Cleared for Take Off
By: Waldo.
Surprisingly they were both very sober when they got back to Josh's place. Not that the State of the Union was a falling-down-drunk sort of party, but with Josh, it didn't take much. The good numbers had negated any need for serious amounts of alcohol.
Somehow in all the celebration, Sam and Josh had gotten separated and Josh had missed his excuse to hug Sam in public again. So with the door shut and locked, their overcoats and suit jackets draped over the couch, Josh grabbed him and pressed him close to his body. With no forethought, he put one hand on the back of Sam's head, tilted it back and kissed him.
Sam moaned and pressed in tighter, opening his mouth and letting Josh do what he wanted.
"That speech was amazing. You put us back in the game, Sam. You. We've got a shot at a second term, and it's all because of you." Josh leaned in and kissed him again.
Sam kissed him back just long enough to make sure that Josh didn't feel rejected and then pulled back. "Toby wrote a little of that too, you know." He smiled and looked up at Josh through his eyelashes. "I mean, it was the State of the Union. And a critical one at that. Everyone had a hand in it."
"I wonder if I'm the only person who believes it isn't false modesty when you say things like that." Josh kissed his nose and stepped away. "Want a beer or something?" he called back from half way to the fridge.
"Got something warm? It's freezing out there!" Sam followed Josh to the kitchen.
"Freezing in here too, right?" Josh walked back to the hall and turned up the heat. At midnight the automatic thermostat had turned down the heat. Now after four o'clock, the place had gotten damn cold.
"Yeah, well, I wasn't going to say anything." Sam picked up a book from Josh's kitchen table and started leafing through it.
"Which is something I'll never understand," Josh muttered as he poked through his cabinets.
"Just because you've gotten in the habit of waltzing into my place and making yourself at home…" Sam mumbled back, noticing that he had no idea what the book was about, and wasn't entirely sure he could locate his reading glasses in order to find out.
"I've got Bailey's. I could make Irish Coffees," Josh suggested, holding up a new bottle triumphantly. "Mom sent this in her last care package."
Sam laughed. "Oh good, you can couple that up with the shoes and spend the next two weeks on the floor." Sam noticed the box on the table and went over to inspect it. It amused him to no end that Josh's mother had never stopped sending care packages when he'd gotten out of college. Ever since they'd met, Josh was great about sharing the contents with because he knew that Sam had always been a little sad that Josh's mom bothered and his, well, hadn't. Sam's parents made sure he had money, but doing a telephone transfer, or more accurately, having an accountant do a transfer, into Sam's bank account wasn't even close to being the same as making cookie bars and buying those particular ball point pens that he'd mentioned were his favorites lately and sending in local newspaper clippings that he might find interesting. When Josh had mentioned this to his mom at his dad's funeral, she'd started putting in little things just for Sam.
"Did I ever tell you that my parents used to send me those little airplane sized bottles of vodka and rum and whatever when I was in college?" Josh asked as he measured coffee into the coffee maker.
Sam was poking through the box, trying to focus on the newspaper clippings and only really able to make out the headlines. "What, for your twenty-first birthday or something?"
"No, they started when I was freshman."
"Josh," Sam said slowly, "Weren't you, like, seventeen when you started college?"
Josh poured the carafe of water into the coffeemaker and switched it on. "I turned eighteen the summer before."
"So your parents were contributing to the delinquency of a minor?" Sam picked up a few pairs of socks and a pair of mittens - which matched - from the box.
" Have I mentioned lately that my parents were -"
"- Totally cool." Sam finished for him. "Yeah."
Josh hated how sad he sounded at that. "There's stuff in there for you," Josh said as he came over and leaned on the wall near the table. "Some of those logic puzzle books you like, a couple of newspaper articles on things going on in California, oh, and those gummi bears in the gold bag. Not the ones in the blue bag, the ones in the gold bag. I was very specific when she asked what kind of candy you like."
"I wish you wouldn't encourage her, Josh. She has a son."
"Yeah, but I ended up with the cool mom. She's always taken care of my friends. When I was in junior high, my friend Gale used to walk in my house, without knocking, go to the fridge where my mom kept American cheese slices just for him, get a few and then wander around the house until he found me. It's just how she is."
