Love Song
Chapter Twelve- Setting the Record Straight
By darthelwig
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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning!
Thank you GhostHelwig! ---Falls down at Ghost's feet--- I love you!
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Pain was the first thing to welcome him back to consciousness. He drew in a sharp breath as he adjusted to it, fighting it back with a will of steel.
Sanzo opened his eyes and blinked, trying to bring his blurred vision back into focus. Gradually the pain-induced haze parted and he was able to see at last.
He was lying in a hospital bed and, as his mind began to clear, memories swam up out of the depths. He remembered the gun, the sudden agony as he was shot, Goku's screams, Shuuei's face as he died….
Goku. Sudden panic filled him and he tried to sit up. The pain stopped him and he fell back against his pillow. He groaned and bit his lip until the pain subsided some, but he had to find out if Goku was okay. It was all he could think about. He couldn't remember what had become of the boy. If Goku was hurt, he would never forgive himself.
Hakkai entered the room and his eyes widened as he saw Sanzo awake and struggling to sit up. He rushed to the blonde's side and gently but firmly forced him to lie back down.
"Sanzo, stop it! What are you trying to do? You're not ready to get up yet!" Hakkai said, scolding him. Sanzo glared at him but was forced to give up the struggle for the moment. His stomach was throbbing with pain and he was too weak to fight off Hakkai's restraining hands.
"You need your rest," Hakkai said. "The police will want to take your statement later and you'll need to be well enough to speak to them. Goku already told them what he knew." Hakkai paused, his face troubled. "They know it was self-defense. That much was obvious." The depth of relief on Hakkai's face betrayed how concerned he'd been. He looked almost haggard, as if he hadn't slept at all. Sanzo guessed that was probably the case.
"Well, Goku will be thrilled to see you're awake. He's been pretty worried about you. We all have," Hakkai said when Sanzo remained quiet. Hakkai smiled at his friend and fiddled with the blanket wrapped tightly around Sanzo's body. He was obviously still troubled about something.
"What is it?" Sanzo asked, wincing at how weak his voice sounded. Hakkai stared at his hands as he asked the question that had been plaguing him since they'd found out what happened.
"Was that the man who hurt you?" he asked, sounding nervous. Sanzo turned his face to the window, away from Hakkai, and his voice was soft when he answered.
"Yes," he replied, not wanting to say anything more. Hakkai seemed to get the hint and didn't push for more information.
Sanzo's ears caught the faint sound of Gojyo's voice approaching. He couldn't hear what the redhead was saying, but it didn't matter. If Gojyo was coming, Goku would be with him. He turned his head as they came into the room and his eyes sought out Goku immediately.
The boy looked pretty bad. Dark circles had appeared under his eyes and he was unnaturally pale. But he was alive and unhurt, and Sanzo's heart could finally rest easy. Tension he hadn't realized he'd had flowed out of his body and he almost smiled.
"About time you woke up," Gojyo said, smiling lopsidedly, and Sanzo glared at him. "You just had to go and get yourself shot, didn't you?"
"Fuck off," Sanzo said, filling his voice with as much of his usual attitude as he could muster under the present circumstances. It wasn't nearly enough to suit him, but it would have to do for now until he had more of his strength back.
Goku was looking at him wide-eyed, and huge tears slid down his face as he approached the bed. Hakkai grabbed Gojyo's arm and led him from the room to give the two some privacy.
"Sanzo," Goku whispered, wiping his face. Sanzo looked at the boy, who seemed almost broken as he stood there weeping.
"Why are you crying?" he asked, his voice almost tender.
"I'm so happy you're okay," Goku said, voice choked. "There was so much blood. I thought you were going to die!" Fresh tears flowed down his face and Sanzo reached up with one weak hand to wipe them away.
"I'm not going to die, idiot, so you can stop crying."
Goku nodded and took a few moments to compose himself. He wiped his face and smiled weakly as he sniffled, and Sanzo was reminded once again of how truly young Goku was in so many ways.
Goku grabbed his hand and placed a kiss against his palm, and Sanzo allowed it even as he told himself he shouldn't. He wouldn't be the cause of any more tears… not today.
"You saved my life, Sanzo… again," Goku said, his face sober and serious. Sanzo watched him closely, sensing something new in the youth who stood before him.
