Ryoga untied the rope attaching him to Akane and set her down on the floor. He reached back out and with a sharp snap of the rope freed the hook, rapidly gathering it up before it could hit the side of the building. That they had managed to get this far brought relief to him, but now there came the problem of finding the safe. Then, there was the bigger problem of figuring out how Akane would be able to open it.
He could hear her crawling around on the floor and thought best to keep her at least within arms reach as he pondered their situation. Taking a small maglight from the bag, turned it on and panned the yellow lens colored light around in search of her.
"Akane?" he whispered. She was gone and panic started to fill his mind. "Great, I've lost a totally blitzed, three hundred pound woman in less than a minute. This just is not happening"
Carefully, Ryoga panned the light around as he made his way past Maeda's desk towards the middle of the room. Still no sign of Akane, he scratched his head and sat down in one of the near-by chairs.
"Where could she have gone"
A pair of hands appeared from either side of the chair slapping down on Ryoga's shoulders. Ryoga started to yell but cut it off, covering his mouth as his pulse raced in his ears. Akane's grinning face hovered up close to his.
"Boo," she said.
The shock faded away, Ryoga's eyes returning to normal size as Akane started giggling uncontrollably.
"Akane, this is not the time for games!" he snapped, shooting up out of the seat.
Her giggles stopped, Akane staring at Ryoga pacing around in a tight circle at the center of the room. She suddenly began whimpering.
"Akane this is not the time for tears, okay. We're in big trouble here"
"So, so, so you don't want to play with me"
"No, no, no, Akane. It's not that… uh, I mean no, uh, I don't know what I mean"
Akane's whimpers picked up.
"Oooooo… Ah-ooooooo… Ranmaaaaa… you never want to play with me anymore"
"Oh, she still thinks I'm Ranma"
"Bwaaahahahaaaaa… always pretending to have a headache… I know what kind of headache you're supposed to have but you never get one"
That shocked Ryoga and he stood speechless for a second. "This is definitely not the time to for this." He rushed over taking Akane by the shoulders. "Akane, please stop. Someone's going to hear you"
"NIdon'tcarrre… booooowahahahaaaaa… I'm going to tell Daddeeeee… he-he-he-he'll make you give me babies"
"Akane, I'm not Ranma! Please, somehow get sober"
Akane abruptly stopped and drew back staring at Ryoga. He thought she had come around but then her bottom lip began to quiver again and she resumed her crying.
"Ooooh, Ranmaaaa… I'm a bad wife aren't I"
"No! I don't know. Ranma would know, but I'm sure you're a fantastic wife, Akane. Can't handle your liquor, but I'll bet a fantastic wife just the same"
"Bwahaaaaaaa… you're punishing me for being a bad wife, aren't you, Ranma"
"I'm not Ranma"
Akane stopped crying again. "Okay," she said in a meek voice. Ryoga thought he'd finally gotten through to her, but she went over to Maeda's desk, kicked aside the chair in front and then bent over placing her hands on the front edge. "I'm ready," she said, bracing herself.
"Ready? Ready for what?" asked Ryoga.
"My spanking"
This time the blood did start rushing from Ryoga's nose. "I've married the wrong woman," he said in disbelief.
Akane looked back at him. "Well? What are you waiting for? Get over here and spank me!" Ryoga felt faint and started reminding himself that Akari was his wife. He couldn't move and gaped at her speechless.
"Come on! Get it out of your system so we can go back to a normal life." Still Ryoga remained still and Akane frowned. "You better get over here, Ranma Saotome, or, or, or I'm going to call my daddy and he'll come over and browbeat you to death until you do!" she snapped, placing a hand to her right ear.
Call your daddy, thought Ryoga then it dawned on him what she was referring too.
The earpiece!
"Uh, okay 'dear'. I'll come and do what I-I'm supposed to do"
Ryoga took hesitant steps over to Akane every part of him shaking like a leaf on a tree. Akane braced herself again, and he had to gulp down the hard lump in his throat as she wagged her backside in slow deliberate sweeps.
Man, if Akari finds out about this!
He reached out, first down, and then with a lightning snatch, pulled the transceiver from her ear and quickly backed away.
