Chapter Four

Cleon was wandering the palace, unsure of where Kel had been taken. He opened a random door, poked his head in, and screamed. "THERE'S A DEAD BODY IN THERE! AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!"

Raoul, who had popped out of nowhere, took a look inside the room. "Oh that's just the body of Francis of Nond. He was an unimportant page years ago and we dumped his body in here because he was too unimportant to have a funeral."

"Oh," said Cleon oafishly. Raoul then tried walking on his hands, fell over, and rolled down five hundred flights of stairs.

Cleon continued his wanderings. He ended up in a bathroom that hadn't been cleaned in four hundred years, found a room filled with buckets of purple cheese, and walked in on Wyldon and Sir Myles kissing. And meanwhile Raoul was still rolling down those five hundred flights of stairs.

"I think I'll go to the healing wing," said Cleon.

"Why didn't you go there in the first place, you oaf!" said a disembodied voice.

Cleon ignored the voice and opened a random door located in the healing wing. He found several healing mages beating a random person on the head with hammers. "Uh... hi?" said Cleon.

Startled, the healing mages hid their hammers behind their backs. "Um... we were just healing a patient!" they said.

"I'm here to see Kel," said Cleon.

"Okay," said one of the healing mages. "Right this way." He showed Cleon to a door.

"Thanks," said Cleon oafishly.

"You're welcome. Now gimme fifty gold nobles!"

"But-" said Cleon. The healing mage hit him with a pillow made of bricks. "GIVE ME THE MONEY NOW, OAF!"

"Fine," said Cleon, throwing the money at him. "Why do I have to pay you anyway?"

"Oh, no particular reason!" said the healing mage. "It's all just a part of celebrating National Cleon Abuse Day!" and he skipped off.

As Raoul was rolling down the two hundred and eleventh flight of stairs, Cleon opened the door that he been shown to, and went inside. Kel sat in a chair wearing a straight jacket.

"Good day, my lovely dewdrop," said Cleon, making Kel scowl at him. "Happy Birthday!"

Kel let out an earsplitting roar and ripped her straight jacket to pieces. "IT'S... NOT... MY... BIRTHDAY!" and she beat the stuffing out of Cleon and threw him down five hundred flights of stairs.

Cleon was falling down the stairs when he soon met up with Raoul, as falling is faster than rolling. "Raoul, what are you doing here?"

"I don't know!" said Raoul. "But I like barbequed socks!" Cleon and Raoul at last came to the five hundredth flight of stairs. They fell to the ground in a tangled heap.

"Eeeehhhhhhh..." gasped Raoul. "Can't... breathe. Too much... oafish weight..." Cleon had landed on top of Raoul, and was crushing the life out of him.

"Oops," said Cleon in an oafish way. He got off of Raoul. "I can breathe again!" screamed Raoul. He then ran off to do things that people named Raoul do.

"Where did my flower get off to?" Cleon wondered.

"I don't know," said a random monster with 85,654,201,789,005,364,637,290,000,000,000 heads.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" screamed Cleon. He forced his incredibly oafish body to move, and ran away from the monster with 85,654,201,789,005,364,637,290,000,000,000 heads.

The monster with 85,654,201,789,005,364,637,290,000,000,000 heads began to cry with extreme sadness. "I just wanted to ask him where the laundry detergent is!"

Cleon ran until he became short of breath and had to stop.

"You need to exercise more, you oaf!" screeched Alanna, waving her spoon of death at him.

"Um, people?" said Cleon, ignoring Alanna. "I'm beginning to think that maybe it really isn't Kel's birthday."

Everyone laughed at Cleon. "Of course it's Kel's birthday, you idiot! If it wasn't her birthday today, she would have told us so!"

"Is it just me, or does logic seem to have no meaning or place here?" wondered Cleon.

Suddenly Owen ran by in a leotard covered in fish scales and screamed, "THE LAUNDRY DETERGENT IS UNDER NEAL'S BED!"

"It is!" said the monster 85,654,201,789,005,364,637,290,000,000,000 heads.

Neal was sitting on the floor of his room playing with his favorite doll. Suddenly, the monster with 85,654,201,789,005,364,637,290,000,000,000 heads burst in.

"Aaaagghhh!" shrieked Neal.

The monster with 85,654,201,789,005,364,637,290,000,000,000 heads grabbed Neal's bed and flung it out the window. "Aha! There's the laundry detergent!" he grabbed it and ran off.

"Wow," said Neal, "That was weird. And now I'll have to sleep in the bathtub." He shrugged and ate the hair off his favorite doll's head. It tasted like buttered popcorn. "Yum."

Cleon had decided to paint his shoes with purple lip gloss. "Where can I find some purple lip gloss?" he wondered.

"You can get some out of the Magical Vending Machine of Stuff!" said Owen. He put a coin in the vending machine and an empty candy wrapper came out. "Jolly!" said Owen, hugging the candy wrapper affectionately.

"Hey, I want to try it!" said Alanna. She put a coin in the vending machine and a sticker saying "Alanna Is A Man" popped out. "WHAT!" She kicked the vending machine and ran off to dunk her head in a bowl of clam chowder.

Cleon was about to use the vending machine when Jon, who was a wearing a skirt made from his own hair, beat him to it. "MAKE WAY FOR ROYALTY!" he screamed. He put a coin in the machine and a neon orange eggplant came out. "Lorenzo!" he cried, hugging the eggplant. "I thought you died a long time ago!"

"Jon, you're an idiot," said Alanna, who now had clam chowder clinging to her hair.

Cleon went over to the vending machine, put a coin in the slot, and... Kel came out of the machine! "Pearl of my heart! Whatever were you doing in there!"

"I was using this vending machine as my evil secret lair," Kel replied. "But now that you've disturbed me I can no longer eat graphite in peace!" She began to cry hysterically.

"Why would you eat graphite?" Cleon wondered.

"Because lead is poisonous! And eggplants are allergic to it!"

"NOOOOOOOO!" screamed Jon. "Lorenzo's allergic to lead! Quick, destroy all the lead!"

"No way!" said Numair. "Lead is what I've been using to slowly but steadily poison Varice! Oops. You never heard that."

"Okay!" said Jon.

"Numair, you've been poisoning Varice!" shrieked Daine.

Numair looked guilty. "Um... sorry, Daine, um, I-"

"I LOVE YOU!" cried Daine, hugging Numair in a painfully tight hug. In fact, she was hugging Numair so tightly that three of his ribs turned to strawberry jello.

"Hey, I never got my purple lip gloss!" whined Cleon.

"Yes, and you never will!" said Kel. "I've destroyed the vending machine!" She pointed at the vending machine, which was now a twisted heap of metal engulfed by a fireball.

Suddenly Raoul came running in and screamed, "ORGANIC RADISHES ARE ATTACKING THE PALACE! AAAGGHH!"