Chapter Thirteen
Alone he rides, alone, the fair and fatal king.
-Lional Johnson
It's funny how darkness can suddenly shadow feelings of happiness, like a storm cloud shutting out the only light of the sun. And in one instant, everything changes. Sailormoon had no idea of the sorrow to come as she sat on the warm asphalt, humming contentedly to herself. She thought nothing could dampen her rainbow-colored vision, and could have sat there forever, smiling at her friends. But that was before she noticed Averill.
He was standing a little ways from the group, lips fixed in a smile but eyes betraying his true feelings. He didn't fit in, even after all he'd done to redeem himself. She was ready to forgive him wholeheartedly now (in a way, she always had), but the way he stood apart from the others, watching with his hands buried deep in his pockets, made her wonder if he was ready to forgive himself.
If he doubted where he belonged, she would show him. With a swift movement, she stood and felt herself sway with a sudden dizziness. Nick and Tuxedo Kamen both moved to steady her, but she swatted them away. She could only think of Averill, so alone in the setting sun. Determinedly, she started towards him.
He could barely meet her eyes as she neared, and she felt a sudden sweet stab of feeling for him. Not for the first time, she identified it with love… but it was a different kind of love than what she felt for Mamoru. So, she had been right to feel this way about him from the beginning. She had always loved him, just not in the way she'd expected. The poison and her own confused emotions had twisted around what was really important.
More than anything she wanted him to look at her. "Thank you," she whispered with true gratitude and he glanced up at her once before returning his emerald stare to the ground. How interesting it was to watch this previously self-assured boy acting like an insecure child! But she wouldn't give up. She reached for his hand, and he stared at their clasped fingers for a moment before looking at her. Really looking this time.
"For what? What have I ever done that is worth thanks? I nearly ruined your life… if it hadn't been for your friends and my brother, I would have."
"None of that was your fault," she assured him and noticed the surprised look in his eyes. "You were under Lord Ahriman's influence. Everything that's happened is in the past and we're better people because of it."
"Maybe you are, but I won't ever change."
"Don't say that. Without you, we couldn't have beaten him!"
"Without me you wouldn't have had to fight him in the first place."
Sailormoon sighed. It was obviously going to take more than a few words to convince him. "Please," she urged and slid her hand to his arm. "I forgive you. Come with me back to Mamo-chan's apartment and we can talk about it there."
Averill looked at her expressionlessly. "I never told you how I came here," he started and she blinked, wondering why he wanted to talk there. Wouldn't it be better when they were all safe in Mamoru's living room?
"No, but…"
"Not the same way you were sent to the future. I didn't grow up here. This body is the same one you saw ten thousand years ago."
Averill paused, and Sailormoon stared at him, unsure of what he wanted her to say. He smiled weakly and shook his head before continuing:
"When he learned what Queen Serenity was about to do, Lord Ahriman used his power to connect those who served him in a web… a sort of living time capsule. We would sleep until the time came to wake and then we would appear here, knowing our purpose. Queen Metallia did the same with Beryl and her followers, although they were Awakened much earlier. It was supposed to be at the same time, but something went wrong. I suppose it was Queen Serenity's meddling. Thank God for that, otherwise you really would have had a challenge."
Eternal Sailormoon shuddered thinking about it. "I agree. We were beginners then. We all died, actually."
Averill looked interested. "Really?"
"Yes." Sailormoon felt like she was talking to someone standing on the ledge of a building, trying to urge him back inside. "Come with me and I'll tell you all about it," she coaxed, but Averill was shaking his head.
"I haven't finished," he said and she bit her lip. "I told you how we came here. It happened about a year ago. I was jolted Awake somewhere in Russia. Lord Ahriman planted a simple suggestion in my mind - to find you. He also hinted that I was desperately in love with you, but I was under his influence so deeply by then that I would have gone even if he hadn't."
"I know all this, Averill," she whispered. "Stop blaming yourself."
