" I Give You Racism"
The family is sitting on the couch except for Chris. As the family is watching TV Chris comes walking into the family room, his face pale blue and sweating.
Chris: I don't feel so good.
Lois: well what could be wrong honey?
Peter: I'll tell you what it is…it's that damn jungle fever!
Theme Song
At Quahog's hospital, Chris is laying down on the bed and Lois is trying to make him feel better.
Lois: now don't you worry, it's probably nothing at all, just some flu or something like that.
Peter: oh yeah…that's exactly what Lance Armstrong's mother said.
Flashback
Lance's Mom: oh I'm sure it's nothing, just a little bug.
Doctor comes into the room with a sad look on his face.
Doctor: well I've got some good news.
Lance: what is it doctor. I'm going to be okay.
Doctor: No, the good news is that it isn't a bug.
Lance: oh that's great news.
Doctor: you didn't let me finish. The bad news is that you have what we call "testicular cancer"….and it has spread to your lungs.
End Flashback
Chris's doctor comes into the room and sits along side the bed.
Lois: is everything okay?
Doctor 2: it seems you have some sort of flu like sickness.
Lois: but he's going to be okay, right?
Doctor 2: this is the part of my job I hate. I'm afraid you're going to die Chris…
Chris: oh no!
Doctor 2: of old age in 75 to 80 years….hahah. Just lay down when you go home and take it easy. As for payment that's going to cost you guys two hundred dollars.
Lois: wow, all that money just to tell us that.
Doctor: well that was covered by insureance but now we're going to have to re-supply our cotton balls.
Peter is on the other side of the room eating the cotton balls.
Peter: what, this isn't cotton candy? Oh come on!
Later that night Peter and Lois are lying in bed with the lights off. Lois turns the lights on and stares at the ceiling for a moment.
Lois: after what happened today it just shows you how fast you can get sick and even how fast you could die. I wish there was something somebody could do to cure all sickness and death.
Peter: yeah I know what you mean. but it's harder to do then just to say. Remember that time I tried to save you from dieing…a long long time ago.
Flashback
Darth Sidious: come to the dark side and you will have such great power that you could even prevent death.
Peter: wait a minute. Am I going to have to buy something for the low-low price of 19.99 plus shipping, then subscribe to some kind of magazine just to get some crappy "Dark Side" do-it-yourself kit in the mail.
Darth Sidious: no, just pledge yourself to the order.
Peter: pledge..? Not that crap, I hate it when some washed up actor makes me pledge my own money to PBS just so I can finish watching "the Antique Road Show".
End Flashback
Lois: Peter I mean it I wish there was something that we could do.
Peter: leave it up to me, tomorrow I'll find a way.
Lois turns the lights back off and closes her eyes. Peter shakes Lois.
Lois: what! Peter.
Peter: don't set the alarm, tomorrow's Saturday and plan to sleep in.
Lois: but what about finding a way?
Peter: oh you really ment that. What ever you say. Now Shut! Up I'm trying to sleep.
The next day Peter is standing in the kitchen with a bunch of supplies laying all over the table. Brain walks into the room.
Brain: what the hell are you doing?
Peter: I'm going to find a way to keep the kids from dieing or being sick.
Brain: you can't even tie your own shoe, and I'm pretty sure that table saw isn't going to have anything good come out of it.
Peter: well I have an idea and….yes…yes, it should work exactly the way I have predicted it to work.
Five minutes later Peter runs through the living room on fire from head to toe.
Brain: so I guess it went all according to plan then?
Peter: just some details I have to go back over but yes. Now point me to the bathroom gentlemen.
A group of business men having some drinks point to the bathroom.
A bit later Peter runs into the family room to tell everyone that he has figure out how to protect the kids. Everyone walks into the kitchen to see nothing but a black guy sitting at the table.
Brian: you built a black man? That's got racism written all over it.
Peter looks at the black man and takes an eraser and erases the word racism that he had written on his forehead to remember what he had named him.
Peter: yes I did. Why you may ask? Because black guys aren't scared of anybody, they carry weapons in there "baggy jeans" and they talk that street lingo that all the kids and doing now a days. See look. Speak Racism.
Racism: yo!
Peter: go ahead ask him a question.
Lois: will you look after our children and take care of them when we're not home.
Racism: hell no? my own kids I don't take care of. That's if I had kids.
Stewie: well smart man, I think you've out done yourself this time. And I never thought you'd top that last thing you did.
Flashback
1980 Winter Olympics is on TV, and it's hockey, team USA vs. the Soviet Union. Just as the third period is about to start the channel goes black for a second or two and comes back on but when it comes back on it's not of the hockey game but of Peter sitting in a big red chair with just a silky night rob on holding a book.
Peter: welcome to Peter Griffin's reading along with Peter Griffin. Today we will be reading the first four sets of "Encyclopedias"
End Flashback
Peter: this is going to be like Midget porn. Nobody thinks it's sane until they see it and then they pay 29.89 for a two month subscription.
Lois: I think the family agrees when I say, WE WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS.
Stewie: I think it's the best idea I've heard in a while to be honest. This is the type of thing that gets people killed. Like Mom's! I will help in anyway I can, I belong to you sir!
Quagmire: Did somebody say MIDGET PORN? OH YEA!
To be Continued…