid there and tried to figure out what he'd say to her when she showed up later that day. This allowed him to finally drift off to sleep.

A/N: Just so you know the chapter title is supposed to be making fun of Frasier. He was also a psychiatrist and at the end of every episode, the voice over would say, "Frasier Crane has left the building." It was supposed to be funny but really I know it was dumb, you don't have to tell me. For some reason, I recently lost my sense of humour. Also, please don't think I spell humour, favourite, colour or words like that wrong. I'm Canadian and so all those words include the "U". Anyway, it may seem like I can't spell, but I can't stop myself from spelling words the Canadian way as opposed to the American.