Lord Of The Guys: The Fifth Installment
Breakfast was every dietician's dream… fresh, healthy fruit. A good half-hour's foraging for food had yielded only a handful of papayas, four bruised oranges, and a clump of sinister-looking mushrooms that Peter found in a clearing. Snape had assured Peter that the 'shrooms were perfectly edible, but Remus, knowing all too well Snape's extensive knowledge of poisonous fungi, grabbed the herbs and lobbed them into the sea. They had fizzed unnervingly in the water for a few seconds, expelling a dark green liquid, and then were washed away with the tide. Peter had watched the spectacle with wide, horrified eyes, and Snape pouted sulkily and stalked off, probably to plan his next murder attempt.
The only coconut tree they'd managed to find was about twelve feet high, and James had almost broken his unwashed neck trying to climb it, having fallen spectacularly from his perch three-quarters of the way up the trunk. After landing heavily on the ground –well, Sirius – below, and ensuring that neither of their bones were broken, he'd wanted to do it again immediately. This moved Lily enough to call him a 'bloody fool'. James had settled for throwing Remus's shoes at the coconuts, in an attempt to dislodge them, but all he managed to do was create a brief hail of oversized footwear.
There was a distinctly subdued air around the small cooking fire as they munched on their breakfast. Peter mournfully speared his papaya on the end of a sharp stick and tried to roast it, to see if it would taste any better. Unfortunately, the fruit slid off the wood and into the fire, and when Peter retrieved it, he burned the tips of his fingers badly. Stubbornly waving away all offers of help, he began to suck both his fingers and the ashy papaya, while everyone else waved away that the scent of scorched flesh smelt a lot better than what they were currently eating.
"Fuck!" Snape exclaimed, after biting hungrily into one of the oranges. "This thing isn't even bloody ripe yet."
Remus peered at the yellow sphere, which Snape had let roll into his lap. Scarlet juice leaked from the tear.
"That's because it's a grapefruit," he told Snape officiously, who picked up the offending fruit and hurled it into the trees, then wiped off his robe. He was the only one still fully dressed in boots and school robes, despite the heat - his long hair was plastered to the back of his neck, and trickles of sweat could be seen running down his scalp.
"I hate grapefruits," Snape scoffed, wiping his brow. "They're nothing but antisocial oranges. Give me a string of sausages any day."
"Mmm," James murmured in agreement, munching at his slice of papaya with a concentrated savagery. "Or a meat pie – just out of the oven."
"Or a beef burger, with lashings of tomato ketchup," Sirius growled. Peter made an odd mewling noise, and sucked at his thumb with greater gusto.
"Bacon," Lily said reverently, her eyes closed, as if she were visualising the lavish feast before her. "Rashers of really, really fatty bacon, all crispy and glistening…"
Remus shifted awkwardly in his seat. Just his luck to be trapped on an island of closet carnivores.
"You know what I really want?" Remus asked tentatively. They all looked up, eyes hopeful, waiting for another detailed description of meat-craving. "Toast!" Remus said, after a dramatic pause. "Just regular, stodgy, old-fashioned t-"
"I wouldn't mind fish, even," Peter complained loudly. There was a loud rumble and everyone looked to the heavens fearfully, before a secondary gurgle confirmed that the noise was Peter's stomach.
"That's it, I'm going fishing," James said decisively. He stood up and removed his blazer in a heroic fashion. "Snape, Sirius, Pete, you come with me. We'll have grilled fish for lunch, ok?"
"Or crab," Peter suggested. "We could go down by the rock pools and skewer a couple of crabs."
"Aren't the crabs tiny?" Snape sneered, pushing himself up onto his feet. "What's the point wasting all that time and energy for one salty mouthful?"
"Er," Remus interrupted. "Why aren't Lily and I included on this fishing trip?"
"Well," James said, looking momentarily embarrassed, "it's - unseemly for womenfolk to provide the food, and someone has to look after her while we're away, and since you don't like getting wet, Moony, it should be you." James beamed apologetically, but Remus's eyes were tracking Snape's face, which had turned a fetching shade of puce at the name 'Moony' and was now wearing a look of horrified realisation. Snape knew.
