Love Song

Chapter Eight- Music In My Heart

By darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash Warning.

A/N- ALL of the lyrics in this chapter were WRITTEN BY ME specifically for this story. I've included them for a reason.

Thank you to GhostHelwig for going through this story for me over and over until I got everything right. You have the patience of a saint! Hooray for St. Ghosty!

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Goku stared miserably at the floor. It was his first live gig and he was nervous. He could have used some comfort from his angel, but Sanzo had been distant since that night in the alley. All week Goku had been trying to talk to him about what had happened, and every time Sanzo ignored him or walked away. He'd given up on trying to get any answers out of the man. It would be easier getting a response from a rock.

It hurt, though, like a knife in his heart. Sanzo was his world. If he didn't have him, what did he have? What was freedom worth to him if he didn't hold any joy in his heart? And right now he couldn't seem to find anything even resembling happiness in himself. There was just a growing coldness where his light, his sun, had once shone.

He'd withdrawn into himself, worrying Hakkai and Gojyo, he knew. They had tried to make him laugh again. Gojyo had even tried drawing him into an argument. But he couldn't respond, no matter how much he might want to. There was no life, no energy, left in him.

So he just sat there and waited for the show to begin, staring at the floor and ignoring everything else. He would play when the time came, because Sanzo needed him to. Nothing else really mattered, not even the gnawing hunger growing in his belly. He wondered, briefly, when he had last eaten, but the answer eluded him and he let the question go. It had been a matter of simple curiosity, not something which concerned him overly much.

"Goku," Hakkai said, smiling kindly. Goku looked up at him, face expressionless. Hakkai held out a meat bun to him. "Eat something," Hakkai said, sounding worried.

Goku took the bun and ate it almost mechanically. None of his usual enthusiasm was evident. He chewed, he swallowed- it was automatic, and Hakkai began to look even more concerned. Goku finished the bun and thanked Hakkai, but his expression never changed and his voice was hollow.

Goku didn't see the look Hakkai threw at Sanzo, who sat in a chair by the door, smoking and ignoring the world. Hakkai looked like he was about to say something when the door opened and it was time to go.

….

Ni wandered into the club and grabbed a seat at a table near the wall. From here he had a good view of the stage, which is all he needed. He ignored the bustle and noise of the crowd around him. They were camouflage, hiding him from his unsuspecting prey.

He was hunting tonight.

Sanzo's group took the stage and excitement raced through his veins. He loved the thrill of the hunt- watching, spying, learning everything he could about his prey before springing his trap.

He'd spent a week tracking down all the information he could on this kid guitarist, and what he'd found had pleased him greatly. He knew all about the boy's lonely past. The pain in the kid's heart would make him much easier to manipulate. And it looked like tonight would be the night. He could already see the pain on the boy's face. He was so lonely. It was plain as day in his eyes. He was ripe for the picking, and Ni was not one to waste such a golden opportunity.

The band launched into its first song, the throbbing beat the perfect accompaniment to Ni's calculating, hungry thoughts.

….

"Missing pieces, scattered dreams that bleed."

Sanzo's voice rolled over the crowd. Bodies moved to the grinding music, pushing and shoving against each other.

"Like holes in my soul that I cannot mend."

The audience's excitement washed over Goku, pouring its energy into his body. Even in his emotionally numbed state, his soul responded. He felt his emotions once again begin to surface.

"Do I run? Do I run from you?"

Sanzo's husky voice filled him, and Goku's heart poured its pain into his fingers, into his music.

"Fallen angels whom light does not reach, like you and like me."

He had never experienced anything this powerful before. He surrendered himself to it, letting his heart free of all restraints.

"They are lost down here. Do they run? Do they run from you?"

Goku moved with the music they were creating. His mind was clear for the first time in days, and a strange sort of peace settled over him.

"Tear out my heart. I don't need it anymore."

His eyes sought out Sanzo. His angel was beautiful in the spotlight, his hair catching and reflecting the brilliance surrounding him.

"Betrayal sits beside you. What do you need me for?"

His heart yearned to taste his sweet beauty again. He ached to mend the rift between them and hold his angel close.

"Broken promise, signs you didn't heed."

But he couldn't fix this, could not even understand it.

"Like sins we commit washed away in blood."

A single tear slid down his cheek, unnoticed. He closed his eyes and let Sanzo's voice caress him like Sanzo never would.

"Do you run? Do you run from her?"

Without his sun, he would surely whither away.

"Tear out my heart. I can't use it anymore."

The club was raging with sound and motion, but inside Goku was still and silent.

Waiting.

