Disclaimer: Same as usual... I deem that all things I did not invent myself, belong to the capitalist pig dogs who horde their billions and leave the rest of us in constant money troubles. Enjoy!
One of those momentous occasions when I actually get an idea for the next chapter, right after I finished the last one. Don't get used to it, lol.
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At first, Hermione was saddened beyond all comprehension when she heard Snape say that they could no longer continue their affair. He had almost died and all she could think of was that it was partially her fault.
She went straight to her room, planning on weeping her depression out the entire Sunday, but what she didn't plan on was all the time she would have with herself to think and contemplate and that was the most dangerous of all.
Alone, in her room, she imagined the Dark Lord torturing Severus, and then, when she fell asleep, she recalled that moment when he said, in his private chambers, that it was too dangerous, and that Voldemort doesn't like his most important potions master to find any joy at all, considering his life of mundane emotions.
"He doesn't want you anymore." the voice would slither through her mind. She'd see that sallow, pale, serpentine face in her thoughts. "He's worried about his own neck. He doesn't care enough about you to take that risk," it would continue to state.
She would shriek "no" but it continued it's verbal assault.
Then after hours of agony, over the same voice and the same face of the Dark Lord, she heard another. "It really was just about the sex. There was no real attraction. He just liked my body." It was her voice, strong, and determined.
That's when Hermione got angry. She got up from her bed and every muscle and bone in her body had hurt from all of the crying and tossing. She went to her private bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror. Her face was pale and blotchy, and there were too extremely large, purple bags under her eyes. She cupped her hands in the basin full of water and splashed some on her face. She then took a brush and started evening out her knotted hair then she put it neatly in a ponytail on the back of her head.
"You're not a big enough risk, Granger," she said to her reflection. She looked again at herself, this time with a more mature perspective. And it hit her.
What are you doing to yourself? Look at you! She gave a frustrated shriek. This was adult Hermione in the mirror, not thirteen-year-old Hermione! It was last week all over again. She was jumping to conclusions and that always made things worse. It was time to grow up and see the situation for what it truly was. Severus was in danger from exposing himself and possibly the entire Order. He had to think of the greater good, and though he expressed his desire to be involved with her, he knew that he couldn't. It was as simple as that, and Hermione wasn't going to dawdle on it any longer.
The light in her window now shone bright. It had to have been around eight in the morning and she had barely gotten any sleep. So with resolution, Hermione stripped down to her underwear, throwing her previous garments at the wall, and slowly slid underneath her inviting covers for a short nap, only a couple of hours; just in time for brunch. She fell into a comfortable, dreamless slumber, acknowledging her resolve in abdicating her feelings towards Professor Snape and moving on with her life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Easier said than done, for her. She woke up with a headache, and had to go to Madame Pomfrey for aspirin before proceeding down to the Great Hall. On the way there, her mind was racing. You have to stay focused, Hermione. Remember: He didn't dump you, he just can't have you.
That didn't stop him from having you twice.
"Stop that!" Hermione said to herself, stopping. Students looked at her, weirdly, wondering if she was mad by talking to herself. She quickly looked around to see if anyone of importance had heard her and quickly took a left out onto the grounds. She clearly wasn't ready to greet people.
A chill whipped at her legs. The last snow was two weeks ago, so all of it had melted, but it was still quite cold, though she didn't mind it. It helped clear her head. She was wandering around the lake, thinking of how she was going to get through this.
Assessing the risk. That was what Hermione was good at. A couple of choice encounters and a possibility of more was only what she was losing; the sex was something that didn't matter. Now came the emotional aspects of the whole ordeal. Considering that she had never liked the man before last week, Hermione felt that she never really got to know him, therefore there wasn't really a loss with that. Of course there was always the chance for more, but she was young, and it wasn't going to be the only male interaction she would have. All in all, Hermione's assessment of the situation came out to be pretty minor damage.
She sat down in the grass next to the lake and enjoyed the landscape. The question was: now that they knew each other quite intimately, would things ever be the same again? Would he ever treat her like just another student? Could she ever think of him as just her teacher anymore?
"Blimey, Hermione, what are you doing out here, in the dead of winter, with only your cloak on!" said a voice from behind.
Hermione gasped and turned her upper torso to find Harry and Ron behind her, both with their Quidditch outfits on, brooms in hand. "Goodness you scared me!"