"No, Ranma, give it baaack!" sobbed Akane, staggering after him.
"I need this more than you do, Akane," replied Ryoga, putting the transceiver on. Akane let out a sob and shuffled back over to the desk.
Oh, why me, muttered Ryoga. Hello, Hello! Is there anybody out there
Down in the front room, Ranko paused from her duties, fighting back the urge to cry out and winced sharply at the sound of Ryoga's frantic calls. Ukyo, helping Shampoo set up another display of food in the dinning area, also started sharply at the call. Ranko recovered first and excused herself moving away back towards the foyer.
Pretending to fix her bonnet, she placed a hand to her ear. Ryoga! Will you stop screaming, you almost killed my ear! she answered low.
Yeah, well at least you're not having as much trouble as I am right now
What trouble, and for that matter why are you talking on this thing? I thought Akane was comms for you guys
She was, but uhm, things have changed
Why? What's happened to Akane? said Ranko, fearing the worst. Ukyo too stopped what she was doing and frowned. She handed off the tongs in her hands to Akari and started making her way though the guests in search of Nabiki.
She, uh, she uhm… she's kind'a drunk. explained Ryoga.
"What?" exclaimed Ranko. Several of the guests around her turned wondering what she the shouting was about. Ranko flinched and meekly turned around. "Ah, sorry," she said inching her way out of the room. She set her tray down on a small table and turned her back.
What do mean Akane's drunk
She's drunk! One of those damn guards's of Maeda gave her a swig of moonshine and now she's plastered. Worse still I had to haul her ass up to this floor. You know, Ranma, your wife is not light
Tell me about it. You wouldn't know it if (PHFTH!) that's not important right now! You can't give Akane alcohol! She just thinks about the word and she's blitzed for the week
Ryoga looked over at Akane again. She was back bent over the desk again, wagging her behind teasingly around at him grinning from ear to ear and humming a light meandering tune.
That and much more, Ranma, he said. You two have definitely got to sit down and talk about this family issue of yours
Is she babbling
Like a parrot
Ooo, Ooo, what's she saying, what's she saying? It was Ukyo.
Ukyo? About time you answered up! snapped Ryoga.
I've been listening in. Now what's Akane been saying
Don't worry about that! growled Ranko. Ryoga, how could you let Akane get drunk
I couldn't stop her! Anyway, she thinks I'm you and… uh oh… no, no Akane, don't do that
It went silent and Ranko tensed up. She could hear faint mutterings, some moans and then Ryoga's voice returned.
FShesph TTTTafkingph offffherclphothfths
What
I said (ooph!), Akane will you stop I'm trying to talk here
Spank my butt, Ranmaaaaa
Ranko's long gasp of air drew the attention of the guests standing close by in the adjoining room. They could only watch in utter amazement as Ranko, now in full rage, hopped madly around arms flailing, ranting out loud at some imaginary being. An elderly lady in her early sixties tipped a curious eye at the fussing maid then casually turned looking around until she spotted Victoria chatting casually with another group across the way. "Oh Miss Saffron," she called out. Vicky turned and the woman motioned for her to come over.
It had to be trouble, thought Vicky as she approached. This old bat had been after her ever since she became a member of the Bonsai Club, as was the privilege of all the local bosses' wives and relations. Any excuse getting her expelled would be eagerly taken, and the haughty look on her face only echoed her desires.
With a forced smile; Vicky said "Why hello Mrs. Iwamoto. I'm glad you"
Her voice trailed off when she caught sight of Ranko.
"Yes, interesting employees you have here, Victoria," said Mrs. Iwamoto. "Quite a reflection of the way you manage your household, hmm"
Vicky stared speechless at Ranko. She placed a hand to her face and hung her head. "Tell me this is not happening," she muttered low.
By then, Ranko sensed the stares upon her and she stopped in mid-hop balancing precariously on one spiked heel and turned around. "Heh!" she let out and tip-toed carefully back into the closet, shutting the door behind her.