"I see," Lily laughed wryly. "So, having breasts automatically makes me a liability, does it?" James looked very much as if he would like to say that Lily's breasts automatically made her something very complimentary, actually, but thankfully, he didn't comment. Snape was still staring at Remus in abject horror, and noticing, Sirius gave him a surreptitious kick on the shin. Snape whirled around, shooting Sirius a look of loathing. Snape opened his mouth to speak, and Remus cringed.
"Shut up, you git, Evans doesn't know," Sirius muttered, under his breath, but not sufficiently under his breath that no-one heard. James looked at Remus in alarm, his face pale, and Peter's mouth dropped so far open that it was a wonder his chin didn't graze his knees.
"Know what?" Lily asked, oblivious to the tension.
"That Remus – Remus is really the one we're leaving behind," Sirius answered, coming to the rescue. "He's got awful co-ordination and he trips over his own feet, 'cause they're so huge, and he's just be a nuisance." He grinned ingratiatingly. "You're just the babysitter, Evans."
Remus was inordinately grateful to Sirius for saving him, but felt a thrill of indignation at his supposed incompetence. He wasn't utterly useless at – manly things. They should have left Peter behind, at that. Remus tried to mouth his thanks at Sirius from behind Lily's back, but for some reason, the boy wouldn't meet his eye.
"Oh, I'll baby-sit," Lily laughed, not noticing that anything was wrong, or the fact that Peter was tugging at James's arm, the penny having dropped. "Hurry up and catch some fish, menfolk."
"Will do," James replied amiably, and then half-dragged Snape and Peter up the slope towards the trees, for fear that one of them would say anything. Sirius lingered by the fire for a moment. It took Remus a couple of seconds to realise that he was looking at him, but when he raised his head in surprise, Sirius darted after the others, his bare back already brown. Remus watched him go, flushing. He guessed they weren't going to pretend the kiss had never happened, like he'd hoped.
"I do wish James would find a shirt," Lily mused, putting out the fire with the sleeve of James's blazer. "His chest is so distracting." Remus started, because he'd been thinking the exact same thing about… someone else.
"They're all going to get sunburnt," he said, awkwardly. "We're the only sensible ones. Well – us and Snape."
"Snape's hardly sensible, if he's going to insist on wearing his robes all the time," Lily scorned. "And I'm not taking my shirt off for a second, not with James around."
"He's not around now," Remus said, then cursed himself as Lily's jade green eyes widened. Really didn't mean it like that. "Er. I didn't mean-"
"It's okay," Lily grinned. She looked out onto the horizon. "Speaking of which, are you and Black… okay?"
"Okay?" Remus echoed, wishing his voice wasn't about two octaves too high. If James and his glasses had been in the vicinity, they would have cracked from the pitch. "Okay? We're more than okay. Well, we're just okay. Nothing more, nothing less. You know?"
"No Remus, I don't," Lily answered. Remus took a deep, calming breath. Oxygen was helpful at a time like this, especially when his lungs were constricting so much that he thought he was going to faint.
"We're okay. Are you – are you and James okay?" Lily sighed in reply.
"There is no 'me and James'. We're just – amazingly – friends. Acquaintances, really."
"Same," Remus nodded. "Well, obviously not acquaintances, and not with James – not that I'm not with James – but Sirius and I are friends. Of course."
"You're not making sense, Remus," Lily whispered.
"I know," Remus agreed. He touched the spot where Sirius had kissed him unconsciously, then snatched his hand away, heart thudding. "Don't you think 'acquaintance' is a bit of an informal way to describe someone you've known for six years?"
"There aren't words to describe Potter," Lily responded curtly, letting down her wavy red hair, so it fell just past her shoulders. "Woah – that feels good." A cool breeze was blowing across the island, offering some respite from the glare of the sun. Remus looked up into the vast blueness of the sky, where something was soaring down to the island, flapping its wings steadily. Lily followed his gaze. "Hey – is that an owl?"
The menfolk's fishing trip was a huge success. Peter was at the head of the returning party, his round face pink and grinning. He wielded a stick that was sharpened at both ends – and impaled at one end was a tiny crab, too small to see from a distance. Peter carried the crab aloft, as proudly as if it were a woolly mammoth he'd managed to bring back to camp.
Snape was next. He'd finally removed his robe, but the reason why was evident – he was soaked. His white and transparent school shirt was plastered to his scrawny chest, and his the water in his boots slopped wetly onto the sand as he walked. His dark hair was slicked back behind his ears, and he was clutching his nose tightly. He didn't look at anyone, merely stomped over to a tree and sat down underneath it, nursing his face.
