Love Song

Chapter Six- Everything Changes Eventually

By darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning!

Thanks again to GhostHelwig for being the best Beta no money can buy.

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Kou laid a comforting hand on Doku's shoulder, drawing his attention.

"You've been moping for days," Kou said softly. "Care to tell me what this is about?"

Doku gazed at his friend with glazed eyes. The depth of Doku's obvious pain surprised Kou. He knew a little of his friend's past, but he thought Doku had already dealt with his demons. What had changed?

"You know I killed my mother," Doku said, voice thick with guilt.

"Yes. We've talked about that," Kou replied, relieved his friend was finally talking. If there was one thing he understood about pain, it was that sharing it with someone always put things back in perspective.

"I told you it was self-defense, but really, that's just what the law called it. It was murder. I wasn't defending myself. I was trying to save my brother."

"Your… brother?" Kou asked, clearly shocked. Doku had never so much as hinted that he had any family, much less a brother.

"He's my half-brother, actually. We shared the same father. My mother raised us both, but she couldn't stand having him around. He was a painful reminder to her of my father's betrayal. She couldn't punish him since he was dead, so she took all her anger out on my brother. One day, she took it too far and I had to kill her to save his life." Doku took a deep, steadying breath and Kou waited patiently for the rest of the story.

"I'm ashamed to say it, but I began to resent him for making me have to do that. She was my mother and I loved her. I just- I couldn't let her kill him. So after I did my time, I never searched him out. I knew he was in foster care somewhere. I could've found him easily… but I didn't. I didn't want to see him again and face my own guilt.

"I was shocked to see him at the concert. And when he called me by my old name, all those old feelings came rushing back. So I hit him." Doku's eyes shone with unshed tears and his gaze pleaded for understanding.

"Gojyo is your brother?" Kou asked- amazed, shocked, confused.

"Yes," Doku whispered. "I didn't know it was him until I saw his hair while we were onstage. There's no mistaking that color. And then he called me Jien-." He paused for a second. "I left that name behind me a long time ago. I don't ever want to be that person again."

"I understand," Kou said softly, squeezing Doku's shoulder. "You have no reason to feel ashamed. You did what you had to do and no one can blame you for that."

"I can… and I have, for years. I keep asking myself what I could have done differently. Could I have saved my mother somehow?" Tears flowed freely down Doku's face as he grieved for everything he had lost and the man he could have been.

Kou held him, offering strength, forgiveness, anything his friend could use to deal with his raging emotions.

"It's okay. It's going to be alright," he said, helpless to offer better words of comfort. All he could do was hold Doku with all the warmth his heart had to give.

….

Gojyo leaned back and stretched his legs out in front of him. The chair wasn't very comfortable, but it was still better than being on his feet. He let out a little sigh of relief as he rolled his head and began to work the knots out of his neck.

"Don't get too comfortable," Hakkai said, laughing. "You know Sanzo will have us up and working again in no time."

"Don't remind me," Gojyo groaned. "And how can you be so damn happy right now? You must be at least as exhausted as I am."

If he was, Hakkai certainly didn't look it. In fact, he appeared to have energy to spare. He was sitting on the floor, practicing drum rolls and experimenting with various rhythms.

"You ever gonna get tired of that?" Gojyo asked, watching his friend work.

"I'm not the one who stayed up late last night trying to romance Shunrei. That's why I'm not suffering today." Hakkai smiled teasingly at Gojyo, who grimaced at the good-natured taunt.

"I tell you, Hakkai, the girl's not normal. Her boyfriend's off touring and she's still completely faithful!"

"I take it she turned you down. Again." Hakkai's eyes sparkled with amusement. It wasn't often his handsome, charming, slightly over-sexed friend encountered a woman immune to his seductive powers, but Shunrei had proven remarkably resilient. She was kind and generous, but that was as far as it went. Hakkai found it extraordinary that she could resist for so long. Gojyo could be quite charming when he wanted to be, and even Hakkai himself had given in to his friend's lustful advances.

"At least she was nice enough to let us borrow her boyfriend's rehearsal studio while he's out of town. Not to mention she's done our laundry, fed us and even let us sleep here instead of in the van. I'd say she's being very generous with us."

Gojyo sighed and finally relented. He knew when he was beat.

"Yeah, I guess you're right, as usual. I just hate to let a pretty girl like that go to waste, you know?" He grinned. "Then again, she does have a few good-looking friends. Maybe I should suggest we have a party."

"I don't think that's a very good idea," Hakkai said, shaking his head. "You know how Sanzo gets with all the noise."

"Oh yeah. Right," Gojyo snorted. "He's such a spoilsport. I wonder if he'll ever get that big old stick out of his ass."

Hakkai glanced over at Sanzo, who was across the room with Goku. The boy was eating again. He sat next to Sanzo, devouring yet another of Shunrei's delicious meals while the blonde just sat and smoked.

"I don't know about that," he said, keeping his voice low. "Sanzo seems… different these days."

