Love Song
Chapter Eleven- The Sickest Joke
By darthelwig
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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning!
Hugs to GhostHelwig for saving me over and over in regards to this story. You've changed my light bulb a thousand times. Thanks for the ideas.
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When Shunrei found out it was Goku's birthday, she insisted they celebrate. Goku had seemed more confused about the idea of a birthday party than anything else, but he didn't object. He actually hoped a party might lift his mood a bit.
He'd been in a funk for the past couple of weeks. It wasn't nearly as bad a depression as it had been before that first gig, but it was still quite powerful. He still didn't have much enthusiasm for life and preferred to just sit and quietly exist while life went on around him. He didn't like being alone, but talking had become difficult for him. He just didn't have much to say.
He hadn't spoken to Sanzo since that night. There was an invisible but solid wall between them that he had no idea how to get around. And Sanzo didn't seem very eager to talk to him either. Goku knew Sanzo was avoiding him, and he was at a loss to think of a way to change that.
Instead he let things go as they were, just hoping he would one day find a way to reach his angel's elusive heart once again.
Shunrei had invited all her friends to Goku's birthday party, which they were holding in the rehearsal space she'd let them borrow, and so the place was packed. Most of the guests were women, which pleased Gojyo greatly, though he wasn't chasing after them as seriously as he could have. Gojyo and Hakkai were openly together now and seemed rather happy about it, so while Gojyo still flirted with the pretty girls who surrounded them, he didn't make any serious moves on them. Hakkai seemed pretty pleased with Gojyo's behavior, so Goku supposed they knew what they were doing.
As for him, he kept glancing at Sanzo, who had attracted his own pack of gushing admirers even though his trademark scowl was even more dangerous than usual. Goku watched the girls fawn over his angel as if he were some sort of celebrity. He couldn't blame them. Sanzo was very handsome. Even in a foul mood, his looks could never be considered ugly. Still, Goku would have been jealous of them- if Sanzo had shown even the slightest interest in their attentions. But his angel looked barely tolerant, mush less welcoming, of their advances… and that was fine by him.
Not that he didn't have his own female admirers. Women outnumbered men in this room by about three to one, so there were plenty of girls to go around, and quite a few of them seemed to think he was cute. At least, that was what they kept saying as they chattered away at him, their faces all smiles and their body language screaming for his attention.
He looked at those girls and wished he were attracted to them. His life would be so much easier if he could just forget his attraction, his feelings, for Sanzo and move on to someone who was willing to have a relationship with him. But he couldn't force his heart to look in another direction. None of these girls moved him like Sanzo did. When he looked into their eyes, there wasn't that sense of belonging that he had when he gazed at his angel's face. In that entire room full of people, only one person dazzled his eyes with a light as golden and bright as the sun, and he wouldn't have it any other way.
He didn't want to put a damper on anyone's spirits, though. Everyone except Sanzo seemed to be having a good time, and he was the guest of honor. So he put on a smile and listened to the girls talk, nodding his head every once in a while. He ate a little to set Hakkai's mind at ease. The man seemed to insist on mothering him. Goku didn't really mind. It just meant Hakkai cared about him enough to worry, and that was something he'd never had before. So he ate what he would and tried to enjoy it.
He was genuinely surprised, though, when he discovered that he actually had gifts. He'd never received a present before, but Shunrei and her friends had brought some small gifts to the party. As he opened them, he marveled at how different his life had already become. Here he was, surrounded by kind, generous people, accepted and welcomed in a life he'd never dreamed he'd ever get to experience. He knew it was foolish, but he couldn't help it when he started to cry- great big tears of joy rolling down his cheeks. It was the first sign of true happiness he'd shown in far too long, and he smiled with genuine warmth at the people around him, thanking them with his words and with his heart's gladness in his eyes.
He realized then how truly selfish he was being. There was so much in his life now to be thankful for- friends, a home… freedom. Sanzo had made all of those things possible for him. Sanzo had given him a life rich with possibility. It was selfish to have so much and still want more. He knew he should be satisfied with what he already had instead of yearning for what he couldn't get, but his heart wouldn't listen to reason. He knew he probably didn't deserve it, but he wanted it all- the friends, the career and the love of his life. It didn't matter to his heart if it was a selfish desire or not. What he wanted was a dream come true.
His thoughts couldn't distract him from the simple joy of opening presents from his friends, though. He opened Gojyo's gift first and grinned as he saw what was inside.
"Now you don't have to keep telling people," Gojyo said, laughing, as Goku showed the shirt to Hakkai.
"I'm with the band. Well, it is going to be useful, I suppose," he said, the corners of his eyes crinkling with his laughter.
"I love it. Thanks, Gojyo," Goku said, blushing for some reason he couldn't really identify. Gojyo put his arm around Goku's shoulders and squeezed affectionately.
