Of Life and death
Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians. Nor do I own the poem or words of Pastor Martin Niemoller - They came for the..
Chapter Three:
Rama woke stifling a scream from a nightmare, she shuddered violently as she looked around her bedroom, her sais rested on the nightstand by her bed, and her katanas were within easy reach on the other side of the nightstand. She swallowed as she stared at the sheathed swords.
In her dream she had seen, in slow motion, the deaths she had caused with this weapon, she had seen the blood dripping from the swords, heard the sword as it plunged in or sliced at her opponents.
Rama whimpered slightly looking at her weapons as if she had never seen them before, she knew her dream was real; she had actually done those things, but how? She wasn't like that. She didn't want to kill.
Yes, she was fully aware that ninja were assassins but she had always assumed that was part of ancient history; that ninja didn't do that any more, or at least her clan didn't. Her clan placed life ahead of killing; she knew that, so how could things have gone wrong?
She had earned the right to patrol only by proving to her clan that other's deserved to live. She recalled saving the young boy's life and how she had hid what she had done from her family at all cost, afraid that they would be angry with her for revealing herself to an outsider. However she cold not allow Nate to be killed by a speeding truck either. When her family finally learned her secret, Rama had learned how much importance was placed on saving and protecting lives. It had made the broken leg and concussion she had suffered almost worthwhile.
Now though it seemed as if her clan was telling her killing was all right, and that was rather hypocritical not to mention conflicting.
Rama felt bile rise in her throat and she sprang from the bed to head to the closest washroom, hoping no one else would be in there, because she doubted her ability to get to the next bathroom.
After emptying the contents of her stomach into the toilet she made a face, flushed and stood on shaky legs turning to the sink she washed her hands and face in cold water, and then rinsed her mouth out with a glass of water.
She shook and bit her bottom lip she had so many questions swimming around in her mind, and while she recalled her Sensei instructing her about the Shaolin monks of China and how they decided upon how far to go in any conflict, she had to wonder if her training had been all for naught.
I mean they were supposed to be the good guys right? Killing was wrong and it didn't suit the hero status that she had perceived her family as having. It was hard to feel proud of something when inside you knew it was wrong.
Not that allowing her Uncle to die would have been right either, but if she had perhaps blocked the blow instead of killing that soldier then maybe… it was something to consider. Yet her Sensei had approved her tactics and that made her wonder about what he was really training her for?
She returned to her bedroom and started to suit up and prepare for the day, but when it came time to strap on her swords she found she couldn't do it. Instead she only looked at them, as if they had turned into something vile and dangerous. She shook her head, and left the bedroom without even touching her katanas.
Rama decided to keep herself busy in hopes of purging these disturbing images from her mind, so she figured on heading to the kitchen and perhaps starting breakfast for the younger members of the clan, as the older members opted to eat after the morning work out.
She moved passed the other bedrooms and towards the living room, where she saw her dad sitting on the couch, sipping coffee and watching a show on TV, with the sound turned down, he looked up at her.
" Rama what's up girl?" Mike asked cautiously, he was all ready fully aware of what was going on, he sensed his daughter's confusion and turmoil, plus Leo had warned him of Ramiela's accomplishment.
Mike found it rather odd that Leo would consider killing an accomplishment, but then Splinter had been no different with them. Mike also noted the absence of her katanas.
Rama glanced away unwilling to meet her dad's eyes, " Too much" she mumbled, " I don't want to talk about it."
" Ramiela come sit!" Mike kept his voice gentle and yet firm enough to let her know that this was not an option for her, " You can't run from what happened girl. You just have to face it now."
Rama raised her head, " Sensei told you?" She asked softly.
" Of course he did Rama."
" Don't tell me your happy about it" the girl sneered, " that this is going be a part of my life. Cause I don't want to hear it."
Mike stood up and walked over to Rama, he cupped her face in his hands and raised her head to look into her face, " It won't make you forget and it won't make things any easier. No, I'm not really happy about it because, it is a terrible thing, but Rama sometimes we must walk into darkness before we see the light" Mike did his best to keep his tone gentle, " I don't want to see you killing or putting your life in danger, I wish it didn't have to be that way Rama but our lives don't exactly allow us to live the way other people can."
" I don't want to kill dad, its wrong. I am not an assassin all right?" Rama snapped trying to pull away from Mike.