"Mrs. Iwamoto continued. "Yes, very enlightening indeed. I'll be sure to bring it up at next weeks meeting. The girls will all want to know where you found such humorous help"
She moved off snickering derisively as she did. Victoria glared furiously at the closet door and the muted ravings coming from inside. Her ire shifted as one predominant image appeared in her mind, and she turned.
"Where is she?" snarled Victoria, storming off to find her rebellious soon-to-be ex-employee…
"This is so good. This is so good. Oh this is so, so, so good"
Ukyo hurried through the crowd searching for Nabiki barely able to contain her joy. Even with Ranko's raving in her ear, she still found this new twist entertaining. The only downside was the inability to record everything that was going on. Sure would make a great movie or the plot for a new T.V. series.
Finally, she found Nabiki with Tatewaki in the main room chatting with a few members of the city economics board and rushed over. Tatewaki spotted her approach first giving Nabiki a slight nudge and nod in her direction.
"Uh oh. This can't be good," she said to him.
"By her expression I would think there is cause to celebrate, don't you"
"No, that's her 'I'm glad you brought me' look. Something is wrong"
Ukyo stopped and stood staring silently at them. Her lips quivered, eyes bright with glee, but before she could speak, Nabiki anticipated her words and cut her off.
"Don't you dare say it," she told her.
"(eep) Okay. But you better come with me"
Nabiki sigh, wondering why nothing was going right tonight. "Be careful," she said to Tatewaki.
"Am I not always"
Whimpering, Nabiki followed Ukyo back through the party and out to the foyer. They went up the stairs and found a vacant room, locking the door behind them. Ukyo pulled off her earpiece and handed it to Nabiki.
That's it, Hibiki! I'm telling Akari you're flirting with my wife
I'm not doing anything of the sort! I can't help it if you're wife is not satisfied with her home life
What! You better take those words back, and keep your hands off of my wife
What the? wondered Nabiki. Guys, guys! What's going on
Nabiki? said Ryoga.
Yes. Ryoga, why are you on the line and where is Akane
He's taking advantage of her, Nabiki! shouted Ranko. I'm going to go up there and kick his A-double S
I am not! You're the one who's got problems, pal
Guys, stop it
The circuit went dead. Only Ukyo's deviant laughter broke the silence, then Nabiki drew in a breath.
Ryoga. What has happened to Akane
She's drunk
What
Ukyo could hold back no more, laughing out loud holding her sides. "Ukyo, this is not funny!" shouted Nabiki.
"To me it is. And I want to tell you Nabiki, I'm going to cherish every second of this"
Nabiki frowned. Ryoga, how in the hell did Akane get a hold of alcohol? Kodachi is down here
One of Maeda's thugs gave her a swig of some Moonshine
Moonshine? Okura, you sly dog. I completely missed that
What does that matter! raged Ranko. Akane is blitzed. She can't open a safe in this condition
Not to mention she thinks I'm Ranma and keeps complaining about family matters
Really? Talking about babies again
Stay out of our private life! Nabiki, what are we going to do about Akane
Nabiki paused. She chuckled and cut a humored glance over at Ukyo. "This is getting kind of good"
"Isn't it though? Too bad I can't hear what they're saying now"
Nabiki giggled and caught herself before she slipped any further. We're getting behind schedule guys, and this will certainly add to our time
So what do we do? asked Ryoga.
Give me a second, answered Nabiki. It was all the time she needed. Okay. Ranko, where are you? I did not see you when we passed through your area
I'm in the coat closet
It was better not to ask why, Nabiki continued. Well come out of the closet, odd as it sounds, and get back to your station. Ryoga, keep Akane there and quiet
Easy for you to say. She keeps waving her booty in my face
You keep those hands off that booty, Ryoga Hibiki. That's mine! snapped Ranko.
Nabiki paused again to trade giggles with Ukyo. Don't worry about Ryoga, Ranko. Just get out there and keep an eye out for Maeda and his men
Ranko grumbled something but complied.
Now if only Doctor Tofu was here
Yeah, where is he? I haven't heard his voice yet. said Ryoga.
