"You've got years of accumulated hurt, don't you," she observed, making a statement, not asking a question. "Every one of us, May, Sara, Sha're, me, cutting on you," she laughed ruefully, hollowly, "You really know how to pick women."
"Don't you dare pity me," he barked at her. "Why do I keep letting down my guard with you?" Once again, he turned to leave.
"DANIEL JACKSON I LOVE YOU," she yelled. She ran around in front of him, continuing her bellowing. "I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU. I LUST FOR YOU. I WANT YOU. I NEED YOU. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE YOU AND I DO NOT FING PITY YOU." Then she kicked his feet out from under him, bringing him to the floor. It knocked the air out of his lungs and while he was at a disadvantage, she tackled him, sitting astride him and pinning his hands to the floor on either side of his head. He gasped for breath and stared at her. He was pretty sure he didn't remember falling asleep at any point but this had elements of a very surrealistic dream. "I'd take your glasses off," she said in a normal voice, "and I will in a moment, but I want you to see my face clearly when I say this."
She shifted and he stifled a groan, "I have never experienced anything as awful as when you ascended. It made me realize how integral a part of my life you were. After that, I knew I could never take a chance on loosing you. The odds of loosing someone you have a love affair or even a marriage with, are huge. In my experience, it way increases the chances. My parents' marriage disintegrated before my eyes. They lost each other years before she died. He had an affair toward the end. He had no idea I knew. He lost her too. Then there was the disaster with Jonas and before him the boy I dated through high school and between them someone I was involved with for two years. I didn't consciously think all this through, of course. I've lived my life in denial, right here in Colorado minus the pyramids." He wasn't even smiling at that and she bit her lip and plowed on.
"After SG-1 disbanded, we started drifting apart, just a little at a time. The days were just, I don't know, flatter, and I felt lonely. I missed you. By the time you kissed me in my lab, before I slapped you…" she said.
Daniel finally had enough breath to interrupt, "No need to qualify it, Sam. That was the one and only time before tonight we ever kissed." He had to say something distancing. He still could not trust what he had heard because if he did and she pulled the rug out from him, he was in the next party through the gate, sans trade goods.
"Shut up," she said, evenly, and continued, "I'd started wondering about us, trying to figure out how things had changed and seeing new explanations for some of the things you'd said or done. But I thought I might just be desperate, reading in something that I wanted to be there, and if I made a move and I was wrong, that would really distance us. So I wanted you to do something, damn it. But when you finally did, I felt more like a tree that some dog was using to mark his territory, a bone in a battle between you and Jack. I had spent some serious hours in the tub with bubble bath and a glass of wine and you weren't playing by the script."
He squeezed his eyes shut and opened them again. She was still there, still sitting on top of him. She reached down and tugged off his glasses and put them on the coffee table, a couple of feet from where he lay. She released his hands, rolled off of him, and pulled him part way over on top of her. "You can say it," she said, as she loosened his shirt and ran her hands up his back on his bare skin.
The corner of his mind not fogged with raging desire knew something was missing. He should be feeling triumphant, overjoyed, whatever you felt when you finally got something you'd wanted for a long time. Had he unwrapped the most beautiful present under the Christmas tree and found bricks in it? She felt wonderful under him, she smelled so good, her face was as lovely as ever, and, if all of that wasn't enough to make him rock hard, her expression was naked, unvarnished lust. He was as turned on as he could remember ever being but if he hadn't been playing by her script, now, somehow, she wasn't playing by his. He ran his hand down her body because he had always wanted to and he might never get another chance. He palmed her breast and she pulled his head down, crashing his mouth down on hers, and unzipped his fly. She whispered again, "You CAN say it."
That was the shot of cold water he needed. He gently removed her hand from his crotch and struggled to a sitting position. "I'm sorry, Sam, but I can't say it. Not if 'it' is I love you." He added hastily, "I'm not saying that I don't but a lot has changed lately and I'm confused about what I feel. We need to ease into this. I don't want to have sex with you before I've had any kind of romantic relationship with you at all and then find out we don't really work as a couple. That will end our friendship AND mess up our working relationship. I don't want to say I love you for the first time when my dick is driving."
