Love Song

Chapter Nine- Living With Yourself

By darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning.

Hugs to GhostHelwig for helping me out. If I were you, I'd have shot me by now.

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Gojyo propped himself up on his elbow and trailed a lazy finger down Hakkai's bare back.

They'd decided to celebrate their successful return to the stage, both of them chipping in some of the money they'd just earned to pay for a dingy little motel room. It was basically just a little hole in the wall, and it had cost them about all they could afford, but they would worry about that later. It seemed like forever since they'd been alone like this and both of them had needed this time together.

Gojyo smiled down at the man lying next to him. Hakkai lay on his stomach, head resting on his folded arms and his eyes closed. His face was relaxed and peaceful, a faint smile on his lips as he drifted into a light doze. Hakkai always got sleepy after they made love. Gojyo found that rather endearing, and he would sometimes lay there for hours just watching his friend sleep.

He brushed a stray lock of hair off of Hakkai's cheek and pressed a soft kiss onto the smooth skin of his shoulder. Yes, this man was his friend- his best friend. Hakkai was the only person in this world he could and did tell everything to, and he liked to think he was the same thing to Hakkai. There were no secrets between them. There didn't need to be. They accepted each other for who they were- good and bad both.

For instance, Hakkai knew Gojyo had many female lovers. Hell, he even knew most of them. But none of that mattered to their relationship. Hakkai accepted whatever Gojyo was able to give him, and vice versa. Hakkai had never pushed for more than this, though he could have. They both knew Gojyo would not have denied his friend what he wanted. But that wasn't how they worked. What was freely offered was accepted for what it was. Asking for more- taking more- was something they didn't do, and this had served them well for a long time.

But as Gojyo gazed down at his friend, he knew something had changed. Their forced separation for so many weeks had clarified things for him. He'd missed spending this time with Hakkai. He'd missed touching him, holding him, tasting his salty sweetness. Being together again after so long had exposed that need to his heart, and he knew what it meant. He couldn't- he wouldn't- lie to himself about this.

Hakkai was different than all his other lovers. He didn't share with those women, didn't talk to them, didn't yearn for them when they were apart. Sex with them was meaningless- just a pleasant way to pass the time and sometimes just a way to survive. Being with Hakkai was more than that, more than just physical pleasure. He felt Hakkai's touch in his bones and every kiss went straight to his soul. What he was feeling was more than friendship. It was a deep, abiding love and it filled him with warmth and strength. It made him feel bigger, like he was so full of this feeling that he had to expand to fit it all in. He was bursting with it.

He ran his fingers lightly over Hakkai's smooth back, treasuring the silky feel of his skin, and a new, powerful sense of rightness swelled within his heart. This was where he belonged, with Hakkai in his arms. The others- all those women- didn't matter. Only Hakkai dwelt in his heart.

He wanted to wake Hakkai with tender kisses and feel his lover's desire build with each lingering caress. He wanted to confess his love and see Hakkai's eyes fill with the wonder of discovery. He wanted to claim Hakkai as his own, marking his tender flesh with little nibbles and then soothing him with his tongue. But most of all, he wanted to be inside of him again, their passion building to a fever pitch while he coaxed words of love from Hakkai's lips.

But he wouldn't do that- not right now. He would let his lover sleep while he contemplated breaking the unspoken rules of their relationship and asking- begging if need be- for more. Because he wouldn't be satisfied with this anymore- he couldn't be. His heart wanted this closeness to be forever. He needed everything Hakkai had to offer to be his. He didn't care if it was selfish or unfair. He was already aware that he was a damn selfish bastard, anyway. But Hakkai already owned him, whether he wanted to or not, and Gojyo had to try for the same. No other choice was acceptable to him.

He was in love, for better or for worse.

….

Goku had looked everywhere, but he couldn't find Sanzo. He wanted to see him- to make him sit down and explain himself. He wanted answers. Why had Sanzo kissed him and then pushed him away like that? Why was he treating him so coldly now? Was Sanzo really tired of having him around? Was he keeping him around only because he desperately wanted to win? Was he nothing but a bother to Sanzo? Had he misread Sanzo's intentions so badly?

He was full of questions begging for answers. His heart ached in his chest, threatening to bring tears to his eyes. He needed to see Sanzo again, to see the truth in his eyes. It was the only way he could think of to ease the pain he was in. But he couldn't find his angel anywhere. The city was too big, too full of places to hide. He'd never find Sanzo without having some idea of where he'd slipped off to.

So he made his way back to the van, not really wanting to go back to the rehearsal studio quite yet. Gojyo and Hakkai had gone off together, so he was alone, and he hated being alone. It would be worse if he had to sit in that big empty room all by himself.

He sat on the curb and wrapped his arms around his knees, curling himself up into a tight little ball. He hadn't been this lonely since Sanzo had taken him from that basement cage- had that only been a couple of weeks ago? It seemed like a lifetime. He'd gotten so used to being in Sanzo's presence that it felt strange for him to be gone.

