Lord Of The Guys: The Fourth Installment
When Remus woke up, Sirius wasn't there.
It felt like he'd only just left, because Remus had only just noticed the sudden chill against his back. The other boy was supposed to be keeping him warm. Remus rubbed his goosepimply forearms through his shirt, yawning. There was no point in his trying to fall asleep without the heat and comfort of someone doing the same thing right next to him… although Peter's grubby foot was mashed up against his face, so that probably counted for… something. In some parallel universe where the ripe aroma of Wormtail's feet didn't make him gag. After extracting all the little piggies from his mouth, Remus sat up and surveyed his surroundings blearily.
Peter was dozing close by, snoring like an anteater with blocked nasal passages, and looking cheerfully oblivious to the fact that Snape's greasy head was resting on his chest, one of his arms draped over Peter's round stomach. Snape's face, when they had the misfortune to come across it on their jaunts around the castle, had always had a superior sneer permanently plastered on it, but one might have hoped that, when the boy was asleep, he let his guard down and smiled. A happy smile, not an 'eat-shit-you-are-lower-than-the-worms' smirk, but a genuine smile. Alas, this was not the case. Snape's sleeping expression was one of utter disgust, his upper lip curled in frozen contempt. Remus felt slightly irritated by this lack of niceness. Even whilst napping, Snape managed to find new ways to be offensive.
Lily lay pressed to the opposite wall, her uniform black cloak draped over her sleeping form. The strawberry red fronds of hair framed the curve of her cheek, but her face was turned away, tucked into herself and the ersatz bedclothes. She looked extremely vulnerable and fragile in the bluish-yellow morning light. Remus didn't want to put Lily, of all people, in any danger. Quite apart from devastating Prongs, he'd never forgive himself. The moon would continue to do its thing, but he'd find a way to get them home before it waxed completely.
James, like Sirius, was nowhere to be seen, and the two were presumably AWOL together somewhere on the island, discussing how best to grill Snape on an open fire. Remus breathed a sigh of relief. He'd half been expecting Lily's cloak to move suddenly and a Quidditch-tousled head to emerge from its folds, but despite his obvious stupidity and lack of tact, James was too much of a gentleman to do anything like that. Remus privately suspected that some time on the island might alter Lily's perception that James was an arrogant, vain show-off with more knowledge of hexes than sense (regardless of how accurate a portrait that was) to something slightly more pleasant.
Remus crawled gingerly over the slumbering bodies and climbed out of the entrance, rubbing his eyes and pulling blades of dried grass out of his hair. His stomach rumbled ominously, and his mind sprung to the Hogwarts breakfast. Scones, bacon, eggs, porridge. Snape was sure to whinge if he didn't get something to eat soon, and although James had tried eating grass as Prongs, it gave him terrible indigestion. Remus would have to sort that out sooner or later… not that he was being stuck with the 'mother hen' role or anything. Cluck, cluck.
In the early morning, the sun wasn't as glaring as it had been previously, and the heat wasn't nearly as oppressive. He could actually look at the sea without being blinded by the reflection of the postcard-perfect sky in the water. The lack of sunlight hadn't dulled the island in any way; it simply gave everything a crisp, cool quality, as opposed to the mad technicolour of midday. Remus waggled his toes, and heard a miserable squelching noise. He'd slept in his shoes. Remus undid his trainers, yanked off his greying socks and padded to the shore eagerly, letting the miniscule waves wash over his feet.
"I thought you hated the water," Sirius commented dryly, from a few yards behind him. Remus turned around, feeling the spray of the ocean in his hair.
"I do," Remus answered matter-of-factly, wading out of the swash to join his friend. He cast a sardonic gaze over his shoulder at the navy-green depths. "But, unlike you, I normally wash myself at least twice a day. So I do actually have to tolerate water once in a while."
"I shower, you knob," Sirius objected, poking Remus in the ribs. "I just don't take poncy baths." He fell into step alongside his friend, kicking at the sand, which clung to the damp ends of their trouser-legs determinedly. Remus didn't bother to point out that it felt gritty and disgusting.
"Where's Prongs?"
"Went for a walk."
"Why?"
