Love Song
Chapter Fifteen- Ghosts and Monsters
By darthelwig
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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning!
Thanks to GhostHelwig for helping me out so damn much! Hey! This chapter is even named after you!
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Gojyo had lost count of the number of drinks he'd had. Everything past the sixth was a bit foggy, which was probably why he couldn't remember what possible reason he could've had to walk into this particular place on this particular night.
He sat at the bar, back to the crowd, listening to his brother play. It was some sort of sick cosmic joke. Had to be. How else would his brother have ended up playing the same damn instrument that he did?
The music washed over him, drowning him with its throbbing beat. It was so familiar and yet still so damn different. He'd played those notes a thousand times- back before Kou had left them to do his own thing, but now those notes had changed, had become something else in the hands of his brother.
He was relieved when the music ended and he was released from the hold of his memories. He didn't want to think about Sanzo or Hakkai right now, didn't want to imagine the confusion Goku must be feeling as his world unraveled yet again. He didn't need that guilt. He had enough of his own.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Doku asked, leaning casually against the bar next to Gojyo.
"Having another drink," Gojyo said, not looking at his brother. He sipped at his whiskey, letting it roll over his tongue before swallowing it down. That was the best part about hard liquors- they never stopped burning their way down, no matter how much you'd had to drink.
"Don't do it here. I don't want to see your face," Doku said, and Gojyo laughed.
"Funny. I never figured you for the type to run away from your problems. Then again, you sure as hell didn't try too hard to find me. Not that I blame you." Gojyo finished off his drink in one swallow and motioned at the bartender for another. He could sense the anger radiating from his brother's tense body, even if he didn't completely understand why he was so furious.
"Who are you mad at, brother? Me? Yourself?"
He looked at Doku's face and all of a sudden his emotions were boiling up inside of him. Maybe it was the coldness in his brother's eyes. Maybe it was the memory of that stinging blow. Hell, maybe it was just the damn liquor. Suddenly he could feel the pain of his childhood all over again, and it was too much to keep inside. The hurt had been buried for far too long to be ignored now.
Without meaning to, he began to speak, and his eyes held his brother's, refusing to let him look away.
"Do you know how long I waited for you? Do you? I kept telling myself you'd come for me. You'd find me and we'd be a happy family. Because to do what you did, you had to care. You must have loved me. But you never came. You never even wanted to.
"You know what I realized? Blood means less than nothing. Our mother hated me because of my blood. I didn't deserve it. You were the only family I had left and I was yours, but blood didn't matter to you. I was just another bad memory.
"So I built my own life with my own family- people who weren't my blood but who didn't care, because our ties are built on stronger things. And I saw how stupid I'd been to think that blood ever mattered."
Gojyo looked away and took a drink of his whiskey.
"The blood you spilled only matters if you let it. You want someone to blame for what happened? Blame her. She's the one who let it go that far. Blame yourself. You made the choice. I sure as hell never asked you to. But don't blame me. All I did was live."
Gojyo stood and swallowed the rest of his drink, relishing the heat that blossomed in its wake. He sighed contentedly and turned to look into his brother's stunned face.
"For what it's worth, thanks. I've wanted to say that to you for a long time. Thank you for saving my life. I kinda like being around, you know? Took me a long time to get to that point, but now that I am… thank you."
He smiled, feeling much lighter now that he'd said all of that. His mind felt clear again and he had a sudden, burning desire to see Hakkai. He felt ready again- ready to take on the world and tackle any challenge.
He lit a cigarette, savoring the sweet taste of freedom- both from his past and from the dreams he'd had of a future with his brother at his side.
"Oh, and thanks for this little talk," he said, winking at Doku. "I feel a lot better now that I've remembered who my true family is."
Gojyo walked out with a purpose in his mind and a spring in his step, and Doku watched his brother walk out of his life forever- strong, proud and unafraid. And all he could feel was bitter regret.
….
Hakkai had gone way past the point of 'concern'. He was nearly frantic with worry. Not that anyone could really tell, he knew, but he hadn't seen Gojyo since he'd stormed out earlier and panic was beginning to eat away at him.
Gojyo was certainly capable of taking care of himself, but it was unlike him to stay away for so long. He needed to find his lover, if only for his own peace of mind.
