Love Song
Chapter Seventeen- The Calm Before the Storm
By darthelwig
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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning!
Thanks to GhostHelwig for seeing me through this difficult journey.
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"Seven more days," Kou muttered, staring at himself grimly in the bathroom mirror. Just seven more days until he gave the performance of his life. He wished he could find some of his old enthusiasm for it, but it seemed his joy had deserted him.
His fingers tightened their grip on the cold white porcelain of the sink. He felt so damn dirty, like he would never be clean again.
And it wasn't too difficult to see why he felt that way, now was it? He hated himself for selling his talent to his stepmother, letting her use him as just another tool to do what she wished. And he knew that's all he was to her.
He resented her for lying to him- for deceiving him and making him love her, then breaking his heart without a second thought. The depth of her cruelty still astounded him. Every time she spoke to him in that new, cold voice with that blatant disgust in her eyes, he was broken all over again.
He would never let her see that, though. It would provide her far too much pleasure. He would never allow her to see how much he still cared.
But he was fooling himself if he thought that was the only reason he felt so unclean. There was something else, wasn't there? Something he hadn't even told Dokugakuji. He didn't want to think about it, didn't want to know- but the knowledge burned in his heart anyway… searing him, scarring him.
Ni Jianyi was planning something. His stepmother had given Ni the responsibility of taking down Sanzo and the others before the contest and Kou knew Ni would do anything for her. The man, he'd discovered, had no conscience whatsoever. He knew Ni had already taken steps, though he didn't know what those were.
And he didn't want to know. Whatever Ni did had nothing to do with him. He wasn't responsible for anything Ni did to them.
But that wasn't really true, and in his heart Kou knew that. Ni was doing this so he could be sure to win. If he knew about Ni's plotting and did nothing to stop it, that was the same as helping him, wasn't it? And maybe it even made him worse than Ni, because those guys had been his friends.
How could he do this? How could he be allowing this to happen? Was winning the prize and finding his mother worth selling his own soul?
Sanzo wouldn't be doing this. Sanzo would never sink so low. He would have found another way. But he was not the same caliber of person that Sanzo was. He understood that now. Because he was willing to go to any lengths to get what he wanted most in this world. In that way, he was more like his stepmother than he cared to admit even to himself. The thought only depressed him further.
And thinking of Sanzo hurt too. He had feelings for the man, but he would have to crush those emotions if he was going to win. He couldn't allow himself any love for his enemy. It would only weaken him.
And they were enemies now. Sanzo stood in the way of his goal. Kou wasn't about to lose this fight when he'd sacrificed so much of himself already. He wanted something for his trouble- something to help him justify what he was doing. He wanted to win. He had to win. If he lost, he would be left with nothing- no mother, no pride… only the bitterness growing in his heart.
Kou clutched the sink as his stomach twisted. He gulped deep breaths against the sudden nausea, willing it to pass, forcing his body to calm down. Eventually he won the battle and the knots in his gut slowly began to unwind again, leaving him feeling weak and shaken.
He looked at himself in the mirror again, hating the emptiness in his eyes, and the bitterness grew just a little bit more, filling the hollow spaces in his wounded heart.
He wanted to cry but he had no tears left for himself or anyone else.
….
"Seven more days," Dokugakuji murmured, staring at the small picture in his hands. It was a picture of himself and Gojyo when they were much younger. Though those hadn't been the happiest days of his life, he remembered that they'd been in good spirits the day this picture had been taken. Both of them were grinning at the camera, looking carefree and happy.
The colors had faded somewhat, but he could still remember how vibrant and alive his brother had looked that day. They'd been much closer then, before death had entered their lives, staining his hands with the same crimson of his brother's hair.
He was surprised to realize now that he missed his brother. Sure, he'd been a little punk sometimes and was pretty obnoxious too, but they were family.
