A/N: I really should stop dragging it out painfully, as UCV3z accuses me of. I was determined that this was to be the climatic chapter, but once again, I keep lying. Very sorry! I swear the next one will be. (Don't count on it.)
I'm sad. Reviewing numbers have gone down lately. Very sad now; almost as depressed as Elentari. I'm trying to get to 200 for this story! That's only 19 more! I should write a couple extra chapters to induce some more reviews. No. Please review! It'll inspire me! I'm a poor person writing this only for my own pleasure, and for feedback from you!
Larka Vanimedle: I'm sure Theodred and Faramir are both willing to hug the poor girl. Problem is that she won't let them. I happen to just want to hug Faramir though! Thanks for reading.
Jade Fairy: Ahh! Keep forgetting to email you. But if I do email you, I have a feeling you're going to bombard me with hate mail telling me not to kill anyone off (or a specific someone) and how everything should be a fairy tale in the end. I'm glad I'm keeping you on the leash though!
Roisin Dubh: I hope this chapter clarifies some of the guilt and the seeing love as a weakness that I introduced in the last chapter. I think I strayed away from my original intent for this story a while ago, and now I'm bringing it back. Yay! I would say she's defiant because she's taking control of her life now, instead of listening to the men who have governed her for so long.
Kitty: Yes. You know you like the review button!
UCV3z: Sssllloowww… paaiiinnnful… TORTURE! Hahaha! I'm glad your suffering (in a kind, non-sadistic way).
"So it begins..." :Helm's Deep music plays:
Chapter 46: Too Tired
The dwindling days passed quickly for Elentari, for time does not exist in dreams. When she awoke during the day she found herself alone, which though she told herself it was what she wanted, the reason she drove them away, the sense of power and accomplishment that it gave her was not enough to mask the overwhelming loneliness. She knew she wanted them, all of them, Theodred, Eowyn, Elfhelm, Faramir, Boromir, all of them beside her, with her, not this crushing loneliness and perfidious pride. They had given up too easily, had they not? It wasn't her fault. If they really cared, they would not leave her like this.
In reality, they had not forsaken her, but in her mind, she was no longer to blame for anything. She had heaped all the blame, all the responsibility, the duty on herself, all her life. Now she felt it was time that they knew what it felt like, to give up everything you ever wanted for someone else's ideal, to bleed where no one could see.
She should feel guilty, she should feel inhuman for what had just occurred between her and Eowyn, but she did not. There could not be any more guilt for her; she no longer thought about what she did, what it meant for others. Was it selfishness, she questioned. It must be apathy, she yielded, but was what she did truly wrong? She wasn't trying to hurt Eowyn, she was just too tired to care any more, too depleted to let anyone in, too used up by those in her life to want anything anymore, but eternal rest. Slowly, she let her mind process the interaction between herself and the younger girl, completely withdrawn from the recollection, as if she was watching a stranger's experience.
Eowyn had come in, as she did every morning, to look after her, carrying her breakfast. The girl had been unusually high-spirited, which irritated Elentari for some reason that she would usually have rebuked herself for.
Setting down the tray of fruit and bread in front of her, Eowyn smiled brilliantly, "I had them give me some grapes just for you. I know how much you like them."
"Thank you Eowyn," she had replied, "But I'm really not hungry."
The girl's face had fallen slightly, "You must eat Elentari. Or else you'll never be strong."
"Who says I want to be strong?" she had retorted.
"Why not?"
"Strength to do what?"
"Live. To be happy, to make others happy, to make me happy," she had replied so simply, so innocently, "To make Theodred happy."
The mention of that name had driven her over the edge, and all of her original determination to remain civil to Eowyn evaporated, and she screamed, "Why must I make all of you happy? Can't I make myself happy for a change?"
Eowyn's innocent eyes had grown wide, and she did not reply, only stared at Elentari, who finally said viciously, without a trace of kindness, "What are you staring at? I don't like it when people stare at me. Get out."
The girl was gone with a turn; the door closing on golden hair.
