Title: Discontent
Author: Lioness Black
Rating: G
Spoilers: Half-Blood Prince
Summary: A Remus/Sirius story from the point of view of unrequited love.
She sat on the corner of the stair, watching out into the Hogwarts grounds. She was supposed to be working, and she was. She was keeping a lookout. As nothing had happened for days, she had grown weary.
No. It wasn't the job that had made her weary. It was her restless mind.
So many things. She feared for her parents. It had been nearly a year now since Bellatrix Lestrange had broken free from Azkaban. Since that day, she had worried for her mother's life. She had strayed from the traditional ways. Would Bellatrix kill her own sister in revenge for betraying her family, and, worst of all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?
Tonks didn't need to answer herself. She already knew.
She ran a hand through her brown hair. It wasn't just that. It was Remus. When the Order came together a year and half previously, she had fallen for him. Fallen for him hard. But there was simply no way it could be. He was quite obviously unavailable.
Oh sure, there were those other problems. He was much older than her (just young enough where it was improbable he was aged to be her father, as some would protest), and, then, of course, he was a werewolf. But more than anything, he was with Sirius.
So, she respected this. What could she do? Despite the thirteen years they had been apart, it was plain and simple: Lifelong love. Azkaban couldn't keep them apart. Any differences they had, it didn't matter. They had been together since school, it wasn't like it came from nowhere.
Like it had for her.
However, as much as she tried to push these feelings away, the more time she spent with him, Order work and the like, the further she fell in love. How could anyone turn away a handsome, kind, soft-spoken man like Remus? He was beautiful in every way, from her mannerisms, to his knowledge, to his scars, to the way he loved Sirius. Yes, she even loved that.
It simply was not that she had stopped fighting her own aunt and let Sirius fight. And to lose. It was guilt, but it was not guilt for that. Sirius knew the price he could pay by coming. She knew the price she could pay by being there. They all knew the risks. It was simply the bad luck of the draw. And so she had to tell herself everyday so she could crawl out of bed in the mornings.
Guilt was eating Tonks away.
She had wished that something would come between Sirius and Remus.
She had never meant for this happen.
Tonks sobbed into her hands, wiping her nose on the sleeve of her robes. The last thing in the world she wanted was for Sirius to die. But even still, even in death, he stood between her and Remus.
The guilt was killing her, but she had to make her move. If she didn't now, she never would. And if she never did, she thought she would die from emotion. She remembered confessing it to him and the way he stared at her, like she wasn't even real.
"Remus?" she had said, a drop of hope in her voice. Her hair, at this point, wasn't completely brown, but an ugly shade of reddish brown, near to that of dried blood. She couldn't get it to go one way or the other, but with the weight of Sirius' death on her, it felt oddly symbolic.
"Nymph-"
"Don't call me that."
"Tonks," he said, his voice heavy with an emotion she could not place, "that's very flattering, but I simply cannot. I'm much too old for you."
"I've thought that through," she replied. "I don't mind."
He frowned, "I haven't any money."
"I don't care. Besides, I have a job."
"I'm dangerous and you know that."
"One day out of the month!" she exclaimed. For a moment, her hair flashed a brilliant red and then went back to the murky red-brown shade.
"Tonks, it's not just that..."
She bowed her head. She knew what was coming. How foolish of her to only wait a month's time. How foolish indeed. She looked at him and sighed. "You're still in love with him."
Remus, whom she knew was a very private man, and kept such matters to himself, sighed as well. "Yes. And I cannot permit you to ask me how long I will grieve."
"I wasn't," she said, just above a whisper.
"Good," he replied, sounding uncharacteristically stern.
"I'm just being honest," she said, a little more confident this time. "I respect what you have Sirius have - had. That's why I didn't say anything until now. I wasn't going to try and break you up."
"Not on some schoolgirl crush, I would hope not."
She stared at him, suddenly angry with him, herself, and Sirius. "I'm not sixteen years old, here, Remus. I'm an adult. I know you love Sirius. And I'm not asking you to stop. But will there ever be a time, ever in your future, where you could move on? Would Sirius want you to deny yourself happiness (which you have so little of as is) to waste away, mourning for him?"
Tonks shuddered, remembering the look on his face. It was if she had slapped him. The next morning, her hair was mouse brown and her eyes were swollen with tears she was not aware she had cried.
So here she sat, on the corner of the stair at Hogwarts, staring into the mists of the morning, just before the sun rose.
Since that day, Remus had been friendly, like some unspoken pact to ignore what was happening. To ignore what she had said to him. To ignore his own reactions. She pressed in gently, every now and again, but it was the same reasons. He never mentioned Sirius. She wondered, perhaps, if he could ignore Sirius as well.
He could not ignore her Patronus changing. She still could not figure out, even for herself, if it changed from her guilt for Sirius, or her love for Remus. Or if, perhaps, the Patronus was sign from Sirius himself that it was all right. That he was willing to share. That she could love him now. That he could love her.
If only Remus would see.
Tonks wiped away her tears, and tried to clear her restless mind.