Finally the day arrived and the baby girl was born. I was going to allow them a few days with her thinking maybe they would realize Bubba's mistake. But later that day, Darla and Bubba showed up at my front door. As Darla shoved the crying baby in my arms and walked away without so much as a backward glance, I knew I had done the right thing by agreeing to take her.

The baby already had a full head of blonde hair and the most beautiful green eyes. I named her Rapunzel, which means rampion in German, after her eyes, and the events that brought her to my home.

And Rapunzel grew into the loveliest girl in the whole world.

Hahaha…I'm sorry, I could never say that with a straight face.

You want to talk about an awkward teen phase? No matter how hard I tried to bring her up to be a lovely, intelligent girl, genetics always won out. I think it has something to do with Darla and Bubba being both her parents and her second cousins. With genes like that, there's nothing you can do but keep the girl away from the booze and hope for the best.

Rapunzel was as stupid as Darla and Bubba and twice as ugly. Her face was covered with pimples, her buck teeth jutted out in the most unnatural way I've ever seen, and she had a huge…derrière. She was actually very skinny, which only served to make her butt that much more noticeable. And not in a good way.

I will concede that Rapunzel had two redeeming qualities. They had always been her most striking features ever since she was a baby: her long, golden hair and her jade green eyes. I knew there had to be some potential for her.

When she was twelve, and had come running home crying for the zillionth time because of something one of the village boys had said, the two of us devised a plan. Despite her unfortunate appearance and lack of intelligence, I still cared very much for the girl, so much so that I would have done anything to make her happy again. So I magically constructed a large tower that Rapunzel could go to get away from the cruel world. I filled it with books and brought some of the greatest experts to instruct her in music, history, science, math, philosophy, and of course, manners and proper lady like behavior. I mixed up some potions to fix her acne problem, her teeth, and her uh…proportionality problem.

The tower originally had a door and stairs to get up to Rapunzel's room, but after a year the village boys found the tower and the entrance and began to torment Rapunzel in her sanctuary. I then had to seal the entrance so that the only way to get up was to say the secret phrase "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair," and climb the tower using her hair as a ladder. Because secrecy was a must, the experts were all sent away. I was the only one left to instruct Rapunzel. I knew the girl had to be lonely, but she was still making incredible progress.

She eventually did become the most beautiful girl in the world, and quite the budding genius, but only through a lot of hard work, not to mention a quite a bit of magic.

Despite all my best efforts those incestual genes of hers still came back to bite me in the rear, and all because of that stupid prat of a prince.