"Aw, did someone have a fight with his keeper?" said a silky, high-pitched voice, and Goku looked up. A man stood a few feet away, staring at him. The malice on the man's face was obvious, his eyes blazing with hatred and his lips drawn up into a tight line. His long hair was loose and fell long past his shoulders, almost to his waist. Goku had never seen this man before, and he wondered what he possibly could have done to earn his hatred.

"Who are you?" he asked, and the man's lips twisted into a cruel smile.

"Let's say I'm someone who knows exactly how you feel. I've been on the receiving end of Sanzo's foul temper a few times myself."

"You don't know what you're talking about!" Goku said, standing and glaring at the man, who just laughed.

"Oh really? Well, it's obvious you and Sanzo are having some trouble getting along. At least, it is to me. Would this have something to do with how unpredictable and moody he is? Or is it the cold distance he surrounds himself with? Tell me. Which is it for you?"

The man was gloating over Goku's pain. He could see it in those burning eyes. Yet, even thought this man was being very deliberately cruel, there was truth in his words. Sanzo was difficult to get close to, especially when he froze you out like he had done to Goku since their kiss. Goku couldn't deny how painful this was to him, but he knew there was more to Sanzo than this cruelty he was displaying. He knew it. He just had to find it again somehow.

"I don't care about any of that! I love him!" Goku said, clenching his fists and shaking with emotion. "Nothing else matters to me!"

"How absolutely precious," the man said coldly, taking a threatening step forward. "But do you really think that Sanzo could ever return those feelings? That man feels for no one, not even himself. Do you really think that he could ever love you back? How naïve could you possibly be? The man was laughing again, laughing at Goku as if he were some foolish child who didn't know any better, and Goku's anger grew within him. He wasn't a child and he wasn't stupid!

He would have struck the man then if Sanzo's voice hadn't stopped him.

"Dougan," he said. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Goku turned, surprised. He'd been so wrapped up in his own emotions he hadn't felt Sanzo's presence as he approached, but he could feel it now, like warm light spilling over him and filling his soul.

Sanzo stopped next to him but kept his narrowed gaze on the man he'd called Dougan. Goku could see a vein throbbing at Sanzo's temple- a sure warning sign if ever there was one. He looked back at the other man, who was smiling and looking at Sanzo with a gaze that set Goku's teeth on edge. There was just something… creepy about it.

"Sanzo," Dougan said, approaching the blonde with smooth, liquid grace and a predatory gleam in his eyes. "How nice to finally get to see you again. I'm glad you're back on the scene. It was so lonely without you."

Sanzo's gaze was icy as he stared at the man before him.

"Get the hell out of here," he growled, teeth clenched tightly. Goku could see that Sanzo's patience- what little there was left of it, anyway- was at an end. He considered warning Dougan, who seemed not to have noticed anything was amiss, but decided against it. This guy deserved whatever he got. Goku just hoped it would be painful.

"What's the matter, Sanzo? Aren't you happy to see me?" Dougan reached out to touch Sanzo, but Goku intercepted him. With the speed and reflexes of a cat, he caught the man's wrist, stopping him well short of his intended goal. Dougan tried to pull free, his face a mask of fury, but Goku held him in an iron grip.

"Don't touch him!" he said, squeezing the man's bony wrist. Dougan looked shocked as pain lanced through his arm, and when Goku released him he held his injured wrist to his chest and rubbed it. But he didn't remove his eyes from the boy. He backed up a few steps, not liking the danger he saw lurking in Goku's eyes.

"Leave," Sanzo said again, and this time Dougan listened. With one fearful glance in Goku's direction, he fled… and Goku watched him go with satisfaction. He had protected his angel and it felt good.

"Where are Hakkai and Gojyo?" Sanzo asked, still looking in the direction Dougan had gone.

"They said they were going to celebrate and that they'd be gone all night," Goku said. Sanzo's head snapped around, his eyes meeting Goku's for the first time in days. Goku felt an immediate stirring of heat in his stomach as he looked into those familiar violet eyes.

"They left you alone?" Sanzo asked, obviously very surprised, and Goku felt his anger rush back to him.

"I'm not a kid! I don't need a babysitter!"

He immediately regretted the words. Sanzo's face hardened into a mask again and Goku could feel the return of the rift between them. He wanted to beg, to plead with his angel not to leave him like this, but if anything the rift was even deeper than before, and his anger fled before it as the loneliness returned full force.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly. "I shouldn't have said that. It's just… I wish you'd stop treating me like a child, Sanzo. I'm nearly eighteen. In two more weeks I'll be an adult. I wish you could see that!" He looked at Sanzo hopefully, but if there was hope there, he couldn't see it. All he could see were walls as Sanzo shut him out yet again.

His heart ached again, and he dropped his gaze to the ground, unable to bear the sight of Sanzo's walls any longer.

"I'm tired," Sanzo said coolly. "I'm going to bed."

He walked off, not waiting to see if Goku would follow.

Goku's mind told him to run, to leave before he suffered even more pain at this man's hands. But his heart and his body were already in motion, following Sanzo wherever he went.