"No, you don't know. You can't. He lingered with me all that time, monitoring me, but otherwise left me completely alone. I searched for a year, with one purpose in my dismal world. One light in the darkness: you." He stopped and looked into her eyes so deeply then that she shivered. He couldn't possibly still be in love with her. Boss was gone: his influence over Averill was no more…
Averill saw her wariness and smiled. "Don't worry. You aren't my light anymore. There is no light I see." He added the last part quickly, bitterly, and Sailormoon's eyebrows lifted in shock.
"You don't mean that," she told him in a steady voice. "You can't."
He didn't appear to hear. "The difference between your mother's method and Lord Ahriman's is that you were reincarnated and had a chance to grow and learn, but I didn't. I'm still the same idiot I was then. A 10,000 year old with a young man's mind and body, and I feel every minute of it."
"Averill…"
"I'm a zombie," he interrupted, his eyes becoming distant - she knew he wasn't really seeing her when he looked. "Sleep is a horrible way to describe what we experienced. We were frozen. Our bodies couldn't move, but our minds were alive and active. When we were Awakened, we were weak from laying dormant for centuries. That's one reason Boss was after energy. None of us had any. We were all empty shells of our former selves. I'm not even sure I have a soul anymore."
Sailormoon stared at him, unblinking, refusing to show the horror he obviously expected her to feel. "That's not true," she told him seriously. "If you didn't, you wouldn't be feeling so bad right now."
He shrugged. "Maybe, but I do know that I will never forgive myself for what I did to you."
"Maybe not now, but in time you will. I care about you Averill, and I know the others do too. We'll be here to chase those dark thoughts from your mind."
"It doesn't matter. I won't be around that long."
Sailormoon stopped breathing for a second. "What do you mean?" she whispered. Maybe her earlier analogy about him as a man on a ledge was more accurate than she'd guessed…
"Just what I said. I can't stay in this town. Being near you… don't you see? If I stay, I will end up causing you more pain. Whether you believe it or not, I love you too much for that. And honestly, do you want me around? A constant reminder of what I put you through?"
"I told you before that it doesn't matter to me!" she said fiercely.
"But it will. You will tire of me quickly, and I'm the kind of man to force my presence on anyone."
"Averill, stop it. You're scaring me."
"Ah." He nodded to himself, confirming some dismal thought. "It's happening already. I think it's best if I leave tonight."
Sailormoon was silent for a moment. "Where will you go?" she asked finally and he smiled ironically.
"Where won't I go is the question. I'll wander. I'll always wander. It's my true destiny."
"Alone?" She hated the plaintive note in her voice.
"Alone. What else? How could I be with anyone knowing that I'm cursed?"
"I'll go with you!" Sailormoon cried, not thinking about how illogical that was. Tears streamed down her cheeks, and Averill's eyes finally focused as he looked at her fondly.
"I'm glad you haven't changed. Such a beautiful heart. Never lose it." With a quick movement, he planted a kiss on top of her head and moved to wipe the tears from her cheeks, but she jerked away and angrily did it herself. Above all, she did not want him to placate her as if she was a little girl. Not when she was this upset.
She glared at him. "And what? You're going to wander around by yourself? Without a plan? Alone for all eternity?" She'd meant for her words to be angry, but they ended up coming out as a drawn-out whine.
"Yes. Why are you so upset? I thought we understood each other."
"I will never understand you," she cried vehemently and then as if someone flipped her switch to 'off', she stilled and her face went blank.
"I suppose there's no changing your mind," she said slowly.
"No. I'm sorry, Usagi, really I am, but it's better if I leave. It's foolish to hope we can all live together in harmony now. You must know that."
Sailormoon's eyes glazed over and she closed her mouth, refusing to let another protest escape. She clutched the golden rod so hard that her knuckles whitened like fresh snow, and with clear resignation, she stepped aside. Whether she was too shocked to say more or simply sulking, it was hard to tell, but Averill didn't seem to care what she did anymore. He turned his back on her and started walking towards the rest of the group. With a bowed head, she followed.
