Chapter Seven
"I have slain all that is grape-flavored and evil!" cried Kel victoriously, as she destroyed the very last grape flavored lollipop.
"Aww!" whined Jon. "But I love grape stuff!" Kel then beat the stuffing out of Jon, Yamani style.
"Go Kel!" cried Cleon's ghost, cheering her on oafishly and deadly.
"Silence, you oaf!" said Kel. She grabbed her glaive and tried to stab Cleon with it. However, the glaive went right through him. "You're forgetting that I'm a ghost," Cleon informed her. Kel then threw a major tantrum and hurled Jon until he went flying right into Raoul!
"HOW DARE YOU, YOUNG LADY!" shrieked Raoul in an incredibly high voice.
"Raoul?" asked Kel. "How come your voice goes really high and feminine whenever you scream?"
"THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" screeched Raoul. "I now have to go polish my Stormwing feather collection!"
"Where the heck did you get a Stormwing feather collection?" wondered Alanna.
"I stole the feathers from that weird person over there." He pointed at Nawat, who was crouched underneath a table.
"Caw! Um, I mean, hello everyone!" said Nawat, smiling cutely.
"AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!" screamed Jon. "IT'S THE EVIL CROW MAN!" he ran around screaming, hugging Ernest the toothpick, Lorenzo the eggplant, and Simon the broccoli stem protectively.
"He's not evil!" screamed Aly, who happened to be in Tortall for some reason, screaming so loud that Cleon's ghost was startled out of his wits. (not that he had any wits to begin with)
"ALY!" shrieked Alanna angrily, waving her spoon of death. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE!" She picked up a small table and hurled it at Aly. The table missed Aly, went right through Cleon, and hit Jon square in the face. "Ow!" moaned Jon.
"You know what really bites?" said George. "Now that Cleon's dead, he can't be hurt anymore!" he burst into tears.
"Are tears a form of mating?" wondered Nawat. He smiled cutely again and ate a cricket that he found on the ground.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Prince Roald. "HE ATE SHINKO THE HALF-DEAD CRICKET!"
"BUT THAT'S MY WIFE!" cried George.
"WHAT!" shrieked Aly. "You mean, she's not my mother!" she pointed at Alanna.
"I think this is turning into a soap opera," commented Neal.
Alanna then burst out laughing. "I LIED WHEN I SAID SHINKO WAS YOUR WIFE, GEORGE!" she laughed so hard she fell over, knocking into Jon.
George cried. "HOW COULD YOU LIE TO ME!"
"Why is everybody talking in all capital letters!" wondered Nawat.
"I LIED TO YOU BECAUSE YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT YOU AND THE LORD PROVOST HAVING AN AFFAIR!" Alanna screamed.
"Yep, this is definitely a soap opera," said Neal.
"Soap is yummy," said Nawat.
George gasped. So did the Lord Provost. "Eew!" said George. "Why would I do that!"
"I dunno!" said Alanna.
"Um... guys?" said Cleon's ghost.
"WHAT!" demanded Kel angrily.
"Um... I kind of accidentally opened up a hole in the realms of the dead," Cleon muttered.
"YOU WHAT!" said everybody.
Cleon blushed, even though ghosts were incapable of blushing. "Uh, yeah, now a bunch of dead people have escaped from the realms of the dead and have come back."
"Mwahahahahaha!" cackled Roger.
"NOOOOOO!" screamed Alanna. "Now I have to kill you a third time!"
"Jon..." gasped the late King Roald. "...I am your father!"
"GASP!" gasped Jon. "ALL THIS TIME I NEVER KNEW!"
"THE COPPER ISLES SHALL BE MINE!" cackled Josiane. "Right after I marry Jonathan and give rabies to Alanna!"
"Nooo!" said Aly. "Another member of the royal house that has to be killed!"
Along with Roger, King Roald, and Josiane, there was also Alex, Liam, Joren, Queen Lianne, Ralon, and Ozorne returned from the dead.
"This is not jolly at all," commented Owen.
"ALANNA, MY LOVE!" cried Liam, throwing himself onto Alanna.
"GET OFF OF MY WIFE!" screamed George angrily. He started chick-slapping Liam.