It was just a shame he hadn't realized that before he'd cost himself the chance to have Gojyo back in his life. If he knew his brother at all, he knew Gojyo always meant what he said. If he said it was over between them, then he really had given up.
He wasn't looking forward to seeing Gojyo again at the contest. He didn't need a reminder of how truly spectacularly he'd screwed up this time. He didn't know how he was going to face his brother, knowing Gojyo was all grown up now and didn't need or want him around.
He hated to admit it, but he was afraid- afraid to face the fact that he'd lost something he hadn't even realized was important until too late. He'd been such a fool, thinking he'd come so far when, in fact, he'd still been living in the past all this time. The ghost of his mother had come between them as surely as her death had all those years ago.
He held the photo gently in his large hands, remembering a time when they'd been innocent, and grieving for the boys they had been. Salty tears ran down his cheeks as he crumbled beneath the weight of his guilt and his shoulders shook with silent sobs.
Nothing would ever be the same for him.
….
"Seven more days," Hakkai whispered, running one finger along the edge of a cymbal. He picked up a drumstick and twirled it in his long, nimble fingers. It was a trick Kanan had helped him learn, accompanied by a great deal of laughter, of course.
She'd taken such pleasure in his music. She'd even encouraged him to join a band. He'd resisted, having never had a great love of the spotlight, insisting that he played only for her.
He'd cut himself off from everything that reminded him of her when she'd died. He hadn't felt worthy of anything that truly mattered after that. He'd been unable to save her, after all, so what right did he even have to live, much less find enjoyment in something?
He remembered the time immediately after her death as just a hazy blur. He could remember only bits and pieces with any clarity. He knew he'd sought out fight after fight, not caring if he lived any longer, just wanting the misery his life had become to end. He'd been unable to end it himself- not out of fear but to punish himself. If he was suffering, he deserved it.
He had no idea how long he remained in that state of blind self-loathing, and he could barely recall the night that changed everything around for him. He remembered being pummeled into the ground, being kicked and stomped and spat upon. He remembered the flash of a knife in the near-darkness, then warmth flowing down from his stomach as he bled. The rest was lost to him- until he saw Gojyo's face looking down at him in the rain.
That face hadn't cared whether he lived or not, and he'd smiled- because he thought he'd finally be allowed to join his Kanan. There would be no rescue from this uncaring person standing over him.
The next thing he remembered was waking up in Gojyo's tiny apartment, in pain but alive. He could've resented that man for saving him, for having a face that lied to him about its apathy, but he found he didn't want to. He'd felt strangely refreshed by Gojyo's blunt but good-natured presence and as they became closer he'd lost his will to die and found the will to live once again.
Kanan had been his world and he'd been broken when he lost her. Gojyo helped him build a new world- one for himself- and so he owed Gojyo his life. He'd been given a second chance to do something with himself and he didn't want to waste it.
So when he discovered Gojyo played bass, he took up the drums once again… and together they created this band. He still played for Kanan, but now he had another reason. Now he played for himself as well. Every time he played, he could feel the spark of his will burning within him- it was his life… it was joy… and he'd nearly lost it forever. That spark was what Gojyo had helped him to find again.
He'd made Kanan's dream for him into his own. In seven days he would make it happen. It would no longer be a dream, but reality. She would have been proud, and that thought warmed his heart even in his bleakest moments. Kanan would be proud.
Hakkai smiled and was glad.
….
'Seven more days,' the redhead thought to himself.
Gojyo sat with his back against the wall, his knees pulled up, and watched Hakkai twirl a drumstick between his fingers. He could sense his lover's mounting tension as the big day drew closer. Hakkai was more distracted every day, his attention focused on the contest.
Not that he blamed Hakkai in the slightest. The slow crawl of days was wearing on him as well. He'd never been very patient to begin with and this wait was driving him crazy. He wished the damn contest would just get here already so they could show everyone what they were made of and win the prize.