He'd searched everywhere he could think of. He'd asked all the girls if they'd seen him. He'd talked to all of Gojyo's acquaintances. He'd checked all the usual places. No one had seen Gojyo anywhere.
And that meant one thing. Gojyo had known Hakkai would look for him and didn't want to see him. He'd very effectively hidden himself from his lover, and there was not a thing Hakkai could do about it.
It was frustrating but, more than that, it hurt. Gojyo had never felt the need to avoid him before. That he would do so now, with their love openly acknowledged between them, was like a punch to the gut. He couldn't breathe, couldn't accept it… could barely even believe it. But he couldn't ignore the fact either.
He stepped outside the last club on his list and tucked his hands into his pockets, feeling lost.
"Did you lose something?" asked a voice he'd never heard before, and Hakkai looked up. A slender, somewhat shady-looking man was leaning against the wall, cigarette dangling carelessly from his lips. He was watching Hakkai with smiling eyes behind his glasses, and his lips were twisted into a thin smirk. Something about the man set Hakkai's teeth on edge and he had to force himself not to bare his teeth. His reaction to this stranger was instinctive and involuntary, and it came as a complete surprise to him. He wasn't used to having such a violent reaction to people.
"Or did you, perhaps, lose a someone?" the man asked, sounding almost gleefully happy. He chuckled, and the sound grated on Hakkai's nerves.
"Who are you?" he asked the stranger, his voice harsh and a bit angry. "And what do you know about it?"
"I know a lot of things," the man said, smiling. "I know who you're looking for and I know why you're searching so desperately for any sign of him. I also know you should probably give it up right now."
"What are you talking about?" Hakkai asked, his patience quickly running out. The casual attitude this man was displaying infuriated him.
"Your… friend… doesn't want to be found, wouldn't you say? It's obvious he's been rather careful to avoid you. Don't you think it would be better to leave him to his own devices right now?" The man's tone sounded reasonable, but Hakkai could sense the malice lurking behind it.
"I'm sorry, but I don't think I know what you're talking about," he said, shoving his temper back down.
"Really?" the man asked in his silky voice, sounding surprised and looking anything but. "Then maybe I should speak more plainly." The stranger's posture shifted subtly and now he seemed less casual and more threatening somehow, though he hadn't moved from the spot he was in.
"Your little friend Gojyo wants to be left alone," the man said, seeming more serious. "He doesn't want you around. Shoving yourself on him is a bit, well… selfish. Don't you agree?
"Will making yourself feel better actually make him happy?"
Hakkai suddenly didn't know what to say. The man was odd, no doubt about it, and he seemed to find some sort of twisted pleasure in his pain, but his words rang with bitter truth. They went straight to his heart, where the fear that he might not be enough to make Gojyo happy dwelt, and he felt all his insecurities begin to grow and multiply.
It was selfish to want to see Gojyo again when he'd taken such great pains to not be found. Gojyo had to have known he would look for him. If Gojyo didn't want to see him, what right did he have to make him? Wouldn't Gojyo just begin to feel smothered? Wouldn't he begin to regret their relationship or grow to resent his intrusion? That was the very last thing Hakkai wanted.
"But you're not thinking of him, are you? You're thinking about yourself. That's only natural, I suppose. Selfishness is just a part of human nature, after all. Still, it's human nature to want to be free as well. I hope you don't end up driving him away with all those selfish needs of yours."
Hakkai thought of Gojyo- how carefree and jovial he was, how he never cared to be tied down to one woman. He thought of their agreement to never ask for more than was freely offered. He was taking now, he knew. He was willing to take- to ask for Gojyo to come home with him, to put aside his own feelings and come back.
And he knew how selfish he was. He knew he was capable of being that. It was why he'd clung so tightly to their agreement in the first place. It kept him from wanting too much and ruining everything. And now, here he was, doing exactly what he'd sworn he wouldn't do.
He didn't want to limit Gojyo's freedom. That wild energy had been part of the attraction in the first place. He still loved that about Gojyo. He was dangerous and untamable, a creature born to be free. Winning Gojyo's love had been a blessing- but one he shouldn't take advantage of. Just because he could ask Gojyo to return didn't mean he should. He would be doing it for his own sake, because he needed Gojyo, and that was wrong. He would be using Gojyo's love against him.