The senshi and Tuxedo Kamen had given them considerable privacy while they spoke, but it was clear from their silent, alert forms watching the approach that they were curious, especially when they saw the tears still lingering on Sailormoon's cheeks. Tuxedo Kamen made a movement towards her, but she deliberately hung back when Averill stepped forward and turned her face. When he started speaking, she stood quietly with slightly hunched shoulders and avoided meeting any eyes.
"I have decided to leave," Averill announced, and at the several gasps and protests, shook his head with a smile. "Please don't argue with me. I've heard enough from Usagi. She can tell you that my mind is set."
And with that he proceeded around the group with personal goodbyes to each of the senshi, some short, some more intimate. To the outer senshi, he expressed his sincere wish that they'd had the chance to know one another better, in both the Silver Millennium and present Tokyo. He followed this with a quick nod and a 'good luck' to Nick, who looked rather relieved, as if he'd expected an admonition of some sort.
To each of the inner senshi, he gave a special smile and advice, ranging from "Keep studying," to Ami to "Keep that temper under control," to Rei. Averill winked at Minako and Alexei, still sitting on the ground and holding each other, with a wish for their future happiness, and when he stopped before Makoto, he actually kissed her hand and apologized once again for what he did thousands of years ago. She gave a kind of bemused smile and shrugged, letting him know that it didn't matter.
"I forgave you a long time ago," she said sincerely. "I hope you know that."
Next, his eyes fell on the man standing beside her, and it was clear from his expression that this was going to be the hardest goodbye yet. Seeing how difficult it was for his prince to begin, Kyanite smiled tightly and reached out a hand, which Averill gratefully took.
"I won't waste my breath pleading with you to stay. I know you better than that. But I will miss you. I wouldn't have served another for all the power in the universe." His voice was thick with emotion as he spoke.
Averill tilted his head and smiled sadly. ""I know. Goodbye my friend." Reluctantly, he released the hand and turned towards the one person he hadn't spoken to: his brother.
For a moment, neither moved or spoke until Tuxedo Kamen burst out, "Kyanite may not try, but I will! Why are you leaving? Why must you go so soon after I've found you? You're the only family I have, and yet you're trying to leave me!"
Averill smiled. "Who are all these people if not your family? Family is measured by love, not superficial blood ties. Besides, aren't you worried that my gazes at Usagi will become more than friendly? That I'll start to want her, and plot against you to have her? Will you still want your big brother around then?"
"I don't care," Tuxedo Kamen said stubbornly. "I need you here. I… I love you. It sounds crazy, but I do." He suddenly moved forward and embraced a surprised Averill, who couldn't speak for a minute as he held his brother for the last time.
"I know. I love you, too. Always and forever I have loved you. Even when I..." Averill broke off and gently pushed him away, but he didn't look happy. "Goodbye, Mamoru. Please try to understand why I have to go," he whispered before stepping towards the last person in the group.
"And you…" he started uneasily. "I can't say anything that I haven't already."
"I understand," Sailormoon said and leaped forward to hug him with a ferocity that surprised them all. Averill held her patiently for a long moment as she sobbed against him, his eyes closed and face twisted with regret, but then he gently pushed her away, as if he couldn't stand it any longer, and turned, walking quickly.
Sailormoon slowly sank to her knees and bowed her head. "Goodbye," Averill said as he turned back to smile at them once more. "Please forget about me. It won't be any trouble. In time, I'll be nothing but a fading dream." He looked back at the crumpled figure of Sailormoon and sighed, pain clear in his face.
"And Sailormoon," he added, "I just want you to know that I will remember you, always." With one last look, he turned and continued on his way.
Sailormoon had become very still, and as she lifted her head, the several who were looking at her were shocked to see the look on her face. "No you won't," she said, and before anyone had a chance to question her words, she lifted the golden rod and blasted Averill.
A white light shot from the end and surrounded his body. Venus screamed and Averill whirled around with shock, his jaw dropping open. "Usagi…" was his last disbelieving word as he reached for her, but then the light intensified and he faded into nothing.
