Lord Of The Guys: The Third Installment

"I think we should go with Pro… I mean James's idea," Sirius volunteered loyally, after seeing James's horrified expression at the word 'Prongs'. Clearly, nicknames that might make James seem anything other than the embodiment of maturity were Not On, not unless they were suitably squeamish terms of endearment exchanged between him and Evans. Remus glanced downwards at Peter, who was still curled up tightly, a little puddle of drool in the corner of his mouth.

"Wake up, Pete," he called loudly. Peter didn't move. Sirius threw a small rock at the sleeping boy. It bounced magnificently off his head, and landed near Snape, who gazed at it distastefully before grinding it into the sand with his heel. Peter sucked at his thumb in a peaceful slumber, oblivious to all the excitement. Sirius picked up a much bigger rock, grinning.

"Wake up, Peter!" Remus repeated, more loudly, and then, to Sirius, "Put. It. Down." Sirius stopped taking aim and replaced the rock grudgingly. Peter opened his bleary round eyes and glared in Remus's general direction.

"Hello," he mumbled resentfully, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "Where are we going now?"

"We're voting," James informed him, who kept glancing at Lily out of the corner of his eyes. It seemed that he couldn't function properly without gazing at her in adoration, which was unfortunate, as she seemed more than eager to throw sand in his eyes if she caught him ogling again.

"Voting, like in an election?" Peter mumbled eventually, showing about as much interest in the proceedings as a particularly apathetic inkwell would. James nodded, and quickly finger-combed his hair to make his appearance more respectable. It was a bit pointless – politicians rarely obtained votes by wearing half the usual amount of clothing and dragging grubby fingers through locks that would make even the most hardened hairdresser in England quail and seek refuge behind her curling tongs and Readers Digests. Still, it was the thought that counted.

"I elect Prongs," Peter said instantly. Lily groaned.

"You don't even know what we're voting for, Pettigrew. What exactly do you expect Potter to do, if you do elect him?"

"Provide clean, comfortable, communal bedding for everyone," James assured Peter, smiling his best vote-for-me smile. Sirius rolled his eyes. James was doing it all wrong; it was supposed to be more 'lopsided grin' than a full-wattage, 'I-want-to-eat-your-brain-is-that-quite-a lright-officer' beam. "And I promise a shelter, too. My long-term goals are-"
"My long-term goal is that there are no long-term goals," Lily interrupted. "This isn't some kind of holiday; we're not going spend all our time splashing around, sunbathing, wearing flowers in our hair and drinking out of coconuts…"

James's looked distraught as Lily crushed each if his feeble coconut-related plans on How to Score on the Island. Admittedly, he had been envisioned the 'splashing around' to be along the lines of skinny-dipping, and the sunbathing would ideally be topless - for both sexes, of course, James was all for equality. He made a quick mental note to mention that his campaign. Only… he doubted was particularly looking forward to seeing Snape's bare chest. Not that he expected to see it on display; Snape, being the Greasy And Evil one, would probably have some hideous deformity he'd want to hide, like a missing belly-button, or a third nipple.

"… because we want to go back to Hogwarts," Lily finished, wrinkling her freckled nose emphatically. "We don't want to set up a home or anything. You need a good reason if you want to elect someone something… it means that they assume responsibility, that they-"

"I elect Prongs," Peter repeated, sounding highly confused. "Because… he said something about beds… and they'd be useful for… for..."

Lily stared.

"For sleeping on," Peter finished, and stuck his chin out defiantly. Snape made an exasperated noise from underneath his tree.

"Are you in favour of actually doing something about getting out of here?" Lily enquired, turning on him. "Or are you simply going to vote for the shelter, because this is quite obviously a Boys' Club Island and I don't have the required amount of testosterone and body hair to influence anything?"

"Evans, I vote that we try and leave as soon as possible," Snape retorted hotly. "I don't trust this lot at all, I wouldn't blink around them, much less go to sleep… and Black's a raving maniac…"

"I am still here, you know," Sirius interrupted conversationally. "And so is my good friend, Mr Rock." He picked up the large stone sphere and pretended –only Remus wasn't all too certain that he was only pretending – to aim it at Snape's face. "Snape, that nose of yours presents a wonderfully tempting target."

