Disclaimer: I still own nothing.
Notes: Lee's thoughts on the whole mess. At the end I tried to tie things into another reason why he would go along with the mutiny at the end of last season.
Captain Lee Adama had always felt it was best to think, then act. So, in a way, it was lucky that he had always been a fast learner. It had helped him stay ahead of even the more impetuous students at the academy and it helped him aboard Galactica as well. He knew it was best to know every angle before jumping in head first. No, Lee was never one to act impulsively. He knew that some situations called for a person like that, but more often than not it would get you killed out here. Even though it drove others crazy to wait while he worked out problems in his head Lee was happy with that aspect of her personality and he wouldn't change it.
And he really did believe that most of the time. It wasn't until he would sneak a glance at her, those rare times when they weren't screaming at each other that he would find another truth—there was one thing he wished he could just do without a second thought. It was embarrassing but true that he, Apollo, wanted desperately to kiss one Kara Thrace.
He had no idea what her reaction would be and there in lied the problem. He wasn't worried about angering her. He had been the cause of that infamous anger too many times to count. He wasn't worried about her kissing him back because then…well that was a fantasy he tried not to indulge in too often. What he was afraid of was offending her to the point of losing the fragile relationship they did have at the moment—however it could be defined.
He contemplated what was no his Great Starbuck Debate far too often. He had long ago given up trying to figure out his attraction to her. In fact, the more he thought of her, the more he realized how well the two of them would complement each other. And so, he gather information, he mentally recorded each interaction, and when he had learned enough he could do it. Then and only then.
Recently they had taken to fighting all the time but that really didn't bother Lee all that much. He was privy to a well-guarded Starbuck secret—she only lost it like that with two types of people. The first, and largest group was those who she really did hate. The people she wouldn't even attempt civility with. Tigh belonged in this group. The second, and far more select group, was those who she trusted enough to know that no matter how much she screamed they would never leaver her. He might not know how she would react to a kiss but Lee knew he was in this second group. It was a step forward by his calculations.
In fact, he had been pretty confident until she slept with Dr. Baltar. It was then he was reminded that Kara was someone who just took what she wanted. There was no way she was waiting around for him to make his move. If she wanted him she would have let him know by now. The sudden pain was so intense that he lashed out. He hit her back. You didn't have to have Lee's thought process to see that as a giant step back.
And now she was gone. Now that he had had the time to reflect on their last vicious encounter and realize the passion that had been in bother of them. Now that he realized his pain had been reflected in her eyes, not just the anger. Now that he knew the truth of her feelings. Now she was gone. He had hit her back and she left.
While Kara wasn't as strong as the front she put up, Lee knew that logically something more must have been going on in order for her to leave. It couldn't have just been him. But it didn't stop him from blaming himself at the core of his emotions. Gods she drove him crazy! She had no idea what her leaving would do to him. No idea the mess she left behind, the hole she left wide open. Lee no longer looked for indications that he should make a move. Now he looked for indications that she would make it back alive. And until then he would work on listening to his heart first.