Of Life and Death
Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.
Chapter Four :
Mike sighed giving his head a shake as he watched Rama follow Splinter, he knew that she would be pulled from duty and he knew how that would only confuse her more. A part of him was elated to know that for a time, he wouldn't have to worry about the danger she might have to face when on patrol, but he also knew that the sooner she could get back out there the better for her.
For Rama's sake he hoped she could come to grips with things quickly, for the longer she went letting the death weigh on her and refusing to kill, the harder it would be for her to get back out on active duty.
" Crazy ninja life" Mike muttered under his breath.
He hated the thought of Rama killing, even if they were at war, she was still only a child, just on the cusps of that most difficult and troubling age, the dreaded teenage years. She was by no means a mature adult, who could make such distinctions or actions with a better comprehension of what she was doing and why.
Mike was aware that Ramiela was far more mature for her age, then many of her peers who were human, the difference in lifestyle and education between humans and mutant turtle child, gave Rama an edge, but in many ways, more emotionally, she was still very much a twelve year old.
Most girls Rama's age might be concerned over what clothes to wear, what boy was cute or that sort of thing, Rama had to face serious decisions and their consequences of her choice.
Mike, himself was conflicted, over this ninja right of passage. He didn't want his daughter killing or having to kill, not at this age or any age. But he also knew it was something that had to come. It was inevitable, it was in her blood, it was in her heritage, it was part of who she was.
The father in him though, wanted to gather her into his arms, shield her from this terrible truth and protect her from harm, offer her comfort and reassurance. The ninja part of him didn't agree with the over protective father, it almost never did.
Mike knew in this instance as in others the ninja would win out. There just wasn't any other way simply because of their life style and the best way to protect Rama from being hurt was by letting her be ninja, because he wasn't always going be where he could protect her, or look out for her. So it was up to her to care for herself. He would much rather see Rama prepared and ready then suffer.
Such knowledge and understanding didn't make things easier on Mike, because the conflict always came, Mike just had to let it go through its stages, much as Rama had to face the stages she was going through.
Mike headed to the kitchen to start breakfast, hoping to get his mind off his doubt and uncertainties.
Rama came in while he was in the midst of scrambling eggs, she wrapped her arms around him from behind, and her mind still in turmoil she was seeking comfort and reassurance, in her childhood way by snuggling up close.
Mike turned and hugged her back; stroking her hair gently " We've all been there Rama. Though it isn't easy."
Rama sniffed a bit " Does it ever get easy?" she asked.
Mike released her turning back to the pan with the eggs in it, but he kept one arm around Rama, " Easy? Oooh, that is a difficult one Rama. Killing isn't always going effect you this way, so the emotional turmoil will be less, so that makes it easier to deal with" Mike explained, " killing in itself that isn't easy. We just do it because it has to be done, you grow more use to killing" Mike shrugged a bit, as he stirred the eggs.
" I don't want to kill, so now I'm being punished for it" Rama grouched miserably.
" None of us want to kill Rama" Mike insisted he looked at her, " You are not being punished."
" Seems that way to me" Rama snapped, as she pulled away a sulky look on her face.
Mike nodded " I know sort of like being grounded huh?" he said sympathetically, " You're suddenly not allowed to patrol, but it is for your safety and ours, that you can't patrol right now."
" Isn't there some other way dad?" Rama asked hopefully.
" Afraid not hon" Mike replied honestly, " Care to help me with breakfast?" he asked cheerfully, more in hopes of distracting here.
Rama grimaced and blanched slightly " Uh, I don't think so dad. Not today at least" she mumbled backing up.
Mike arched an eye ridge, "I understand your stomach huh?"
Rama gave a slow nod of her head.
" Yeah I was the same way the first day. Looks like you inherited my constitution there girl."
" Gee, thanks! I really appreciate that dad" Rama remarked sarcastically, " I just love paying my dues to the porcelain god you know."
Mike tried not to smile at her bitter comment as Rama left the kitchen.
