The "happy couple" described in the story was anything but happy. I think "couple" is even stretching it a little far. But Bubba and Darla really were my neighbors and Darla really was pregnant, this much the story has right. What it doesn't tell you, though, is that Bubba and Darla were, in my humble opinion, white trash.

"Bubba!" Darla's piercing scream would interrupt my lovely, quiet breakfast. "Git off that couch, turn off that there TV and git to work, you lazy pig!"

"Woman," Bubba would so intelligently reply, "I have bin workin' all day, yer the one that ain't done nothin'!"

This would go on sometime, one would threaten to leave the other, and then they would make up. And this, dear reader, is how Darla became pregnant. I'm sure I don't need to go into detail on, you know, the birds and the bees and what not.

I must confess that for the first few months, pregnancy did wonders for Darla; she really was one of those women that glowed. She was almost serene during that time. It gave me a chance to work on my beautiful vegetable garden in peace.

But soon the cravings started. And that's when it all went down hill.

Rampion, for those of you who aren't vegetable connoisseurs like I am, is in the spinach family. It's a favorite among witches as they tend to be vegetarian. My rampion garden was my pride and joy, the most beautiful in three counties, six years running. If you were to see my garden, you could understand why most people would want to sample the rampion.

But I always thought it was safe from Bubba and Darla. The two of them seemed to have four basic food groups: beer, red meat, potatoes of the fried variety, and barbeque sauce. I don't even think their stomachs had ever seen anything green or containing vitamins A-K. I never worried that my garden would be in jeopardy from them.

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when Bubba came stumbling over my garden wall one day, but I was. I mean, I knew pregnancy could do weird things to woman, even make Darla crave vegetables, but it still caught me off guard.

I was sitting outside enjoying a peaceful summer night when something, or should say someone, came tumbling over my garden wall. Although I normally am very even tempered, I was furious. First of all, witches tend to be very private creatures. We don't take kindly to people stomping around, uninvited in our land. Secondly, whoever was out there was in the middle of my rampion garden! The judges were coming in two weeks and there was no way I was going to lose the garden award after winning for six years.

I rushed out to my garden to see what all the ruckus was. Imagine my surprise when I found Bubba traipsing about my yard. He was, of course, drunk off his gourd and stumbling around quite a bit.

"That woman! I don't care if she's pregnant or not, she made me git outta bed and come over to that evil witch's yard to steal some stupid vegetable!" he complained, rather loudly, might I add. I was rather offended that he had the nerve to call my vegetables stupid, but I kept my temper.

"Excuse me sir, but you happen to be trespassing. Now I don't mind if you have a few of my vegetables, but I would prefer it if you would ask--"

"ARRRGGHH! The old, ugly witch!" There it was again. Why did people have to keep saying that? "Please, please don't kill me, I wasn't doin nothin'!" The fat oaf was on his knees practically crying. If I didn't want to hex him before, I sure did now.

Let me just take this time to clear up another common misconception about witches. We're magical. Why in the world would be ugly if we could change it! I mean, I'm no super model, but I've been known to turn a few heads. The only thing that kept me from turning Bubba in to a John Deere tractor after that statement was the fact that he was going to be a father soon.

Even still, I put on my meanest face, just to scare him a little. "Why are you here? What do you want with my vegetables?"

"Please! I din't want to! Sh…she made me do it!" He was blubbering now; I was quite embarrassed at the scene. "She say she has got to have some o' this ram… ramponion… er... stuff. If ya promise not to turn me into a toad, I'll…give ya the baby!"

I was shocked that he would even offer. What kind of parent would give up their baby like that? I began to think that I should take him up on the offer. Even before that night I had been questioning Bubba and Darla's parenting skills. First of all, their marriage itself was a little shady. I strongly suspected they were related; they looked very similar, like they could have been cousins or something. No child should be raised with a home life like that. Secondly, they bought an awful lot of Sudafed. They either got a lot of head colds or had a meth lab in their basement. Considering some of the company they kept, my guess was the latter, though neither was good for a baby. After thinking it over, I finally decided it would be best to take care of the child myself.

"All right, I will let you go, and I will give you all the rampion your wife wants, but when the baby is born you must give it to me. And you must promise to leave me alone after." I thought all of this was more than fair. After nodding his agreement, Bubba grabbed his bag of rampion and ran home. The tub of lard didn't even thank me. Being a witch is a thankless job.