Title: Crushed First
Author: Celeste
Universe: Naruto
Theme/Topic: OrochimaruxJiraiya youth story
Rating: PG-13 for language and a kiss.
Pairing: OrochimaruxJiraiya, but not really.
Spoilers: Um, nothing that any Naruto fan shouldn't already know.
Word Count: 1,842
Time: 2 hours, 37 mins, minor edits (god this was hard to write).
Summary: CRACK fic- Jiraiya hates that creepy bastard.
Dedication: Nicole and her evil pretty fanart of DOOM. This pairing still creeps me the hell out and I don't even know what happens beyond ep 106 goddammit.
A/N: So I couldn't really make a real OrochimaruxJiraiya story because the thought kind of makes me want to clench my teeth and close my eyes, but I figure since I just made a crack story about it instead, it'll be okay. Maybe. Hopefully it's funny enough to distract from the fact that…yeah, but really, it's NOT a real OrochimaruxJiraiya fic! It's the parody of one, or it would be if I'd ever read any. Yes. Oh nevermind. And I suck at titles, FYI. --;; OMG Midterm tomorrow, I'm so screwed. --;;;
Distribution: Just lemme know.

Orochimaru was the kind of person who liked to step on bugs for the thrill of stepping on bugs, regardless of how insignificant the action was to him and how, well, life-ending it was to the hapless insect that was subject to his interest.

He wasn't the type of guy who stopped and thought about how easy it would be to let the bug live, seeing as to how it wouldn't make a difference in his life either way.

He had some sick fascination with destroying things, even little things that didn't even really matter.

It was why Jiraiya hated him.

And the white-haired boy would stand by that reasoning no matter what anyone else said about what a genius Orochimaru was, or how he had the potential to be the greatest ninja Konoha had seen in a while.

Jiraiya really hated him.

And Orochimaru knew it, which was why, Jiraiya suspected, that the snakey bastard took special pains to always be around Jiraiya, smiling that eerie smile of his and saying just the right thing at just the right time to annoy the hell out of the other boy.

It was like stepping on bugs. He didn't have to do it, because what Jiraiya did didn't matter to him, but he did it out of some sadistic glee anyway.

Tsunade was just glad it wasn't her, and let it continue.

Sarutobi-sensei thought it was that thing called "healthy-rivalry."

Jiraiya was convinced that Konoha should learn how to weed out the bad seeds who liked to kill things for fun and not let them pack large quantities of sharp pointy objects or teach them how to kill better because he was sure it would do the village a world of good to screen those kinds of potential ninja out of becoming ninja.

He was certain that if things kept up the way they were going now, this whole process was going to come back and bite them in the ass in a bad way one of these days.

But Sarutobi-sensei told him not to be jealous of those like Orochimaru, who had natural talent for everything. Instead, he bopped Jiraiya on the head and told him to train harder instead of worrying about other people.

Orochimaru would smile from behind sensei and surreptitiously kick over a nearby anthill while the old man wasn't looking.

Jiraiya thought it was all a bad sign.

Which was why he liked to avoid the creepy bastard as much as physically possible when he could, like on days when they weren't training or on missions together and stuff like that.

He just wanted to be as far away as possible.

Which naturally, meant that Orochimaru went out of his way to appear near him on their days off.

It was like the bugs all over again. It wouldn't hurt the bastard to let Jiraiya alone, but he did what he did anyway because he got some sick kick out of it.

It was all just some ploy to drive the white-haired boy mad. For shits and giggles.

For instance, Jiraiya would be peeping at the baths, and boom, Orochimaru would show up, that gross neck of his stretched out and appearing right next to the other boy's head so that it looked like it was floating in mid-air, and Jiraiya would turn and be scared so badly he'd let out a shout, and all the women would know he was peeping and begin to scream and throw things at him as he was forced to hastily retreat.

Or Jiraiya would be eating ramen with his hard earned mission savings and he'd look down and notice that things were mysteriously missing and reluctantly turn to his side only to find Orochimaru sitting on the stool next to him, peeling apart his fishcake with his fingers and eating it piece by piece when he knew that Jiraiya liked to save it for last because it was his favorite part.

And Jiraiya would rage and threaten to kill the bastard, except that the bastard would only smile more when he heard those words of violence before he asked something really creepy like, "What if that's what I wanted all along?"

It was things like that that Orochimaru always insisted on doing for no other reason than to drive Jiraiya crazy, the pale genius stalking him and one by one, taking the important joys in his life and crushing them between those deceptively frail-looking hands of his.

Healthy-rivalries only went so far, goddammit.

He tried complaining to Sarutobi-sensei about it, but the old man really wouldn't hear any of it since Orochimaru was his super-star pupil and was always extremely well-behaved when sensei was looking.

At best, the shitty old man would just laugh it off and suggest that that was Orochimaru's way of making friends.

Jiraiya suggested that Orochimaru was just batshit insane.

Sarutobi-sensei didn't think that was very funny.

Jiraiya insisted that he hadn't been joking.

And then he'd gotten thwapped upside the head and told to go run several laps around the village if he had so much energy to spend trying to defame his teammates.

Jiraiya tried pointing out the fact that he never had anything bad to say about Tsunade even though she was a crazy bitch, but for some reason, that hadn't helped his case.