"I have been acting like a child. I can see that now," he said, looking down. He laid Sanzo's hand gently down on the mattress and met the blonde's gaze again. "I've been moping around, wishing you would come to me, not even trying to understand where you were coming from. And all this time I thought you didn't care about me at all."
Goku took a deep breath before continuing, and Sanzo remained quiet, silently absorbing his words.
"It was stupid and I'm sorry for ever doubting you. I know you care. I knew it when I saw what you'd gotten me for my birthday, and then… when you saved me…."
There was none of the child Sanzo knew in Goku's voice now and he surprised himself when he realized that he missed it. The person saying these things wasn't the boy he'd freed, but a stranger who wore his face, and Sanzo found himself wishing the boy he knew would return.
"I'm going to change things around, Sanzo. I'm going to become someone you can respect… because I love you and, if I want to be with you, I know I have to grow up. And I will. You'll see. I'm not giving up on you yet." Determination was written all over Goku's face, and Sanzo found himself wanting to tell the boy not to change… that he was perfect the way he was.
And suddenly he was forced to reevaluate his own feelings. If Goku matured and lost that childlike quality he possessed, he would be free to act on the desires that he was constantly suppressing, wouldn't he? Wasn't that what he'd wanted all along? But his heart knew it wasn't. He treasured Goku's innocence, having lost his own so long ago. He didn't want Goku to change. His feelings- and they were feelings, not just desires- were for the Goku he knew, not the stranger he was promising to become.
And was the Goku he knew really a child? This serious boy standing here, telling him these things, was a part of him, not the stranger- not yet. He was still his Goku. Had he been so wrong in his estimation of Goku's maturity? Had he confused innocence and discovery with immaturity?
It seemed he had. The boy standing there looking at him was no fool. He'd thought through the problem and apparently had given it serious consideration. This wasn't a child, but a young man lacking experience.
Sanzo considered this discovery for a moment, and a flame of hope began to grow in his heart. Perhaps coming face to face with the demon that haunted his dreams had helped to show him how different he really was from the monster who'd attacked him. Maybe being confronted with the very real possibility of losing the boy he treasured to his own fear and blindness was what motivated him. Maybe it was having come so close to death that made him so willing to embrace what life had offered him. He didn't know. He didn't bother analyzing it very clearly. He was tired of thinking things through.
He simply reached up and brushed his thumb lightly over Goku's silky lips, watching as the boy's eyes widened in surprise.
"Don't do that," Sanzo said, his voice a hoarse whisper. "Don't change for me. That's not what I want."
"You don't?" Goku asked, confused by Sanzo's rather sudden change. The expression on his face made him look young all over again, and it warmed Sanzo's heart to see it. He stifled a smile.
"What else can I do, Sanzo? Just tell me."
Sanzo pulled his hand back away from Goku's face and covered his eyes.
"It's not you," he admitted, and then he looked at Goku again. "Sit down," he said, and the boy did so quickly. Sanzo used those few seconds to ready himself. He hadn't spoken about his childhood in a long time- not since he'd met and befriended Hakkai. Talking to Goku about this, telling him about his demons… it was an act of trust- one Sanzo didn't take lightly. But he wanted to share this with Goku, He'd finally found someone he wanted to confide in. If he was to prove to himself that he truly was a strong person, he had to be able to deal with the darkness of his past.
Goku watched him attentively with those wide, golden eyes as he struggled to put the words together.
"The man who shot me- his name is Shuuei. He was one of the foster parents I spent my childhood with." His voice was low and scratchy, his emotions, for once, swimming close to the surface.
"Like me?" Goku asked, and Sanzo nodded.
"Yeah, like you." He paused to fight down the swirling nausea that threatened to overcome him as his memories flooded back unchecked. In his mind, Shuuei's younger face overlapped with his crazed, older self until Sanzo could no longer separate them. The younger Shuuei smiled down at him and blood from the older Shuuei's wound flowed down his face. Memories of old and new met and melded into one confused, painful whole- threatening to drown him in panic until he felt a warm hand grasp his own, bringing his thoughts back to the present.
He looked at Goku with desperate eyes, needing the boy's gentle faith to help him keep his sanity.
"I'm fine," he said after a moment. He cleared his throat and blinked away the stinging moisture in his eyes.