It never occurred to him that they might lose. They were too talented, too prepared… just too damn lucky to not make it big. He'd heard some bands play before that really lacked in talent and he could tell that they were different. Maybe it was foolish… he knew it was corny… but he believed in their ragtag little group. They would win because they'd left no other options open for themselves.
Besides, their biggest competition would be Kou's band and, while Kougaiji may have been an excellent guitarist, he couldn't carry an entire band on his own. The others weren't good enough to beat them.
He was looking forward to facing off against his brother, though. He refused to think Jien- Dokugakuji- was any better than he was. He wanted to prove that- to his brother and to himself. He wanted to show Jien how good he was. Then he could walk away happy, with no regrets about how their relationship had turned out.
Gojyo stretched and smiled, feeling the anticipation building in his stomach.
Seven more days… he could hardly wait.
….
"Seven more days," she said, smiling at herself in the mirror while she ran a brush through her long, thick hair.
"Lady" Koushu was pleased at the moment. Kougaiji was doing exactly as she had asked, preparing both himself and the others for the task ahead. Even Lirin seemed focused, and that in itself was a feat of some magnitude.
Kougaiji was proving himself to be exactly what she'd needed. All that was left now was the contest itself. Then she could look forward to him making and promoting an album, touring… and wealth. Finally, her goal was within reach. Her patience and planning were beginning to pay off and both she and Kougaiji would get exactly what they deserved.
Only one obstacle remained- Sanzo's group. Everything Ni had tried so far had failed. The bastards were still together, still playing, and had entered the contest. But Ni had promised her he had a foolproof plan this time, and she thought he might just be correct about that.
Her smile took on a cruel twist as she ran over the details in her head once more. It was risky, yes… but sometimes you had to risk it all to win big. She was willing to take that risk. She could practically taste victory now- nothing would get in her way. Nothing.
She hummed softly to herself as she dreamed about the future.
….
"Just seven more days now," Ni said, giggling to himself.
The game was coming down to its final stage, and things were really getting interesting. The air was ripe with emotion so intense that you could almost see the undercurrents swirling around them all. His dolls were coming alive as the final moments approached.
It excited him to see it happen, to feel their frantic energy. He could just imagine how much worse it was with Sanzo and his friends. They had to feel less prepared, more anxious and nervous about their own abilities.
He wished he could be there for that, but it was almost time to spring the final trap and he couldn't risk blowing things now. No, he would stay away for now, until the perfect time came to swoop in and wreck their chances for good.
He would enjoy their panic then. He would savor it like a fine wine- the perfect accompaniment to the victory he would be immersed in when young master Kougaiji won that silly contest.
He grinned to himself, whistling a merry tune as he reveled in the chaotic emotions around him. He was in his element.
….
'Seven more days!' The thought rang through Goku's head like a mantra. He got more excited with each passing minute, his emotions running high. He couldn't wait to be back onstage, to feel the audience's energy fill him again.
They hadn't booked any gigs in this last week, preferring to conserve their energy and use the time to rehearse for the big day, and the forced inactivity was maddening to him, with all his boundless energy.
He had used some of this time to finish his song, though. Sanzo had told him it was good, so he'd made a special effort to work on it. The guys had added their own input to it and they were all pretty pleased with the results so far. It needed more work before it was ready to be played for an audience, but it was actually finished and it was the first song he'd ever written. He was pretty proud of it.
He'd never been this happy or felt this alive before. Even pain meant he was living and he welcomed every emotion and sensation, however fleeting, with open arms. He wanted to experience everything the world had to offer.
Especially the feelings Sanzo caused in him. Just a single look from his angel's sultry eyes was enough to start that liquid heat building in his stomach. Every touch was like fuel thrown on the fire of his desire. Sanzo's kisses could wipe his mind blank of all rational thought, reducing him to pure instinct and need. He'd never felt anything like it before and he wanted more.