I don't know but he is surly needed now. Sit tight Ryoga. Ukyo will be back up to give you instructions in a little while
Hurry it up
Nabiki took off the earpiece and gave it back to Ukyo. "Get down to Kodachi," she instructed her, "See if she knows or has something that can sober Akane up enough to be half-useful"
"Kodachi? Are you sure, Nabiki? She might try and slip Akane some poison or worse one of her sleep potions"
"We don't have any choice, Ukyo. Without being able to talk to Doctor Tofu, Kodachi is our best chance of getting things back on track"
Ukyo shuddered a bit. "Ew, never thought we'd have to bank on Kodachi to pull us out of a tight spot"
"Yeah, sticks in my craw too. Come on, we need to get back downstairs before Maeda starts missing us…"
A cold shiver flowed up Hikaru Gosunkugi's back as he stood clutching a tree branch in his frail hands before him, staring at the van and its unwanted occupant carousing inside. He shook, this time not from the cold air, but the fear at what he was about to do next. Hikaru took a hesitant step forward and then abruptly turned.
"Doc, tell me again why I'm doing this?" he whispered.
Doctor Tofu, peering at him with slowly puffing eyes from the brush, smirked at the question. "Because you are the one who drew it in there in the first place, that's why"
Hikaru glanced at the van. "Okay, a slight mistake, but at least we know that Kasumi's cooking is appreciated by the animals too"
"Go to the van, Hikaru"
Gosunkugi gulped and faced the van. He took another hesitant step towards it and spun around again. "Aw Doc, I'd rather face you again than go in there"
"GOSUNKUGI"
Ono caught himself, grimacing a moment more from the stinging welts and bumps on his cheeks and jaw than anger, and then sighed.
"Hikaru, remember the plan. You draw it out, it chases you into the woods, I limp into the van, you double back and dive in, and we both shut the door. Got it"
"It's that chase me part that got me concerned, Doc"
"What about it? You're a spry young man, so it should be no problem"
"That bear might catch me! I'm thin enough that it could eat me with one gulp. What then"
"Well then you get to finish your meal"
Hikaru pondered that for a moment, finally agreeing with him. "Yeah, I could. It was looking tasty and"
He started realizing what he was saying. Ono laughed at the frowning man and then pointed to the van. "Bear," he said.
"In there," replied Hikaru.
"Will you get on with it"
With timid resolve, Gosunkugi moved steadily closer to the van. Finally he was at the side door and could see the bear draped over the front seat apparently taking a break from its search.
"…hello?" Hikaru called to it. No response, Gosunkugi quickly moving back. "Sorry, Doc, but the bear seems not interested in me"
"Hikaru, hit it"
"What"
"I said hit it"
"Why, it's not in interested in me. In fact it doesn't even realize I'm there at all"
"Hikaru, you could be a big black dot on a white page of paper and still be missed! Now go hit it"
He looked incredulously at the branch in his hands. "With this?" questioned Hikaru.
"Yes"
"Well Doc, don't you think I could use a longer branch"
"If I find one I'm using it on you! Now go hit the bear"
Anymore protests were useless; Gosunkugi timidly returning to the side door repeating Ono's command mockingly as he did. The bear had not moved and it now appeared to be asleep or just about to doze off. Great, my luck it's female and a grouchy female means an angry female the worst form of any species.
A weak prod to the bear's side brought only a low growl in response. "I don't want to do this," whined Hikaru. He looked back out over his shoulder with pleading eyes at Doctor Tofu. Ono was unmoved gesturing for him to finish the job.
Gosunkugi stared at the bear for a moment and then took the branch in both hands. Gathering up all of the nerve he had, Hikaru made a sharp thrust out towards the bear shouting, "I'm sorry!" as he did.
His actions were well rewarded as a loud growl filled the air, joined immediately by Gosunkugi's scream as he bolted out the van the bear hot on his heels. Unfortunately, the direction he chose was not the one that Ono neither desired nor wanted.
"Somehow I should have expected this," said Ono as the pair charged towards him. "Yes, it fits the happenings of this day perfectly. (Sigh) Well let's hope this work"
Shifting to one side, Ono crouched; waiting as Hikaru burst through the brush in desperate flight for his life. The bear, now at full lope, vaulted over the top mouth open ready to tear into its prey. Suddenly Doctor Tofu rose up and with two fingers held tight together made a thrust hitting the bear just behind its head near the neck. Both it and Hikaru crumpled to the ground in a heap.
