Of Life and Death
Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.
Chapter Five:
I am stuckBetween in and yo
Feeling I have no place to go
Where what is dark, is light
Where what is day, is night
Nothing I know now seems right.
The here the now
The future and the past
I must make a choice to last
But where do I turn
How can I get them to see
This is not what I'm meant to be.
It seems they lied
Sooner or later all must die
In this game of an eye for an eye
Honour then is for me to decide.
Different yet same
Bound together into one
In and yo
Now balance is won.
Ramiela stared at the words she had written on the blank page of her journal, the poetry laid bare her feelings for the moment but the last bit about balance had not been achieved as of yet.
The journal itself had been a gift from Master Splinter for her birthday, he had told her that she might want a private place to write her thoughts and dreams down, Ramiela had never seen the need to write such things down before, had accepted the gift graciously, now she understood what the Master had been implying.
Rama gave a rueful chuckle as she realized the Master of all the clan would know that recording such things might be the best gift he could give her, even if she hadn't known it then.
She turned back to her journal heaving a heavy sigh and chewed on her pen for a second before allowing it to touch the paper and begin it's soft scratching, the words flowing with ease.
I don't know what I am going to do. I know what is expected of me, but this is one time when I feel that I may have to let my family down. Killing just seems wrong to me, even if it is for the right cause. We aren't even suppose to steal food if we are hungry, but somehow killing ( a far worse crime if you ask me) is all right under the correct circumstances.
Somehow I am suppose to kill to save lives and it just doesn't make sense, I mean we all deserve to live, perhaps I could understand it better if I was ' in balance' whatever that means.
Personally at the moment, I think it means just being in tune with what they want and expect from me.
I know Master Splinter and Sensei would tell me that I could gain balance through meditation, but I am not much one for meditating, it seems so boring and pointless.
Do other kids have to make this sort of decision?
No! Because other kids don't have to be ninja. Other kids get to be kids. I envy that right now; I'd give anything to be a kid again.
Would my life be so different if I didn't kill, isn't it enough to want to cherish all life?
What if Uncle Raphael had died?
Now that is a disturbing thought. I don't know what I'd do with out Uncle Raphael around; he has always been my friend and been there for me. I know I can tell him absolutely anything and I wouldn't have to worry about it coming back to get me later. Uncle Raphael has always been there in so many ways that he is as constant and dependable as the changing of the seasons themselves, and just as mercurial too, when you get down to it.
Being without him is one thing I really don't want to think about, because I know losing him would be worse then killing.
I know to be ninja, means to put your life in danger, at least sometimes, to save the life of another person. I mean a ninja can easily die while trying to help someone else.
Funny, that is something that I've never really thought about. I don't think I've even considered or entertained such a thought until now.
Then again who thinks they are going die?
Even if in the back of your mind you know that all of us can die sooner or later, from one thing or another, you don't really expect it to happen to you. Not that you belief you are immortal, it just doesn't cross your mind, even if it happens that you do live totally on the edge doing wild and crazy things you don't stop to think 'this will kill me', if you stopped to think of it, you probably wouldn't do it.
I guess I never really considered it all that much because I felt that kids my age just couldn't die, I know I have heard instances of twelve or thirteen year olds dying but you tell yourself it was a fluke, a freak accident and something that just couldn't possibly happen to you.
No, children my age just shouldn't die.
People my age shouldn't be killing either.
A knock on the door caused Rama to sit up and close her journal tucking it under a pillow.
" Rama you are late for practice" Mike called from the other side of her door.
Rama rolled her eyes practice she was supposed to be at practice on top of all the problems and stuff she was going through? She glanced at her clock, seeing that yes she was a few minutes late, but considering the recent events she felt entitled to having the day off.
" I don't feel like it dad" Rama replied.
" Practice is not an option young lady, trust me you don't want Leo coming after you" Mike warned, " Don't forget you can only skip out on practice if you are on your death bed and Don is willing to verify it."
Rama felt something snap inside of her " I don't care dad! Why can't he just leave me alone!" She half yelled and half snapped in sudden anger.
Mike opened the door and saw Rama sitting on her bed fighting back tears.
" Ramiela honey" Mike strode over to the bed, sitting down beside her and pulling her into his arms.
" I just can't dad. Not today I…" Rama began faltering.
" Look Rama, if it was up to me I'd let you skip out of practice today, but Leo isn't going allow it," he paused and gave her a sincere sympathetic look, " because Leo knows that practice is connected to fighting and fighting is connected to death and you don't want to be connected to any of that at the moment" Mike summarized.
" I don't even know if I want to be ninja" Rama protested pulling out of Mike's arms, he gave her a pained look.
" Rama basically when you get knocked down in battle, your going have to be able to get up and swinging whether you want to or not. If a horse throws you, you have to get on it again as soon as possible." Mike informed her, " The longer you wait the harder it becomes, that is why you aren't getting out of practice." He concluded patiently.
" It's not fair! I hate this!" Rama ranted, quickly grabbing a stuffed animal from off the bed and tossed it across her room " I don't see why I have to go to practice when I don't care to, and while the rest of you see a connection I don't, so why can't all of you just leave me alone."
