Lord Of The Guys: The Second Installment
Remus had privately decided, after spending only twenty or so minutes on it, that he and the island weren't really gelling. As Remus was, if nothing else, eminently sensible, knew that first impressions were often wildly inaccurate. For instance, the first time he'd laid eyes on James, the boy had been sitting alone on the Hogwarts Express, dark hair combed back neatly, studiously reading through his round glasses, utterly absorbed. Feeling that this indeed was a kindred spirit, Remus had decided it was safe to share a carriage (and, later, the sandwiches his mum had packed) with him. Remus had later learned that the only reason James's hair didn't resemble the nest of a slightly schizophrenic bird on the first day of school was because Mrs Potter had used a semi-permanent Flattening Charm on it, and the thing he'd been looking at so avidly was a Zonko's order form. But by then it was far too late to get his sandwiches back, and by the time they crossed the lake he'd already done a 'spit shake' and a received a Chinese burn from James, so he supposed that made them friends.
Despite his belief that first impressions were rarely right, Remus was sure with a fervent certainty that he wasn't going to like the island. There was the sun, for one thing. It was pretty enough, he supposed, when it was on the other side of a glass window and making the Hogwarts grounds less generally grey, but when it kept getting in your eyes, and reflecting off rocks, and making everything shine in blinding technicolour, it kind of gave you a headache. Also, inevitably, with the sun came heat. Not only was heat an utterly new concept for one who spent the greater part of their year in Scotland, it was also a big problem, especially when you were wearing a woollen jumper, a cheesecloth shirt and a vest. Sirius, of course, was quite happy to prance about in the ferns completely topless, occasionally beating his chest like a gorilla. Remus was trying not to gawk, really he was, but it didn't help that Sirius was such a bloody exhibitionist. He probably thought Remus was envying the extreme firmness of his abdominals, or something Quidditchy like that. Actually, Remus wasn't entirely 100 on why he found the sight so disconcerting, but he thought it might something to do with the fact that Sirius's skin didn't look as if he lived underneath a wet rock and never ventured into daylight (as Remus's did). His friend's chest wasn't tan, not yet at least, but at least it wasn't the hue of an anaemic polar bear.
Also, even if the island was, as Remus was beginning to suspect, completely deserted, he wasn't about to pull off his woollen jumper and reveal his pale, pale chest to the world. James would point, and Sirius would laugh, and even Peter might snigger a bit, if he'd stopped raving about his new sworn enemies (the crabs). Yes, they'd matured a bit since 'spit shakes' and Dungbo- well, those were still a constant source of amusement- but Remus's numerous physical inadequacies were still ridiculed at every available opportunity.
There was also no way in hell he was going to let anyone see his knees, not if he could help it. He'd managed to keep their astonishing knobbliness a secret for five whole years, and he was damned if he'd let a bit of sunshine nudge him into taking his trousers off.
Then there was the dilemma of the sand. Remus hadn't removed his shoes once, but he could feel dozens of little grains squidging between his toes whenever he took a step. He'd made Sirius stop several times while he hopped around and emptied the contents of his scuffed brown shoes onto the ground. It didn't matter how hard he scraped the inside of the sole, every single bloody time he put them back on, it felt like he was traversing the Sahara. In slightly damp and very sweaty socks that kept bunching round his ankles.
Remus continued to plod along behind Sirius in his sticky, exhausted and sun-blinded state, not realising that Sirius had stopped walking until he bumped into him, tripped over his own feet (damn things were always getting in the way) and fell over. Spitting out a mouthful of sand, Remus looked around at their surroundings. They were back at the clearing next to the beach. Back where they had started.
"I don't think," Sirius said, extending a hand to Remus carelessly, "that there's anyone else here."
"Oh, right," Remus answered pulling himself up, and dusting off his trousers. His friend looked slightly sheepish and ashamed. "That's just great, you know, bloody amazing, fabulous really, because we're on a desert island without any wands, and we have no clue how we're going to get off, and this is almost definitely your fault-"
"Sssh!" Sirius hissed, grey eyes flashing urgently. Remus was incensed.