Elentari sighed, and looked at the tray of food without interest, and placed it on the table near her. She stretched, and snuggled under her covers. The bed was too big for her alone, and at that instant she thought and longed for Theodred, who was out defending Rohan once more. It was a general consensus by the healers, Theoden, his counselors, and Elfhelm that it was healthier for him to be there for the time being, for the anxiety caused by Elentari was doing him no good. She had watched him ride away from her window, and never had she felt such loneliness and anger, though she did not know who it was directed to. As it was wont to do, she soon felt sleep overpower her, and she prayed that this was the time that she would not awaken.
It was not to be. By the sounds she heard beyond her door, she guessed it was just past noon, and she was seized by a sudden impulse. Calling a maid to her, she requested that Lord Eomer come to her. The maid had not been able to hide a slightly raised eyebrow, but followed the order without question.
Soon, Eomer was standing before her, obviously a bit grudgingly.
"You sent for me?" She could see the slight resemblance between him and his cousin, and she did not know if that amused or pained her.
"Yes. Thank you for coming."
"We are kin. I trust we do not need formalities," Eomer was stark and to the point, "What is it that you want?"
"Are you occupied right now?"
"Not particularly."
"Would you help me?" she asked this boy who thought himself a man that stood in front of her, who had never hearkened to her since they met.
His brows knitted together, "With what?"
"I would like to go riding."
"What?" his gaze was incredulous.
"I would like to go riding," she repeated, "Will you help me fulfill my wish?"
"They would never allow it, not in your present condition."
She smiled curiously, "I never thought you one to adhere to the rules. Please, my Lord, take this as the last wish of a dying woman. Entertain my whim, please Eomer."
His frown grew deeper, "A dying woman?"
"Please Eomer, you and I both know the truth, and I would believe that you are the one who will not be deceived by false hope."
Eomer did not answer, for it was true. He was one who would not let false hope blind him from the painful truth in front of him.
Slowly, after long moments of thought, he nodded. "I will bring the horses to your terrace, and then help you out."
"Horses? I can no longer ride alone, Lord Eomer."
He nodded again, "I will bring my horse to your terrace."
Eomer was true to his word. Soon, he helped Elentari out of her room, and with some difficulty, onto his stallion. Mounting in front of her, she clung to him as a shipwrecked sailor clings to wood. With a click of his tongue and a nudge, they were off, "Not so fast," he murmured to his horse and tugged slightly on the reins.
"Where do you wish to go Elentari?" It was the first time he had ever said her name in her presence. He had always addressed her formally, or not at all.
"Away from life, but into life," was her answer. He did not question; he seemed to understand. She needed release from the artificial constraints of her life. She had no energy left for it. She wanted desperately to be back into what life really was. She breathed in the fresh cool air, with its sweet aroma of grasses and wildflowers mixed in with the scent of horses. She had forgotten what it was like outdoors, and she enjoyed every tingle of her skin as the wind rushed through her hair, every movement of the horse as it carried her and Eomer across the plains. The sky was so blue above her, so clear, so beautiful, as she watched the birds soar across with the clouds. The plain beneath them and ahead of them looked green, but as they moved closer, she saw the yellows, greens, reds, oranges, and purples that the wildflowers and various plants gave. A little rabbit scampered away, frightened as the approaching horse threatening to trample the adorable little creature. It seemed so dear to her, yet so far away; emblems of a life she had, but had never known, and was too tired to regret.
She did not know how much time had gone by, where they were, and she and Eomer did not speak the entire time; words were not needed. There was no hostility in their silence, only deep understanding that went beyond expression. Too soon, she saw again the little wooden houses of Edoras, heard and saw the little children playing in the grass outside their homes as their mothers cleaned the remnants of the mid-day meal. Then came the looming eaves of Meduseld, and she felt herself being helped off the horse. She staggered, almost fell to the ground, had Eomer not realized her fragility, and carried her back to her bed. Without a word, he helped her in, bowed, and walked toward the door. The last thing she said before surrendering to exhaustion was, "Thank you."
A rider yawned annoyed. This was the second time he had been disturbed in the middle of the night to ride to the Prince, carrying urgent news. Why couldn't that woman just rest? Why couldn't she be at peace? Every day there seemed new gossip in the market about her. Every day she grew weaker they said, and every day she wanted something else. She called for the Prince Theodred, yet when he was there, she refused to see him. She might be a lady, but was she not just another woman? And women could always be controlled. He scowled, but carried on with his orders to ride with all haste to Lord Theodred and tell him that he was needed in Edoras immediately. He shook his head. Last time it had been to carry news of early labor, and the resulting miscarriage. What was it this time? Must he be the bearer of ill tidings? The Prince had been too preoccupied to even notice him the last time, but he feared that he might bear the brunt of any violence Theodred might be inclined to. Yet his instructions were to ride without stopping until he reached Theodred, and so, like he had been taught since he was a boy, he followed orders.