"Well, you're pretty much scaring us now," remarked Harry. Hermione didn't comment and just turned back to the lake.
They both sat down, one on either side of her and laid their brooms in the grass.
"What are you doing out here anyways? Trying to freeze?" asked Ron.
Hermione looked indignant. She wrapped her cloak tighter around her because it was the first time since she went outside that she realized that she was cold. "No. I wanted a bit of cold air to clear my head."
"While you're doin' that, think on this a minute, ok?" implored Harry.
Hermione nodded for him to continue.
Harry and Ron both exchanged a look then Harry spat out, "we think you should come home with Ron and I for holidays."
"What?"
Ron stepped in. "We think it would be an excellent idea, 'Mione. Your parents are going off, and Maybel is going to her parents, so it would just be the three of us."
"Like old times," added Harry.
"But things will never be like old times," explained Hermione.
"We know that, but, you see..." Ron was trying to form emotions into words, which was never his forte. Hermione nearly had to beat "I love you" out of him when they dated, because he kept stumbling over the words.
"...we're slipping apart, Hermione," picked up Harry, "Ron, you, and me. We are barely friends anymore, and we don't like that. We know it can't go back to the way it was, but that doesn't mean we can't be best friends still."
"You're our sister, Hermione, we love you, and we don't want to lose you," mumbled Ron.
Hermione's eyes started to well up. She looked at Ron, his head down, looking at the grass, but he managed to say a complete thought based on his feelings, without coercing, and that was a hard thing for him.
"I love you too, Ron," whispered Hermione. It was then that he looked up, with a smile on his face. He took her in his arms, and held her close. She felt warm and safe there. The same feeling she had when they had been seeing each other, but it was different this time. It felt like a brother giving her a comforting hug.
She wiped the tears from her eyes and gave a look to Harry. "And I love you too, Harry Potter."
He gave her the same kind of hug. She then realized that she didn't need a lover to make her feel safe and warm and loved, but the ones that truly loved her could do the same. Harry and Ron were her family, and they should be the ones that mattered the most.
She came back to reality with the low vibration coming from Harry's chest. "Then, will you come spend Christmas with us?"
Hermione left his embrace. "Of course I will."
Harry and Ron both gave a cheer and quickly helped her to her feet and the three of them headed back to the school.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She was going to be all right. At least that was Snape's estimate on her well-being after seeing her flanked by Ron and Harry down by the lake. Severus couldn't sleep at all through the night, so he took to speeding up his recovery by trying to walk around his bed, then his room, and now he found himself wandering around the halls of the school. Most students were focused on studying for finals, which would partake in less than two weeks, so he was fortunate in not seeing many in the corridors.
He had found himself up in a tower, looking down at the dreary landscape, and the near black lake, and saw her sitting down on the other side. He couldn't focus on details, but he could only imagine her eyes as deep and dark as the water in front of her, contemplating everything. He didn't want to see her in pain, but he didn't want to see her dead either. He had to make some decisions, and fast, so in his state of mind, and the time frame he had to think in, the most reasonable conclusion was to break it off before they got in any deeper.
The three of them then walked off, and Severus was left alone looking at just the dreary landscape. She obviously had two close friends that would help her pull through, if there was a struggle at all for Hermione, but Snape only had himself.
"You shouldn't have to go through this alone, Severus."
It was Snape's turn to be surprised as we whipped around to see Professor Dumbledore approaching. Did he read his thoughts? Does Albus know what is going on? Severus wouldn't put it past his mentor.
"What do you mean, Professor?"
"This," Dumbledore said, pointing at his injured state. "Everything," he continued, spreading out his arms to encompass an invisible universe. "You've been so closed off, Severus. You've grown up so much since you were a child, but opening up to people has been some what written off these past years."
"Maybe I just like to keep to myself. Let people live their lives so they can let me live mine."
Dumbledore ushered him back down the hallway, towards the stairs, and back down to the dungeons. "But think of all the opportunities missed; chances squandered. There is a whole network of people out there that want to support you, Severus, and who let you stand alone, but they are just too intimidated to show how much they care for you."
"Who would ever care for me?" snorted Severus, thinking how impossible it might be for people to worry about him.