"Eat shit, Black," Snape snarled, but flinched when Sirius faked lobbing the rock at him, but caught it in the palm of his hand.

"Ten minutes without your wands, and you start throwing rocks," Lily moaned in despair. "Why are boys so woefully primitive?"

"I'm not primitive," James objected, sounding deeply hurt. Lily looked him up and down appraisingly, her green eyes flashing.

"You," she said finally, "are not wearing a shirt."

"You noticed!" James exclaimed, ecstatic. If he had been a bird that could puff itself up with pride, he would at that moment have resembled an obese budgerigar. Snape stood up, and shuffled towards the log, making an unnecessarily large detour to avoid Sirius and Mr Rock.

"Can we get on?"

"Er, Pads, would you please put the bloody rock down?" Remus asked, in a voice as non-hysterical as he could muster. Lily was right, it looked as if Sirius had found a Muggle-caveman substitute for the Stunning spell. Sirius's thought pattern was quite easy to decipher; if Snape was knocked unconscious, he wouldn't be such a greasy wanker all the time. Well, he would still be a greasy wanker, but at least he wouldn't be a whiny bitch to boot.

"No, I don't think I will," Sirius said, turning it over and over in his hands and shooting meaningful looks at Snape, who paled visibly underneath the slick layer of sweat on his skin, but ignored him.

"Remus, it's your turn," Lily pointed out. "Black and Pettigrew are supporting Potter, as per usual, and Snape agrees with me, so you have the casting vote. And I hope you use it wisely, because-"

"I hate to say it Lily, but we really should think about getting some rest," Remus cut in. Lily looked as if she'd thought he was the only reasonably sane one all along, and then found him trying on ladies' underwear with his imaginary friend Bob. "Even if we're going to be rescued, we don't know when it's going to be or how it's going to happen-"

"We could be here our whole lives," Snape muttered darkly.

"Don't worry, your whole life may not be as long as you think," Sirius smiled, petting Mr Rock, who appeared to glare at him in a stony sort of way. Remus put his head in his hands dramatically.

"We'd have to pro-create, to ensure the survival of the human race," James put in, ignoring the fact that everyone averted their eyes and cringed when he said this. There was simply no tactful way to play the Mate or Die card.

"We're not the only people left on earth," Lily scoffed. "And even if we were, Potter, I'd do everyone on this island before you. Even Snape." Snape made an offended noise deep in his throat and Lily bit her lip guiltily. "Not that Snape's any… you know… worse of a choice…"

"Calm down, everyone," Remus interrupted, flapping his hands in a teacherly sort of way. This was really unfair – Lily was a girl, and a prefect, and yet he was stuck playing the mother hen. It was most insulting, there was nothing at all maternal about him – unless you counted the biscuity smell, and the fact that he constantly had stuff on his person, like his 'purse' and bandages and, embarrassingly, a thimble. The thimble hadn't even been his, he'd found it in the common room and liked the look of it, he carried bandages because they were a useful thing to have when you got scraped to bits once every month, and well, it was a wallet, not a purse. And it wasn't purple, it was plum. A thoroughly masculine colour. "Let's just build the shelter, and in the morning we can try and leave. We'll probably be home by tomorrow evening – no-one's going to be here all their lives." He looked at them all pleadingly. Snape shrugged and kicked at the sand. Lily pouted and stood up whilst James beamed at her, and Peter yawned, showing off an impressive set of pearly-white molars. Sirius looked back at him and winked approvingly. Remus's stomach clenched for some reason – hunger, most probably, he hadn't eaten for ages – and he shifted his gaze back to Peter.

"You OK with that, 'Tail?" Remus asked in concern. "We're going to build the shelter now. Then we can think about going home."

Peter looked at Remus, bemused. He didn't see why everyone was so bloody keen to leave the island. At least here there was no-one asking why your Charms homework had been handed in late, or laughing at you because you put your clothes on inside out – James did too, once, but everyone believed him when he said he'd done it on purpose – or grousing because they'd had the bad luck to be his partner in Potions, and he'd somehow diced something he shouldn't. The island was paradise, really. Here it was hot, and sunny, and one could sleep and swim and paddle – Crabs. The word popped into Peter's head suddenly. The word popped into Peter's head suddenly. This wasn't paradise, it was a tiny spit of land infested with buggering, exoskeletoned pests. Peter's face hardened as he remembered when one of them clamped its claws over his big toe.

