Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Crossing Jordan.
Regret
Chapter 11 – Alone
Stiles didn't know what to say. "Jordan are you alright?"
Jordan just stared around the apartment now unaware of Stiles standing next to her. She remembered each detail of the night she was robbed and almost raped. Everything felt so similar that when Stiles touched her arm, she almost responded by hitting him in the face. Instead she felt herself shutting down and collapsed to the ground in tears. The entire day caught up with her and she suddenly remembered why she attempted suicide all those years ago. She felt lost and alone. She remembered that lonely feeling like there was no reason to go on. Stiles lowered himself to the ground with her and told her it was okay to cry.
When the police arrived they asked Stiles to escort Jordan somewhere safe. Jordan was no longer in her right state of mind. She was lost in her thoughts. She said nothing as they helped her to the car and nothing as Stiles began driving down the road. He had decided the best option was probably Lily. He didn't bother talking to her, she was in her own world. Jordan in fact didn't speak until they pulled into Lily's buildings parking lot.
"I don't know where to go anymore."
Stiles jumped at the sound of her voice. It was so soft and haunted, like the voice of a child who just parents their murdered. "What do you mean Jordan?"
"I have no where to go. I lost everything and the only things I have left to keep me company are all my regrets. I pushed Woody away, what is wrong with me, I wait 4 years to tell him I love him. I knew in less than a year and yet I waited 4. Now he doesn't want me, he's over me. I pushed him away like I do everyone else. I know I could have had him but my issues held me back. I lost Garret; it's like losing a second father. He betrayed me, he betrayed us all. My father left and once again left knowing I am disappointed in him. Nigel betrayed me. I still feel so guilty for hating Devan; there was no reason to hate her. She was never really rude to me. She had a good side I just couldn't see it because I was so angry with her for taking Woody. She died thinking I hated her and I found out from her mother that she looked up to me. My father is gone and who knows if I'll ever see him again. I regret so much of my life and so many decisions that I have made, that I now can't process a single regret."
Jordan then stopped talking and went silent. "Jordan, you aren't allowing yourself to process anything because you can't focus on one regret at a time. Instead your mind is flooded with all of them at the same time. Here, I am writing you a medical note. I want you to take mental leave for 2 weeks to process some of your regret. This also may work in your favour because you can work things out with Woody while you help him through rehab. Also you've built yourself up so much vacation that you are free to take off a significant amount of time. Here is a journal, write in it your thoughts and emotions, I don't ever have to read it if you don't want me too, but it will help you sort your thoughts and process your regrets. I am also going to prescribe some medication to help you sleep because unlike your rum, it won't leave hung over."
Jordan and Stiles got out of the car and he helped her to Lily's apartment where Lily immediately helped Jordan in.
When Stiles left, after promising Jordan he'd be there to see her the next afternoon, Lily made up a bed for Jordan on the couch. Jordan just sat down deep in thought and totally unaware that Lily was watching her. Jordan felt as though there were no more tears left in her body to cry; she felt dehydrated.
"May I have a glass of water?"
Lily got up and got Jordan a cold glass of water. "Here," Jordan looked over and Lily handed her a sleeping pill. "My doctor prescribed them too me after my mom passed away to help me sleep. I hardly use them so go ahead and take one." Jordan tried to smile but she was tired and weak. Lily understood and told Jordan to wake her up if she needed anything.
However, Jordan didn't realize how horrible sleep could be. Nightmares filled her mind and she woke 2 hours later and in a panic. She remembered being in the casket from Digger except in there with her was her mother. She remembered the cold from the day her mother was murdered. Lily came running in when she heard Jordan tossing and turning. Jordan no longer wanted to sleep. She stood up and went to the window, totally unaware of Lily's presence. Lily came over and sat beside her. She said nothing and neither did Jordan, instead they just stared out the window into the Boston Skyline. They sat like that for what seemed like hours but was only 15 minutes. "Do you want coffee?" Lily asked.
"No thanks I just needed a break from sleep. I'll be fine, go back to bed you have to get up and go to work. Don't worry about me, I'm fine."
"Jordan, you are honestly one of the worst liars I've ever met."
Jordan smiled at that. "I'm fine and I'm going back to sleep. Just don't worry about me, things have a way of working out." With that Jordan went back to couch and surprisingly fell back asleep. Lily also wandered back to bed leaving Jordan to go back to her nightmares.
A/N: I don't know too much about mental leave in the states or the rules behind it, but in Canada a psychiatrist can write you a doctor's not to excuse you from work for a significant amount of time.