"You're one of us now, monkey. Remember that."
Goku could only nod in response, and Gojyo ruffled his hair before returning to Hakkai's side. Goku wasted no time unwrapping his gift from Hakkai. He'd discovered he truly enjoyed getting presents and he was anxious to see what the ever-thoughtful Hakkai had decided to get him.
He was confused by what he found inside the box, though. He'd never seen anything like it before.
"Um, what is this?" he asked, holding the cylinder up in his palm.
"It's called a kaleidoscope," Hakkai told him. "Look through that end there and hold it up to the light. You'll see."
Goku did as he was told, and he gasped at the beauty captured inside the palm-sized cylinder.
"It moves!" he exclaimed, turning it in his hand and watching in awed fascination as the colors and patters shifted before his eyes. He wrapped Hakkai in a tight embrace as he thanked him for the gift. Hakkai smiled at him gently as he hugged him back.
Then it was time to open his last gift- the one from Sanzo. It was wrapped in a thin, flat box small enough to fit in one hand. Goku almost didn't want to open it. He was afraid to see what Sanzo had gotten him. They hadn't been getting along and Sanzo seemed to want nothing more to do with him.
But his curiosity won out, as usual, and he tore into it. He opened the box and pulled out his gift- and his mouth dropped open in surprise. Sanzo had gotten him a necklace with a pendant of crystal. He held it up to examine it closer, and the facets at the crystal's point caught the light, sending tiny rainbows over his skin. They moved with every shift of the crystal as it hung on its chain, and his eyes were dazzled by the brilliant display.
Sanzo had known exactly what he'd like. He wasn't surprised about that, but he was surprised that the man who wanted nothing to do with him would think to get him something so wonderful.
A new hope surged within Goku's heart. Sanzo didn't hate him. Sanzo must care. This was the gift of someone who did have warm feelings for him, not someone who could barely tolerate his presence.
Somehow, just seeing this crystal and knowing that Sanzo knew how captivated he was by light made everything better for him. Suddenly he knew… just knew… that his angel still needed him. He could see the feelings that had gone into the choosing of this particular gift, and his somewhat flagging faith in Sanzo was restored.
He looked for his angel, searching the faces around him for the one person he wanted to see, but Sanzo wasn't there.
"Where'd Sanzo go?" he asked softly, and Gojyo shrugged.
"Who knows? He hates parties. Maybe he left," Gojyo said nonchalantly. Goku's eyes widened and he was filled with sudden panic.
"What?" he said, and ran off towards the door.
Hakkai watched Goku go, then turned and gave Gojyo a withering look.
"That was cruel," he said, and Gojyo shrugged again. "You know Sanzo wouldn't just leave in the middle of Goku's party. He probably went outside for a cigarette and some fresh air."
"Yeah. I know that, but the monkey doesn't. I'm tired of watching those two tiptoe around each other. It's time they settled some things."
Hakkai was silent for a moment, then burst out laughing.
"You're too much. You really are," he said, and Gojyo put one arm around his shoulders and winked.
"That's what you love about me."
….
Goku raced outside, but Sanzo wasn't in the alley. His heart was pounding in his chest and he fought down the panic that was threatening to overwhelm him, knowing he was overreacting. It wasn't like Sanzo wouldn't return- but he so desperately wanted to see him, wanted to thank him, wanted to let him know he wasn't giving up. He'd been in the dark too long. He wanted to bathe in Sanzo's light.
He didn't know which direction to take, so he chose one at random and ran to the end of the alley. Here there were streetlights and the occasional car passing by. He looked around wildly, almost missing the silent figure standing against the wall to his left, but the soft glint of light on golden hair caught his eye at the last second and he breathed a huge sigh of relief.
"Sanzo," he said, the tension flooding out of him. His angel looked at him coldly and flicked the remainder of his cigarette into the street.
"What the hell do you want now?" he asked Goku, who just stood there staring at him.
Goku couldn't help it. Light and shadow played over Sanzo's features as the streetlights fought back the night, sharpening the harsh angles of his face. Yet, he still seemed brighter than the light elsewhere, as if by touching him the light was intensified. He looked both dangerous and unashamedly beautiful, and Goku's breath caught in his throat as he took in Sanzo's wicked sensuality.
"Well?" Sanzo asked again, catching Goku's attention.
"Uh, I was looking for you," Goku said, trying to sound casual and failing miserably.
"I thought I told you to stay the hell away from me," Sanzo said, glaring at Goku.
"I know, but I wanted to- to thank you for the gift." He held up the necklace, still clutched tightly in his fingers, and the crystal flashed in the light.
"You've thanked me. Now get the hell out of here," Sanzo said, looking away. Pain swelled in Goku's heart at his angels' cruel dismissal, sending tears spilling down his cheeks. He was moving before he knew it, flinging himself at Sanzo and wrapping his arms around the man. He pressed himself tightly to Sanzo's chest, his wet cheek meeting the warm silk of the skin exposed by Sanzo's shirt. He held his angel with all the strength he possessed, needing the closeness.
