Love Song
Chapter Twenty Two- To Everything There Is an End
By darthelwig
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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning!
This is it- the final chapter. Of course, there will be an epilogue, but this is the end of their journey. Or is it?
A/N: All lyrics in this chapter were WRITTEN BY ME specifically for this story.
Anyway, thank you to everyone who's reviewed me. I love you guys. Especially the repeat offenders….!
Thanks to GhostHelwig for all the moral support and for helping me pound out the numerous plot points that would've tripped me up in this slightly convoluted storyline. You've been the picture of patience. Thank you!
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Doku worried as he watched Kou walk across the stage to help Lirin get her drum kit set up again.
When they'd first gotten here, Kou had been full of energy, nearly bursting at the seams with his impatience to get onstage and shine, but now….
Now it seemed like he was just going through the motions, and that was no way to be if they wanted to win. Something was obviously bothering his friend, distracting him from the course they'd set for themselves, and he didn't know how to get Kou back on track.
He'd tried talking to him while they made their way back to their stage, but Kou had just waved him off like his concerns meant absolutely nothing. It had hurt to be so summarily dismissed by his best friend, but he kept that hurt to himself, not wanting to burden Kou with yet another problem when they already had so much to think about.
He could trust in Kou, couldn't he? Kou wanted this more badly than anyone. He would do his best, wouldn't he?
Maybe he was just conserving his energy for the song or something. He couldn't imagine Kou doing anything that would jeopardize his chances at winning today. He knew how important this was to his friend.
So where was the fire? Where was the drive that Kou had demonstrated all this time? Where had his energy and determination gone? All that seemed to be left was a hollow shell. Surely Kou hadn't given up yet….
That thought caught in his mind, pulling at his attention. Was that it? Had Kou given up? It wasn't like him to surrender so easily, but it seemed to be what he was doing.
Doku couldn't let that happen- not without trying to help. The battle wasn't over yet. They still had a chance!
He walked over to Kou with cool determination and put a hand on his friend's shoulder. Kou looked up at him, his violet eyes dull and lifeless, and Doku squeezed his shoulder tightly, making him wince.
"Don't you dare give up on us now, Kou. This isn't over yet."
"You don't understand," Kou said, glancing away, but Doku squeezed his shoulder tighter to get his attention again.
"No. I don't understand what happened between you and Sanzo. But I don't have to. It's got nothing to do with this. This is about us- you, me, Lirin and Yaone. We're a team, Kou. We'll back you up. But you've gotta do your part. Don't lie down and die at the first hint of trouble! We've come this far and now it's time for us to go all the way!"
His eyes blazed with anger as he lashed out at his best friend, trying to bring the fire back into his eyes. Something seemed to click and Kou's face slowly changed, becoming more alive and animated. Kou smiled thinly and Doku saw his fingers clench into tight fists, and he knew he'd reached Kou at last. The spark was back, and he was relieved to see it.
He released his hold on Kou's shoulder and took a step back as Kou rose to his feet and turned to gaze out over the crowd, to where Sanzo and the others were on their own stage.
"What's done is done… is that it?" Kou asked, and Doku nodded.
"Let the past go, Kou. Whatever it is, it's done. We've got to keep moving forward, no matter what."
"I've got to keep my eye on the prize," Kou said, his determination slowly returning. He smiled again, and this time it was full of confidence and energy. He hadn't looked so much like his old self in weeks.
Doku felt a new surge of confidence fill him as he gazed upon the face of his friend and saw Kou's strength return.
"Let's do this," Kou said, and they shared a smile.
Everything was going to be okay. All they had to do was stick together.
….
Sanzo put his head in his hands and resisted the urge to start tearing heads off. He had to keep reminding himself that it would be counterproductive to start dismantling his band mates at this point in time. But why couldn't they just be reasonable for once?
"All we have left are a few cover songs," Hakkai was saying. "We didn't have enough time. We already played everything we've written."