"AH! AH! I'M DEAD, I'M DEAD! IT'S EATEN ME AND I'M INSIDE ITS STOMACH, hey where's my dinner, AH, AH! IT'S DARK, I'M BEING DEVOURED! AH, PAIN, PAIN,PAAAIN"
"Hikaru"
Gosunkugi paused. "Doc? Doc, it got you too"
"No, Hikaru"
With a grunt, Ono rolled the unconscious bear off of him. Gosunkugi sat up surprised he was still alive. He looked at Tofu and smiled.
"See, that wasn't so hard after all"
Ono smirked. "You were supposed to go the other way"
"My body had different plans"
"Get up"
Hikaru stood staring down at the now unconscious bear with some surprise. He rubbed the back of his neck and then went to catch up with Doctor Tofu; who was making his way back to their van.
"Hey, Doc that was something else"
"It only worked because the gods of luck happen to be on your side, Hikaru"
"You mean you didn't know you could stop that bear"
Tofu stopped and looked down at Gosunkugi with a sharp gaze. Hikaru smirked knowing that he just missed being torn limb from limb. A quick glance back over his shoulder, he smiled meekly up at Ono.
"Thanks, Doc," he said.
"Just be thankful these two fingers were able to hit the right spot through all of that fur and fat flying through the air, Hikaru"
"Yeah. You know you aught to patent those, Doc. Make you famous, soon everyone will be calling you 'Clint Tofu"
Ono frowned, glaring at Hikaru for a second. He shook his head and continued on. "Clint Tofu… will you listen to him," he muttered.
Inside the van the place was a shambles with parts and pieces of seats and paneling strew everywhere. Claw marks ripped across several of the windows, and then Hikaru let out a gasp staring at where their computer had been set up. The chassis lay on the floor, parts of the outer case bent and dented in, but what worried Hikaru more were the long claw marks running almost the entire length of the flat screen dangling precariously by one wire on the wall.
"Oh Doc we might be out of commission," he said climbing inside.
Ono began to follow when suddenly he smelled a thick mucky reek, wrinkling his nose as he drew back in disgust. "Aw, what is that?" he cried.
"Huh?" said Hikaru. In his concern for his beloved computer, Gosunkugi was completely oblivious to the smell until Ono pointed it out. He gagged, covering his nose and mouth with his hands. "I think our bear left us a present, Doc"
"Figures! Where is it"
"You want me to look for that"
"No, no, no, never mind. What about the computer"
Hikaru looked over the components and shrugged. "I'll have to run some quick test to see if anything critical was damaged"
"How long"
"Can't say right now"
Ono glanced at his watch. They were very much way behind schedule and this only meant more time off track. He told Hikaru to get started and braved the smell climbing in.
"I'm going to look for the earpiece. Do you need any help"
"A rebreather would be nice"
"Concentrate, Hikaru"
Gosunkugi examined the computer again. "Outlets messed up. We'll need to jump power from the van's power system if I'm going to operate this"
"That I can manage. I still have the keys," replied Ono.
He went to go start up the van when Gosunkugi called him again.
"Doc, what about that bear out there"
"What about it"
"Well when it wakes up it's going to be really mad at us"
"Then we'll just close the door, Hikaru"
Hikaru looked up, sniffing the air for a moment. "Uh, Methane is not very breathable, Doc"
Ono paused just before he could sit down behind in the drivers seat, turning around to him. "Hikaru, let me worry about the bear, okay? You just get that computer back up and running"
"Okay, Doc"
Tofu sighed and sat down with a harrumph in frustration. He let out a yell that startled Hikaru sending him for cover.
"Doc, Doc! What's wrong?" he exclaimed.
Tofu sat silent for a moment, his head hung low. He looked up and then peered over at Gosunkugi.
"I found it," was the only thing he said, hanging his head back down.
"Ew," muttered Hikaru, shuddering. "I'm so glad I don't know how to drive…"