"I'll send her a thank you card tomorrow," Sam said fishing out the candy and squinting at the books.
Josh went back over to the couch and grabbed his jacket, rummaging around until he found what he was looking for. "Want these?" he asked, holding up Sam's reading glasses.
"Thanks," Sam took them and put them on. "How'd you end up with these?"
"You left them on the table at the reception. Guess you were a little preoccupied." Josh left the thought there, letting Sam decide if he wanted to talk about Lisa.
"She's going back to New York tomorrow. I guess they'll send someone else to follow up on the thing. Personally, I'd just as soon they didn't."
"Yeah, you've never really been much of the limelight sort," Josh went over and fell over on the couch. "Was it really that awkward?"
"I was pissed the entire time," Sam came over and dropped onto the couch, misjudging where he was and ending up with his leg pressed tightly against Josh's. He shifted away just enough that he wasn't all but in his lap and whispered, "sorry." Josh put an arm around his shoulders and pulled him in while Sam organized his thoughts.
"She had no idea what I was doing out here. I mean, maybe it's that we live here, we do this, we have to know what's going on, but I always assumed that most people had some kind of clue what was going on in politics. We live in a democracy. How can you vote if you don't understand? If you don't know?"
Josh began a gentle, one-handed massage of Sam's neck.
"I knew when she left her last P.R. firm to start reporting at Vanity Fair. She'd always wanted to write. We had that in common. And I knew when she made the leap and I sent her a card and an email congratulating her on the job. I can name half a dozen things she's written lately." When Josh cocked an eyebrow he added, "Ginger and Bonnie read it. I asked them to copy any articles she writes and leave them in my in box for me. Was I that naïve to think she'd keep tabs on me, even a little?"
He looked up at Josh, really expecting an answer.
Josh sighed. "Sam, you know better than to ask me about Lisa. I never liked the way she treated you. And it's easy to call it jealousy, especially now when I can be as magnanimous as possible, but even before I knew I was in love with you, hell, even before you said you were in love with me, I didn't like her."
"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry." Sam leaned forward, rubbing his hands together, letting his head drop.
"You don't have anything to be sorry for," Josh told him sternly. Sam had always had a habit of apologizing for Lisa and Josh's dislike of her. He sighed and got up. "Coffee's done. Take your shoes off and relax, I'll bring it in here, okay?"
Sam leaned back, letting his head drop onto the back of the couch. "Thanks. Not so much Bailey's in mine, okay? I'm a little flaky as it is right now."
"A little? Right now?" Josh tossed back from the kitchen.
"Thank you," Sam said brusquely, but not without humor, as he toed off his shoes and stretched out on the couch.
"Any time," Josh said returning with two mugs and a cardboard box of Domino's sugar and a spoon. "Here, you can put your sugar in, since I can't understand how anyone can really want that much sugar in coffee."
Sam smiled and spooned in about three heaping teaspoons. "Same way I can't understand how you can eat a hamburger that would make a better hockey puck than a dinner."
"Touché," Josh acquiesced.
"I'm going to tell your mom to include a sugar bowl in your next care package."
Josh snickered. "When you finish that, we'll go to bed, okay?" Josh settled himself on the floor near Sam's head.
"Sure," Sam sipped his coffee and sighed. "This is good, thanks."
"No trouble." Josh leaned against the couch, his head dropping back against Sam's thigh. "I'm glad this is over. All of it. Well, as over as we're able to make it anyway."
Sam switched his coffee to his left hand and began combing his fingers through the curls near his right. "I want to sleep for a week."
"Yeah, tomorrow's Saturday. Leo said he'd call if he needed us for anything." Josh was essentially purring at the continued petting.
"I should charge my cell," Sam said starting to get up.
Josh pushed him back, "He knows you're here."
"What? Josh - "
"Easy, Sam," regretfully Josh sat up and turned to face Sam. "The President's going all… dad on us. He called me and C.J. in and said that we were to make sure that you and Toby got a good night's sleep tonight. He told us that we could pick who we - his word, not mine - babysat, but he wanted us to make sure that you guys didn't drive tonight and that you got some sleep."
Sam looked flabbergasted. The President took good care of his staff, but this was going a bit too far. "You can't be serious."