Rama leaned against the cool concrete pipe, and heaved a heavy sigh. Savings Nate's life had been easy, of course when she had decided to do the task, it hadn't been all that easy, and when she had been injured by the speeding truck, well that had only seemed to make matters worse, at least in her eyes.
She found her footsteps backtracking to pass the kitchen and go towards the area of the lair set aside for bedrooms; she needed to see Uncle Donatello. She was sure he would understand her need, her longings better then the rest of the family, though she was aware that her more intellectual Uncle didn't share a very close bond with her.
When she had been a young child Uncle Donatello had immersed himself in his gadgets, and inventions. He hardly left his room, and when he did it was just for short periods of time. Rama was not allowed in his laboratory area, in fact he locked her out of there on a continual basis, and she hated this, because she wanted to have fun!
Then as she got older he became her teacher, instructing her in mundane things she felt she would never use in her life. He was boring, and though she had tried to liven things up, he never quite managed to let loose and have fun. It wasn't that he wasn't capable of it, for he was; he often played when they went to the farm.
Now her Uncle Donatello spent most of his spare time between his wife and two children a girl named Abigail who was almost three and a boy named Colby who was a recent addition; the rest of his time he spent fixing, inventing and working on his endless gadgets.
In spite of the differences between them, Ramiela knew that Donatello was a pacifist at heart, and his weapon, the bo staff would not cause death easily, though she knew that it was possible for someone to kill with the staff, if they were skilled enough, and her uncle was far more then skilled in bojitsu.
Rama tapped lightly at his door, though somewhat hesitantly because she wasn't used to turning to him, of all people for help, she just felt that he might understand her better.
Don opened the door and smiled as he saw Ramiela, looking as if she wanted to be anywhere but where she was right now. He was aware of why she was there, the mental connection he had with the rest of his family had filled him in on recent events, he also could sense the conflict going on in Rama, and he knew without being told that she was looking more for someone who might agree with her, that killing was wrong and they shouldn't be doing it. Much as Don agreed with such a thing, internally that is, he knew he couldn't possibly allow Ramiela to believe that, he had to stand by the clan way.
Don had set up the bedroom area of the lair off into separate sections so that each family had a few rooms to themselves, so he had a section of pipe that had three rooms and a smaller sitting area, where either he or his wife Jennifer, could care for one of the children.
Don recognized the emotions that Ramiela was giving off and sympathised with her, recalling with ease his own, first kill and how hard it had been.
" Rough morning for you huh Ramiela?"
" Uncle Donatello I uh…" Rama ducked her head, " I don't. I mean I want" she sighed flustered, and suddenly unsure of how to voice these strange thoughts and feelings to the uncle she felt was more of a stranger then anything.
" It is all right Ramiela I understand," he assured her giving her shoulder a light squeeze. " Why don't we go to my lab and we can talk in private without being disturbed all right?" Don suggested keeping his voice low and calm.
Rama nodded giving him a grateful look as if he had spared her from something truly drastic.
He smiled gently, " Jen I am going head to the lab. I'll be back shortly."
Jen smirked, " Right once you get in there you, won't come out until lunch time." She guffawed.
Don gave a sheepish grin as he shut the door and guided Rama towards the lab, not that she needed his assistance but he kept one arm around her shoulder to help comfort and relax her.
He had been expecting her to show up.
Ramiela, Don knew, was very intelligent in her own way, however she just didn't want to apply herself most the time, her attention span was short, much like her father's and also, very much like Mike she was easily distracted. But every once in a while she would let a bright ray come shining through to verify that she did know far more then, he thought.
Therefore it seemed only natural for her to come to him for help in this instance. Raph was and always had been her favourite Uncle, the one she could talk to with ease, and relax with. But Raph was also the clan executioner, and while Rama had never seen him carry out a sentence, she was fully aware of what Raph had done for her where Shay had been concerned.
Rama knew that Raph had killed Shay to protect her; she also knew that he had killed before. In fact he killed in almost a cavalier way, except the clan knew that these deaths were no easier Raph then on the rest of them, it was just Raph hid it better and was willing to go the distance to insure the family was protected.