"We can't do a cover!" Gojyo said. "That's career suicide! No one will take us seriously if we do that- including the judges!"
"And your idea is any better?" Hakkai said, beginning to lose his temper as the stress got to him. "A jam session?"
Sanzo could hear the frustration and uncertainty behind the anger, and he understood it perfectly. This was getting them nowhere. They'd been arguing this point for far too long already. Neither choice was acceptable to him.
He looked up as the announcer welcomed Kou's group back to the stage. The music started up immediately, full of throbbing energy, and they could feel the audience's enthusiasm as the noise level went up drastically.
"We're out of time," he said simply.
"Well, what do you suggest?" Gojyo asked him. "Tell us, fearless leader."
Sanzo ignored the sarcasm and tried to think. They just needed one song. How hard could it be to find one stupid song to play? They weren't going to be defeated by such a simple little thing. No way. Not even if he had to write a song right here and right now.
His gaze fell on Goku, who had wisely decided to stay out of Gojyo and Hakkai's argument. The boy stood off to the side a bit, peering out at the crowd.
Sanzo couldn't blame the boy for being distracted. Goku was still new to all this and this was, by far, the largest crowd they'd ever played for. Goku had probably never seen this many people all at once before in his life. Of course, life was full of firsts for someone who'd been kept locked in a basement all his life.
And speaking of firsts….
A sudden thought occurred to him, and a slow grin spread over his face. Gojyo took a step backwards when he saw that smile, not liking the look of it a bit. Hakkai merely raised an eyebrow in mute surprise. He'd never seen Sanzo smile like that before.
"We've already used all the songs we've written, right?" he asked, still smiling wickedly.
"That's what we've been saying! Haven't you been listening at all?" Gojyo replied, throwing his hands up in defeat.
"We haven't used the song he wrote," Sanzo said, nodding in Goku's direction.
"Are you crazy?" Gojyo asked, yelling. "It's not ready!"
Gojyo stood there, fists planted on his hips and glaring at the blonde, stubbornly refusing to back down.
"He's right, Sanzo," Hakkai said quietly. "We're nowhere near ready. We've only run through it a couple of times."
Sanzo looked at the two of them and the smile vanished from his face.
"If you two want to give up right now, then by all means, let me know and we'll forfeit right now. But if you want to win you have to have the guts to take a chance," Sanzo said coldly. "If we're going to lose, we should lose playing our own damn songs. Where the hell is your pride?"
"You self-righteous little prick!" Gojyo yelled, his face flushed and a vein throbbing at his temple. Hakkai stopped him from continuing his rant by simply placing a hand on his arm. Gojyo looked at his lover in surprise and reigned in his anger a bit.
"Sanzo has a point, Gojyo," he said thoughtfully. "Our ideas don't seem to be what we need. We're out of options. Why don't we give this a try, at least? It certainly can't hurt our chances." A small, sad smile graced Hakkai's lips.
Gojyo glanced at Sanzo again, then looked back to Hakkai and his anger melted away. He sighed and shook his head, resigning himself to his fate.
"Fine," he said curtly, "but did you even learn the lyrics?"
"No, I didn't," Sanzo said. He turned to Goku before Gojyo could say anything he'd have to make the redhead regret.
"Goku," he said, drawing the boy's attention.
"Yeah, Sanzo?"
"You're singing our last song," Sanzo said, and Gojyo sputtered, but he ignored him. Instead he focused on Goku, who looked suddenly fearful.
"But Sanzo… I can't sing!" the boy said, looking horrified by the very idea.
"You can sing just fine. I've heard you. And you'll be singing your song for us. I can't."
Sanzo glanced at Gojyo, who stood there slack-jawed and shocked.
"I won't sing that song. It's his. Let him do it," Sanzo said, ending the argument before it even began.
"If we lose today, I'm kicking your ass," Gojyo growled, the fire returning to his eyes. Sanzo gazed coolly at the hotheaded redhead for a moment before dismissing him and turning back to Goku.
