Chapter Eight
"Um... Tortall is without a king!" cried Gary in a panicked voice. "Whatever shall we do?"
"Ooh, I know!" said Liam excitedly. "I can marry Alanna and we can be king and queen!"
"ALANNA'S ALREADY MARRIED TO ME!" screamed George. "Don't make me threaten you with magic!" Liam then started to whimper at the mention of the "m" word.
"Liam go away and find somebody else!" Alanna ordered.
"Um... okay," said Liam. He spotted Ozorne. "Hey sexy!" he said.
"I'm a Stormwing and I smell!" said Ozorne, causing Cleon to pass out from his odor. The Black god then came and took Ozorne and Liam away, because Ozorne smells and Liam is just incredibly annoying.
Suddenly, Jon burst into the palace. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHY DID HE HAVE TO COME BACK!" everyone screamed.
"I've come to reclaim my throne!" said Jon arrogantly.
"Jon, I thought you were married to Random-Woman-Who-Can-Entice-Jon!" said Raoul.
"I was!" said Jon. "But then she divorced me! And we weren't even married for an hour!" he sobbed and burst into tears.
"That's okay," said Queen Lianne. "Because now you can marry Josiane!"
Josiane grinned evilly. "Come here, Jonny!" She twirled her axe around dangerously.
"This isn't the average mating routine, is it?" Nawat asked.
Jon wet his pants. "Eep!"
Josiane hurled her axe, and Jon gave a girly scream and hid behind Cleon. The axe struck Cleon in the rear, but since his rear was ninety-percent gelatin, Cleon was unharmed.
"Stupid oaf!" hissed Josiane.
Aly then stole Alanna's spoon of death and cracked Josiane on the head with it. "Problem solved" Josiane's body was then eaten by starving peasants, and King Roald and Queen Lianne disappeared and went back to the realms of the dead.
"Was that the last of all the dead people?" Kel asked.
"Yep!" said Owen. "Which is extremely jolly!" He then did the Jolly Dance on top of a chair.
"ALY, HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY SPOON OF DEATH!" Alanna screamed.
"Uh oh!" said Aly. She quickly shoved the spoon into Cleon's hand. "Actually, I didn't take it! Cleon did!" Alanna grabbed her spoon of death and beat Cleon repeatedly with it. "NEVER TOUCH MY SPOON AGAIN!" she bellowed.
"Where's Thayet?" whined Jon whinily in a whiny way of whining whininess.
George shrugged. "I dunno."
"Well I guess Lorenzo the eggplant can be the new queen!" cried Jon, holding his eggplant into the air, looking oddly like that monkey in The Lion King holding Simba.
"WAIT!" screamed Thayet, who had burst into the palace wearing a dress made of squirrel fur. "I AM THE TRUE QUEEN! QUEEN OF THE SQUIRRELS!"
"Um, Thayet?" said Raoul. "It looks as if you killed the squirrels."
"NO I DIDN'T! CLEON MADE ME DO IT!"
"I did not!" argued Cleon.
"HE LIES!" shrieked Thayet, pointing a finger at Cleon. "THROW THE OAF IN THE DUNGEON!" Jon snapped his fingers, and a couple of thugs came and dragged Cleon away. Owen did the Jolly Dance in celebration, and Kel decided that she would buy a cake in honor of the wonderful occasion.
"Kel, don't you know that store bought cakes are pure evil!" shrieked Raoul in a voice higher than the shrill blast of a whistle.
"Well, I don't know how to cook!" whined Kel. She then walked out of the palace, dragging Neal with her.
"Why am I being dragged with you?" Neal complained.
"Because I'm too afraid to go outside alone!" cried Kel. "There might be grape-flavored lollipops lurking around!"
And so Kel and Neal walked down the dangerous streets of Corus, armed only with a fork and a piece of yarn.
"What's with the piece of yarn?" asked Kel.
"It's pretty!" said Neal, gazing at his yarn in adoration.
"Forks are better," said Kel, twirling her fork around.
Suddenly, somebody popped out and screamed, "EARS TASTE LIKE ASPARAGUS!" Kel screamed and pointed her fork in the air. Neal just stood there and stared at a shiny object he found on the ground. It was then that Kel realized that it was only George. "George, what are you doing here!"
"The goats are after me!" cried George. "I have to hide!"
"Don't worry George! My piece of yarn will protect you!" cried Neal. He threw his piece of yarn at George's face. George thanked him, placed the yarn on top of his head, and ran away to find some green eggs and ham.
Kel and Neal then walked on and went into the bakery. Onua was standing behind the counter, chewing on a plastic red and white straw. "Onua!" said Kel. "I didn't know you worked in a bakery!"
"I DON'T!" screamed Onua, going red in the face. "How dare you accuse me of such a preposterous thing!"
"Um, then what are you doing here?" asked Neal timidly.
"I live here!" said Onua. "Me and all the horses had to hide from the goats that are after us!"
"That's funny," said Kel. "George has goats after him too!"
"Well, you two are wasting my time!" snapped Onua. "NOW GET OUTTA HERE!"
"But we have to buy a cake!" pleaded Kel.
"Fine, fine, take this stupid cake that Peachblossom made!" said Onua impatiently, tossing something at them that smelled oddly like hay and pony droppings.
"What do I have to pay for this?" asked Kel.
"Hmm..." said Onua, "you can give me your souls in exchange! Mwahahahahaha!" Kel said nothing; she and Neal simply grabbed the cake and ran out of the bakery as fast as they could.
"THIEVES!" screamed Onua, making rude gestures at them with her hands. "YOU LOUSY THIEVES!" One of her veins then started throbbing uncontrollably and she had to take some special medication that she got at anger management class.
Kel and Neal managed to make it safely back to the palace. "WE'RE BAAAAAAAAAACK!" shouted Kel.
"Nooo!" squealed Raoul in a high voice. "The evil of store bought cakes shall corrupt me!" He hid underneath Myles. Myles hiccupped and slumped over on the ground.
"MYLES, WHY WON'T YOU STOP DRINKING!" screamed Alanna, hitting Myles's rump with her spoon of death.
"Can we eat cake now!" asked Neal, tugging on Kel's shirt sleeve like an annoying small child.
"Sure!"
"I GET THE FIRST PIECE BECAUSE I'M KING!" demanded Jon haughtily.
"Fine, you self-centered freak!" said Kel. She cut up a piece and tossed it at Jon. He took a bite, and suddenly yelled, "I'M DYIIIIIIIIIING!"
"What's wrong?" asked Kel.
Jon started choking and gagging. Everybody then pointed and laughed at their king. "It tastes like... hay!" wheezed Jon.
"Of course it tastes like hay!" said Kel. "Peachblossom made it!"
"Your horse made a cake!" yelled Alanna. "WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO!"
"Actually, that's fascinating!" cried Daine, who was perched on top of George's head. "I will now teach the horses human ways!"
"You can't do that!" argued Numair. "If you do, then the horses are going to take over the world! AAAGHH!" he hid under Myles. Except Raoul was already hiding under Myles and so two of them had a five-hour long fist-fight.
Kel then shoved the cake under Owen's favorite pillow so it could get squashed when Owen went to bed that night. Suddenly, Wyldon came running by and screamed, "CLEON HAS ESCAPED FROM THE DUNGEON!" Everyone then began panicking like a bunch of morons.
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