"You look constipated," Snape told him, breaking Peter out of his reverie.

"I'll help then," Peter scowled. "As long as I get somewhere to sleep."

Building the shelter had not been easy. It had not been easy to build a sanctuary for six people with no wands, or string, or knives. Sirius dutifully 'sharpened' a rock for half an hour, but it had all the bluntness of a wooden spoon. It had not been easy to organise James, whose atrocious concentration could only be excused by that that he was 'in love', Peter, who tried to kill a wandering crab by dismantling part of the frame and throwing it at it whilst shrieking incomprehensibly, Snape, who did as little as possible and kept muttering swearwords under his breath, and Sirius, who really made an effort, but kept checking to see if his chest was getting bronzed. This usually drew Remus's attention to it as well, and then whatever train of thought he had been embarking on usually pulled out of the station and chugged far away.

However difficult actually building the shelter was, it was nothing compared to actually getting everyone to agree where to sleep in it.

Peter wanted to sleep next to James. Sirius wanted to sleep next to James. James wanted to sleep with Lily. What Lily really wanted was to smack James upside the head, but she said the only person she could tolerate going to bed next to was Remus. Remus didn't want to be one of the three corners in some twisted love triangle. Snape wanted to hex them all and go and sulk somewhere quiet, but luckily he didn't have a wand, and Sirius tripped him up when he was about to storm off.

"So really, I should sleep with Lily, Sirius by Peter, and Remus by Snape becausehe'stheonlyonewhocanstandhim," James suggested finally, shooting Remus an 'I'm-Going-To-Buy-You-A-Really-Big-Book-T o Make-Up-For-This' look.

"I'm not sleeping with you!" Lily exclaimed for the twentieth time. "I don't want to be having another one of my dreams about clowns and then suddenly find myself being fondled-"

"Why can't I sleep with Moony, then?" Sirius demanded. James shrugged, and Peter, after a pause, looked suitably offended. "I only don't want to sleep with Pete, because remember that last time when I woke up and he'd been sucking my elbow?"

"Oi!" Peter objected, flushing. He punched Sirius feebly, the humiliation turning his round face scarlet.

"I'm not sleeping with Black or Potter," Snape announced to the company loudly. "And I'd rather sleep in a dank hole by the rocks somewhere… than with the Mudblood."

"Who the hell do you think-?" James began to bellow, stopping when Lily put a hand on his arm. James flinched, stunned at the unexpected contact. Lily looked perfectly composed, but her cheeks were slightly redder than usual.

"Fuck you," she said, and walked off, her black robes sweeping elegantly over the sand. James stared at Snape with a disbelieving look on his face, and then ran after her, the lapels of his blazer flapping in the wind. Snape didn't apologise. He gazed out across the rapidly darkening sea, to where the sun was setting. Nobody spoke, and Peter fiddled unhappily. Eventually, Sirius grabbed Remus's wrist and wrenched him into the shelter.

The dying light shone through the thatch of leaves and twigs, dappling the hard ground with gold. Sirius squatted on one of the grass beds and looked at Remus, kneeling near the entrance. Remus held his breath and stared back. Suddenly Sirius grinned, a wide smile breaking out on his face, like the sun through the clouds on a stormy day. Remus laughed in relief.

"We're sharing a space, right?" Sirius beamed. "There's no way you'll catch me within ten feet of Snivellus. Or Pete, even."

Remus didn't bother to point out that for that to be a possibility, the shelter would have to be at least eleven feet wide. Which it most certainly was not. He nodded and peered back through the leaves. Snape was walking by the shore, letting the tide lap up at his feet, and Peter was watching sullenly, a few yards away, hands stuffed resolutely in pockets.

"What about Prongs and Lily?"

"Him and Evans might not even come back tonight," Sirius replied, his grey eyes gleaming. Remus sighed.

"You always have to think like that, don't you?"

"I didn't mean it that way," Sirius protested, scratching his bare forearm. "I just meant… she's upset. Understandably. I would be too, if a slimy git like Snivellus said that about me. Prongs wouldn't take advantage of her or anything."

