Yes, I know, I haven't updated this story in months. But here's a new chapter, yippee! I decided to improve this story, so I gave it a new title and kind of rewrote it a little bit. My other story, Random Tales About Various People, has also been rewritten, so feel free to check that out.

Chapter Nine

"THERE IS CURRENTLY AN OAF RUNNING LOOSE IN THE PALACE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" screamed some random man with a really loud voice.

"Shouldn't we capture him?" asked George.

"Never fear, I shall vanquish the oaf with my spoon of death!" cackled Alanna. She looked at her empty hand. "WHERE'S MY SPOON OF DEATH!"

George sighed. "It's in your other hand, Alanna!"

"Oh yeah," said Alanna, looking at her left hand.

"Are you sure you're not blonde?" George wondered.

Suddenly, Cleon wandered into the room carrying a dead turkey. "AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!" screamed Raoul in his high-pitched scream. "The oafish menace is brutally slaughtering our livestock!"

Cleon started to cry. "But the invisible hobo told me to do it! He wanted to make hobo soup and he needed a turkey!"

"HE LIES!" shrieked Thayet. "OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"

"I already died once!" protested Cleon. "I don't think it would be fair if I died twice!"

"Roger died twice!" said Alanna, waving her spoon of death inches from Cleon's oafish head.

"I HAVE AN IDEA!" screamed Jon. Everybody ignored him.

"Guess what?" cried Owen. "The Cake Fairy left a magic cake under my pillow in exchange for my kidneys! That's so jolly!"

"I HAVE AN IDEA!" Jon screamed again. Everybody ignored him, again.

"Um, Owen," said Kel. "There's no Cake Fairy!"

"WHAT!" cried Owen. "All my hopes and dreams and fantasies have been shattered! I hate you, Kel!" He kicked Kel in the shins and burrowed a hole in the ground and hid there.

"I SAID, I HAVE AN IDEA!" Jon screamed yet again.

"WHAT IS IT!" roared Wyldon, losing his patience.

"I say we outlaw Cleon from Tortall!" Jon announced happily.

Alanna gasped so hard her face turned purple. "Jon got an intelligent idea!"

"Actually, I am being temporarily possessed, causing me to say things I would normally never say!" Jon said. He paused. "Except now I'm not possessed anymore. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"CLEON, GET OUTTA HERE AND NEVER COME BACK!" yelled Raoul. He kicked Cleon in the buttocks and Cleon went flying out of Tortall.

"Now we'll have to make a new holiday!" Numair concluded. "National Cleon Extermination Day!"

"Hooray! Let us celebrate with much jolliness!" cried Owen excitedly.

"How can you sick people be celebrating when there are starving common folk!" screamed Kel.

"Relax, Kel, nobody cares about the commoner populace," said Neal. Kel threw a fork at him.

"HOW DARE YOU COPY ME!" roared Alanna. "IF IT WASN'T FOR MY SPOON OF DEATH, YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER GOTTEN THE IDEA TO USE THAT FORK!"

Kel then began to cry miserably, gigantic tears pouring down her face and loud pathetic sobs issuing from her mouth.

"KEL'S CRYING! IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!" shrieked Raoul in a panic. Wyldon then picked up Jon's precious purple potato and knocked Kel senseless with it.

Kel opened her eyes, blinked a couple of times, took a deep breath, and screamed, "HELP THE COMMON FOLK! PEASANTS ARE PEOPLE TOO!"

"We are!" cried a random group of peasants. They happily did the Jolly Dance.

"Hey, the Jolly Dance is my special dance!" complained Owen.

"Owen, you must be nice to the common folk! They can dance however they want!" scolded Kel. "People need to be more respectful to the commoners, which is why I've decided to start the Help the Peasants Campaign!"

"Help the Peasants Campaign!" asked Neal.

"Yep! And you get to be a part of it, because I said so!" She stuck a badge on Neal's shirt.

"What do I have to do?" asked Neal worriedly.

"Start out by reading this 9,147 page pamphlet that I wrote on the need for commoner rights!" said Kel, shoving a booklet into Neal's hands.

Neal looked at it in disbelief. "Um... I forgot how to read?"

Kel gasped. "NEALAN! HOW COULD YOU!"

"What?"

Kel smacked him with a stuffed rabbit. "How dare you pretend you can't read! That's a mockery of all of those peasants who are illiterate! I can't believe you!"

"Kel, I think you're taking peasant rights too far!" said Raoul.

Kel pointed her glaive at his face. "You can never take peasant rights too far! Because of that insulting remark, I'm going to force you to join my Help the Peasants Campaign."

"Stupid former squire..." Raoul muttered.

"Yeah, I know," said Alanna, who had just discovered that Neal had painted her room bright pink and had stolen her favorite box of animal crackers.

"I have decided to start a peasant revolt!" Kel announced. "Neal and Raoul will be my assistants! The Help the Peasants Campaign will go where it has never gone before! Come, let us lead the peasants against the noblemen!"

"Um, Kel?" said Neal.

"What?"

"How can you lead a peasant revolt if you're not a peasant?"

"Hmm, good point." Kel sat down on Jon's foot and thought for a few minutes. "I know! We'll force the peasants to start a revolt on their own!"

"But Kel," said Raoul, "forcing peasants to do something is almost like a form of abusing them. And I thought this was about helping the peasants, not controlling them."

Kel stood up and knocked Jon over. "Darn you smart people! Now what will I do?"

Neal raised his hand. "We can be like door-to-door salesmen and give away free things to the peasants! And we can brainwash them and poison them against the noblemen!"

"Great idea, Neal!" Kel gave him a big hug, and wouldn't let go.

Suddenly, Yuki walked into the room and saw Neal and Kel tenderly embracing. "Neal, you cheater! I hate you!" She threw herself out the window, landed on a giant sponge, and booked passage on a ship back to the Yamani Islands.

"Well that was strange," Neal remarked. "And now I'm wonderfully single!"

Kel was still hugging him. "Well, let's go gather up some objects to give to the peasants. The Help the Peasants Campaign shall soon be the kingdom's chief power and influence!"

Suddenly, Dom walked into the room and saw Neal and Kel tenderly embracing. "Oh no! Neal's gay!"

Neal let go of Kel in alarm. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh wait, never mind," said Dom. "At first I thought Kel was a boy."

Kel stood up in anger. "And I thought I loved you!"

"You did?"

Kel immediately blushed, making her look redder than Alanna's hair covered in tomato sauce. "Now I've released my deepest, darkest secret! For that, Dom, you have to join my Help the Peasants Campaign!"

"What's that?"

"Here." Kel handed him the 9,147 page pamphlet that she had written on the need for commoner rights. "Read that, and you shall know all about peasant rights! But first, you have to come with us on our Free Stuff Giveaway thing!"

And so Kel, Neal, Dom, and Raoul gathered up various objects that peasants would happily enjoy, and set off on the Free Stuff Giveaway Sale.