"Betrayal stands behind you. What did you ever need me for?"

He opened his eyes, eyes that were blind to the violence in the people before him.

He remembered.

"Have you ever needed me before?"

His body played the music, but his mind was remembering a hand held out to him… a hand warm and strong.

"Have you?"

Sanzo's voice trailed off and the shining memory released Goku's thoughts, leaving him in cold reality once again.

….

Ni waited for the end of their set with rapidly growing impatience. He was anxious to get the show on the road, so to speak.

He had watched the boy very carefully during the performance. The kid's body language had revealed a wealth of information. All it would take was a little up close and personal questioning to confirm his suspicions, and he would know exactly what path to take to reach the boy's deepest fears.

He waited until his prey was separated from the others before he pounced.

"You were excellent," he said, smiling kindly at the boy, who looked up at him in mild surprise.

"Me?" he asked, and Ni nodded.

"Yes, you're quite talented," Ni said, flashing his biggest smile. He was careful to keep his body language non-aggressive and non-threatening. Subtle signals were the best way to get your message across, and he was quite well-educated in the art of quiet manipulation.

"Thanks," the boy said, somewhat morosely. Ni took that as his cue to dig a little deeper. He applied a bit of concern to his face, in complete control of his expression at all times.

"Is something wrong?" he asked. "Is there any way I can help you?"

"It's nothing," the boy said, casting a quick glance in the direction the blonde had disappeared off to after the set was finished. Ni suppressed the urge to giggle at how obvious the boy was being.

"Could it be something happened between you and your friends? Perhaps even concerning your singer?" His smile was comforting and kind, completely opposite from the malicious glee in his heart.

"How did you know?" the boy asked, face openly shocked at the depth of Ni's perceptions. My, but this boy was a fool.

"It happens, you know. Singers are often quite cruel to the band mates. Arrogance comes with the territory, I suppose. After all, they're the ones in the spotlight." He deliberately sounded sad, even regretful, about the whole situation.

He was pleased when the kid felt the need to correct him and tell him the real reason behind his current state of mind. Ni wanted to thank the boy for making this so easy fro him.

"It's not like that," Goku said. "At least, I don't think it is. Sanzo's upset with me, but I don't even know what I did wrong! And he won't tell me!" Tears of frustration and hurt welled up in the boy's eyes. He wiped them away with clenched fists.

"That must be tough," Ni said sympathetically. "Doesn't he trust you?"

"I don't know," the boy told him. "I don't know! I don't know what to do to make him happy. I want to make him smile, but I don't know how." The boy was staring at his feet, heartache radiating off of him in waves.

"Perhaps he doesn't want you around anymore? Do you think that might be the case?" He made his voice as kind and non-threatening as possible, knowing he was working very close to the core of the boy's pain now. He could almost smell victory before him.

"I- I don't know. He told me to go away, but then… why did he bring me here? Is he really regretting it now?" The boy was talking more to himself than to Ni now.

"I'd hate to think he's using you for his own selfish gain. That would be just awful of him," Ni said, sounding horrified.

"Selfish gain?" Goku said, repeating the words slowly and looking up at Ni with shimmering, tear-filled golden eyes.

"Well, I'd hate to think he's stomaching your presence just to win some silly contest." As he'd figured, the boy didn't even question how he'd known about the competition coming up. He was too busy being horrified by the thought that his angel was just another cold, selfish person like his former keepers.

Ni tried not to smile as he savored the sweet taste of success.

"Is that all he wants from me?" the boy asked himself, sounding a little angry now. Ni decided to fan the flames a little higher.

"Forget I said anything. I'm sure your friend Sanzo is a very giving, very warm person."

The boy's eyes hardened as he considered that.

"Not anymore," he said softly. "Maybe he never was." A pain so powerful it wiped all emotion off of the boy's face came swirling to the surface of Goku's heart. Ni saw it happen, and he was pleased.

"I'm an idiot," the boy said harshly, and Ni could practically see his heart breaking into a million tiny pieces.

"You seem like a smart young man to me," Ni said. "I'm sure you know your friend better then I do."

The kid didn't respond. His expression didn't even flicker, and Ni knew he'd done his job. The band wouldn't last now, not with the resentment that was brewing in the boy's heart.

"Listen," he said, holding out his business card. "If you ever need to talk, call me. I'll help you if I possibly can. Maybe we can even do some business, if you ever feel like trying something new."

The boy took the card and blinked at it.

"Thanks," he said, and Ni patted his arm comfortingly as he walked away. He grinned, finally able to let his true feelings out, and congratulated himself on ending the kid's career before it ever even started.