Mike gripped her firmly not letting her break free, " Ramiela, ninja might be hired to cause death to certain people, but we don't do that." Mike insisted.
" Don't lie to me. As long as we kill it is the same thing" Rama disputed sharply.
" No it isn't Rama, we kill only when necessary, when we are left with no other choice. Assassinations are different. When I made my first kill I was very upset by it, just as you are now, and Splinter he read to me something from a very old tattered book," Mike spoke softly in a fond reminiscent way, " It was one of the many books Splinter had found while scavenging and Splinter enjoyed reading many things, but he said there was some things in that book hat he particularly liked."
" What does this have to do with anything?" Rama grumped sourly.
" Splinter read to me a bit out of that book, I remember it even now. It said to everything there is a season, a time to be born and a time to die, a time to pick up stones and a time to cast stones aside," Mike continued to explain, " a time for war and a time for peace" He paused, " We are at war with the Foot Rama, they look at us and see us as freaks so for them it is an easy kill, but we see them as people and it isn't easy to kill. We still have to do it though because when you are at war it is kill or be killed."
" Well maybe I don't want to be a part of this war. It has nothing to do with me, I didn't start it." Rama fumed as she ducked and pulled away from Mike.
Mike moved fast to block her off from her sudden retreat, " You are a part of it whether you like it or not. I couldn't keep you out of it" Mike's voice was full of regret and longing. " Rama because you were born into our clan, you are one of their enemies and you became a part of the war." Mike shook his head bowing it, " We thought it was over, we had thought that we had won, instead we ended up just losing, because what we thought was victory was only a riptide pulling us under into bitter revenge." He spoke with deep regret, " The Foot came back, and they are, if anything, more intent then ever on finishing us off. I don't know how long the war is going to last, or if we can even escape it, New York is our home and it would be dangerous to leave here, besides the Foot may track us down and catch us unaware."
Rama sniffed, "So now what?" she muttered, " I have to fight or kill whether I want to or not?"
" Ramiela" Mike began softly.
" No! We have a choice and we don't have to kill…" Rama declared.
" Child it is time, I think, for us to discuss some important matters" came a soft soothing voice that could only belong to the Master of the clan. " You are confused and uncertain, which means you require guidance and if you trust me, you will allow me to help you now."
Rama glanced up and over to see Splinter standing on the other side of the room, the rat's gaze was gentle and questioning, he waited patiently, leaning on his stick, and his tail moving ever so slightly from side to side for Rama to make her decision. He knew that it was up to her, to accept help or reject it. However by him coming to her now the odds were more on their side.
Rama cared strongly for Splinter, and of course she respected him fully, she knew the Master was wise and gentle but age was starting to slow him down, but in spite of arthritis and other common problems of aging taking their toll, the Master often spent time instructing her in some of her lessons. For some reason she seemed to gain more from Splinter's lessons then those Sensei gave. She also knew one did not say no to the Master lightly, it was even harder to deny him especially when he put things like that.
Finally Rama nodded " I'll listen to you Master." She admitted.
Splinter smiled, " Ah, but will you also voice questions Ramiela, will you be unafraid to speak your mind?"
Rama shrugged, uneasily, voicing her doubts about her training to her father was one thing, speaking these same doubts to the Master and her Sensei another thing again.
Splinter nodded his head, as if he knew her thoughts " To fully help you reach understanding you must clear the doubts in your mind and heart," the Master suggested.
Rama considered this " I'll try."
Splinter gave a slow shake of his head " Trying is not enough, trying sets you up for failure child."
Rama glanced up at Mike, her dad very much wanted to nudge her towards the ninja Master, but he also knew Rama had to do it on her own, so hard as it was for him he remained impassive to her silent plea.
Rama walked towards Splinter and bowed before him, " I'll do my best" she amended.
" If you truly do your best then, that is all I ask." Splinter replied returning her bow.
Rama willing followed the Master, but not without a few glances towards Mike as if silently asking for his protection, or some thing.
Splinter lead her to the meditation room, Leo was all ready there pouring cups of tea from the teapot, the smell of incense and burning candles filled the room, it was a familiar scent in the meditation room for those smells would linger long after anything was left burning.
Well padded mats covered the floor, a small coffee table was set on the right side of the room, near the lone chair, and a lamp, the end wall was full of shelves for their many books on fighting, meditating and enlightenment itself. Donatello had fixed up a small music system into the room, but Splinter would only allow soft soothing, relaxing music to be played in the confines of this one room, no jarring loud, ear splitting noise to take away the peace and serenity.