"You can do this," he told the boy. "I know you can."
Goku stared at him, speechless, but then he visibly gathered his courage and straightened his spine, determined to make this work. Sanzo watched the gleam of stubborn confidence return to Goku's eyes as the boy mentally prepared himself to meet this new challenge head-on.
He was suddenly, inexplicably aroused and he would have kissed Goku if Kougaiji hadn't ended his song at that very moment.
"We're on," Hakkai said, and as they went onstage, Sanzo smiled again.
Putting his fate in someone else's hands had never felt so good or so right before.
….
Goku felt the music fill him as he strummed the first chords of his song. He'd never imagined he'd be the one up here in the spotlight. It felt strange to be in Sanzo's place, fighting this last battle for him, but he wasn't going to let his angel down. If Sanzo believed in him, then he could do this. He wouldn't fail his love.
He let the music blot out the sound of the crowd in his ears, focusing only on the notes in his head, letting them flow through his fingers. It was easier to play once his awareness of the audience faded away. He imagined he was playing directly for his angel, watching his love's face as he began to sing.
"I won't lose you.
Through all the places we have been and all the time that we have spent-
Wandering- I'll never lose sight of your light."
He wasn't aware of the crowd's murmur as they were absorbed by the sad, sweet music he was playing. He was only vaguely aware of Gojyo and Hakkai backing him. His mind was focused elsewhere- on violet eyes that shone with a hidden warmth and passion… piercing eyes that saw straight to his heart. He sang for his angel.
"In the darkness of this night, I breathe.
I breathe you into me and I feel.
I feel the ghost of you beside me and I know…
I know that you are never truly gone."
The music flowed directly from his heart to his fingers. This was his love song.
"And I won't lose you.
Should all the pieces of my heart be lost somehow to the void-
Wondering- Why I didn't fight for your light."
His eyes closed, he sang. All the hurt he'd felt, all the happiness he'd had since and all the love he possessed- he poured it out through his voice and fingers, baring his heart and exposing the depth of the emotions in his soul.
He was so lost in his imaginings that he wasn't even surprised when Sanzo's voice joined his for the next chorus.
"In the darkness of this night, I breathe.
I breathe you into me and I feel.
I feel the ghost of you beside me and I know…
I know that you are never truly gone."
Their voices blended, Sanzo's low, hoarse rasp the perfect foil to his own higher, sweeter tone. It seemed completely natural to him for Sanzo's voice to meet and harmonize with his, like he'd been waiting for this without realizing it. Their voices were completely different, yet they matched somehow and it just felt right.
"In this heart, in these bones,
In this flesh- I'm not alone.
Though I may walk this path without you,
Your light will lead me home."
Their voices trailed off, still perfectly intertwined even as they faded into the distance. Goku opened his eyes as he played the final chords of the song, feeling drained and a bit shaky.
The sounds of the crowd seemed even louder as they registered in his brain again, and he stood there stunned as he gazed out over the sea of upraised faces.
"You damn bastard! You said you didn't know the lyrics!" Gojyo yelled behind him.
"So I lied," Sanzo said calmly.
Goku took off his guitar and turned around to see his angel standing off to the side. Their eyes met- one gaze golden and awed, one gaze violet and glowing with satisfaction. He saw the slightest upturn at the corners of Sanzo's lips and he knew it was a secret smile- one meant just for him.
Gojyo leaned toward Sanzo, fists clenched and shaking.
"You're so twisted!" he yelled, and Goku laughed in delight. If Gojyo felt good enough to argue, he must think they'd done well.
Hakkai parted Gojyo and Sanzo before things could get really heated up, pulling his lover from the stage almost roughly. Gojyo yelped in surprise, but he knew better than to argue with Hakkai, so he followed almost peacefully.
Sanzo tilted his head in the direction the two had gone and smiled openly this time.
"Let's go," he said, walking away, and Goku bounded after him, adrenaline giving him more energy than usual. He grabbed Sanzo's arm and held it as they made their way offstage.