"TO CLEAR HIS HEAD!" Sirius bellowed exuberantly. His voice rang out like a trumpet over the beach, and in the mesh of trees, indignant squawking could be heard from the parrots, who'd been having a nice lie-in. They launched themselves into the air, circling about like vultures on speed. Remus stared at Sirius, who grinned sheepishly, and ran a hand through his hair, which was starting to rival James's in the bird's nest stakes. "It was just– you know. Getting too quiet."
"Some people like the quiet," Remus pointed out, as their path curved in a sandy circle. "Some people don't feel the need to burst a few eardrums if the noise level falls below a certain number of decibels."
"Some people grow moustaches," Sirius shrugged.
"I'm sorry?"
"Some people grow moustaches, but I wouldn't want to. I'm just not like some people." Sirius shrugged again, his bare shoulders hunching carelessly. They already looked browner, although that may have been dirt. "Apparently Prongs and Evans had a big Chat for hours last night."
"About?"
"Er. Snape, obviously. And other things, like… school. And stuff. Which just goes to show," Sirius glanced at a yellow-backed crab a few yards ahead of them that was scuttling purposefully in the direction of the shelter. If Peter woke up suddenly, someone was sure to be on the receiving end of a nasty shock. "Prongs knows nothing but nothing about girls."
"How'd you come up with that?"
"Well. You don't talk about… school with birds. Even you know that, Moony."
"What do you talk about?"
"Er. Romantic poetry. How beautiful they are. How nice the dress they're wearing looks on them. How you've never felt this way about any girl before. Your secret soft spot for small children and fluffy animals etc, etc, ad vomitum."
"Ad nauseam," Remus corrected, grinning. "To sickness."
"Whatever. With Prongs it usually ends in vomit," Sirius retorted, digging his toes into the sand. "Anyway, you don't talk about school and homework and life with girls, honestly. You talk about stuff like that to your mates, who shut you up anyway if you get boring. I talk to you about stuff like that all the time. Only you never shut me up, because I'm never boring, am I? Am I am I am I?"
"I try to shut you up all the time, only you never listen," Remus pointed out. "You know, at least that means he's improving his tactics. If he didn't try to kiss her or anything."
"Oh, but he did," Sirius exclaimed, looking gleeful.
"Christ," Remus swore, stopping in his tracks. "How did Lily react?"
"I asked him that," Sirius replied, his eyes gleaming joyfully. "And that was when he went all mumbly and went off to 'clear his head'. Possibly she may have slapped him."
"Christ," Remus repeated, full of horrified sympathy for James, daft bugger that he was. He'd just been rejected. Again.
"They're still on better terms than they've ever been, face-slapping or no. They came back together. And they certainly have one thing in common, their mutual loathing for Snivellus." Sirius cocked his head comically. "Hey, I share that too. Maybe we should have a threesome!"
"You are foul," Remus informed his friend, brushing his light-brown hair off his forehead. "Also, if you so much as casually remark in James's presence that you find Lily attractive in the slightest, he'll turn into Prongs and gore you with his antlers."
"Awfully primitive way of chasing off potential suitors," Sirius mused, not sounding too disappointed at the threesome idea being crushed.
"No less primitive than the way Padfoot marks his territory," Remus commented. Sirius gave him a rough push, and then tried not to look concerned when Remus nearly fell over.
"It's going to happen between them anyway," Remus said, once he'd finished imitating a wobbly tightrope artist. He was trying to get himself used to the idea of an actual Lily-James relationship, one where the feeling was reciprocated and didn't merely consist of stolen hair scrunchies – 'This one's still got some of her hair on it, look!' and exasperated conversations where Lily sometimes had to threaten bodily harm to stop James 'subtly' bringing up the next Hogsmeade weekend. "Both of them, they've got really strong personalities. They're trapped on this island, with all this unresolved – I dunno - tension, and sooner or later, it's going to happen. It can't not.
Sirius, who had been listening to this short speech with uncharacteristic silence, turned and gave Remus an Odd Look. It was the kind of look people who had never even heard of Shakespeare gave Remus when he corrected their grammar. It was the kind of look Remus received whenever he forgot to wipe off the foam moustache from his hot chocolate. Out of habit, Remus began to self-consciously lift his hand to wipe his upper lip, but Sirius caught his hand in midair, and leant forward - treading painfully on his toes, ouch - and then placed his mouth over his.