"Don't shush me-"
"There's something moving behind that bush." Sirius pointed, trembling with quiet excitement. Remus suppressed the urge to run very fast in the opposite direction.
"Something moving? What do you, er, propose we do?" Remus asked almost silently, trying to sound casually interested and not at all like a 'sissy girl'.
"You go stand over that way, to cut it off if it tries to escape, and I'll creep round and jump on it and pin it to the ground."
"You'll… jump on it, whatever it is." Remus clarified, feeling ever so slightly insane. Sirius nodded, black hair falling over his eyes.
"And pin it to the ground."
"Yeah, I'll pin it to the ground."
"In the event that you don't manage to pin it to the ground, it'll run at… me?"
"Yes, but then you'll pin it to the ground." Sirius started to make his way towards the bush, treading softly through the undergrowth. He looked extremely stupid, in no shirt and jeans, trying to sneak up on the bush. "It's probably only a piglet or something."
"Come back! Pads! What if it's not a piglet?" Remus fidgeted with his sleeves, and looked at the dark green fronds of the shrub, which were quivering slightly, like a bewitched jelly. He didn't feel like mentioning the serious doubts he was having about his ability to pin things down. "What if it has claws?"
Sirius did not appear to have heard this shamefully un-Marauderlike statement, or if he did, he ignored it. He grinned manically at Remus, then mouthed, with all the restrained excitement of a psychopath, 'one… two… three…' before launching himself into the air and crashing into the bush with a mad yell. Whatever it was gave a bloodcurdling squeal, so high-pitched that Remus thought they'd ambushed a piglet after all. This happy thought was soon crushed, however, when Sirius rolled out from behind the bush, grappling with a very familiar, generously-nosed, greasy-haired someone.
"Aagh! Get the fuck off me, you wanker. Stop it! Ow! Look, that hurt, you buggering twatfaced-" Snape was busy trying to keep Sirius as far away as possible (or, failing that, at arm's length) and Sirius, although he obviously realised that Snape was not a curly-tailed farm animal and in fact, a human being (although this was debatable), seemed insistent on slapping Snape around the face and neck repeatedly. Remus watched the scene, biting his lower lip in anxiety as the two boys tussled in the sand. Snape's long tendrils of hair flapped wildly, and hit Sirius in the face, making Sirius growl with disgust and recommence slapping with renewed fervour. Between Snape's noisy, indignant yells and Sirius's taunts, Remus was not surprised when he heard running footsteps behind approaching them.
"Prongs, what on earth do you think we should do?" Remus pleaded, not turning around. The fight was a whirlwind of black hair and black robes and loud threats, and trying to separate the two entities when they were so obviously enthusiastic about hurting each other did not look like a particularly attractive prospect.
"Bloody hell," a voice replied coolly. It was soft and female, and almost certainly not James's, unless James had undergone extreme gender realignment in the half hour they'd left him alone with Peter. Remus turned to stare, and Lily Evans stared back calmly. Her strawberry-red hair was tied back in a ponytail, and she was wearing her gleaming prefect's badge over black robes. She looked as unruffled as one for whom inexplicably turning up on desert islands was a normal occurrence. Stepping forward, she peered at the two boys on the floor, her green eyes flashing. Sirius was banging Snape's head against a tree root. "What the hell are you two doing down there?"
"Nothing," Sirius replied, charming in an instant. He loosened his grip on the other boy's hair and wiped his hands on the front of his jeans, wincing when they came away oily.
"Maniac," Snape whimpered, wriggling out from underneath Sirius. His robes were covered in smudges of dirt and leaves, and his stringy hair was tangled and limp. Dishevelled was clearly Not A Good Look for him.
"Prongs will be just delighted to see you," Sirius assured Lily, scrambling to his feet and pumping her hand up and down good-naturedly. "As am I, of course. Naturally." Lily withdrew her hand, sighing.
"I should have guessed. I just knew this had something to do with you two."
Remus sidled towards Snape awkwardly. Someone, he felt, had to apologise, for the jumping, and the pinning, and the repeated pummelling of the head and torso.