Leo smiled at his student and handed her a cup of hot brew, Rama inhaled the fragrant scent of the liquid, before taking a cautionary sip from the cup, quickly identifying other herbs that had been used in the making of this tea.
" Ramiela we know you have questions and it is also quite normal to have doubts about us or what we are doing, after getting what might seem to be mixed messages." Leo began calmly.
" That is an understatement," Rama mumbled, as she eased herself down onto the mats and rested her cup in front of her.
" There are many ways of killing or being killed child," Splinter informed her.
" What's the difference if you all" Rama interrupted quickly, and then if suddenly recalling who she was with made a small "oh" noise her eyes growing larger and her mouth opening into a circle, " never mind" she concluded.
Splinter smiled, " No finish what you were going to say" Splinter encouraged her as Leo helped the rat to ease down on the mats.
" Well I mean once some thing is dead, it can't come back, it can't be changed so all killing equals the same thing no matter how one died in that killing." Rama spoke hesitantly.
" You do have a strong point Ramiela" Leo confirmed, "Tell me Ramiela what is in and yo."
"It is the Japanese equivalent of yin and yang. All things are connected, even things that seem extreme opposites are really all the same, there is light and dark in all." Rama replied by rote.
" Very well then so killing by in and yo standards is really both bad and good depending on how it is used, and the consequences of the act itself." Leo concluded, " Look when you saved Nate's life you put his life ahead of yours, ahead of your own safety and well being. You thought we would punish you but we didn't"
" I remember Sensei, that's what makes this so hard to understand" Rama moaned she picked up her mug staring into the cup, for a moment all she could see was blood and she set the cup back down.
" Killing for the sake of killing, killing someone because they are evil, and you feel they deserve to die is wrong. Killing to save the life of another is not wrong. One must place their priorities" Leo insisted.
Rama scowled, " Then how does one decide or know, when do you end up crossing the line between one or another?"
Splinter nodded, " A good question. In war, one must decide what is right in their heart, if they believe in a cause they can move the world and change it for the better, or worse. History tells us this." Splinter raised his own cup and sipped.
"In war one must decide to kill or be killed by opponents, you are given the training but what you do with it is something else. Training with a group of others forms a bond of comradeship between one another, so that you are more likely to give your life to help another in your troop, but it isn't necessarily the way it works out." Leo insisted, " We have given you the training. You can choose to use it or neglect it, but the consequences of ignoring it means you could lose others you care for."
Splinter laid a hand on his son's arm, " Ramiela, you must ask yourself if what you are fighting for is right. To understand that you must see how the Foot are, at one time the Foot was once a proud organization, perhaps they still are in some places, however the Foot in Japan, and here in America, learned they could extort or make more money by doing illegal business." Splinter sighed reflectively, " The Foot turned to blackmail, drug and gun running, assassination and other less reputable crimes, they began to lose honour became more greedy longing for the material wealth of the world."
" The Foot have hurt many people Ramiela, they don't stop to consider what or where their actions are leading them, they instead follow blindly, or in fear, the orders they are given. They perhaps believe they are fighting for a good cause but they have stumbled so far into the mists they can not see where the path leads them," Leo stated.
" No one would do that." Ramiela declared, " We all think for ourselves or make our own decisions."
" Not always" Leo objected kindly, " Recall war world two."
" Hitler and the Nazis" Rama hissed softly, she had learned about that in school, had been thourghly disgusted to see the show Schindler's list and the concentration camps that had interned so many. Never mind the fate that waited so many that were sent to those fiendish places. She had nightmares after that.
Splinter bowed his head in silent homage, " Hitler helped his country get back on their feet after world war one, but he had outlined his plans in Mein Kampf for the Master race and all he intended to do, yet no one stopped him" Splinter gave a deep regretful sigh, " people continued to look the other way, when he rose to power and gained the loyalty of his Nazis. No one came to the aid of those locked away in the camps, or spoke out for fear of meeting the same fate."
" His greed for power and control ended up causing the war to begin" Rama interjected, " Because people couldn't continue to keep looking the other way."
Leo nodded sombrely, " Sometimes it takes great strength and courage to speak out and stand up for what you know is right. Do you recall Pastor Martin Niemoller's first they came?"