"I was ten when I ended up in Shuuei's home- ten and stupid. He seemed likeable enough, I suppose, but I should've realized there was something strange about the way he looked at me. I should've sensed something." He squeezed Goku's hand tightly before continuing.
"He raped me," Sanzo said, eyes darkening with painful memories once again. Goku gasped and leaned forward, still holding Sanzo's hand tightly in his own, but he had no words to give his angel- and they would have fallen on deaf ears anyway.
"I turned him in. He couldn't believe it. But my shame was less powerful than my need to be away from him, so I reported it and the system took me away. I was placed with a different man, only this time he actually was a decent person. His name was Koumyou Sanzo. He became a father to me and he helped me deal with my feelings- my hatred and shame. He made me a better person than I had been.
"He also supported me through the trial process. I had to testify in court about what Shuuei had done to me, and I don't think I could have done it without my father's support. But he got me through it and Shuuei went to prison." He looked at Goku with tears in his eyes, but he didn't let them fall. That was one weakness he could not permit himself.
"I didn't see Shuuei again until last night. I guess I wasn't prepared to see him just appear out of nowhere like that. I was too damn slow."
"No you weren't, Sanzo. Everything turned out alright, after all," Goku said reassuringly, and a bitter smile appeared on Sanzo's lips.
"I suppose so. But I've caused you a lot of unnecessary pain because of this. I guess I saw myself in you and I wanted to protect that. But you actually aren't a child, and it was my fear of myself that kept me from seeing that. I didn't want to be like him. I didn't want to be that monster."
"You aren't a monster, Sanzo! You're an angel!" Goku said without thinking. Sanzo was surprised by the sudden vehemence in the boy's voice, but Goku was already reigning in his own emotions, visibly forcing himself to control his excitement.
"You're my angel, Sanzo," he continued, more calmly. "You've saved me twice now. You're like a guardian angel watching over me." Goku smiled gently. "You don't have to do it, but you do- you make me feel safe. And someday I want to make you feel safe too. Someday I want to be able to protect you."
Sanzo was shaken by the boy's radiant devotion, having never imagined he could ever inspire such a reaction in someone before. Goku's love for him was written all over the boy's face, and Sanzo felt his own heart responding to that warmth.
A soft knock startled him, and he looked up at Hakkai, who stood apologetically in the doorway.
"I'm sorry for interrupting, but the police are here and they want to take your statement now, Sanzo," Hakkai said, and Sanzo nodded. Goku was about to pull away and follow Hakkai out when Sanzo gripped his hand tighter, silently asking him to stay. Goku was surprised but pleased, and he settled himself back down in the chair. Sanzo gave the boy's hand another brief squeeze before finally letting go.
They would talk more later. Right now he braced himself to deal with the memory of last night and the fresh blood on his hands.
….
Kou's stepmother looked up from her book as he entered the room. She took one look at his face and set the novel she was reading aside to give him her full attention.
Kou was still having a hard time believing what Lirin had told him- but she'd sounded so certain about what she'd heard that he couldn't bring himself to completely dismiss her worries. It had taken a few wide-eyed, sleepless nights to bring him to this point, but he was finally ready. He wanted the truth and he was ready to confront his stepmother to get it.
He kept his distance from her, leaning against the wall across the room with arms folded across his chest. He was exhausted- the only things keeping him standing were adrenaline and sheer force of will. His emotions were running high and it took a lot of his energy just to keep them off his face. But he'd made up his mind and was determined to see this through. Nothing was going to stop him.
"What's bothering you, dearest?" she asked him, her voice as loving and concerned as ever. He could detect no traces of hidden disgust in her words- but if what Lirin said was true, she'd been fooling him for years. That was a lot of practice.
"I'm going to ask you something and I want an honest answer," he said bluntly, having no energy to waste on games at the moment. "Do you love me?"
"Of course I love you!" she exclaimed, face and voice showing her shock at hearing such a question from him, but something struck Kou as odd about her answer. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, though, and the harder he concentrated on it the more it eluded him.
"What brought this on, dear?" she asked, and Kou shrugged, his face expressionless.
He watched her with new eyes- eyes not blinded by years of unquestioned, blind acceptance. He looked at her as he would a stranger… and he was troubled by what he saw.