"Hope you're… er… not inconvenienced at all, by-"
"Bloody Merlin, shut up." Snape snarled.
James was acting as dignified as a boy wearing only boxer shorts and a blazer could ever possibly hope to act. Sirius thought it would quite probably be his only redeeming quality in this situation, considering the fact that Evans still a) wanted nothing to do with him, and b) obviously blamed him for everything that had taken place. At least James was managing to finish his sentences without projectile vomiting into Evans's lap. This would probably increase the odds of him pulling from one in a million to one in nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine. Progress.
"Miss Evans," James said courteously, sliding obsequiously onto the log Evans was currently perched on, "I must say again, on behalf of all of us, how very glad we are to have you-"
"Shut up," Lily said tersely, from behind gritted teeth.
"Of course, whatever you want, right," James agreed, and then went back to staring at her with an expression that said quite clearly, 'I am your devoted slave, Evans, I will do your bidding and worship you daily, but you should know that right now I am imagining you in a coconut bra and a grass skirt. With a garland of flowers in your hair'.
"You know, I'm really hot," Lily commented, after a pause, trying distract herself from the intensity of James's loving gaze. At the moment he was staring at her and making occasional contented sounds deep in his throat. It sounded like an odd sort of purring. Sirius detested cats.
"We could fashion you some clothes out of natural fibres," James said eagerly, wiping some drool out of the corner of his mouth. "You know, more airy things. There's plenty of grass… coconuts…"
Sirius sometimes wished James wasn't so transparent.
Remus was sitting near a sleeping Peter in the shade. Snape was sulking a few feet away under a tree, and was refusing to speak to anyone. Peter was curled up in a peaceful ball, sucking on his thumb like an extremely large and pink baby. Remus smoking another of the cigarettes he'd had in his pocket. He was also still wearing his grey jumper, even though it had to be at least thirty… or forty… very hot, anyway. He was staring out at the beach thoughtfully, his hazel eyes scanning the ocean. He glanced at Sirius after a while, who realised he was staring and shook himself.
"How'd you light that?" Sirius asked gruffly, averting his eyes.
"Lighter," Remus answered wryly, blowing the smoke out in Snape's direction, who made a big show of coughing and fanning the air with his spindly fingers. Sirius scowled, and wished him a slow, torturous death caused by something much more dangerous than secondhand smoke – him.
"That's good," Lily said suddenly. "We can use that to make fires, keep us warm when it gets dark, that kind of thing. Make a signal."
"Shouldn't we sort out the sleeping arrangements first?" James contributed eagerly. He blushed, and fiddled with his glasses when Sirius shot him a Look. "I mean, make a shelter. So we have a base."
"That's not a bad idea, but I'd prefer to get off this island as soon as possible," Lily replied curtly. "We should make a fire with Remus's lighter, so that anyone looking for us can find us."
"What makes you think we'll be found?" Snape sneered nastily from underneath the tree, making them jump. "If you lot didn't bring us here – which I still don't believe, by the way – then who's going to be looking for us?"
"All of Hogwarts, you twat. Dumbledore. If we don't show up after a while, they'll know something's up." Sirius said this all in a tone which suggested that Snape was the most inferior life-form he'd ever had the unpleasantness of meeting. "And shut up, wankface."
"Look, stop that," Lily scolded irritably. "The last thing I need right now is you idiots messing around. Wait until you have a whole castle to disrupt, ok?"
"Let's just decide on what to do," Remus said democratically.
"I think we should sort out the beds," James said automatically. "I mean the shelter. It's going to get dark soon... we'll need to stay close. For protection."
"I think we should build a signal first," Lily pouted. She tossed her red hair over her shoulder imperiously, and James nearly swooned with delight. "We do want to be rescued, don't we?"
"I think we should all leave this bloody hole, right now," Snape muttered darkly. No-one paid him or his overlarge nose any attention.
What should happen next? (Sadly, lots of shagging is not an option...) (Poll Closed)
They work out a way to get rescued. (Lily's idea)
They coughset the scene for lots of J/L actioncough build a shelter. (James's idea)
Escape attempt. (Snape's idea.)