He reached Theodred's camp when it was just stirring. Despite his exhaustion, he demanded an audience with the Prince, who was still asleep. As soon as he mentioned the words, "Lady Elentari," the men who guarded the tent, one of them Halas, immediately stopped bickering, and without a word, let him through.
Theodred was still asleep when he went in, and he stood there, not knowing whether to wake him or not, until Halas came in, realizing his dilemma, and as if quite used to it, went over and woke Theodred up, without a doubt or fear.
"What is it Halas?" he heard the Prince grunt sleepily.
"My Lord, a Rider has arrived," Halas said slowly, knowing the sleepy mind needs time to process words, "From Edoras; from the King; from Lady Elentari."
Theodred sat up at the last part, "What about her? What does it say?" He noticed the man standing there, "What does it say?" He demanded.
"My Prince, I was bid to ride here and tell you to make haste back to Meduseld. The Lady has taken ill again." Theodred's eyes widened with concern at this. The man swallowed in trepidation before he said the worst, "They say she screams your name, pleading with you to come to her, while she can still see you."
The speed at which Theodred arose was astounding, and he pressed upon the man, "What did they say was wrong with her? What do they say? Out with it man!" He forgot to dress as he ran outside his tent, issuing orders. He left a colonel in charge of the eored, while he, the rider, and Halas were to ride to Meduseld. It was not until Halas reminded him that he finally went back to dress, bidding the messenger to tell him the talk of Edoras, since no details came officially.
"All I hear is that she wants to die. She had quite a little fallout with the Lady Eowyn as well, or so they said," he reported. Theodred stopped at this, "With Eowyn? What for?"
"No one knows. Then I heard that she snuck out with Lord Eomer, and that they were gone for quite some time together; a whole afternoon. A stable boy said he saw him carry her off his horse, and after quite a while in her room, he took the steed to the stable. He was sweating and defensive."
Theodred's eyebrows knitted together in thought as they rode towards Meduseld. A fight with Eowyn? Riding out with Eomer? It was as unlike Elentari as anything he had heard. If anything, it would be the reverse: a confrontation with Eomer, who had never hearkened to her, and sneaking out with Eowyn, dearly beloved sister. Yet if she could ride out, she was not so weak as they made her sound. The thought both perplexed and soothed him. 'She pleads with you to come to her, while she can still see you.' He recalled the words that made him shiver. No. It could not be. He remembered the way they had parted. He had tried to say goodbye to her as he prepared to ride away that day, yet just like the days before, she refused to see him. The last words she had spoken to him were, "Leave Theodred, leave." Was he not to hear any more kind words from those voluptuous lips? He would not be parted from that voice; that clear, melancholy voice. No one would be so cruel to snatch her away from him, not even Death, especially on the terms they parted in. He had slept uneasily all these nights since they parted, dreaming of her. He saw her face. Sometimes, it was lovely and smiling, her almond-shaped eyes reducing to the size of a line with her sweet laughter. Those slightly parted lips entranced him, the way they moved with every word she spoke, the way her tongue flickered; they invited him.
But other times, he saw her sitting there, on their bed, talking animatedly with Elfhelm, Boromir, and Faramir. Yet as soon as he appeared, the merriness faded away, and she scowled coldly at him. She turned away, not letting him see her face, and in a cruel, high-pitched voice unlike hers, she shrieked those cruel words, "Leave Theodred. Leave. Get out. I don't want you; I hate you." And his heart shattered with each syllable uttered. He would awaken in a cold sweat, only then realizing that it was only a nightmare. Yet the spiteful look upon her face that accompanied those cruel words would not pass from his mind.
They arrived in the familiar slopes of Edoras nearing dusk; the same time of day they had arrived in this state last time. He hoped this time however, the news would not be ill, yet in his heart, he knew, it was not to be.
A/N: I should really stop with the cliffies. PLEASE REVIEW!