Chapter 5: People will never forget how you made them feel

Finally they split off into smaller groups, twos and threes, talking. Trying to relate to the virtual strangers they thought they knew. River sat with Wash holding baby Mal, and cooing over him. She was softly singing a lullaby that carried clearly on the night air. Wash nodded along, his eyes half closed.

Zoë nodded to Jayne, "Didn't see you as the high protector of our little lost lambs."

He looked up questioningly.

"Why did you stick around?"

"Because Mal would have done."

I got stupid and the money was too good.

"Gotta do the right thing sometimes," Jayne shrugged. "Its like family now. You get used to the stuck up doc and his crazy sister. Not that she's crazy now. Doc's good. She's like a normal…genius…mind reading girl."

Kaylee and Simon found themselves looking at each other. He cleared his throat, feeling awkward again.

"I…"

"Kay…"

They both said at the same time. There was another long awkward pause.

"You start," Simon said eventually.

"You're not dead."

"No," he said softly.

"I told myself you were dead. If you were dead I was meant to forget you. I could move on…"

"I'm so sorry…I…we…we didn't know what to do. Jayne said we should hide out, wait. Then no one came. You didn't come." Simon remembered those first few terrified days. "We fought with each other and screamed at Jayne, made plans that came to nothing. We had no money, no fuel. The shuttle wasn't going anywhere. Then Jayne started working again, just to get enough money to leave. He kept below radar. It became our routine. We just changed our names and melted away. Dr Ryan Scott and his younger sister Grace. It became our life. Far enough from the Core that no one cared. No one missed us…"

"I missed you," Kaylee said softly. "I still looked for you, you know. I saw the cortex warrants for you and River. I had your face looking at me from town. And I still looked for you. I thought maybe one day you would walk up to my house and…" she stopped. He seemed harder somehow, something that she couldn't quite put her finger on. Something in his eyes.

Simon suddenly had a flashback – Canton, waking up, hung over, with her lying on his chest. He hadn't realised he'd missed her so much. But what could he say?

"Simon you're alive and you didn't even send me a wave to tell me. None of you told us anything. We didn't know a gorram thing." Kaylee's face was twisted with pain. "That was worse, the not knowin'."

Simon couldn't speak past the lump in his throat.

Around them the desert had gone dark, and the bonfire crackled. The horses grunted and shifted restlessly. Slowly everyone had drawn back to the fire. Zoë has reclaimed baby Mal from River, who now sits close to Jayne. Jayne pokes the fire with a stick, and tries not to think about the heat from the girl next to him. Six gorram years and he's still too scared of Dr Tam to make a move on his crazy sister.

Jayne's running. He's got fire at his heels and Vera in his lap, and he's running. The shuttle screams as he pushes the accelerator that bit further. Kaylee would kill him for pushing the shuttle too far, too fast. That is…if she…Jayne slammed his mind on that thought. When the moment took him, he could think a lot. He didn't want to think now.

Flying would be a whole lot easier without that feng kuang girl screaming.

But Reavers…He wouldn't have been Mal for all the gold in the 'verse. There was just something about those non-men that was downright disturbing. Jayne would never admit it but they scared him witless.

Shepard was praying.

"Lord God, please surround me with favour as with a shield today. Lord, please strengthen your wall of protection around me, keeping me safe from temptation of the flesh, tricks of the Adversary, and all harm. Lord, please fill my thoughts with Your thoughts and let my words be your words. You are my strength, my shield and my defence, O Lord. Thank You, Lord, in Jesus name I pray, Amen"

"Pray for faster engines Shepard!" Jayne yelled over his shoulder.

Book just nodded.

Simon was sat, staring at nothing. Looking like he was in shock. Jayne wasn't the gorram doctor but he'd seen guys go like this before. Simon's eyes were blank. He didn't move, didn't speak. Hadn't said a word this whole gorram escape. Not even soothed his sister. Just let her scream. Now that wasn't right.

Wash smiles at his family. Inara worries about why they're all here, but keeps a smile on her face, keeps up the mask. Simon only has eyes for Kaylee, how her thick hair curls about her chin. But she stares into the fire, tears glinting at the back of her eyes, threatening to fall but never quite making it past the lashes.

"Is there someone else?" she whispers to Simon, sideways out of her mouth, not looking at him. "Do you have a sweetie back home?"

Everyone else heard of course, but pretended they hadn't.

"I…uh…that is…I did see one girl but…I couldn't…we couldn't…." Simon hated himself for stuttering shyly over every word. For gorram's sake he'd told this girl that he'd sat naked upon a statue singing. "She didn't even know my real name. How bout you? I'm sure you ain't been sat around six years."

Kaylee shot him a hurt look and he felt terrible.

"No one that mattered. You can't just tell me you love me and disappear, it don't work like that Simon."

"I don't know how it works Kaylee."

He reaches forward and touches her cheek. Caresses it gently. Surgeon's hands on her. Surgeon's hands that hold guns.

"I never did. You know that," his voice is soft.

He leans into her and sees her close her eyes.