"Please, Sanzo. Please," he pleaded, eyes squeezed tightly shut. "I'm so cold. It's so cold without you. Please… don't leave me again."
He kept his eyes closed, too afraid to open them and see his angel reject him again. He was shaking, tears falling unchecked down his face. If it was weak, if it was wrong, it\f it was selfish- he didn't care. He had to let the pain out.
He clutched at his angel's warmth and let the tears flow.
….
Sanzo gazed down at the boy clinging to him so desperately, his heart unable to maintain its defenses against the onslaught of Goku's tears. He could feel Goku trembling against him, and his skin was wet from Goku's tears.
He hesitated for only a moment before he settled one hand against Goku's back and let the other tangle in Goku's hair. He held the boy to him and rested his chin on top of Goku's head, unable to help himself. He had caused this boy so much pain in his efforts to spare him. It was like a sick joke. He hadn't wanted any of this to happen. He'd done his best to do what was right. But if this was right, why were they both hurting so damn much?
Goku twisted in his grip and looked up into his face. Sanzo returned his gaze, his eyes lacking their usual cold distance. He looked down at Goku in a silent apology, and the boy seemed to see something in his face that stopped his tears.
Sanzo gazed into Goku's golden eyes, mesmerized. He was unaware of Goku's face getting closer and closer… until their lips touched. Goku brushed a feather-light kiss over his lips, then another and another, and Sanzo felt his resolve crumble to dust. His hands grasped Goku tightly, pulling him closer as he dipped his head and plunged his tongue into Goku's mouth. He gave up, gave in to his growing need, and Goku responded hungrily. Heat flooded Sanzo's body and pooled in his stomach. Goku filled his senses and he was lost in sensation, drowning in desire.
It was Goku who saved him from himself. He was unable to stop, but Goku pulled away, and it took one long, dazed moment for him to realize what was going on.
Goku was looking off to the side, staring at a man walking towards them out of the darkness. He slowly realized what it was that had caught Goku's attention. The man was clapping.
"How the mighty have fallen. It looks like I'm not the only one with a taste for young boys," said the man, and Sanzo's eyes widened in shock. This couldn't be happening. This man couldn't be here. He thought maybe he was wrong. Maybe he was mistaken, but that voice….
Then the man moved into the light and his worst fears were confirmed. His entire body tensed up and a snarl appeared on his face.
"Shuuei," he growled, and the man laughed coldly.
"Long time no see, Kouryuu."
….
Lirin had put this off for far too long. She just… didn't know how to say such difficult words to her brother. How was she supposed to tell him that her mother was using him… that she had spoken of Kou like he was lower than dirt? How was she supposed to break her beloved brother's heart?
But she couldn't wait any longer. He deserved to know. And maybe he would be able to explain it away, make her see that she was wrong- that her mother couldn't possibly be that cruel. Except, she really didn't think she was wrong about this. Her mother's voice had been too calculating, too cold. Lirin's heart told her she was right, as unpleasant as that may be, and her brother needed to know.
He was sitting on his bed, fingers picking out a sad, slow tune on his guitar. Lirin stood hesitantly in the doorway, torn between knocking and running away yet again. Then Kou looked up at her and smiled, and she was frozen in place.
"What's wrong, Lirin?" he asked, brow furrowed in concern. He set his guitar aside and went to her, and Lirin smiled nervously up at him. She glanced around quickly, making sure no one was around to hear what she was going to say, and walked into his room. She closed the door behind her and turned to face her brother, her face unnaturally serious. He looked worried, but Lirin could also see his patience was wearing thin. She either had to tell him now or forget about it completely. Kou would only put up with so much of her antics.
"I've been wanting to tell you this for awhile, big brother, but I haven't been able to. I think you need to know, though."
"What is it, Lirin? Why are you acting so strangely? Did something happen?" Kou grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to face him and spill her secret. She swallowed hard as she looked into his beautiful violet eyes, knowing she was about to put a great deal of pain into them. But her brother was strong. He was fearless. He would know what to do about this. He would make everything okay again. She trusted him.
"I heard mother talking to Ni one day. You remember when I was sick?"
Kou nodded, silently urging her to continue.
"Well, I overheard them talking and…" Her voice trailed off and she looked away, unable at that last moment to say the words. Kou caught her chin with his finger and brought her face back around.
"Lirin, what did you hear that's bothering you so much? Tell me."
She looked at him again and sighed in defeat. Her lips curled up into a pout, but there was nothing childish about it. She was genuinely disturbed and hated having to say this to him.