It wasn't anything mind-blowing. It was the briefest of kisses, and gentle, like a dazed moth knocking absent-mindedly against the lamp that gave it the headache in the first place. It was incredibly quick, so that if you'd blinked in shock like Remus did, you'd have missed it completely. He only felt the warmth of Sirius's face being so close to him, only millimetres away, and felt the soft swell of his friend's lips bumping awkwardly against his mouth. Remus stumbled backwards after just a second of the contact, because he had huge, horrible feet that were always getting in the way, and Sirius had stepped on them, and he'd lost his balance for about the fifth time that morning, and if he fell backwards into the sand then the practical joke would have worked better than anyone could have anticipated.
After Remus broke the kiss, Sirius just looked at him, his grey eyes bright and shining. The surf crashing on the beach was deafeningly loud. The clearness of the day, the clarity of everything, was hurting Remus's eyes. Sirius was still holding Remus's hand; the pad of his thumb was pressing against his knuckles insistently. Remus waited patiently for the gale of laughter.
When it didn't come, Remus's hazel eyes widened, then narrowed in confusion. He snatched his hand free of Sirius's, which fell limply to its owner's side. Because Sirius was acting like a raving lunatic by not laughing, Remus laughed instead, to fill the gaping silence. It came out as a short, bewildered snigger, because he couldn't think of anything better to do with his mouth, which was tingling furiously. Remus's lips felt hot and swollen and all wrong. His heart wasn't so much racing as doing the 75m hurdles.
"Very funny," Remus laughed hopefully. Sirius stared at him. And then, all at once Remus's heart stopped doing the 75m hurdles, as abruptly as if it had rammed into a brick wall.
"Hey - Lupin? Black?"
"Lily," Remus breathed gratefully. "Lily!" Remus shouted her name back over the sand enthusiastically, waving both arms like a drowning man. He knew he was being a complete twat to ignore what had just happened, but the absurdity of the situation had put him completely out of his depth. Lily stumbled closer, evidently having decided that it was too hot for robes. She was wearing her pleated grey school skirt and white shirt. Lily looked so incongruously normal that Remus felt an overwhelming urge to hug her. As long as she didn't flip out like Sirius, mistake the hug for a wanton embrace and kiss him. Oh God. He tried not to hop impatiently from one foot to the other as Lily walked towards them. He tried not to look at Sirius, who didn't say anything at all.
Oh God.
"Are you two alright?" Lily asked, once she was near enough not to shout. "You haven't been fighting, or anything? Only you look a bit bizarre, Remus, and Black looks-"
"I'm fine," Sirius said coolly. Remus kept a fixed grin on his face. He didn't have a bloody clue what Sirius looked like, because there was no way he was going to turn and make eye contact with him. Ever. He'd spend the rest of his life coyly averting his eyes. Oh God.
"Are you OK?" Lily asked Remus pointedly, rolling up her sleeves. 'I'm fine,' Remus wanted to say. 'By all rights I should be freezing my arse off in a castle in Scotland, but for some inexplicable reason I'm on a desert island with a crab-molester, and my best friend was sick on my other best friend's shirt, which is why he's not wearing a shirt, as I'm sure you've noticed, because how could you not notice, and he's standing right beside me not wearing a shirt, and we were just talking about you actually, and then he kissed me and he didn't make it funny afterwards and I don't now know what to do and is this what a heart attack feels like, and I really need a fag rightaboutnow oh fuck.'
"Of course," Remus said, beaming and hoping his cheek-muscles wouldn't give out under the strain. "I'm fine."
Did Lily see anything?
Yes! Everything! She was see-ing and saw-ing all over the place.
No, she saw nothing. Stop bothering my client. Next Question.
This question does NOT smack of dead plot bunnies - what should happen next? I won't necessarily use these, but I might.
The James/Lily.
More!
Less!
Just throw UST at me, and I'm easy.
Kill them off. Now.
Kill them off, as well as Peter and Snape, so that the boysex can commence.