Mike took a slow deep calming breath, reminding himself that he had to be tolerant of her behaviour at the moment, she was confused and her temperamental outburst that was reminiscent of one of her two year old tantrums, was a clear reminder of that fact.
He leaned forward and gave her a peck on the forehead " Leo wants you there" he insisted kindly, " I'll tell him that you will be there in five minutes Rama that is all I can give you."
Rama crossed her arms over her plastron and sat sulking, with her head turned away from her father, refusing to respond in any way.
Mike nodded " I'll see you in the dojo in five Rama" he declared simply as he stood up.
He knew Leo wouldn't like the delay, or the fact that Rama was holding practice up but under the circumstances he would probably allow it to slide, it was all Mike could do for Rama was give her a few minutes to adjust herself to the knowledge of coming to practice or facing her Sensei's wrath.
Rama heard the bedroom door click shut behind Mike and she raised her eyes to glower at the door, " I won't and they can't make me!" she muttered to herself.
A few minutes later she squirmed on her bed, a furrow forming on her brow. She had seen Leo's wrath on more than one occasion and while she was in no mood to practice she wasn't really ready to incur his wrath again.
However, she couldn't deny that she felt she was being forced into something that she didn't want any part of, still she knew if she was going to protest it might be better to do it wisely and choose her time, especially when she considered what sort of punishment Sensei might invoke for her disobedience.
She heaved a resigned sigh as she stood up " All right you win, I'm coming!" she announced to the empty room as she threw her arms up in frustration.
She arrived at the dojo wearing a petulant look. Leo smiled at her.
" Ramiela so glad you could join us," he said cheerfully, as if it had been all her idea to be there.
Rama found a tart answer rising up in her throat and she quickly swallowed it back before it could escape, years of extensive training had taught her what she could expect if she did let loose her volley of venom, so instead she responded in the proper way.
She bowed low " Hai Sensei forgive me for my behaviour."
She stood up gritting her teeth as she silently told herself to go through the motions, do what had to be done and get out fast. She would ever it took to get her through this.
Leo sensed her resistance and planned on working her hard and long to get her past this stage, for he knew that this behaviour was yet another hurdle caused by her killing the Foot soldier, and it like the other hurdles had to be overcome.
….
The next few days had Leo working Rama hard in practice sessions and lessons if no where else, meanwhile Rama was often getting angry over simple things, alternating arguments with the desire to seek some help or guidance to help her healing along.
Other then that she wrote long pages in her journal, and she found that just by writing her thoughts and feelings down was sort of therapeutic in its own way. Sometimes in her writings she found stepping stones to guide her, other times it was just the safest place to vent her feelings and thoughts, especially as she knew no one would be reading this, other then herself.
Rama looked down at what she had written.
…
Perhaps killing when it is necessary to save another really isn't so bad, sort of like Robin Hood and his thieving, sure Robin was breaking the law, but in the end it was for the greater good, and I guess that is what really matters.
I guess that is why Uncle Donatello can still feel like he is still a hero.
Those who seek to hurt or cause trouble for others don't have a great deal od honour to begin with, if they respected other's rights they wouldn't be out to hurt their fellow man.
For us to turn away and allow an innocent to come to harm, when we can do something to stop, or prevent it, would be disgraceful and a lack of honour. Someone must stand up for what is right
I was wrong, I want to be a ninja and help others who might need it, I want to stand up for those who might need it, because one day someone might come for us and because we are so different there are very few people who will speak out for us. We need to encourage everyone to realize and speak up for those who don't live as good of a life as many citizens do.
Killing though, even if it is for a worthy cause, is still so unacceptable to me. I'm not sure that I could do it, I don't even know if I want to.
Killing is the ultimate choice and it is final, so killing under any circumstances can't be made lightly. I don't know if I'm qualified to make such a decision or choice, to figure out who is to live and who isn't just isn't the sort of options I want to pick for anyone.
One day who knows someone might pick death for me.
I wished I could believe in myself enough to trust my instincts in this matter, I'm just so unsure.
TBC
Lunar Ninja: You probably won't be reading this for awhile as you are on vacation, hope your having fun. Don could pull off quite a bit if it wasn't for the fact he is a mutant turtle talk about discrimination. Yes Don as Robin Hood, hmm Mike would be Friar tuck and …well there goes a plot bunny. A gratitude for your insight.
Chibi Rose Angel: I have no idea if Don ever did carry such weapons; he has been trained in them, as a ninja that is to be expected. I just put that into the Rama story. Rama doesn't really have a short attention span it is just that she acted that way when Don was schooling her ( read Reluctant Student you'll see what I mean) A gratitude for your insight.
Jessiy: You have been reading and reviewing quite a few of the Rama stories and I thank you for that. Personally I believe you said things quite eloquently in spite of you thinking you didn't have the right words. A gratitude for your insight.
Lenni: Ah being a ninja is all part of the training and what all ninja must face sooner or later. Death for a ninja is truly a part of life. A gratitude for your insight.
Digimon girl: Glad you loved it. Here is the next chapter to enjoy. A gratitude for your insight.