Gojyo smiled and lit a cigarette. He took a deep drag off it, letting the smoke back out slowly while he thought about what Hakkai had said.

"Maybe you're right," he said, leaving it at that.

Hakkai put down his drumsticks and cleared his throat. Gojyo looked at him expectantly, but Hakkai couldn't seem to get the words out.

"Something you wanna say, Hakkai?" Gojyo prompted, eyebrows raised.

"Well, there's something I've been meaning to ask you." Hakkai sounded hesitant, unsure if he should speak or not. "I wanted to know- was that your brother at the club the other night?"

Gojyo was silent for a long time, and Hakkai thought he might not even answer. But then the redhead nodded.

"Yeah," he said, "that was him." Gojyo's face was troubled, his eyes full of pain as he remembered the less than warm greeting he'd received.

"If you want to talk, I'm here for you. You know that," Hakkai said quickly. He leaned forward, gazing at his friend with warmth and compassion. Gojyo smiled rather sardonically and shook his head.

"Nah. I'm okay. It takes more than a punch to put me down for the count." He was obviously dismissing his pain, speaking so flippantly Hakkai wanted to shake him. He knew Gojyo had been deeply wounded by his brother's reaction. That Gojyo wouldn't talk to him about it, when they shared everything else about each other, was maddening.

"That's not what I meant!" Hakkai said, angry at Gojyo's blatant disregard for his own feelings. "It must have hurt you! Why won't you talk to me about it?"

Gojyo cut Hakkai off with a sharp look and a quick movement of his hand.

"I'm fine, Hakkai. There's nothing to talk about. Just leave it alone." He looked at his dark-haired friend, knowing Hakkai was just worried about him, and he softened his words with a hesitant smile. The hurt in Hakkai's eyes faded a bit and they shared a sober, meaningful look.

"Man, I could use a drink right now," Gojyo said, his usual leering grin returning. Hakkai's tense posture relaxed and he let out a small chuckle.

"That would be nice," he replied.

"It's settled, then," Gojyo said, grinning broadly. "After practice is over, we'll go find some pretty girls to buy us some drinks."

They both laughed and any broken fences between them were mended.

….

Sanzo ignored whatever fight Hakkai and Gojyo were having. In his experience, it was best to let those two handle problems on their own terms. He really didn't feel the need to involve himself in one of their lover's quarrels.

"This is really good, Sanzo! You want some?" Goku asked, shoving his half-eaten meal under Sanzo's nose. The blonde pushed it away, and Goku just shrugged and continued to eat.

Sanzo was constantly amazed at how much food the kid could consume, but he supposed it was worth the effort to feed him. Already Goku looked more solid and healthy, more like a seventeen-year-old boy and less like a starving animal. Maybe one day he'd even reach the point where he could eat normal-sized portions. Gojyo was right about one thing. It took a lot of money to keep Goku fed. He was thankful Shunrei was the one paying for it right now.

"Hey Sanzo?" Goku said, swallowing his last mouthful and setting the bowl down on the floor.

"What is it now?" Sanzo asked.

"Am I doing okay?"

Goku sounded almost fearful, and Sanzo sighed. The kid had this incessant need to please him and was constantly working at it. He followed everywhere Sanzo went, always just behind him. It grated on the blonde's nerves. Every time he turned around, Goku was there, looking at him with those huge golden eyes. The kid was always looking at him. It was exasperating.

"You're doing fine," Sanzo said, fighting down his temper. Still, his voice came out harsh, and Goku's face fell.

"Are you angry with me?" Goku asked, sounding like he was about to cry. Sanzo closed his eyes and prayed for patience.

"I'm not angry with you," he said, and Goku's face lit up with a brilliant smile so radiant it was nearly blinding. The kid took advantage of Sanzo's momentary weakness to take the blonde's arm and drape it across his shoulders, pressing close against Sanzo's side. He held Sanzo's hand where it was, refusing to let him pull away, and the older man's jaw tightened.

"I'm glad you found me, Sanzo," Goku said before the man's rage reached its boiling point. Sanzo looked into Goku's eyes and his anger cooled, slowly fading away completely. He didn't embrace Goku, but he didn't pull away either, and Goku rested his cheek against Sanzo's chest.

"Hey! I can hear your heartbeat!" he exclaimed, pressing his ear more firmly against Sanzo's body. The blonde just watched Goku's face as a look of wonder appeared on it.

For a while now, Sanzo had been aware of a sort of shifting in his heart. Something was happening inside of him, though he couldn't quite put a name to it. It was as if he were being slowly filled with warmth.

He gazed almost tenderly at Goku and rested his hand on the back of the boy's head, his fingers tangling in the thick brown hair. He could feel the heat of Goku's skin through the thin material of his shirt. It burned him, the sensation going straight through to his soul. He felt changed… marked somehow by this innocent boy.

He didn't know what was happening. He couldn't even tell if what was a good thing or a bad one, but something was being altered within him- something big. Something life-changing. It was almost scary.

Yes, something was different… but what?