Sirius and James were last, both carrying a slimy grey fish in each hand. Sirius was smiling modestly, but James could hardly contain his excitement. He waved the fish madly at Lily as they walked towards the dying fire. It slipped out of his hands and fell wetly on his head. Attractive, Remus thought.
"Well done," Lily said approvingly to Sirius and James. "I didn't think you'd manage to get anything, to tell you the truth."
"One of them's Snape's," James admitted, puffing out his chest with pride, and laying the catch down on a rock. Remus squirmed and moved away. Dead fish were… not nice.
"Why's he sulking, then?" Remus asked. Sirius and James exchanged knowing glances.
"He got all snarky when he managed to nab one, so I pushed him – really gently - and he slipped, fell in the water and banged his nose," Sirius said, grinning happily. "It's not broken or anything, and I told him it couldn't possibly swell any bigger, but – he took it badly." Snape looked up, and somehow divining that they were talking about him, made an extremely rude gesture with both hands.
"I caught two of them," James cut in. "See, Lils? I'm an excellent provider, as well as being stunningly handsome."
"I caught the biggest one, you twat," Sirius shushed, giving James a shove. "What matters now is that someone's got to clean them – and I think it should be Peter, as he didn't help at all."
"I did too!" Peter protested, face red with indignation. He waved the end of his stick with the crab under their noses. It measured about three centimetres across. "I got a crab! None of you losers caught a crab."
"He kept missing the fish, so he buggered off to the rock pools and caught a crab," Sirius informed them. "You were meant to get excited about it."
"Did you have fun by yourselves, you two?" James asked Remus kindly. Out of the blue, Sirius turned and shot Remus a Look. "We were gone an awfully long time."
"Oh, we meant to tell you earlier," Remus answered, his stomach clenching uncomfortably. Did Sirius have to keep looking at him when he least expected it? "While you were fishing – we got mail. Dumbledore knows we're here."
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
My dear children,
Needless to say, it did not escape my notice when six of my students unexpectedly went missing last night. Imagine my surprise when I employed the several means at my disposal to ascertain your whereabouts and discovered you to be, not gallivanting in Hogsmeade as I first suspected, Mr Black, but in the tropics!
Evidently this is a case of powerful magic gone awry – unless you wished to be stranded on a desert island, which would be no great hardship to endure, as I shall always remember with the greatest fondness my holiday seventeen years ago in Thailand – but I digress. Naturally, my main concern is to retrieve you all and bring you safe and sound back to Hogwarts, to resume your studies. Alas, Apparation to your location is out of the question, and organising a cross-continental Portkey shall be no mean feat. (I expect that explaining to the Minister exactly why I require such a method of transportation shall prove particularly amusing.)
Rest assured, as soon as I am able to convince the Ministry (and as soon as I have toiled through the necessary paperwork) you will be restored. Perhaps if you were to explain in your (immediate, I trust) reply how you arrived on the island, it would aid me in the process? I hope you will all behave with much more sense that you are given credit for, and will not squabble needlessly until you are back in school and your Heads can allocate punishment accordingly. As an old friend of mine is wont to say; Constant vigilance!
Albus Dumbledore
P.S. Personal secrets are a delicate thing, especially in these circumstances, and it is entirely up to the individual as to whether he or she divulges them. You have my word that I shall not leave you stranded for so long that problems may begin to arise, but in the meantime, none of you should breach a comrade's trust.
P.P.S. Enclosed is a package which I feel will prove useful for your remaining time on the island. Soap, toothpaste, toothbrushes (if necessary, someone should demonstrate to Mr Potter what these items are used for) and a sturdy pocket knife have been provided, as well as a few other… trifles.
P.P.P.S. I do hope you all return with magnificent tans.
Ok, so this poll will work a bit differently. I'll pick the THREE most popular items, but you can only vote for TWO. If you vote for more, I'll know. So, I pick THREE, you vote TWICE. Got that?
What else is in Dumbledore's package? Pick ONLY two.
Full English Breakfast.
Condoms.
Face-paint.
A giant shell.
Diaries.
A towel.
Tin of sherbert lemons.
One of their wands.
Homework.