Disclaimer: see prologue, please.
Warnings: crack, humor, more crack, heaps of OOC, deus ex machina and karma abuse...spoilers? Oh, and a wee bit of breakage over at the fourth wall.
Notes: Material added onto the original RP. Drac is tempted to start making a doujinshi out of this. As always, cookies for both authoresses are muchos appreciated!
Baby Tales: A Sanzo Adventure
Chapter Two
No matter what Sanzo did, no matter how many curses he uttered or how many times he jerked away from little grabbing fists, the baby constantly pulled his head close enough to chew on the ends of his hair. Apparently he was at least old enough to be teething, and unfortunately for him, Genjo Sanzo had not followed in his master's footsteps when it came to hair and gotten a long back braid.
Which made sense in the case of youkai, who would have easily used it as a handle to grab and throw him around, but not in the case of the baby, who's huge eyes threatened further weeping fits if he (yes, it was most definitely a he, though the opposite would have just taken the cake and run away with it) was not placated and allowed to climb and chew on Sanzo and, most importantly, fed.
And it wouls have been easier to reach his lighter--Ugh. His cigarettes were soaked.
The monk snarled, tucked the child into the crook of his arm (amazing that he knew how to hold a baby, really...well, okay, he knew how not to drop it) and went to go find someone to bully into finding baby food. Whatever babies ate. Powdered...something. Or milk.
Diapers. He allowed himself a mental whimper.
Maybe if he gave him enough beer...?
There was a sudden sting on his monkly rump, as of a Goddess' pinching claws, and he stomped out of the ruined doorway instead.
-
Hakkai and Gojyo were nowhere to be found, and he couldn't trust Goku to go buy food, no matter what it was. If it was edible, Goku would inhale it. In the end, it was long past the dinner hour when he began the long trek back to the hotel, well and truly pissed.
He'd suffered the yanking of his precious hair all the way, and the sleeves of his robes were now leaving a distinct trail of drool as he stomped along. But at least he'd found the neccessary supplies needed, even if he'd ended up half-dozing (nearly falling off his feet and dropping the child) in boredom, listening to lectures on how to properly feed it from an experienced mother that had just HAPPENED to be in the shop at that unholy hour. WITH her children. The youngest of which was a little dark-haired girl who alternated between sticking her thumb in her mouth and taking it out to say, "Mommy, priests aren't supposed to have babies, right?"
The rain, which had paused for a coffee break in between chapters, promptly started pouring down again.
Snarling and fuming, he paused in his stompfest through the mud, and held the baby close, frowning when it--okay, FINE, he--sneezed. "Great. Boogers and snot. Just what I wanted..." He rolled his eyes and kept on stomping, taking temporary shelter under a tree from the bucketloads of water pouring from the sky. Was Kanzeon laughing so hard se had broken the sky?
"-sniff-..."
His gaze flickered to the child, one arm pulling a robed sleeve over the toddler, covering him enough to add a bit of warmth. Though it was soaked anyway. And Sanzo was cold. The baby was cold. He was craving a smoke or ten badly, and the store hadn't stocked cigarettes. Could it have possibly gotten any worse than that?
Of course it could, when the great Genjo Sanzo was hanging onto the infant reincarnation of his former master (though he still hadn't processed this, for some odd reason)...who had just decided that he was cold, hungry, sleepy and dirty-feeling. Just because he'd been lectured didn't mean Sanzo had put anything into practice yet, and rain did NOT make a good bath, no matter what anyone said.
He made this known to the world with an extra-specially-loud "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" just for Sanzo's benefit, and an obligatory hair-pulling.
"Maa, maa, you look like you need help..."
Wonder of blessed wonders, there was Hakkai with an umbrella, dry and smiling and looking like he actually knew what to do with a kid besides hang onto it and let it make a lot of noise.
-
Sanzo handed him the baby. Hakkai stepped on the hem of his robe when he tried to run, and gavehim politely back.
"Now, Sanzo, you know he wails when he's not near you, so I really should just get you both back to your room and leave you to it, hmm?" Something about the way-more-overly-pleasant-than-normal tone in his voice made it clear that this would brook no argument, that Sanzo had been the one making him drive Jiipu to the limit in the angst-inducing rain, and that therefore the monk would be the one taking care of his find, whether he liked it or not.
"Now, here's the bottle...start walking, we do want to be back before midnight, don't we?"
The blonde snarled viciously at him, before grumbling and jamming the stupid thing in the baby's mouth. Anything to shut him up. "If you're so smart, YOU take care of him. Bastard..." He began to pick up the pace, robes getting further soaked as he splashed angrily through puddles. "Look. I didnt ask for your help. But if YOU want to adopt him, go right ahead. I sure as hell don't..."