No one moved and no one spoke, so deeply wrapped in the shock, except for Sailormoon who calmly stood and walked to the spot where Averill had been. There was no sign that he had been there at all, not even a scorch mark or a single, fallen golden hair. She stood silently for a few minutes, staring at the spot, before turning and facing the crowd. She looked better than she had in weeks. There was even some color in her cheeks as she attempted to smile.
"I couldn't let him be alone anymore," she explained in a steady voice before bravado deserted her and she fainted.
"Sailormoon!" Jupiter cried and Tuxedo Kamen shot forward but was too late to save her from hitting the ground, unconscious. Mutely, he lifted her limp body into his arms and brought her back to the group. Everyone was silent for several minutes and stood, quietly regarding one another. Then without words, the group broke apart and went their separate ways, Kyanite with Jupiter and Alexandrite with Venus.
Tuxedo Kamen carried Sailormoon down the street with Nick silently trailing in the background. Even unconscious as she was, tears managed to seep from her eyes and stain his white shirt. And although a car roared by, obscuring his hearing, it seemed she whispered a name. Far away, the sun sank into the horizon and another day ended.
0 0 0
"…Uh huh. Yes. I woke up to find myself lying on a street corner... Oh no, I'm fine. I told you that. I don't know what happened. One minute I was walking down the street and then I woke up two weeks later in another town…Yes, I agree, that's very strange," Usagi said brightly to her mother on the phone.
Nick looked at Mamoru and rolled his eyes, but his friend didn't see. He was staring at Usagi with a strange expression on his face. He had been doing this a lot in the last day since they'd defeated Lord Ahriman.
"…No, no," she continued. "There's no need to pick me up. A very nice couple found me and have offered to bring me home… No, I don't need to see a doctor. I will be home soon. I'm very sorry I made you worry, Mama," she finished with a sincere sniffle. "I love you… Yes. I'll be home soon."
Carefully, she hung up the receiver and smiled weakly at Nick and Mamoru, wiping tears from her eyes. "I'd forgotten how much I missed hearing her voice," she said with a laugh. "I love her so much. I love them all."
"Family is wonderful," Mamoru agreed and she looked at him with sympathy.
"Do you mind if I take a nap before I leave? I'm really tired, and we have time to spare. I told my mom I was two hours away."
"No problem, but first I need to talk to you." Mamoru looked at her meaningfully. "Alone." He flicked his deep blue eyes towards Nick, who, for once, took the hint and left without a word of question. And for the first time all day, they were alone.
Usagi looked at Mamoru. Mamoru looked at Usagi. There was silence in the room.
Quickly, she broke the eye contact and went to sit on the bed. "I really am tired," she pleaded.
"I know, but I have been meaning to talk to you, and if I don't say it now, I never will." Mamoru sat in one of the soft blue chairs against the wall and took a deep breath, before bursting, "Did I do something to offend you? You've been acting different, even before you… well, you know, and I think you've been avoiding me." He tried to smile, but she wouldn't return the favor.
"Does it have to do with him?" he asked softly, knowing she'd understand. Her eyes widened and she clutched the sheets beneath her.
"No!" she cried hotly. The pain was too fresh, and she didn't want to talk about Averill. Not now.
"Then what?"
Now, Usagi looked uncomfortable and her eyes traveled to the floor. "I don't know that you're happy with me," she finally said.
This made him smile, even though it was a bit strained. "What? Why do you say that?" Usagi swallowed and blinked rapidly.
"I'm young. There may be someone older… someone smarter and more experienced that you like spending time with. I just thought you would be happier with that person."
"Hmm…" Mamoru suddenly looked thoughtful. "You really meant it, then, when you told me… or Serena did… that I've been having an affair."
"Um…" Usagi suddenly looked uncomfortable.
"No, it's okay. That's what's been bothering you, right?"
Slowly, Usagi bowed her head and nodded. "I know about you and Moriyo-san," she said quietly. "I'm not going to ask why. I just want you to be happy. If she suits you more than I do, then you should be with her. You have to do what's best for you."