Sarutobi-sensei had just assigned two extra laps.

It so happened that one fateful day, while he was jogging off one of the many laps he owed sensei, he stopped by the lake just on the outskirts of the village, where several young ladies were frolicking in the water, trying to beat the summer heat by the roaring waterfalls.

Upon seeing them, Jiraiya decided that the extra laps were cruel and unusual punishment and should be thus protested against. His protest consisted of climbing a nearby tree to take a break and enjoy the view.

Because he deserved it, especially after all the grief Orochimaru insisted on causing him just 'cuz the bastard thought it was fun or something.

Jiraiya comforted himself with the fact that there was at least one thing that creepy asshole could never ruin for him, no matter how hard he tried.

Grinning to himself, the young ninja settled himself on a low hanging branch of a tall tree, leaning against the trunk as he watched the girls at play, their sweet laughter soothing his angry nerves and making the day once again, enjoya…

"Tsk tsk… didn't Sarutobi-sensei tell you to run laps, Jiraiya-kun?"

"GODDAMMIT!"

Jiraiya's unwitting shout of frustration sent several birds flying from their nests, and regrettably, several others flying from the lake.

"Did you hear that? Some pervert's out there!"

"Quick, let's get away from here!"

"Right!"

Mournfully, Jiraiya watched the girls flee, grabbing towels and clutching them to themselves as they ran back in the direction of the village. Once out of sight, he whirled on his tormentor. "Why are you always around?"

Orochimaru had the gall to look wounded. "Well that's not a very nice thing to say to a teammate who just wants to spend more time with you, Jiraiya-chan."

Jiraiya glowered at that. "Don't call me that, you sick fuck."

"My, such anger, no wonder Sarutobi-sensei worries about you," the snake-like ninja murmured, sliding onto the branch beside Jiraiya despite the white-haired boy's valiant attempts at thwarting him. "The most dangerous shinobi are those with unreasonable tempers and no talent, after all…"

"No, the worst ones are psychotic assholes who have stalker tendencies!" Jiraiya shot back, making a fist. "Now leave me alone, Orochimaru, I've got things to do."

The black-haired boy smirked. "Observing the wildlife, are we? How uncouth."

Jiraiya snarled. "What would you know about it anyway, ya creepy bastard?"

Orochimaru chuckled eerily, eyes fixated on his teammate in a manner that made Jiraiya's skin crawl. "I know that those who will never go out and grasp what they desire will forever be sentenced to merely watching from the shadows…victims of their own uselessness and dishonor…"

"Yeah?" Jiraiya snarled, wanting nothing more than to pummel his teammate within an inch of his life. "And what would you have done, bastard?"

Orochimaru grinned like those had been the magic words he'd been waiting for, and something in Jiraiya started screaming in alarm for him to run.

Looking into those grotesquely amused eyes, Jiraiya wondered if this was what those bugs felt like right before Orochimaru's foot ended their harmless little lives.

And before the white-haired ninja's brain could get the message to his legs to run far away, Orohimaru stretched that inhuman neck of his forward two feet and…

…kissed him.

Jiraiya was so surprised he almost fell out of the tree.

And then just like that, Orochimaru pulled back, that low laughter of his that sent small animals scurrying for cover ringing right in Jiraiya's ear. "I probably would have done that," he purred before returning his neck to normal human proportions.

Jiraiya stared at his teammate, completely dumfounded.

Satisfied with that, Orochimaru leapt lightly from the tree branch back onto the forest floor like everything was the same as usual and he hadn't just kissed his teammate who was also a guy. "I'll see you tomorrow, bright and early for morning training, Jiraiya-kun!" the snake called over his shoulder with unnecessary cheer.

Jiraiya, mind blank with incredulous rage, could only watch him go.

He touched a hand to his violated lips.

Orochimaru had just stolen Jiraiya's first kiss.

Orochimaru had just stolen Jiraiya's first kiss.

The one he'd been saving for… well, okay, no one particularly special, but even then, he'd been saving it for girls only.

And now…

Realization plowed into him like one of Tsunade's fists and Jiraiya screamed and spat and wiped desperately at his mouth with his hands, Orochimaru's mocking laughter floating to him from the forest floor as he walked away, licking his lips victoriously.

To this day, Jiraiya was convinced that the bastard had only done it because Jiraiya was one of those rare Konoha shinobi that actually really liked women.

And as if to ao add to the insult, Orochimaru had paused before he was completely out of sight, turning around to give Jiraiya one last, frighteningly appraising look.

Jiraiya had frozen on the spot, the prospect of the bastard doing something else to him right then and there enough to scare him stiff.

Orochimaru, obviously taking some sick joy in his teammate's fear, chuckled to himself, running his fingers through his long hair and flipping it over his shoulder like he didn't have a care in the world right now. "Ne, Jiraiya-kun… Sarutobi-sensei sent me to make sure you didn't slack off on your laps. Be sure to be a good boy and do them right, okay? I'll be watching." Smirking, Jiraiya's self-appointed professional tormentor blew the other ninja a kiss and winked before slithering off to wherever it was he'd come from.

Jiraiya watched him go with a sour look on his face.

He really hated that asshole.

END