Disclaimer: All characters belong to the divine JKR. This fic contains no spoilers for HBP as I finished writting it before the novel was published it does not deal with the the death of the character that dies in the book.
A/N: This one-shot has been begging me to write it down for sometime, I had resisted as it deals with death. However it needed to be written and so the result is what follows this author's note. If you get to the end please leave a review letting me know your thoughts. Many Thanks. MA
You are Dead
By Morgana-Alex
You are dead. Funny isn't it that right now that is the only thought in my head. Not how much I loved you or you me, not how you made my life complete, not how you enriched every day I was with you, just you are dead.
Everything screams she is dead, your office, your bedroom, the entire school is awash with the cries, she is dead.
I wasn't even there when you fell, when your foot went from under you on the top step of the grand staircase. You had been walking alone in almost the middle of the night, no one witnessed your decent, and no one heard any sound as you plunged 30ft to the ground.
The spell Poppy cast told us that you had been there just over an hour when the Bloody Baron found you and alerted the staff, the spell also told us that your neck had broken and that you had died in an instant.
I am trying to find some comfort in the fact you suffered no pain but any comfort I find is annulled by the fact that you died alone.
I find myself wondering if you had the time to be scared, if you had the time to know that you were going to die or did you just expect to break a few bones and gain a few bruises.
Did your Griffindor courage hold out or were you frightened, what went through your mind in those last moments, those mere seconds, your last of this world.
I have only questions, no answers and I find myself angry with you for leaving me alone in this far from pleasant land.
Selfish I know, but for a single moment of lost balance you would be here now comforting me through this nightmare, delivering platitudes with perfection, telling me that as long as the sun rose in the morning there would always be hope.
The sun rose this morning and yet there is no hope in my heart, I cannot find joy in a world without you.
I watched as they carried your body away, orderlies from St. Mungo's summoned by Poppy, her last coherent act before she broke down and had to be given a dreamless sleep potion to prevent her from accidentally injuring herself in her disordered grief.
Severus took watch over the infirmary and it's incapacitated nurse, his stoic composure in place as always, his eyes betraying only the slightest sorrow. Everyone knows he will be the last to utter a public display of pain, but he will voice one and some take comfort in the fact that even the mighty fall.
Fall; we are back yet again to that word, how could my graceful kitten lose her equilibrium at such an inopportune moment?
I can hear you now my kitten, telling me that I might as well ask 'why is life so unfair' and stamp my feet like a child.
I seek an answer I shall never know, I seek logic where none exists, I seek the solace only to be found in the sweet oblivion of death.
Yet if I truly believe that death is oblivion what reason do I have to survive? As life without you is not living, it is merely going through the motions. My only reason to get out of bed in the morning and continue to breathe died with you.
Cornelius sent his condolences with his usual stack of requests; he had the gall to tell me that life goes on, that you would have wanted me to carry on helping the ministry to the best of my ability. You would have been proud of me my dear I resisted the desire to tell him what he could do with his requests and indeed what he could to with himself.
However, should he arrive at Hogwarts I make no promises as to my conduct.
I am in your quarters now looking around like the lost puppy I am, it still seems silly to me that after 15 years we retained any kind of pretence at separate chambers yet to the untrained eye these rooms belong to you and no one else, the Griffindor colours and family tartan as bold as the woman who took pride in them; the books, ancient tomes and brand new novels sit side by side their seeming chaos is…was your order.
The portrait above the headboard of the bed, a beautiful piece of art and the only muggle painting that has ever held my attention, it is of course the only muggle painting of you.
I will never cease to be in awe of the artist and his talent, a talent that cannot be matched even in the wizarding world. I feel like staying here forever just drinking in your smiling face, a smile full of promises, a smile I will never see again because… you are dead…
Piles of parchment sit on your desk uncharacteristically unmarked, they stand as a testament of the surreal quality of this day, paper work lies beside it and I am reminded that your duties to Hogwarts are…were numerous and for a moment I am lost in the quagmire that is school administration.
I move to sit on my chair, one of 2 chairs that reside in front of the fire in your chambers. This morning the embers of the fire you must have lit last night are almost dead, fitting I suppose. But I grab my wand and command the fire to spring to life, just as I wish I could have done for you.
If only I had been there with you, if only I had not decided to finish my paperwork before seeking you out, if only life was not so unfair.
They say that way madness lies and at this moment in time madness seems ideal, how lovely it would be to go mad, would I feel pain as keenly as I do now? Would I miss you quite as much as I do right this minute?
Merlin you have been dead less that 4 hours and in truth I still expect to wake from a nightmare to see your face, and feel your hands soothing my brow.
I do not want to believe that you are truly gone; indeed I point blankly refuse to believe that you are gone forever.
I look across to your chair; it is sitting there as if it is waiting for you to return, I share the sentiment. Your favourite shawl is draped over its right arm the green silk dancing in the glow of the fire and I am reminded that you will never sit in that chair again, that you will never wear that shawl and both objects scream at me in case I could forget that you are dead…
The End
A/N: Yes I know that by ending it there the tale seems incomplete, but that is the point. Grief doesn't end; there are no clean edges, no absolutes, it never goes away, it may get different and one day you may find dealing with it on a day to day basis easier but it is always there.
I know this was a sad piece but it popped into my head and had to be written down.
I know what it is like to lose the one you love in a tragic accident and so I tried to incorporate a little of what that felt like in this one-shot. I happen to think I failed miserably with that endeavour, however if you have the time please leave a review to let me know what you thought. Morgana-Alex