"Thanks, Sanzo," he said quietly, gazing at his love in adoration and gratitude.
"For what?" his angel asked him, glancing at him curiously.
"For… everything, I guess," Goku said, words failing him. There was so much in his life to thank his angel for, he didn't even know where to begin.
"It's not like I have a choice," Sanzo said. "You call to me."
He smiled tenderly at Goku, the expression only slightly out of place on his face, and the boy grinned happily, not caring if they won or lost at that moment. He was too busy being in love.
….
Kou approached his stepmother on legs that could barely support him. He'd never considered himself a coward, but perhaps he should have. He was terrified, and he hated it. He hated the weakness that was flooding his body, making him shake uncontrollably. But there was nothing he could do. He couldn't calm the frantic racing of his heart any more than he could stop the hands of time and make all this go away.
He stood at his stepmother's side, waiting for the announcement that would decide his fate. There were no more choices to be made, no more chances to change his path. Like a spider to a fly, she had ensnared him, his useless struggles only serving to further entangle him in her web. Now there was only this- the final score to the game he'd willingly played, and he was afraid.
He glanced over to where Sanzo and the others waited next to the other end of the stage. They looked just as tense as he was. It was understandable. It had been a long shot putting that kid onstage like they had. Soon they would find out if their gamble had paid off.
Kou's heart skipped a beat when the host's voice crackled over the PA system again. He tried to steel himself against the weakness threatening to send him to his knees as he waited for the final verdict.
"If you lose, you'll have only yourself to blame," his stepmother said coldly, her words obviously meant to punish him.
"I know that," Kou whispered harshly, his pulse starting to pound in his ears.
"All right! The judges have made their decision! And the winner of this Battle of the Bands Competition is…."
Kou's blood was rushing in his ears, drowning out all other sound. He had to strain to hear the name that was being announced.
"The winner is… Shangri-La!"
Kou staggered, feeling like he'd just been punched in the gut. He couldn't breathe, couldn't hear, couldn't see- his senses were being swallowed up by the despair filling his heart.
He didn't cry. He had no tears left. But he gulped air, trying to fill lungs that seemed devoid of life. He clutched his chest, fingers digging into his own flesh through his thin shirt, but he couldn't feel the pain.
He did feel the stinging slap his stepmother landed on his cheek. His head snapped to the side with the force of the blow, his eyes wide with shock. Never before had she ever struck him. He'd almost believed she never would.
"You pathetic excuse for a son! Do you realize how much of my time and effort you just wasted?" She was screaming at him, and she raised her hand to hit him again, but he caught her wrist and leveled his furious gaze at her.
"I'm done with you," he said with a feral grin.
"What are you talking about?" she asked, trying to pull her hand out of his firm grasp, but Kou just gripped her wrist painfully tight, refusing to let her go. She would hear what he had to say, damn it. He'd taken enough from her.
"We're through. Finished. I won't play for you anymore. Find some other poor sucker to play your twisted little games. I'm done."
Kou stood a little straighter, his anger giving him the strength to face her. He may not ever find his mother, but he had himself back again, and it felt good.
"You need me," his stepmother said, sneering at him. "You'll never find your mother without my help."
Kou looked at his stepmother's face, so twisted in hatred that he almost didn't recognize her, and he felt the first stirrings of pity in his chest. This woman didn't even know the meaning of the word love, and she was a lesser person because of it. She would never know, because her heart was incapable of such an emotion. It saddened him that the woman he'd grown up loving would never know, never understand, how powerful an emotion love was and what she had meant to him.
"If my mother loves me, like you say she does," Kou said, "she would want me to be able to hold my head up high. She would rather I live happily without her than sell my soul to the likes of you."
His stepmother looked stunned by his words, as if she'd finally realized that her hold over him was broken. He wasn't going to let her pull his strings any longer.
