Love Song

Chapter Fourteen- Mean What You Say

By darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning.

Um, I know I say this every time, but that's because it never gets less true. GhostHelwig has helped me out SO much with this story! Thank you, Ghosty! You're the best!

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"Hey! I wanna play that one, big brother! Can I?" Lirin asked, her high-pitched voice adding to the general din of the arcade. She was fairly bursting with excitement, and Kou nodded absently to her.

"Do what you want," he said, handing over some tokens.

"Thanks, big brother!" she exclaimed, running off quickly. She darted through the crowd with the ease of a seasoned arcade visitor, and Yaone started after her.

"Lirin! Don't run off like that!" Yaone yelled, trying to make her way through the crowd. Kou watched them go and then handed some tokens to Doku, who remained where he was.

"Go enjoy yourself," Kou said, waving his hand at the games, but Doku just shook his head.

"I'd rather stay with you, if that's alright," he said. Kou shrugged. It made no difference to him.

"Suit yourself."

He walked over to one of the shooting games and deposited his tokens, trying to ignore Doku's presence.

He wasn't in the mood to have someone hovering over him like a mother hen. He wasn't even in the mood to be here, but this had been Ni's brilliant idea and he'd had no choice but to go along with it.

"Since you're so very good at playing games," Ni had said to him, "I thought you might enjoy a little trip to an arcade. After all… all work and no play makes little master Kougaiji a very sour little boy."

He'd wanted to strangle Ni- to slaughter his stepmother's henchman as he was unable to do to her- but in the end he'd held his temper in check like a good boy and resigned himself to wasting an entire day of his precious time. There were other things they should be doing- like rehearsing. They weren't up to snuff yet. Close, but not yet. Not when winning was so important. He had no idea what Ni was up to- why he'd sent them here… but Kou didn't like it. Ni shouldn't be encouraging them to waste their time on foolish games.

Kou's thoughts consumed him as he stared grimly at the screen and fired shot after shot. He wished the game were real, wished he could use it to force his stepmother to tell him the truth- but it wasn't and he couldn't, so he contented himself with imagining her face on the game's screen.

Doku watched Kou play for a while, then popped in his own tokens and picked up the other gun.

"Tell me what's going on, Kou," he said. "You've been in this foul mood for days."

"It's nothing," Kou growled, his lips pulling back into a snarl. He kept firing at the screen as if he were banishing something he hated.

"If you feel the need to keep lying to me, that's fine, but I thought we were friends. You listened to me and now it's my turn to do the same for you." Dokugakuji fired at the screen, destroying three of Kou's opponents. Kou was silent for a moment and then sighed and gave in.

"My stepmother detests me," he said softly, still keeping his eyes on the screen in front of him.

"What are you talking about? She totally dotes on you," Doku said, glancing sideways at Kou's profile.

"It's all an act. She's been lying to me this whole time." Kou's voice was emotionless but his eyes burned with fury at her betrayal.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Doku asked, giving Kou his full attention.

"She's been using me from the start- using me to get what she wants. Money." He sneered and shot the head off another imaginary "Lady" Koushu.

"So… if you don't want to do this, why don't you just tell her so? It's not like you owe her anything."

Kou shook his head in mute disagreement.

"I can't. She's got something I want- something important." The anger in Kou was bubbling to the surface. He was shaking with the force of it.

"What could be so important to you that you'd put up with this? It's not like you to let yourself be forced into anything."

Kou couldn't hold the gun steady any longer. He put it down and looked at his hands, trying to will them to become steadier. He curled his fingers into tight, white-knuckled fists.

"My mother. My real mother." He looked at Doku, his eyes glistening with frustrated tears that he refused to shed. "She knows where my mother is," he said in a voice choked with emotion.

Doku couldn't have been more surprised, but he placed a comforting hand on Kou's shoulder anyway.

"Just tell me how I can help you," he said, making his deep voice as reassuring as possible.

"We need to win. We need to become a hit. If I give her what she wants, she'll tell me how to find my mother."