"I should hope not," Remus muttered. Sirius laughed, and he looked up in surprise.

"You sound like a teacher, Moony. I should hope not! Come closer, you're not going to sit by the door all night, are you? I mean, I can understand if you're trying to keep Snivellus out, but there are much, much, better ways…"

Remus shifted awkwardly and crawled a short way over to where Sirius was sitting. It was really quite cramped – they couldn't lean against the walls or else the whole thing would collapse – and they were a bit too close for comfort. A cool evening breeze rustled through the shelter, and Sirius shivered, his shoulders knocking against Remus.

"Where's your shirt?" Remus asked.

"I left it where you found me," Sirius retorted, rubbing himself vigorously to keep warm. "It had Prongs's puke all down the back, did you really expect me to keep it on? Contrary to popular belief, I have standards."

"You could wash it," Remus suggested, lying down in a crooked fashion and trying to see if it was a more comfortable position. It wasn't.

"No, I think burning's the more attractive option," Sirius answered, following suit. "With that lighter of yours… trust you to have your fags on you when you get transported to a desert island. Cheating, really."

"Mmm," Remus hummed. He rolled over onto his side with some difficulty, and a blade of grass poked into his mouth.

"What are you going to do," Sirius asked, speaking with his eyes closed, "when time starts running out?"

"I've only got three more left," Remus answered, patting the pack in his trousers. "No point in rationing them."

"You daft bugger- I meant the… you know… moon."

"Oh fuck," Remus whispered, horrified. "Fuckohfuckohfuckohfuck." Sirius opened his eyes in alarm, and sat up as far as he could without putting his head through the roof.

"What? Moony-"

"I could kill everyone here," Remus wailed in a strangled whisper. "I can't believe I forgot – I'm so fucking stupid – what am I going to do?"

"Well, you'd only kill Snape, as three of us can change and Prongs wouldn't let you anywhere near Evans," Sirius said matter-of-factly. "So it's actually not that bad – mate, stop hyperventilating."

"Snape knows already," Remus choked out, digging his bitten fingernails into the earth, unable to understand why Sirius wasn't panicking. This was clearly a time to panic. "I can't believe it hasn't occurred to him yet – and if Lily finds out -"

"She won't," Sirius promised, clasping Remus's hands in his to stop him from tearing up the floor. "Look, you've got about two weeks to go before that happens. You said yourself we could be back by tomorrow evening."

"I – was – talking – utter – crap," Remus hissed. "I was trying to stop you battering Snape with Mr Rock."

"Look, don't worry," Sirius shushed. He put his arms around Remus, trying to stop him from shaking as much as anything else. "It'll be fine, we'll sort it, don't worry. Ssh, right? It'll be alright." Remus trembled for a while, then lay still, breathing heavily.

"Fine. If you say so."

"I do say so."

There was a pause.

"Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"You're kind of crushing… my ribs. Bear hugs really aren't all they're cracked up to be." Sirius loosened his hold reluctantly.

"You're keeping me warm, though." Remus rolled his eyes in amusement.

"I'll take off my jumper, you can wear it."

"It's more fun this way," Sirius replied playfully. "Crushing you." He let go awkwardly, and Remus tried, unsuccessfully, to struggle out of his jumper with about a square centimetre's space to move in. After the third go at trying to ram his head through the left arm hole, he admitted defeat.

"Er. It's not working, is it?"

"No," Sirius agreed, shaking his dark head. "Leave it, I'm not that cold. Let's just sleep."

Remus turned away, to face the wall, and Sirius did too, yawning. It took a few minutes' of companionable silence before he realised he was spooning him. Sirius shook his head in embarrassment, and tried to roll over discreetly, but Remus turned around and glared, his hazel eyes wide and complaining.

"Quit moving around."

"Your hair was in my mouth," Sirius protested feebly, and settled down, his back pressing stiffly against Remus's. The coarse wool tickled his spine, but he didn't want to scratch it and annoy Remus even more.

"G'night."

Who should have the first kiss? (Poll Closed)

James and Lily.
Remus and Sirius.
Peter and Snape.
Other (please specify, you know the drill).