Love Song

Chapter Seven- Shadowboxing

By darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning.

Extra-special-sugary thanks to GhostHelwig for helping me out with this mega-huge story. I would be lost without you!

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Sanzo stretched and let out a soft sigh.

It felt good to be outside, the night air cool on his face. A light breeze tugged at his shirt and blew his hair into his eyes, but he was peaceful.

It was dark here. The back door of the rehearsal studio opened up onto an alley, and streetlights shone at either end, but here he was enshrouded in darkness. It was perfect.

He'd waited until he was sure the others were asleep before coming out here. He didn't want company, didn't want to talk. He needed some alone time. It was hard to come by these days, especially since Goku insisted on following him everywhere he went. But the monkey was asleep now, dreaming about whatever it was monkeys dreamed about, and he was free.

The need to be alone hadn't been so strong until this afternoon, and he knew exactly what was bothering him. It was that damn kid.

Sanzo knew he'd been different ever since Goku had come into his life. He could feel changes happening inside of himself- changes that grew more rapid and more drastic with time. He was at a loss for what to do. He wasn't completely comfortable with the changes occurring in himself, but how did he go about stopping them? And what was the point? Change was natural to life, even if he didn't like it.

What bothered him most was not knowing where these changes were going and when they were going to end. What power was this boy exerting over him?

"Sanzo?" came a soft, sleep-slurred voice from behind him. The blonde turned around and his breath caught in his throat at the sight before him.

Goku was standing there, shirt open, exposing his lean, toned chest and abdomen. His hair was tousled from sleep and his eyes were heavy-lidded. In the dim light, all color was washed out, but Sanzo's mind filled in the image with all the colors Goku was made of- gold and brown and finest cream. And Goku was standing there looking at him with those wide, trusting eyes, rubbing sleep out of them with one hand.

The bottom dropped out of Sanzo's stomach as he saw Goku as he truly was for the first time- a young, attractive man, not a boy in need of a keeper. And Goku was looking at him curiously, wondering why he wasn't speaking.

"Sanzo?" Goku said again, a little more awake this time. "Everything okay?"

It was strange, Sanzo thought, how a familiar voice could unexpectedly set your blood on fire. Goku moved closer to him and Sanzo fought the urge to flee. This wasn't good. This wasn't safe. Some strange, fey mood had come over him and Goku was too close-

Then Goku put his palm on Sanzo's forehead, looking worriedly up at him, and the driving need to touch the youth standing before him was suddenly too much to bear. Sanzo grabbed Goku's hips, his hands grazing against bare skin as they moved, and he dipped his head to capture Goku's lips in a kiss.

He could feel Goku's surprise, but the boy didn't resist him. He wasn't surprised to discover Goku's lips were as soft as silk, but he willed the boy to part them and allow him entrance. Sanzo pulled back a bit and brushed his lips lightly over Goku's, teasing and tempting the boy to open his mouth. Goku leaned forward into him, unwilling to be parted even the slightest bit. Their lips met again and Sanzo plunged his tongue into Goku's mouth, tasting the boy's sweetness. He kissed Goku hungrily, and the boy responded with equal passion. A fire burned in Sanzo's soul- a need to claim… to possess… and to never let go.

Goku's loud moan of pleasure was what broke the spell. Sanzo pulled back roughly, gasping for air, and he pushed Goku away violently. Goku stumbled backwards, confused by this sudden rejection. He took a step towards the blonde, hand outstretched.

"Stay away from me!" Sanzo growled, voice hoarse with mingled shock and pleasure. Goku stopped where he was, but his eyes never left Sanzo's trembling form.

"Sanzo, what is it? What's wrong?" he asked, genuinely confused by his angel's violent reaction.

"This!" Sanzo said. "This is wrong! You're just a kid! And I'm not some fucking pervert! But you probably wouldn't understand that." He almost spat the words and Goku recoiled as if he'd been slapped.

"I'm not a kid and I'm not stupid!" he yelled, tears spilling down his cheeks. "I know what I'm doing!"

He was hurt. Sanzo had never been like this with him before. He'd never been so blatantly cruel. It hurt him so deeply, like his heart was being crushed, and he was completely unprepared to deal with that kind of pain. He felt like he could crumble to bits at any moment.

But Sanzo refused to back down. He was scared, lashing out to protect himself.

"Get away from me!" he yelled, his voice harsh. "Just get the hell away from me!"