"Mother was talking about Sanzo and how Ni was 'dealing' with him. Ni did something- something bad. And then she talked about you, and…" She swallowed against the lump in her throat and continued. "She was so mean sounding, Kou. She wasn't like herself at all. She sounded like she hated you. She was so mean." She didn't know what else to say. She had no more words to use to describe what her mother had sounded like.
Kou's eyes were wide. He looked surprised- shocked even. But he shook his head in disbelief and dropped his hands from her shoulders, his face filled with a stubborn refusal to accept her words.
"You know better than to eavesdrop, Lirin. It's no wonder you come up with such crazy ideas when what you're hearing is taken out of context." He looked disappointed in her, and Lirin was heartbroken. In all the time she spent imagining how this conversation would go, she never thought he would be so downright dismissive of her worries. Her eyes stung with tears and she blinked them away.
"You don't understand, big brother!" she said, still determined to convince him. "She was so different! If you'd only heard her… you'd see!" She was pulled up short by the cold look Kou gave her. It was so unlike him, and she took an involuntary step backwards as his glare fixed on her.
"Stop it, Lirin! Mother wouldn't do that. I don't want to hear any more of this nonsense from you."
"But!"
"No!" Kou yelled, fists clenched, and Lirin jumped. For the first time in her life, she felt fear of her brother. He was trembling with rage, his eyes glittering dangerously, and tears slid down her cheeks. She couldn't stay there any longer, so she threw the door open and ran back to her room, leaving her brother behind to deal with his rampaging emotions.
Kou pressed his fists to his face and sank back down onto his bed, looking lost and confused. He didn't even notice when he began to cry.
….
Sanzo looked into the face of his tormentor and felt the world tilt crazily on its axis. He was only vaguely aware of Goku, who was still wrapped tightly in his arms. Memories were hammering at him- memories of pain, humiliation… violation.
The man standing before him was barely recognizable. The years had changed him. No longer was his face handsome or kind. Now he looked every bit the monster he was. The only thing that remained the same was his eyes… so filled with hunger. He would recognize those eyes anywhere. They had haunted his dreams for years. Even now they looked exactly as he remembered- filled with a dark excitement as they watched him.
And that voice… he would never forget that voice. He had wanted to trust that voice once and he had paid for that. Yes, he'd paid his pound of flesh, and that voice still sent chills down his spine. He could feel the child in his heart recoil in terror from the sudden reappearance of his monster, and it infuriated him.
"What the hell are you doing here?" he said, snarling the words. His demon smiled at him- the same deceitful smile he'd used when welcoming his new foster child Kouryuu into his home. It rekindled the hatred in Sanzo's heart, and he was unaware of his fingers as they curled into tight fists against Goku's back.
"I've found you at last. I've searched for so long and now I finally have the chance to see you again. How fitting I should find you in such a compromising… position." Shuuei's eyes were grim though his mouth was laughing.
"Shuuei…."
"No," the man said, cutting Sanzo off abruptly. "I'm not Shuuei anymore. That life is over. You saw to that, didn't you? You and that man." Shuuei's smile disappeared, replaced by a look of hatred so deep it chilled Sanzo to the bone.
"No, my name is Rikudo now. Shuuei died in that prison you sent him to- you and your beloved Koumyou Sanzo."
Shuuei… Rikudo… looked at Sanzo coldly, his eyes burning with icy hatred and a chilling fury.
"Did you think I would forget? Did you think I would let it go? Do you even understand how terrible life is in prison for men accused of child molestation?"
Rikudo was moving now, grabbing Sanzo by the shirt before they could stop him. He yanked Sanzo forward and Goku was suddenly free from his angels' restraining grasp. Sanzo stumbled forward, his brain moving too slowly to help him stop, and Rikudo punched him. The blow was stunningly hard, and it was all Sanzo could do to keep his feet. Rikudo raised his fist again but then Goku was there, between them, and the blow never landed.
Sanzo watched in horror as Goku caught the man's blow on his own chin and then struck back. The boy's fist caught Rikudo in the gut and the man doubled over, breathless and pained.
And then the unthinkable happened, as Rikudo pulled out a gun and aimed it directly at Goku's startled face.
Sanzo's body reacted even as his mind absorbed what it was seeing. His eyes were fixed on Rikudo's snarling, crazed face as he shoved Goku out of the way with his own body. The boy fell sideways, knees giving out against Sanzo's weight, and in that instant Rikudo fired.
The sound of the shot barely reached Sanzo's ears. All he was aware of was a searing pain in his gut as he reached for the gun. He saw the victory in Rikudo's eyes and then his fingers closed around the gun.
It came away surprisingly easily, and Sanzo watched in slow motion as his own hand came up and pointed the gun into Rikudo's smiling face. He was squeezing the trigger before he even knew what he was doing, and he watched in detached fascination as his demon's life winked out.
Then there were only Goku's screams somewhere in the distance as a numbing cold overcame him and everything went black.