"Hmm." Mamoru looked especially thoughtful now. He sat for another moment with a funny look in his eyes and then shook his head with a smile. "Well," he said cheerfully. "I'll let you get to your nap." Without another look or word, he rose and left, shutting the door firmly behind him. Usagi felt as if he were slamming a door on her heart.
Well, he didn't have to look so damned cheerful about it, did he? Usagi thought angrily before she started crying. But she truly did want him to be happy, and if his happiness meant a life without her, so be it. She tried to convince herself this was the best way, but her heart protested and it was a long time before she was able to fall asleep.
0 0 0
When Usagi woke later it was with a start, and she knew that she hadn't been asleep very long. Perhaps only half an hour. She opened her eyes sleepily and then sat up with a gasp when she realized she wasn't alone in the room.
Sitting in the plush blue chair Mamoru had vacated earlier was a girl. Kina-chan.
"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" she asked sweetly and Usagi felt herself numbly shake her head. A wave of dizziness come over her and she raised a hand to her forehead in confusion. Why was Akina there? Maybe she had come to thank her for releasing him.
"Here." Akina thrust a bouquet of flowers at her and Usagi stared at them, unmoving. "They're from my shop," she explained nervously and Usagi took them with a little reluctance. Her eyes lifted to meet Akina's curiously. She wondered if this girl loved Mamoru half as much as she did. Anyway, she knew Akina would never being able to understand him, not the way she did. They'd been through so much together and now the last few years were being tossed away like unwanted garbage.
Unwanted. Usagi felt her face grow hot. That's what she was. A year ago she would have fought to keep him, but now she couldn't see the point. If Averill had taught her anything, it was to accept her destiny.
The door opened and Mamoru entered with a Cheshire Cat grin. A smile she had never seen before. Overjoyed that you're finally free to be with your secret love? she thought and choked back a flood of fresh tears.
"You're awake," he observed cheerfully and Usagi shifted her gaze to the wall so he couldn't see the despair in her eyes. "I brought Akina over because I thought you two should finally meet."
Oh Mamo-chan, how could you? Usagi thought and continued to wage war on the imposing tears. She refused to cry. Not now, when it wouldn't do her any good.
"Kina-chan, this is Tsukino Usagi," Mamoru introduced, pointing. Akina nodded and smiled.
"You weren't exaggerating, Mamo-kun. She is very pretty." Usagi lifted her eyes in surprise. They were both smiling at her and neither looked malicious, as if they actually thought this was going to make her happy…
"And this…" Mamoru said with a twinkle in his eyes, purposely drawing out the introduction, "is Moriyo Akina. My sister."
"Pleased to meet you," Usagi muttered and then froze. Sister? Had she heard right?
"As I am to meet you," Akina said warmly with a slight bow. Mamoru met Usagi's stunned eyes and then smiled at Akina.
"You mind if I talk to her for a minute?"
"Not at all. I'll visit Nick-san." With another sweet smile, Akina departed. Usagi sat very still and gaped at Mamoru.
"She and Nick know each other?" she asked, feeling the need to say something. Anything. He nodded.
"Yes, she's been over before. He adores her."
"Oh." Usagi couldn't look at him. She desperately tried to kill the bit of hope in her heart in case she was wrong. She couldn't allow herself to dream again just to find herself more heartbroken when she learned for certain that he didn't love her.
"You want to know why I called her my sister?" Mamoru prompted and she blinked at her hands.
"Yes. I thought you didn't have any family." Maybe he had meant 'soul mate', and 'sister' slipped out. Usagi tried to turn her heart to stone. Yes, that had to be it.
"You're right. I don't. Not blood related. You see, we grew up together. Akina and I sort of adopted each other long ago in the orphanage. We were best friends and honorary siblings, but we were separated when she was adopted."
"I don't understand," Usagi said, shaking her head. "You never mentioned her."
"No, I didn't think it was important. It was so long ago, you see. I never expected to see her again. But then one day I was taking a walk and saw her in a flower shop. We were so happy to see each other and as soon as she got off work, we went to a cafe and talked for hours. That was the day you saw us," he explained and she nodded uncertainly.