She was looking at him with disbelief. "Guys don't say stuff like this, right? We're all supposed to be ready to do it at the drop of a hat with the least bit of encouragement and worry about what it means later and, come hell or high water, be uncomfortable with discussing our feelings." He looked away from her and into the middle distance, seeing May and remembering how he'd been such a goofy romantic about her. "You're not going to want to hear this, Sam, but I've kind of gotten myself involved with someone else. I haven't told her that I love her, I don't think I do, but I really value her. She's not a knockout like you who draws guys like flies. Her appeal is subtler and I think I could really hurt her if I don't break if it off the right way."
She sat up herself then. "If you were someone else, I'd suspect this was payback. But you're not like that. Everything you say makes sense on some level I guess but all I want right now is to feel you inside me so you'll have to be patient with my disappointment." She skimmed her hand up his thigh and said, hopefully, in a husky voice, "You are sure I can't change your mind?"
He smiled at her then and said softly, "Maybe you could but I'd really regret it later."
Sam nodded and got to her feet. She held out her hand to Daniel and said, "Let's start that couplish phase then. How about I cut you a slice of pie and we talk."
He nodded. "What kind of pie? I like pie."
Sam laughed, "I know. Don't you think I've noticed and why do you think I happen to have it in the house right now?" She pulled him up and they walked to the kitchen still holding hands, Sam leading the way. Just inside the kitchen door, she turned and said carefully, "I'm only going to ask this question once but I'm so jealous I can't see straight. Who is she?"
"You don't know her Sam and you probably wouldn't understand her attraction for me at first because she's a trifle eccentric but she's good people. I can't hurt her and I can't betray her by discussing her with you, okay?" he asked, tucking her hair behind her ear.
As they sat down at the table, Daniel had a question of his own. "Teal'c said you were angry with Jack Saturday night. Do you want to tell me about what went on?"
Sam went from smiling somewhat sappily at him to hot anger at warp speed. "He had Deeje there and was just, apparently, planning on springing her on you, forcing the two of you to meet whether you wanted to or not. I didn't think he had the right. He doesn't believe she had anything to do with the poem or the rumor about our sexual proclivities. She told him she didn't and he believes her."
Daniel looked amazed, "You're mad at Jack."
"I've been mad at Jack plenty of times," she said.
"You've been annoyed with him or exasperated with him over mission decisions, command decisions. I don't remember you being really angry with him about personal things." Seeing her expression, Daniel held up a hand and tacked on, "I'm just saying I haven't noticed."
"Women are like bears when it comes to people going after someone they love. When he treated you and Deeje like two little kids whose parents had to make play nice, he infuriated me. Quite honestly, I didn't much like your daughter. She's got a lot in common with Jack which just doesn't work as well on a woman as a man, sexist as it may be to say, but I felt sorry for her. The looks the two of them were giving each other were, well, I owe you an apology for biting your head off for raising the possibility of something between them."
Daniel leaned forward and looked at her intently, "Are you saying.. I mean you do you really believe that.." He could not get it out.
"No. I don't know. He restrained himself with me all those years and I know he felt something intense. Or maybe it's some other type of deep feeling and affection. Everything isn't sex. But he sure lied to you when he said he'd just met her once."
Daniel shook his head. "I can't figure out why he did that. Surely he didn't honestly think I'd never find out."
"If he's feeling guilty about something, instant, unthinking denial is the knee jerk response, isn't it?" Sam asked. "It wouldn't have to be guilt about something he did. It could be guilt about something he wants very much to do. Or, as I said, the feelings there could be something other than sex. Any relationship with her, given her relationship to you is awkward, right?"
"Let's not talk about it any more," Daniel said then. "How about if we pick out a DVD, get one of those ratty afghans of yours, get cozy, and watch it? Something funny would be nice."
"You're not afraid to be cozy with me, huh, Dr. Jackson?" Sam asked archly.
"No touching below the belt," Daniel responded.
She started to laugh and then, sobering, said, "My God, you're totally serious."
"I'm not made of stone, Sam. You are incredibly hot but I really don't want us to have sex yet. I think it would be a mistake."
"Are you sure you're not actually a girl?" she said and then winced, afraid she'd really insulted him.