On the surface, she was as concerned and maternal as he expected, but there was something else behind it- something unaffected and calculating. Her face showed worry but her body language seemed… contrived. She was leaning toward him but there was no emotion in it. She was like an actor in a play- someone who knew what was expected and went through all the right motions, but whose heart was kept separate and detached; always remembering it was just a role they played. Her act was masterfully done, but Kou wasn't blind anymore, and he saw the truth behind the act. She wasn't really concerned about his feelings at all.
Pain, betrayal, loss… they ate at his heart, and a great swell of anger rose within him. This woman was manipulating him for some reason, playing some sort of game with his emotions. He didn't know what she was after, but it was cruel and he almost hated her for it.
Because he knew that if she'd really cared about him at all, he would have done anything for her, given her anything she wanted… anything that was in his power to give. All he'd ever needed in this world was to be loved… it was all he cared about. If he had his family with him, nothing could ever be really wrong. And he'd believed in this woman. All his life, for as long as he could remember, she'd always been there- proclaiming her love for him. His own mother had abandoned him and his father, and this woman had come into their lives and cared for him like he was her own son. Or so he'd thought until now.
But why? Why the act? Why, after all this time, hadn't she at least grown to love him? Was it that difficult?
He looked at her coldly, his eyes glittering dangerously.
"Why are you lying to me?" he asked, and she gasped. She started to protest, but he held up his hand to stop her before she ever started.
"I don't want to hear any more of your lies. Just tell me why you've lied to me all this time."
Her eyes narrowed and she sat back in her chair, her entire posture changing- and she revealed her true self to Kou for the first time in his entire life. She gazed at him as if he were some particularly annoying insect and her lips twisted up into a cruel smile.
"I started because I thought that's what your father wanted to see," she said, then laughed. "Isn't it funny how wrong I was? He couldn't care less about anyone but himself." She snorted and bared her teeth in an almost feral snarl.
"And then I discovered your talent… and my, but you are talented. I decided that if your father was incapable of providing me with the life I've always wanted, I would get it from you. Only, I had to keep you under my thumb somehow so that you would be more than happy to give me whatever it is I wanted. Since I was already pretending, I figured I would just keep up the charade."
Mother and son considered each other coldly, eyes meeting in a silent battle. Kou's anger was growing by the second as his heart broke into a million tiny pieces.
"You know it's over now," he said, triumph shining in his eyes. "You'll get nothing from me."
His satisfaction faded as his statement was greeted by cold laughter. She looked at him and smiled almost merrily.
"I wouldn't speak too soon, if I were you," she said, her eyes dancing with glee. "I have something you want."
Kou snorted and shook his head.
"I don't want anything from you," he said, and she just kept smiling at him. He wanted to slap that smirk off her face, but something restrained him.
"I don't know about that," she said, folding her hands in her lap and grinning.
"What?" Kou asked. "What is it?" He was confused by her words and her smug confidence. What could she possibly have that he would want?
"I know where your real mother is," she said, and Kou's eyes widened in shock. It had been his understanding that his mother had just disappeared, leaving no trace of where she'd gone.
"Why would I want to know that?" he asked angrily. "That woman abandoned me!" His fists were clenched at his sides now, fury making him tremble all over.
"No. She didn't," his stepmother said with quiet satisfaction. "Your father and I told you that to keep you from bothering us about her. She would never have abandoned her only child."
Her words hit Kou like a ton of bricks. He couldn't think… couldn't breathe. His mother had loved him. She hadn't wanted to leave him after all….
"I can tell you where she is," his stepmother said, obviously enjoying his pain. "I can tell you everything. But in return you have to continue to do as I say and win that contest. I want to be filthy rich, Kougaiji. If you can provide that for me, I'll tell you everything I know."
She was watching him closely, and he knew that right now his emotions were written all over his face. He was filled with a wild hope- could he really find his mother? He wanted to. Suddenly it was the only thing in this world that mattered. He would find her and she would embrace him- her son. All he had to do was play this bitch's game and the truth would be his.
He strangled his hatred, locking it into the furthest reaches of his heart. He would play this game and give her what she wanted. The money didn't matter to him. She could have it all- as long as she told him the truth.
"You swear it? You'll tell me the truth?" he asked, and her wicked smile widened in victory.
"You have my word," she said, and Kou nodded.
"Fine. We have a deal. I'll give you everything."
"I know you will," she said, her voice once again as smooth as silk. "You're a dutiful son."