Albus pointed a finger at him in a jovial manner, "by all means, you have not made it easy, but there are many who are concerned over your well-being. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley for instance. Remus, Tonks, in fact, the entire Order will be there for you if you allow them to be. Including me."
They had reached his private quarters.
"I would not even know how to start 'opening up' to people. It's just something I have been doing for a long time, and has always worked for me," explained Severus.
"It might be working, but obviously not at full efficiency."
"You above all others know that an old dog cannot learn new tricks," joked Severus.
Albus pondered for a moment. "Yes, that is must true, but you also know that compared to me, you really are just a pup."
He smiled, and Snape gave a slight smile back, taking Dumbledore's words to heart. He might not be ready to change, but he did have an unexpected and unusual urge to talk to someone.
"Would you like to join me for some tea?"
"I would be delighted," answered the Headmaster and they both went inside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I was never a social child, as you well know, but I was never particularly asocial. I just didn't get the chance to meet someone that I might be interested in being friends with."
Severus found himself feeling lighter after talking with Dumbledore for over three hours. He felt more relieved than he had been in years. And the interesting part was that Albus Dumbledore wanted to listen.
"I remembered a time after you left Hogwarts and you had come back for a visit, and you seemed more pleasant and happy. I thought that the Potions University that you had went to made you feel more comfortable," said Dumbledore, reminiscing. "But then the next time I saw you was... well, after you came to me that night."
"Yes, well the University was quite an experience, and I was happy, for a time." Severus' voice died off.
"What happened in those last years?"
"Nothing much, just got disillusioned with it all." Severus was avoiding his gaze.
"I always thought you were disillusioned from birth?"
"That may be the case then."
"So what really happened?"
Severus looked at the Headmaster. He seemed like he really wanted to help, and Snape had been keeping it hidden for a very long time, trying to hide his shame and heartache.
"There was a girl in my life then. The only girl; a couple of years older than me. We were exact opposites, but she obviously saw something in me that sparked her interest. I don't know, maybe I was a challenge or something, but whatever it was, we started dating, and I thought it was getting serious." Severus didn't know how much he should say.
Dumbledore seemed to be sitting on this a minute. "Yes, well love is the greatest creation and downfall of man, but still should be experienced. I always knew that you had once experienced great heartache, but I never knew what it was. So... what happened?"
Severus thought about it for a moment. All the memories came flashing through his mind. Then he heard himself say the words that would be engraved on his psyche forever. "How can anyone love someone so naive? I am too old to be sleeping around with just a kid, and now all they do is fawn over me, and I want it to stop. It was just a fling, and I want it to end..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hermione went down to the dungeons to get Snape's lesson plans. She looked over it. Nothing too difficult. In fact, they were just reviewing for the midterms, but she had a problem finding the proper materials for their labs. So she planned to stop by quickly at his quarters to ask him where they were. Hermione knew it was a great risk seeing him this soon, but how was she going to know what to expect from this supposed "minor damage" if she didn't try it in his presence.
She went out the door of the classroom and a bit farther down the corridor before she reached his living quarters. She opened the door a bit to get a peak and heard Dumbledore speaking.
"So... what happened?"
Then she heard Severus' voice. "How can anyone love someone so naive? I am too old to be sleeping around with just a kid, and now all they do is fawn over me, and I want it to stop. It was just a fling, and I want it to end..."
She couldn't listen to anymore. Hermione stepped back from the door and rushed away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"... At least, that was what she was telling all her friends. It was too much to ask for her to say it to my face; I had to hear that she wanted to the leave the relationship from friends of friends. Some girl even came to my dorm room to give me back my stuff. I just didn't know where I went wrong. It plagued me for years until I just let my mind forget about it."
Severus was tired now. With no sleep the night before, and so much effort and exercise today, he felt exhausted after telling Dumbledore his most trusted secret.
And the Headmaster sensed this and without a word, he assisted him to his bedchambers and helped him into bed. Severus nodded off almost instantly.
As Dumbledore went back up the stairs into the main hallway to get ready for dinner, he could recall seeing a younger Severus, almost twenty years ago, coming to him in the middle of the night, telling him of Lord Voldemort's activities and wanting to get out before anyone else was hurt. He could see the pain of love in his eyes, and now he knows where it came from.
But it's strange, thought Dumbledore. Why is he seeing the same pain now? Perhaps regressed memories at last coming to the surface?