Hakkai employed acute selective hearing, and on they went, all the way to the hotel.
-
"Sanzo, you might..."
"Might WHAT?" He snapped--
Bump.
The screaming rendered him momentarily deaf; the bottle might as well have not existed for all the good it was doing. Poor child had hit his flailing fingers on the doorframe and now was crying like there was no tomorrow.
Hakkai, being a Nice Guy, took the baby and began to gently kiss the 'ouchie' and mother him back to a calm state. The baby instantly decided he didnt want Hakkai's mothering and instead bawled for Sanzo's.
"Shut the hell up, damn it...you're giving me a migraine..." he hissed, but took it back with surprisingly little protest.
Hakkai was left holding the bottle and grinning a genuine little grin as he watched Sanzo recieved a baby stranglehold in the form of a hug around his neck. Apparently, this particular child had a magnetic attraction towards the blonde. For, ahem, obvious reasons.
Yep, Kanzeon was laughing hir divine ass off up there.
-
It was fifteen minutes and a lifetime's worth of choked-off curses later.
"Get...-gasp- off...me...you damned...brat..."
"Gurgle!"
Sanzo gave it up and slouched back into his bedroom, Hakkai shooting the child sympathetic but puzzled looks over the monk's shoulder.
"And don't forget to burp him after he's done with the milk!"
"SHI NE!"
"Language, Sanzo!"
"-muttermumblegrumble...-"
"Gurgle!" The baby had decided, in the end, thathe preferred hair to milk.
Sanzo slammed the door so hard it caused a miniature ripple through the hotel, and was rewarded with a smash as the painting by the door fell and cracked in half. The blonde monk was beyond mad, now that his hair was becoming the next chew toy on the market, and he was getting strangled at the same time to boot. And there was nothing he could do!
"Lay off, brat!" He half-hushed, half-yelled, pulling the small child away form his neck with a grunt. There, released from death. And...oh no... "Not my hair! Stop grabbing my fucking hair!"
Before he knew it, he was sitting on the bed with a foot in his eye and the child hanging off his head.
In truth, Sanzo didn't think he had the energy left to yell and throw a fit, or even scold the brat. So he just let it do what it wanted. Eventually the tiny terror had to run out of batteries, right?
...Right?
With a moan he fell back slowly, just in case the baby decided to change its mind and attack some other vulnerable body part.
"This sucks. Get off...please, dammit..." He lifted a hand to his face, massaging his temples, though the action was barely visible underneath the baby's rear. "Tasukete..."
"Gurgle!" The baby, however, seemed content at last to lie on the pillow above Sanzo's head for the moment, with clumps of his hair in both hands being chewed on (well, gummed on) nonstop. It would have been enough to make any onlooker smile (or laugh their guts out, depending how well they actually knew the pissy monk. Gojyo, for one, would have had a field day.)
This left him with a few minutes of peace minus the occasional insistent yanking, and then the baby's stomach made itself be known in Goku-fashion with a loud squelching growl. While Sanzo's shampoo apparently tasted pretty good, it wasn't very nourishing.
He didn't move.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Where was the damned bottle? Hakkai had shoved the bottle at him; where was it NOW? Why wouldn't the kid stop crying? WHY HAD HE BEEN STUPID ENOUGH TO YANK IT OUT OF THE RIVER?
Why, because his master had done the same for him not long after his birth, of course.
However, his master hadn't been on an all-important journey to the West, and so Sanzo decided he had a right to be extra-pissed about it anyway, no matter what anyone said, whether they be youkai, human, goddess, or even stone monkey.
With a frustrated sigh, he groped for the nearest object that felt like a bottle and shoved it in the baby's mouth.
Hm. Chocolate bar. Now where had that come from? Oh well. Maybe the kid would choke in between bites.
Could it even bite it?
Who cared?
With a sigh he rolled over, feeling horrendous--hair gummed to pieces, nerves frazzled. The room, perhaps as a bizzare form of local hospitality, had been made EXTRA cold, just for him. And he couldn't get under the sheets, because he really didn't want to move the baby (another wailing fit was NOT something he could take tonight, thank you very much.) And so he opted to lie quietly and crack open a bloodshot eye, registering the time on the bedside clock.
Midnight.
He heaved another sigh. How could females give birth to such monsters and care for them?
"Gooooo..."
"Uru...sai..."
-
Ending note 1: Sanzo, we love you, but sometimes you're such a clueless little bishounen. D
Ending note 2: Wai! People got it! Yeah, Sanzo's stuck with widdle Koumyou-chan for the duration of this fic. X3 Isn't that absolutely ADORABLE?
Ending note 3: -BANG- Wah! Sanzo! -BANG- Don't -BANG- shoot us! -BANG BANG BANG-