Kou released her wrist, not wanting to touch her any longer. He started to turn away when her voice stopped him. She was laughing. He looked at her again, his eyes cold, and waited for her to speak.
"You think you can find your precious mommy all by yourself?" she said, sneering again. "You think you'll find your happy ending? Think again. It's too late for that."
She laughed, enjoying her own joke. Kou's eyes narrowed dangerously as she slowly regained control of herself.
"What the hell are you talking about?" he asked, quickly running out of patience for her game playing.
"Your mother is dead, Kougaiji. She died years ago. It was a freak accident, of course, but what a relief! She wouldn't stop asking your father and me to let her see you... as if that was ever going to happen."
She was cut off by Kou's fist as it smashed into her face, knocking her flat. She looked up at him with wide, frightened eyes and pressed one slim hand to her wounded face, where a large bruise was already forming.
"If you know what's good for you, those are the last words you'll ever say about my mother. Except for one thing- where is she buried?"
His cold gaze left no question as to what would happen to her if she continued to play games with him.
"Houtou Cemetery," she choked out around the lump of fear in her throat.
Kou gave no indication he'd even heard he words. His face remained a mask, but then he turned and walked away, leaving her sitting stunned and alone on the ground.
Kou walked away from her, feeling lighter than he had in months. The weight of his guilt still remained. He doubted he'd ever be truly free of it, but it was more manageable now somehow. He felt like he had just woken up from a long, terrible nightmare, and the whole world seemed new.
He'd finally made the right choice, and it felt better than he could've imagined. He raised his face to the sky, feeling the sun warm his skin, and he smiled.
….
"We're gonna lose. I know it," Gojyo muttered, drawing the angry gaze of all three of his band mates. He raised his hands and shrugged.
"I'm just saying- so don't hurt me." He took another drag off his cigarette and tried to be calm, but Goku could see how tense Gojyo remained.
He couldn't really blame him. They were all feeling the strain of waiting for the winners to be announced. Gojyo was only the most obvious about it. Well, next to him, of course.
He knew he was about to drive Sanzo mad with all his fidgeting, but he couldn't help it. Excitement ran thick through his veins at the moment and it was all he could do not to jump up and start hopping up and down just to relieve himself of some of that excess energy.
He nearly jumped out of his skin when the announcement finally came. Hakkai closed his eyes, Gojyo grabbed Hakkai's hand and Sanzo took a deep drag off his cigarette. Goku could tell how tense his angel really was by the fact that he wasn't looking tense at all… just a bit bored.
As for himself, his entire body tensed up, every inch of him aching with anticipation.
"And the winner is… Shangri-La!"
He jumped up in the air with a wild cry of exaltation, arms stretched skyward in victory. He threw his arms around Sanzo's neck and hugged his angel tight, and Sanzo tossed away his cigarette and gave him a small smile.
"Was there any doubt?" he asked teasingly, and Goku couldn't help but grin.
Gojyo and Hakkai were locked in a kiss and Goku would have let them stay that way, but Sanzo rolled his eyes.
"Hey. They need us onstage," he said, giving Gojyo a hard shove on the shoulder before taking Goku's hand and leading him toward the stairs.
Hakkai laughed as he and Gojyo broke their kiss at Sanzo's less than subtle urging, but Gojyo seemed a little put out.
"Prick," he called out at Sanzo's back, but he followed them up the stairs anyway.
Goku stopped at the top of the stairs, surprised by the bright golden sunlight that flooded over him. He pulled his hand away from Sanzo to shade his eyes.
"Goku?" Sanzo said questioningly, turning back to look at him. The sunlight caught in his hair, turning it to liquid gold that burned as brightly as the sun itself, and Goku was caught in it, dazed by his angel's radiance.
Then Sanzo reached out his hand to him, his expression one of tender understanding.
"Hurry up, you stupid monkey," Sanzo said, a smile in his voice, and Goku reached out with trembling fingers to take his angel's hand in his own.
And as Sanzo drew him out into the warm sunlight, he smiled.