"She was telling me how wonderful it was to see me and then she started crying. It took a while, but she finally told me she was living with an abusive boyfriend. Still, she loved him and wouldn't leave. I tried to get her to come back with me, but she declined and made me promise not to tell anyone. I agreed, but told her there was always a room open to come to me if it ever became too much.
"And when we were leaving, I saw you. I knew what you must've thought, but I couldn't tell you the truth. I would not break my promise to Kina-chan, even to you. I thought you understood and that was the end of it. I never knew you were so upset," he finished and looked at her, pleading for understanding.
She shook her head in misery. "I was. Especially when you started treating me differently, like you didn't care…"
He swiftly caught her hands in his and kissed them. "Never," he insisted. "It was just that whenever you smiled at me, I thought how lucky I was to have you and was reminded of how miserable Kina-chan was. I felt guilty for being so happy when she was suffering. I should have realized what that was doing to you, and I'm sorry I caused you pain."
"But," Usagi still refused to believe, "you said you loved her. I followed you one night and you said you loved her. I could hear it in your voice. You really do."
"Do you love Shingo-kun, Usako?" Mamoru asked with a smile. "It's nothing more than that, I promise. What do I need to do for you to believe?"
"I want to, Mamo-chan, I do," she said, "but I'm no longer the same person who always blindly trusted what people said. You could be covering up, though God knows why when I've given you a free pass to be with her."
Mamoru's face turned deadly serious. "Listen to me, Tsukino Usagi. We've been doing battle together for two and a half years and you still don't trust me? I love you and always have. Destiny has brought us together, and you think I would be shallow enough to hurt you by having an affair? You mean more to me than anything in this world. You don't know what I've been through these last few weeks, feeling like my life wasn't worth living if you weren't in it. If I lost you, I might as well die because there would be nothing left of me."
Usagi stared at him. His face was drawn and pale, no trace of his smiles from a moment ago. He really did look strained... and sincere. The future Setsuna's words came back to her in a rush, and for the first time, she felt she understood.
Beware the desires of your heart. For a while, the poison and Lord Ahriman's mind games had made her believe she was in love with Averill, and she had forgotten what was really mattered.
Never let your guard down because of heartbreak. She had been broken-hearted when she believed he was having an affair, until the poison washed away her feelings of sorrow. She knew she should have believed in him then, and especially now. But with everything that had happened, she was still finding it difficult.
And finally, the last words came back and her heart swelled with hope once more. Have faith in the ones you love. Of all Setsuna's words, these were the most important.
Mamoru was watching her. "Usako?" he questioned and she looked at him for a long moment before smiling.
"I will," she whispered.
"What?"
"Have faith in you. I believe you. Oh Mamo-chan, I'm so sorry!"
"Hey," he said, a little embarrassed when she flung her arms around him and started sobbing tears of happiness and relief. "It's okay. Really." But he held her just the same, his shaking arms letting her know he was just as happy as she.
"Bravo!" someone exclaimed and the couple broke apart with surprise.
"Nick," Mamoru scowled at the boy hovering in the doorway. "How long have you been there?" he demanded just as Usagi asked, "Where's Akina-san?"
Nick chose to answer Usagi's question. He shrugged. "She had to run back to her shop. There was an emergency… some red posies are sick or something." He didn't sound very interested. "So, you two are cuddly again, huh?"
"Yes, and there's room for more," Usagi told him with a grin and without a second invitation, Nick cannon-balled onto the bed next to them.
"Group hug!" he cried and they pulled together with laughter, even a less enthusiastic Mamoru. Usagi held them tight, and for a moment everything in her world was good. The evil was beaten for now and she knew that in the future she wouldn't fall from grace again because of forbidden desire.
And as she met Mamoru's gaze, she knew that nothing was going to change. No matter how Fate tried to throw her world into Chaos, Destiny had won in the end. Usagi had secrets of her own that would stay in the deepest part of her heart until the time was right, but she knew that when the time came, the people she cared about would love and forgive her. Maybe they'd even understand.
And for the first time in months, Usagi saw that the future looked much brighter.