So far they hadn't had the opportunity to actually consummate their relationship, leaving both of them frustrated and aching with unrelieved sexual energy. If it didn't change soon, he'd end up humping Sanzo's leg like a dog.
He could just see his angel's face if he did that- the look would be priceless. He giggled at the image in his head, deciding he would share it with his angel later. Sanzo might even blush if he told him about that. Heck, it might even encourage him to make the time for them to be alone.
Gojyo and Hakkai had done it, but so far Sanzo had refused point blank to even consider getting a motel room, saying he wouldn't be caught dead in a place that filthy. He thought Sanzo was being silly about the whole thing, but he couldn't force his angel to take him to a motel. He'd just have to trust his angel's judgment and be patient a little while longer. Their lives were about to change and they were sure to find a suitable place soon.
He'd even thought about suggesting the back of the van- he'd heard about people doing that from Gojyo- but if Sanzo refused to go to a motel, he would be sure to say 'no' to the van idea.
He would just have to make do with the few embraces they'd shared for now, though he desperately wanted to see and touch and taste Sanzo's skin again. Maybe after the contest was over they'd have a chance to be together and he'd finally get to experience it all. He could wait for as long as his angel needed him to. Sanzo was, after all, worth the wait, and when they finally had their first time together it would be perfect.
He smiled to himself dreamily, lost in a fantasy filled with his angel's silky skin and breathy moans. It was the sweetest music they would ever make together.
And for the moment, all thoughts of contests and victory were pushed to the back of his mind.
….
"Seven more days," Sanzo mused quietly, taking another drag off his cigarette and exhaling slowly.
He stood in the darkness in an alley, watching from afar as the stages they would be performing on were assembled in the park across the street. He'd had to come and see this for himself. Very soon they would be up on one of those stages- he'd wanted to get a feel for the place before that happened, when the entire park would be jammed with people.
He wondered vaguely where the damn monkey had run off to. Goku had accompanied him out here, but he'd gotten bored rather quickly, so Sanzo had sent him off to do whatever it was he wanted to do.
He wasn't particularly worried about the boy. Goku had a good head on his shoulders and would stay out of trouble. It just felt strange not to have the boy at his side. He'd gotten so used to Goku's presence that he no longer even consciously noticed it unless Goku was gone- and then he felt like some important piece of himself was missing.
He'd slowly come to realize that he would never feel complete without Goku again. It was a humbling, if somewhat worrying, thought… but he didn't wish for it to change. Goku was the first person in years who made him truly happy.
His thoughts drifted to his father- the only other person he'd trusted as much as he trusted Goku. He wondered if his father would be proud of where he was in life. He'd tried so hard to live the way his father had taught him to- with strength, independence and faith in himself.
He believed now that his father would have been proud of him, especially when it came to his relationship with Goku. It had taken a lot of courage for him to open up to someone again and allow the boy into his heart, but he'd done it. He'd conquered the fear that bastard Shuuei had instilled in him and he was stronger for having done so. His fear had crippled him, but now he was healing and well on his way to being whole again.
He had no remorse left in him for killing Shuuei. The man had been a threat. Shuuei would have killed both him and Goku in a heartbeat if he hadn't been stopped. He had done what he had to do to save their lives.
And killing Shuuei had proven to him that the monster he'd feared was larger in his mind than it was in reality. Taking Shuuei's life had been ridiculously simple, after all, and it made the little boy inside him feel safer. His father would have understood how he felt.
Maybe another person would have had difficulty dealing with the fact they'd taken a life, but not him- and not for Shuuei. He would never regret killing the man who'd stolen his last- and most precious- vestige of innocence from him.
Lost in thought, he stood there, eyes gazing blankly out into space- no longer seeing the stages under construction or the people in the park. His mind was revisiting an earlier time- when one man's smile had hidden a perverse cruelty from an unsuspecting boy.
And that same boy, now a man, was too distracted by memories to sense another twisted smile full of cruel intent lurking behind him in the shadows.