Goku lifted his chin as if he was going to fight, but then he turned and ran back inside. Sanzo didn't watch him go. He couldn't look. He could barely breathe. What had he done? What kind of sick monster had he turned into? For all intents and purposes, Goku was still a child. He didn't want to be one of those men who preyed on young boys. He didn't. He didn't want that to happen to Goku, like it had happened to him-

He wrapped his arms around his stomach and doubled over with the pain of tears that could not fall.

….

Kou was exhausted.

It wasn't just the endless practicing he and the band were doing. He was also feeling emotionally wrung out. Ever since he'd seen Sanzo at that club, things had started feeling a little off-kilter for him.

Part of that was Doku's rather violent reaction to being unexpectedly reunited with his brother. He tried very hard to be there for Doku when he needed to talk, but going through those strong emotions with Doku was taxing. He just didn't feel prepared to deal with this kind of situation. But he was determined to see this through. He would not let his friend down. Doku had always been there for him.

But that wasn't the only reason he felt so drained. If he was to be honest, he had to admit that seeing Sanzo with that little annoying punk draped on his arm had rattled him quite a bit. He still didn't even want to face those emotions yet. It was hard to admit, even to himself, that he'd been jealous of the kid. That sudden, powerful anger he'd experienced had come as a complete shock to him. He'd spent hours since then analyzing and reanalyzing his feelings, and one thing kept coming back to haunt him.

He had feelings for Sanzo.

Kou had never really thought about his own sexual preferences before, one way or another. He didn't even know if preference was even applicable in this situation. He just found Sanzo… attractive. Strange how he'd never realized it until he'd seen that boy clinging to the blonde like that, but it was true. He cared for Sanzo. It hurt to see that boy touching Sanzo in a way he had never been able to.

What was so special about him anyway? He looked like just another stupid kid to Kou- nothing special at all.

But it didn't matter what he saw in the kid, only what Sanzo saw. He couldn't change that and he knew it. He shouldn't even want to try.

And that's what was really draining him, wasn't it? He was fighting against himself, fighting the urge to find Sanzo, declare his feelings and claim the blond man for his own. But to win Sanzo, he'd need to give up everything he'd worked for, everything he'd left them to build, and even then it might not be enough. He wasn't sure he could do that.

After all, they already had their new guitarist. What would they need him for except target practice?

Kou collapsed into an overstuffed armchair and closed his eyes. He rested his head against the soft backing and tried to will away the image of Sanzo and that kid in the dim, smoky club. But the vision seemed to be burned on the inside of his eyelids and it wouldn't go away.

"You look exhausted," his stepmother said, and Kou opened his eyes to meet her worried gaze.

"It's been a long day, that's all," Kou said, but she didn't seem to believe him.

"Is there anything I can do for you, darling? Anything at all?"

Kou smiled at her reassuringly. He hated for his stepmother to worry, and he really didn't like being the cause of those worries.

"It's nothing," Kou said, sounding as tired as he felt and completely unconvincing.

"Lirin told me Sanzo and the others found themselves a new guitarist," she said. "Is that what you're worried about? Don't be, because you have more talent than all of them combined. I just know you'll win the contest!" She smiled at him and Kou felt a new strength enter his heart. Her warmth flooded through him and his resolve hardened. He would prove himself the better musician. His family and his true friends believed in him. With their love to give him strength, he would overcome any obstacle, even his own mixed feelings for Sanzo. He would win for them and for himself.

"Don't worry," he said, standing and taking her hand in his own. "They're nothing, even with this new guitarist. They don't stand a chance against me."

A small smile graced his lips and his stepmother looked relieved to see him so confident.

"With that confidence," she said, "I have no doubts you'll win."

Kou kissed her hand lovingly and winked, suddenly playful.

"Thank you, mother," he said. "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go clean up."

"Of course. Run along," she said, grinning at him impishly. Kou practically bounced out of the room to go take a shower, and as soon as he was gone, her smile faded. In its place was an expression as cold as ice.

Gyokumen Koushu hated games, and the one she was playing with her stepson never failed to make her irritable. It was difficult pretending to fawn all over that blind little fool.

She picked up the phone and dialed by heart. This was a number she used often.

"Ni? We have a problem and I want it taken care of now. I don't care how you do it- just eliminate Sanzo and his flunkies now."

She hung up, not waiting for a response. Ni would take care of things for her. He always did.

And if he failed her in this, he would suffer the consequences. This was too important to screw up. They couldn't let Sanzo enter that contest. The risk was too great.

She smiled and laughed, and a colder, more heartless sound had never been heard.