"Hey Aly!" said Alanna. "This is your uncle Liam, your uncle Alex, your cousin Joren, your aunt Lianne, your uncle Roald, your uncle Ralon, your uncle Ozorne, your aunt Josiane, and your godsfather Roger!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Aly. "BUT I ALREADY HAVE ABOUT FIFTY THOUSAND ADOPTIVE AUNTS AND UNCLES AND ETC.!"
Roger cackled evilly. "I shall now develop an evil plan that involves toothpicks, really smart people, and a random woman who can entice Jon!"
"Oh no!" shrieked Alanna. "WHAT DO WE DO!"
"Let's sit around and do nothing!" Gary suggested.
"Sounds like a plan!" Alanna greed.
Roger picked up some toothpicks and threw them at Cleon's ghost. "Eep!" Cleon's ghost floated outside and cowered in utmost fear.
"What was the point of that, Roger!" Alex asked.
"I dunno," shrugged Roger. "I just felt like torturing Cleon!"
"Cleon Torture!" boomed a disembodied announcer's voice. "The favorite past-time of Tortall! Get involved and torture your local Cleon today!"
Roger then brought in the smartest people in the whole entire universe that know absolutely everything. "Okay, all-knowing people!" said Roger. "Tell us what you know!"
"Queen Thayet is the most hideous woman alive!" chorused the really smart people. "And if she were dead, then she would be the most hideous woman dead!" They then disappeared because they were allergic to Tortall.
"WHAT!" shrieked Thayet. "I'm not fit to be queen!" She ripped off her shiny crown and threw herself out the window.
"Now for the last part of my evil plan!" said Roger.
"What's the last part of your evil plan?" Alex asked.
"SILENCE, MY FAITHFUL SLAVE!"
A Random-Woman-Who-Can-Entice-Jonthen walked in, spotted Jon, and screamed, "IDIOTIC KINGS ARE TOTALLY SEXY!"
"Really!" said Jon stupidly.
"Marry me, Jonathan!" squealed Random-Woman-Who-Can-Entice-Jon.
"Okay!"
"Yippee!" She dragged Jon away.
"Oh dear!" said Roger, pretending to be dismayed. "Both the king and queen are no longer the king and queen! I wonder what that means...?"
"IT MEANS THAT WE SHALL PUT A HALF-RAKA QUEEN ON THE THRONE!" screamed various people of the Copper Isles.
Suddenly, Sarai came flying in through one of the windows and landed on the floor. "What the heck am I doing here?" she said. Suddenly, she laid eyes on Joren. "MARRY ME, YOU EVIL THING!" she shrieked.
"Uh... okay?" mumbled Joren. Sarai then ran off with Joren, leaving Tortall still without a monarch.
Cleon floated back into the castle. "Hey, since all of these dead people are alive, then can't I be alive too?"
"Sure!" said Numair. "So we can all abuse you!" He shot out some black light and Cleon was flesh and blood once more. Kel picked up her glaive and whacked Cleon on top of the head with it. "Take that, you oaf!"
"Um... is violence a form of mating?" asked Nawat. He grabbed a spoon, prepared to whack Aly with it.
"No!" said Aly hastily. "It's not a form of mating!"
"HEY, THAT'S MY SPOON OF DEATH!" Alanna screamed. She snatched the spoon away from Nawat and waved it at him. Nawat just sat there and smiled cutely at her.
"Hey, you guys!" whined Roger. "Pay attention to me!" Everybody ignored Roger.
"Well now the throne is available for me to take!" said Roger. He kicked Cleon in the buttocks and sat on the throne. "BOW DOWN TO MEEEEEEEEE!"
"Ooh, can I be your queen?" asked Ralon.
"Eew, no!" said Roger. "Go away, you're ugly!"
Alex stabbed Ralon. "I wanna be queen!"
Ralon stabbed Alex back. "No, me!"
"ME!" Alex stabbed Ralon.
"ME!" Ralon stabbed Alex.
"ME!" Alex aimed a stab at Ralon, missed, and stabbed Cleon instead.
"Quit fighting, you idiots!" said the Black god, who had appeared in a giant cloud. He grabbed Ralon and Alex and took them away.
"I'M KING AND EVERYBODY MUST OBEY ME!" Roger screamed at the top of his lungs. He screamed so loud that his lungs blew up and he became Stormwing food.
"Um... hurray!" everyone screamed.