Right now Rama wanted to avoid killing, she didn't want to do it, and was disturbed by the fact of what killing really meant. It was one thing to say, " oh he killed…" It was another, to actually see killing, to feel the blood on you, to see the light in a person's eyes fade.
Nor could Rama find the answers she sought through Leo, Splinter or Mike, for to turn to them would be to lose face. She wanted to prove she was a ninja and be independent capable of handling her own problems, but she was curious and unsure enough that she sought help and assistance at the same time.
By process of elimination that left him, the only one in the family, who knew what it was like to be ninja, to have the answers, and the only member who really wasn't interested in all the fighting or killing.
True he had, had many differences and battles with his niece over the years but at this moment they were kindred souls.
Don got her sitting down and comfortable in his computer chair, while he grabbed a stool from under a counter to sit on, but before doing so he quickly drew out a couple of mugs from a cupboard, dropped a teabag in each and filled them with water from the lab sink before placing them in the microwave.
" Hardly a traditional way to make tea" Rama declared in a sour way.
" It is quicker though." Don replied kindly as he took the two steaming mugs from out of the microwave and went over to sit down he handed her one mug.
Rama inhaled a bit and gave him a weak smile, not quite sure where to begin or what to say, wishing silently that she knew him better because then this would be a lot easier.
Don pulled his stool a bit closer; he leaned forward and rested his hand on her knee. " What is the one thing you remember about the first kill?" he asked gently, giving her a compassionate look.
Rama inhaled sharply " The blood, the sight of it, the smell of it" she replied, she raised her head and gave a weak grin " I suddenly feel like Lady Macbeth, all that out damn spot bit" she joked lightly, then she gave her head a shake, " I don't think I can forget it, and I killed others after and that just added to it. Just so much blood" Rama's voice shook and she trembled slightly.
" I know" Don acknowledged, " it gets to the point where you can almost taste it in your mouth."
Rama nodded wide-eyed and she inhaled sharply.
" A lot of big battles can be like that," Don murmured sadly.
" Why does it have to be that way though?" Rama asked, " Why are we even at war?"
" It is about honour Ramiela, the ninja way. Our master, Homato Yoshi was killed by Shredder. We killed Shredder to restore our honour and now the Foot wish to destroy us so they can restore honour" Don explained, " Blood for blood and a life for a life. It all seems so pointless at times, a vicious circle that can't be broken."
" There has to be some way we can end this though," Rama hinted.
" Perhaps in the future a truce might be called, when enough blood has been shed on both sides, who knows. Personally I don't know if I would trust such a truce with the Foot, they may offer it only to kill us." Don replied.
Rama scowled, " But do we have to kill for honour?"
" Ramiela don't look at it as killing for honour, instead try to view it as saving a life. You kill to spare the life of a family member, to continue to survive, or to spare an innocent who might otherwise die if not for your intervention" Don suggested as he sipped his tea.
Rama blew on the hot liquid " Does that help you?"
" It helps to put things into perspective" Don corrected, " honour is intangible, you may feel it here" he tapped the part of her plastron that covered her heart, " You may justify your actions here" he tapped his finger on her forehead, " But in the end it is your family and friends who are there for you no matter what, and to lose one of them would hurt far more" Don stated as he sat back on his stool and sat his mug down on the counter, " You must find your own balance Ramiela. We have all killed and taken lives, all of us have regretted taking certain lives" Don assured her, "or asked ourselves if taking that life was truly necessary. In the end we all find our own balance and peace of mind as we come to terms with it." He arched his eye ridge " No katanas?"
" I cou…couldn't put them on" Rama stammered.
" The weapon is only a tool, it was you who used them for the means of killing" Don pointed out. He gave a reflective smile, " You know the bo staff wasn't my first choice of weapon."
Rama's face scrunched up as she heard this, she glanced at her Uncle to see if he was trying to be funny with her " It wasn't, what was your first choice then?"