"I am. He called us in after that last read-through this afternoon and told us that if anything happened to you two, it would be our asses on the line and that we'd get stuck writing the damn speeches for you." Josh smiled, reaching up to trace Sam's lips with his finger. "I told them I didn't mind looking after you tonight at all."
Sam blushed and hid his smile behind his coffee mug.
Josh's smile changed, morphed into something that Sam couldn't look away from. It was soft, warm, loving… cherishing. He finally tore his eyes away and stared into the swirling mist of his coffee.
Josh put a hand on his knee and when he didn't look up right away, he tapped his leg. "I love you."
Sam smiled, wondering why, after all the times they'd spoken the words, they could still make him blush. "I love you too. Thanks for taking care of me."
"Any time," Josh answered whole-heartedly.
The State of the Union killed the Communications staff every year. Leo, Josh and C.J. took meetings that would generally be sent down to Sam and Toby for a few weeks after, letting them escape at a decent hour to try and get caught up on the sleep they'd forgone for the last month. Last year Josh had noticed something of a trickle down effect as Margaret and Donna had taken to doing things like getting lunch orders for not only their areas but for Communications as well, letting Bonnie and Ginger relax a little more. Josh tried to imagine not seeing this incredible group of people day after day. He knew that at best there'd only be another four and a half years, but it was already heartbreaking to try and imagine it. This amazing group of people who looked out for each other personally and professionally, physically and emotionally. For the first time he let himself think about what might happen if Sam and he decided on different paths after the White House.
It was on the tip of his tongue to ask Sam what he planned to do afterwards, but when he thought about how weary Sam already was, he decided to bench the discussion for a while.
He thought, instead, about the speech. About all the applause and the lines and the numbers and hugs and the celebration in the bullpen. It had been a good night. It was still a good night. The President and Leo'd all but sent Sam home with him. How could it not be a good night?
"Ready for bed?" Josh asked, putting his empty coffee cup on the table and taking Sam's from unresisting fingers.
"Only for about the past three weeks," Sam muttered.
Josh stood and held his hands out, pulling Sam to his feet when he took them. Josh pulled him in close and wrapped an arm around him and steered him into the bedroom. Standing at the foot of the bed, Josh kissed him again as he pulled off Sam's tie and started unbuttoning Sam's shirt.
Sam responded to the kiss eagerly, reaching out to undress Josh at the same time. Their arms tangled on occasion, but they managed to get out of ties, shirts and pants without breaking the kiss for any serious length of time. Josh toppled them both to the bed when he tried to get his socks off. They laughed and slowed down to tender, chaste kisses.
Eventually Josh moved away to turn back the bed and take his socks off without killing anyone. As they crawled in, Josh reached for Sam's boxers, but found his hands blocked rather suddenly. "Josh -"
The playfulness was gone, the smiles gone, both replaced by worry.
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry." Josh pulled back to his side of the bed.
"No, no, Josh…" Sam sighed in frustration.
"I know, I know," Josh took a deep breath and rolled back to Sam. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pushed."
"It's okay." Sam rolled to face Josh, holding Josh's forearm in his hand, rubbing it with his thumb. "I just…" He stopped and closed his eyes. Josh kept expecting him to take a deep breath and try to explain himself, but Sam just stayed very still, holding his breath.
"This was a dumb time for me to have pulled something like this, Sam. You're exhausted and the thing with Lisa and everything. I'm really, really sorry."
Sam tried to not hear the hurt still evident in Josh's voice. He raised his head and kissed Josh's lips gently, not failing to notice that Josh didn't return it. "I want to, Josh," he whispered. "God, I want to so bad. I'm tired, yeah, but I'm kind of high too. We did good tonight. I saw Lisa, severed that last… thing between us, and god, I want to." He snuggled in close. "But I'm scared, Josh. I'm scared on about six different levels and I just want… I want to talk a minute, okay?"
Josh nodded. "Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry, Sam." Josh took a calming, centering breath and then turned so that Sam could rest his head on his shoulder. "What are you scared of?" When no immediate answer was forthcoming he added, "Me?"
Sam shook his head against Josh. "No. I think that may be the only part of this I'm not afraid of."