"Look, I'm not all about being someone else's definition of masculine or feminine, Sam. I wired up however it is I'm wired up. I'm not Jack or Jonas or Pete or any of the other aggressively testosterone versions of male you've been enamored of.
Sam interrupted, rolling her eyes, to say, "Please, definitely not Jonas."
"Sam, you must have been interested in him. You WERE engaged to him after all," Daniel said, a little irritated at the interruption to his exposition.
Sam grimaced and said meekly, "Oh THAT Jonas. Well, never mind."
Daniel resumed where he had been interrupted, "I'm real comfortable with who I am. This isn't going anywhere if you want to be with me so you can 'fix' me."
"I don't want to fix you, Daniel. And, to reiterate from earlier, I don't pity you. Are there any other insecurities/paranoia we need to put to rest?" She sounded a little exasperated.
"I'm afraid my girl friend is going to be one of those who never shuts up," he said, mostly teasing.
"There's a way to shut me up," she said suggestively.
"Go find a comedy DVD, Sam," he directed but indulged himself by patting her butt as she stood up and started to move away from him.
They had decided to keep their relationship just between the two of them for awhile. Not only was it less awkward at work, particularly given the rumors about their sex lives that had been flying around, he also didn't feel right about being official until he had dealt with the situation with Bertie. The opportunity came to do just that when Bertie called him to say she had what might be his final report for him. Two of the other Covenant House alumni they tracked down from Deeje's days there had the answers. It was up to him to decide if he wanted to spend any more money further verifying the story and digging up more details.
Daniel asked, "Is it really bad? Was she turning tricks to make it on the street?" Spoken aloud, his secret fear sounded so ugly.
"No. Not according to our informants. We did learn DJ was one very successful little thief. And there is something else, something ugly." She paused. "Damn it, Daniel, I didn't want to give you this over the phone. Can we talk in person?"
"You have to at least give me the outline now though. I could imagine myself into a stupor. The possibilities are pretty grim, aren't they?"
"If I tell you, will you promise to come over and let me feed you tonight. Give you the full report?"
"You don't have to bribe me to get me to want to see you," he said, hating the fact that although that was true, he couldn't be faithful to Sam and continue this friendship in the same way. He had to give it a chance with Sam, didn't he? He hadn't been at all sure of his feelings for Sam lately but he'd loved her for too long not to give it a chance.
"Okay. You do have a tendency to make me do things outside my personal rules. Your kissing should have a warning sign on it." She paused a beat. Whatever she had to tell him, Daniel knew it shouldn't be in the same breath as flirtation. "These girls on the street are in a really precarious position. It's not unusual for them to be," she hesitated and then almost whispered the word, "raped. Both informants are sure DJ was, at least once."
"Raped. My daughter was raped," Daniel ground out. That had been his other secret fear. It wasn't what Malva had said about some fathers not having any use for their daughters if they didn't remain pure. It was just that sexual abuse in some form, and prostitution when done for survival was a form of rape by the johns in his mind, was something a father should be protecting his daughter against. If Deeje had been forced to sell herself or had been raped, that was the ultimate failure of his protective responsibility.
"Daniel, do you understand why I didn't want to give this to you on the phone? I know you're not all right." She still sounded upset. "You are such a good man and you've already started flaying stripes of flesh off your back. But are you going to be able to keep going through the day and make it over here?"
"You sound like you'd come and get me if not," he said. As bad as he felt, he couldn't help but feel warm at her concern and friendship.
"I would and I will. Just say the word," came the return offer.
"You are a wonder in every respect, Bertie," Daniel said sincerely. "I was prepared for this on some level. I actually started a sort of anticipatory flaying when I asked you to look into where she went and what she did. I'll make it through the day and I'll see you tonight."
After he ended the call, he continued to sit unmoving, almost unblinking for a long time. Then he knew he had to tell Sam and he had to tell her that he was going to go to Bertie's for one last private time with her. What he didn't know was how he was going to thank Bertie for the lifeline she had been for him and yet walk away from her without damage. And even more than that, he had no idea how he would ever expiate his failure to protect Deeje.
He got up and headed for Sam's lab. Whatever else he did, the time for avoidance was over.