Don laughed, " Bow and arrows and the short sword. I think it was because when I was younger I loved the story of Robin Hood, how Robin though he was a criminal was actually doing good and helping people out. I loved the part where the competition is set up, and Robin goes in disguise using his arrow to outshoot the best people there" Don explained, " My first kill was with an arrow shot from my bow. I didn't want to use that weapon or my sword after that, but Splinter insisted I had to carry the bow and arrow a few more times in battle before he would permit me to relinquish it."
Rama smiled as she nodded and took a long pull from her drink though it scalded her tongue and mouth, " Do you still feel like Robin Hood?" she asked innocently.
" Hey, I said I loved the story, I didn't say anything about wanting to emulate him" Don declared quickly.
Rama gave a coy smile as she arched her eye ridge upward " Yeah right!" She almost chortled the words.
"Impudent child!" Don gave her a mock glare.
" Well do you?" Rama persisted.
Don shook his head grumbling under his breath about how rude kids were getting to be before he replied " Yes I do, even more importantly I know I am doing what is right."
" How can you live with yourself though?" Rama inquired suddenly.
" I have learned to accept it. I have made peace with myself and accept that sometimes it is the only way. It doesn't mean that it is easy to do, but it doesn't trouble me either." Don reached out cupping Rama's face in his hands " Death is truly a part of life Ramiela."
" We're nothing more then assassins" Rama spat out vehemently.
"No!" Don barked sharply, " We are much more then that Ramiela, but you alone must come to accept that or all we will ever be is killers" Don insisted a bit more calmly.
Ramiela shrugged " I just have a lot of thinking to do" she confessed.
Don watched as she slipped from the chair and headed for the door, here stance one of defeat and weariness.
" Ramiela you are halfway there, for every ninja there are two difficult kills to make, the first kill because it is when you must take a life and decide whether you will continue to do so," Don said cautiously " the second most difficult kill is the one you make after you have decided to accept killing because the mind and the body may be in disagreement, you may hesitate and change your mind" Don sighed, bowing his head " You must accept that death, and be ready for it."
Don didn't add that the sooner she made that kill, the kill when mind and body were in acceptance of the act, the better it would be for her, this was something that she had to come to on her own.
The first kill the mind and body didn't always know or accept, but once the first kill was made, the subconscious could hold you back from killing again unless you determined that, you could and you would kill.
Rama bobbed her head up and down once in understanding and she sensed that her Uncle could tell her no more, not that she found his words all that helpful, but she had learned a few things at any rate.
" Thanks for your help Uncle Donatello, but I guess the next step is up to me."
"That it is Ramiela but we are ready to help you if you need it" Don hastened to remind her, " You are not alone in any of this."
" I know that, but some things one has to do on their own, and if I have to kill that is my choice, so it s up to me to find my own path" Rama spoke calmly but with deep sincerity, even though she felt that her path might not be the one the rest of her family walked.
Don gave a small smile he knew she was right, more importantly she was ninja, it was in her blood and soul, it was in the air she breathed in and in everything she saw. Being ninja she would have to find her balance her way and she was wise enough to know that.
TBC
Reinbeauchaser: True Leo had to do it and as you pointed out Rama has a good deal of thinking to do. First They Came, a wonderful poem that should never be forgotten, and I thought it worked well within the context of the chapter, for Leo and Splinter to try and convince Rama of their point of view. A gratitude for your insight.
Chibi Rose Angel: You are right family has to stick together and help one another. Luckily, the ninja in Rama's family know what she is going through as they have been there themselves. A gratitude for your insight.
Lenni: Hopefully none of us ever have to be placed in such a situation as to take another human's life. You sound very hyped about the BSB concert. Congrats and have fun. A gratitude for your insight.
Tbreader: I guess you won't be reading this for a while then. However I hope you enjoy your time and learn lots, take care of yourself. A gratitude for your insight.
Lunar Ninja: Chamber pots, outhouses, the great outdoor what ever happens to be close at hand at the time all works, personally I'm just glad for the indoor models. A gratitude for your insight.