"Okay, then why don't you pick one thing you are afraid of and start there." Josh started running his fingers through Sam's hair.
Josh swore he could feel the color rise in Sam's cheeks, felt Sam's face get warm through his t-shirt. "Tell me," he whispered softly.
"It's been a long time for me, Josh."
"Would it be rude of me to ask how long?" Josh tightened his hand around Sam's back.
Sam sighed. "Since… well… oh god."
Josh smiled a little at Sam's bashfulness. "Come on, talk to me," Josh encouraged, briefly wondering if they should just wait and talk when Sam wasn't both wired and exhausted. But they were there now, the discussion been started and he wasn't sure that either of them would be brave enough to start it again later. "Talk to me," he repeated softly.
"I tried, once, to tell Lisa that… I must have known how she'd react because I started the conversation very hypothetically, and before I could get anywhere near personal, I knew I needed to change the topic." Sam had started tracing idle patterns on Josh's chest with one finger.
"She never knew that you're… flexible." It was a term Josh had picked up from a southern friend and fixated on. He liked it better than 'bisexual' or even 'bi', let alone the hundreds of euphemisms that popped up over time.
Sam shook his head. "She's as liberal as I am, except on that one thing. For everything else she disagreed with the Catholic Church on, she really couldn't deal with…"
"How the hell did you two stay together for so long?" Josh wondered.
"We just… left that subject alone. And I thought… I was so sure I was in love with her and it wouldn't matter. You know? I'd be with her and I could leave that other part of me behind, and I wouldn't care. It's never been about… it's always been about the person for me." Sam grew agitated and rolled away from Josh, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling.
Josh was overwhelmed by the feeling that he needed to reassure Sam. There was something in his body language that spoke of closing up, retreating, hiding. "Well, I guess I just have to say, 'thank god for that.'"
Sam had to think back about what he'd said before he could understand what Josh meant. When he got it, he smiled slightly.
"You know, there was a time that I started feeling a little bad for pulling you away from her, but I gotta tell you, right now, I couldn't be more glad that I did. Not just for me, either. I can't imagine that you'd have been happy with her."
"I know you hated her," Sam said softly, seeming defeated.
"I didn't really care enough about her enough to really hate her. I hated the way she treated you, Sam. She always acted like she was doing you some big favor by being with you and that's utter bullshit. She was so extremely lucky and she never knew it. I know. I'm in her place now, and I think maybe I don't even realize how lucky I am. She never had a clue."
Sam flushed again at the compliment. "Can we not talk about her? Okay? I talked to her tonight. Had it out with her to a degree. She's part of my past now. You're here now and I'd really, really rather focus on that."
"Okay," Josh agreed easily. "So, it's been… a long time, huh?"
Sam smiled and nodded. "Almost ten years, Josh. Please don't tease me."
"I wouldn't. Not like this. Not over something like this. I guess I've always known that you really don't give yourself to anyone easily. It just makes me feel a little… less for the fact that I can't claim to have waited… you know?" Josh deliberately didn't bring Laurie into the conversation because that was a serious aberration of Sam's normal personality. And he still harbored some guilt that Sam had done that because he was trying to blow off some steam about his best friend very likely being fired for mouthing off on t.v.
"Can I ask?" Sam whispered.
"Oh, Sam…" Josh didn't want to tell him.
"Seriously, I don't care. I just wondered. You don't have to tell me. We never promised…"
"No, no, it's… remember last spring when my friend from Yale came out for the weekend?"
"Jeremy? The guy we had dinner with?" Sam blinked. He hadn't gotten that vibe at all.
"Yeah, it probably wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been paged out of dinner, but he asked me about you, and I knew him in college and back then we… and so I told him the whole story and -"
"Josh!" Sam cut him off, laughing. "It's okay. I slept with a prostitute, I'm so not going to complain because you were with a friend."
"We were careful," Josh added seriously.
"Okay. Good," Sam said, reaching up to brush his fingers through the hair at Josh's temple, glad he didn't have to ask that question.
They stared at each other for a long time before Josh leaned in and gently kissed him again. "Why else are you scared?"