" Uncle Donatello said there are different versions of wording but they are attributed to him, First they came for the Jews and I didn't speak out because I was not a Jew. Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist. Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist. Then they came for me and there was no one left to speak for me."
" Very good Ramiela" Splinter approved, " Now Ramiela if you do not speak out or stand up to others then who will speak for you?" Splinter leaned forward, " If something had been done sooner to prevent it many deaths, and a great deal of suffering might have been prevented."
Leo nodded " When we must make the chose to kill Ramiela we need to base it upon how dangerous or how much of a threat this person would be if left alive." Leo explained patiently, " In a battle with odds against you it is okay to kill. For causing small injuries to your opponent might mean you will later succumb to those who seek to harm you. Killing in places where it is only you against one or two, is something that you must learn to use your judgement on," Leo took a drink from his quickly cooling tea, " Killing someone who has all ready proven themselves a threat to us and our existence is sometimes far better then leaving them behind to get you later. Recall the old fable about the deadly snake brought in from the cold, warmed up and bit his benefactor killing that person for their kindness."
Rama grinned slightly " A snake can't help its nature."
" You will learn when to kill and when to settle on lesser degrees." Leo declared.
Rama shook her head violently, " I don't want to kill." She protested.
" None of us want to kill" Leo amended, " Yet sometimes we have to kill because we have no other option. Killing isn't supposed to be easy. I hate guns for a reason you know." Leo insisted, " Guns make killing easy because they are quick and impersonal, you don't need a great deal of skill or training to use it, and so you end up having very little respect for it. You have even less respect for other's lives by using such a weapon."
Rama drained the last of her cup, she liked helping her family, she liked patrolling and stopping crimes but killing she didn't want anything to do with that.
" I don't know it is a lot to think about and I still am so unsure," Rama confessed.
" We realize that child, and we know you need time to consider and think things out but tell me this now, do you believe saving Raphael was wrong? Would you trade your Uncle's life for that of the soldier you killed?"
Rama didn't even hesitate, " No, I had to help Uncle Raphael." She blurted out.
" Even if it meant killing?" Leo added.
" I didn't know it meant that then, but I guess if it was the only real way, I suppose not" Rama hedged.
Splinter sighed as he sat back to consider, he glanced towards Leonardo allowing silent communication to pass between them before he turned back to the young Kunoichi. " You need to consider things now, for your self, to make your own choice."
" Ramiela until you decide if you can kill when you must, you will not be allowed on patrol." Leo stated.
Rama almost sprang to her feet " What! Why not?"
" Rama you will be fine on patrol as long as you don't run into the Foot soldiers, the Foot will want to kill you, not because they have to but because they can. If you are not willing to kill them when you have to, then you might falter and put yourself and others in danger" Leo explained cautiously, " I don't like pulling you from duty but, it is up to you on if you can do what needs to be done."
" What if I think I am ready but I'm not?" Rama asked.
" If you are ready you will be able to." Leo replied cryptically, " Also if you have any more problems or questions don't be afraid to come to either I, or Splinter."
Rama nodded, she felt she was being punished now but she knew Leo wouldn't go back on his decision.
Splinter smiled at her " You are not being punished child, it is for your safety and others that you remain until you can find the balance you so desperately need for this matter." He soothed.
" I understand Master," she agreed because she did sort of understand but she also knew she needed a great deal of time to consider the whole thing.
TBC
Lunar Ninja: Yes, Rama feels guilty and she does have a great deal to work out between her family and herself. A gratitude for your insight.
Reinbeauchaser: I think I changed that statement hopefully so it flows smoother now. This chapter I was focusing on other things then Mike's anguish. Was Rama ever innocent? That saying of the Shaolin Monks actually came from a TMNT compilation of short stories, called Shell Shock. The story that used that saying had Don helping out a young teen who was being bullied by others, his father didn't want him fighting, but Don tried to help the boy so he could defend himself. Ooooh, those dastardly plot bunnies! A gratitude for your insight.
Chibi Rose Angel: No struggling with titles is common for many authors. I personally don't know who will be more sensitive Rama or Mike. A gratitude for your insight.
Digimon Girl: Your reviews are always short sweet and to the point, I like to hear readers enjoy it and even a simple review helps me to know what is being enjoyed or not. A gratitude for your insight.