"Not a problem, then," Doku said, smiling. "Of course we're going to make it big. Don't worry so much, Kou. She'll have her money soon and you'll have your mother. I'm sure of it."

Kou's face softened the slightest bit, Doku's confidence soothing his wound-up nerves.

"I have to keep my eye on the prize," Kou said, more to himself than to his friend, and Doku said nothing. He just gave Kou's shoulder a comforting squeeze and then cocked his head in the direction Yaone and Lirin had disappeared off to.

"What do you say we find Lirin before Yaone goes crazy?" he said, and Kou nodded absently once again.

He let himself be led away, not really caring where they were headed. Nothing mattered now but the goal. Nothing mattered now except finding his mother.

And finally finding the love he was searching for.

…

They'd paid the entry fee. Now they were committed.

Gojyo thought they should be committed. Or, at the very least, Sanzo should be. The man had regained much of his former strength over the last few days and had since become a maniac. He was an absolute slave driver- working them tirelessly, making them play their songs over and over until they met his exacting standards.

Gojyo couldn't count the number of times that he'd been so frustrated and tired that he'd wanted to quit. Hell, just yesterday he'd entertained the idea of smashing his bass over Sanzo's thick head to finally get them a break. He didn't think he could take two more weeks of this punishment.

His sore fingers fumbled the notes as weariness made them clumsy, and Sanzo's keen ears detected the slip-up right away. He motioned for Goku and Hakkai to stop and then turned to Gojyo, who was hanging his head, shoulders slumped.

"Fuck," Gojyo muttered, sounding defeated. It was all he could think of to say.

It was unnaturally quiet without music filling the air. All Gojyo could hear was the sound of their breathing.

"What the fuck was that supposed to be?" Sanzo asked, husky voice startlingly loud in the silence. Gojyo felt an instinctive, gut-twisting anger well up in him at the condescending tone of Sanzo's voice.

"That was me screwing up because I'm too damn exhausted to keep playing!" Gojyo snapped, fixing his furious gaze on Sanzo's arrogant face. "This is crazy! We've been playing for hours! When the hell do we get a break?"

"Quit whining, you worthless piece of shit. We've got work to do."

"Screw you, you self-righteous prick! You've got it easy! All you have to do is sing! Try wearing your fingers down to the bone for hours on end for some ungrateful bastard and see how you like it!"

Gojyo was yelling now, the last shreds of his self-control gone, and still Sanzo stood there with that detached, holier-than-thou look on his face. That was what really pissed him off. Sanzo didn't care who he upset or how anyone else felt as long as he got what he wanted. The longer he looked at that cold, emotionless face, the angrier he got.

"Are you finished yet?" Sanzo asked, folding his arms. He raised one eyebrow questioningly as he looked at Gojyo. "Or do you need more playtime? Just let us know if you can't keep up. We'll try to go easy on you."

Gojyo felt his fury reach its peak, and a strange, unnatural calm came over him. He set his bass down very carefully.

"Yeah, I'm done," he said, flipping the blonde off. "For good."

Gojyo walked out, feeling as if a tremendous weight had been lifted from his shoulders, and finally he could smile again.

"Prima Donna," Sanzo muttered, casually lighting a cigarette.

"I'm going to go after him," Hakkai said, rising to his feet, and Sanzo snorted.

"He'll be back," he said, ignoring Hakkai's obvious concern.

"What if he doesn't come back, Sanzo? What do we do then?" Goku asked hesitantly. Sanzo glanced at him and shrugged.

"If he really wants to do this, he'll come back. If he doesn't, better to find out now. Either way, if he can't take the stress, we don't need him."

Hakkai looked unconvinced, worry lines marring his youthful face.

"The past few months have been hard on all of us, Sanzo. We've been killing ourselves to prepare for this contest. Even you must be exhausted by now. Surely you can understand where Gojyo is coming from."

"Maybe," Sanzo said calmly. "One big difference, though. I'm still here."

Hakkai had no response to that.

"Well, I guess 'playtime' is over," he said quietly, staring longingly at the door Gojyo had just left through.

"That's what I was trying to tell him," Sanzo said.

And silence claimed the room once more.