"I don't let go easily, Josh. If we do this, we have to do this. I can't… I don't know why it's different when you've slept with someone, but I don't think I'd be able to share you like that with someone else. I want to be the guy who can say, 'hey, whatever makes you happy,' but I'm not entirely certain I can do that. I'm sorry." Sam was suddenly fascinated with the point of the V-neck on Josh's t-shirt.
"I'm not sure I could either. Like you said, if we do this, we do this. And in the interest of being completely honest, I think that may be what scares me." Josh threaded his fingers between Sam's and pulled their joined hands to his heart.
"I love you," he continued. "I love you and I think I am probably the luckiest person on the planet because you love me back, and I am not in any way embarrassed by you, Sam." Josh sighed, trying to find a way to say this that wouldn't hurt and finding none.
"But it can't get out. The White House has enough scandal. I know. It bites, but I know." Sam leaned in and kissed him.
Josh let out a huge sigh of relief and gathered Sam up in his arms. He'd been terrified that Sam would feel like he was second to the job. "Yeah, it bites. And it's not that I love the job more than I love you, but so much of who we are is what we are and I think we'd hate each other if this thing made us give that up."
"You're right. And if anyone ever made me choose, I'd choose you over Jed Bartlet every time, but if there's even the remotest chance we can have both, we should try. And I think we have that chance." Sam snuggled into his new place on Josh's chest.
"Absolutely," Josh whispered into his ear. "He's a good man and a good president and he doesn't need us making an impossible job any more difficult." He squeezed Sam tight.
"Right." Sam waited a second, thinking. "So what did we just decide?"
Josh pulled back, pressing his head into the pillows, to look at him. "I'm not entirely certain. We either decided to keep waiting or to just be very, very careful."
"We wouldn't be able to spend the night together much more than we do now without someone getting suspicious," Sam answered, trying to allude to his preference, but hoping Josh would make the ultimate decision.
"I'd can't say that I wouldn't want to be with you every night, but I'd rather have something than nothing."
"Yeah. Yeah, me too."
Josh pulled Sam's head down and kissed him thoroughly. "Okay, then."
"Okay then," Sam repeated. "Just one more thing. I mean, it wasn't a thing until we actually decided, you know…"
"What is it?" Josh had a slightly bemused look on his face.
"It's kind of that other thing I was scared about."
"The 'it's been a while' thing?" Josh clarified.
"Yeah. Um… what if we… do this and I'm… really bad at it?" Sam was muttering into Josh's shirt making damn sure they couldn't make eye contact.
"You're seriously worried about this?" Josh asked, trying to keep the incredulity out of his voice.
"Yes, Josh, I am! We both know that I'm not known for my grace and skill with things I do every day, like walking across the floor. What if I … what if… We're putting an awful lot at risk here. What if I - "
Josh made sure his smile was soft, understanding when lifted Sam's head to look at him. "I'm not worried."
"But -"
"I'm not worried about that," Josh cut him off. "I'm not saying that everything will go perfectly the first time out," he stopped and raised an eyebrow at his double entendre, "so to speak," he continued, "but we've been through hell together, Sam. You nursed me through a mental breakdown. I think I can take a misplaced knee or something."
Sam hid his face again.
"Seriously, I'm really not worried about that. We'll get through any kind of awkwardness. We love each other too much not to find a way for it to work. Trust me on that one, okay?"
Sam nodded, "Okay."
With the decisions made, there was a long comfortable silence. They snuggled in close and let their fingers trail over each other's arms, chests and backs.
After a while Sam finally pulled back. "Josh?"
"Hm?" Josh leaned in and kissed him playfully.
"How badly will you hate me if I ask us to… stick a pin in this for the night. It's like six-thirty in the morning and I haven't slept in like… a month. I don't think, I mean, honestly, I don't think I could right now."
"I don't hate you. Hell, I've been trying to figure out how to say basically the same thing for the past few minutes. We're both exhausted. I want to. And if we'd gotten here even a few hours ago I would have taken your last statement as a challenge, but right now… Right now I live in fear of the fact that Leo will probably be in the office any minute now and any minute after that he could be calling us and literally asking us to deal with a national emergency."
"So we should sleep while we can, right?" Sam agreed.
"Yeah, I guess so."
"Kiss me good night?"
"Oh yeah."