Hakkai felt helpless and lost all of a sudden, and Ni saw it and his grin widened.
"I know you don't want to tie him down with your selfish desires," Ni said.
"Sounds kinky," came a new voice, and Hakkai swung around, eyes wide.
"Gojyo!" he cried, voice hoarse, and his lover smiled as he walked toward him.
"Sorry to keep you waiting," Gojyo said, putting an arm around Hakkai's shoulders. "I had some things to take care of."
He leaned against Hakkai heavily, the strong smell of booze clinging to his skin and clothes. It was the sweetest thing Hakkai had ever smelled.
"Well, it seems you've won this round," Hakkai heard the stranger murmur, and he turned back to face him.
"Who are you?" he asked. "How do you know us?"
The stranger shook his head and smiled his strange, quirky smile.
"That's for me to know and for you to find out," he said and walked away whistling an upbeat, happy tune.
Hakkai might have followed him and demanded answers if Gojyo hadn't been hanging on him. But his lover was here, with him, and he wouldn't leave him right now for anything.
"What's going on?" Gojyo asked, and now Hakkai could detect the slightly slurred quality of his voice. Gojyo had apparently been drinking a lot.
"You never could hold your liquor," Hakkai said fondly and put his arm around Gojyo's waist. Thoughts of selfishness didn't matter right now. Gojyo was here and everything was okay again. He'd come back on his own. There would be time to discuss things later, when his lover was sober. For now, all he wanted was to find someplace where they could be alone and hold Gojyo tight, letting his lover's very presence banish his lingering fears.
He led Gojyo away, headed for the nearest motel. They would have their time alone and Gojyo could recover. Then, if he wanted to, they could go back to Sanzo and Goku. Everything would seem better in the light of day.
Tonight they would simply rest.
….
Dougan had followed Sanzo and that boy for an hour. He'd spotted them walking together, the boy standing much too close to his Sanzo, and he'd decided to see what they were up to.
He'd done this before- following Sanzo. It made him feel closer to the man somehow, like they were sharing their lives. He'd learned a lot about Sanzo this way- his likes, his dislikes… but now there was this filthy little brat with him and Sanzo seemed different. It wasn't something he could really put a finger on, but it disturbed him nevertheless. That brat was changing Sanzo somehow and he didn't like it at all.
He followed them when they went to get food, watched them eat together. He wondered how Sanzo could stand sitting with that brat while he ate. His manners were atrocious.
He followed them back to the rehearsal hall, watching them talk. The boy seemed upset about something. Dougan was too far away to hear their conversation, but it seemed to be pretty significant. What surprised him was that Sanzo appeared to be comforting the damn brat. It wasn't obvious or done in the usual sense, with touches and soft smiles, but Dougan had been observing Sanzo for a long time and he could tell just from the man's body language and from the fact he was actually speaking. And whatever he was saying, it was calming the brat down.
Dougan could already feel the swell of hatred in his chest for the boy who seemed so close to Sanzo. That boy had taken his position in the band and was working on taking Sanzo away from him as well. He wouldn't… he couldn't… let that happen.
But they were stopping now, on a near-deserted stretch of sidewalk. Dougan ducked into a doorway, knowing the deep shadows would hide him, and watched as Sanzo and the boy kissed. Even from this distance he could see the intense desire of it in the way they held each other, hands exploring and grasping.
Jealous anger burned in him. His hands clenched into tight fists and he was unaware of the low growl in his throat.
How dare that brat touch his Sanzo? Sanzo belonged to him! He had no right to put his hands on Sanzo's body!
He wouldn't let this happen. Sanzo would be his and no one else's. He would see to that.
Sanzo belonged with him. He may not see it now, but Dougan knew he could change his mind. He would show Sanzo what true pleasure was. A stupid boy couldn't possibly know how to please a man like Sanzo, but he could, and he would.
A plan formed in his mind and his pants became tighter as his anticipation grew.
Sanzo and Goku went on with their kiss, oblivious to the danger lurking in the twisted heart hiding in the shadows, waiting to strike. They were lost in each other, and Dougan was lost to his hatred.
He knew what he had to do.