But before he could think about it, he rounded a corner to find Hermione Granger on the stairs, weeping. "Hermione?"
Hermione gasped and looked up, and then in a moment, she bolted up the stairs.
Now that is most peculiar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Hermione didn't want to jump to conclusions before, she sure didn't have to now.
"You heard it with your own ears, Granger. He said it right to Dumbledore's face!"
Why would he say it right to his face?
"Well, you didn't hear him say a name, he just described some girl he was involved with. Snape would never sacrifice his own neck like that."
But he sounded so sincere and honest when we were together.
"Face it, Granger, Snape is nothing more than a sallow-faced, selfish bastard."
That was before I knew the truth. How he's helping the Order. He's one of the good guys!
"Is he? Are you sure he's on our side? Maybe he's double-crossing us!"
Dumbledore trusts him in spite of what everybody else thinks. That must count for something. Besides, nothing could get past Dumbledore; he knows everything that goes on in this school.
"Well obviously you having sex with a professor has alluded him."
By this time, Hermione was back in her room, digging a path in her floor from all the pacing back in forth. The truth was, she didn't know what to think, or who to believe. She was convinced that Severus was talking about her with words like "naive" and "kid."
Hermione actually thought that Severus saw her as a mature woman, but he took advantage of her. He had used and discarded her. She never felt so stupid, so humiliated, and so alone. How could she ever trust another man in the future?
"I have rarely wanted anything through most of my life, and now that I have gotten what I wanted, I hardly want to let it go," would keep playing in her mind.
Those eyes he gave her, the tone of his words. She really did put the "ass" in assumption by believing his bullshit. He probably just meant that he wanted to continue the affair, but now that it was a distraction to "Voldemort's orders," he found their interludes to be a liability. No matter how long she thought about it, and how often she tried to downplay herself, Hermione just couldn't stop feeling angry about it all.
"He really did ruin your chances of a successful relationship in the future, Granger," she heard her reflection, in the mirror, say to her.
You've got that right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Even with his disabled state, and the inevitable vulnerability that he feels in this position, Snape felt better, spiritually, than he has had in a really long while. Opening up to Dumbledore released a lot of bottled up emotions and memories that had been weighing him down. He never saw himself as someone who needed someone to talk to or feel the pressure.
For the next couple of days, Dumbledore would come to his private chambers and they would talk about activities in the school. Then they would talk about anything and everything. It wasn't just talking about his own personal turmoil that would make him feel better, but just other opinions he held. Some on policies the school has, or the students, but mostly thoughts he held on the world in general; the wizard community, muggles. He just couldn't stop things from emerging from his lips, and every time they went on to a new topic, Snape continued to reach a higher state of comfort and easiness with his own mind and the world around him.
They rarely talked about how his classes were going, with a substitute. If it was ever brought up, it was because he was the Potions Master, and those students were his job, and, unfortunately, his life as well. But Dumbledore did make it a point to bring up how Hermione was faring with the Advanced Potions class.
It was hard for him to think of Hermione, recently. It just killed him how his job was getting in the way of true happiness for himself. He had to admit... Hermione was the only woman he's slept with in over ten years. He wasn't getting any younger, and if this were a pattern, she would be his last chance of a pleasant life with a woman. Grand dreams, he thought, hoping that they could actually have a blossoming, public relationship.
Though Severus was ready to go back to work on Wednesday, Professor Dumbledore insisted that he take the rest of the week off.
"Just in case, Severus," he would say, with a wink.
So, when he returned to work on Monday, all he had to do was to hand out the tests and then sit back and relax. His Christmas holiday had already started.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It had been a real trial of endurance for Severus. Everyday, he had to come to the Great Hall and eat in her presence. Each day, she seemed even more heavenly, but she never turned to look at him. Not once.
The day of the Advanced Potions midterm, Severus had received a letter from Lucious Malfoy. It read:
He knew it was Malfoy, because every deatheater had to memorize everyone else's handwriting. They could make their messages cryptic enough, but any signature mark telling who it was from or to could mean disaster.
The note meant that Lucious would appear in his private fireplace that night at midnight.
What did he want to talk about?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I would have wanted to speak to you sooner, but I had to wait until all the hoopla died down," said Lucious. Those were his first words after coming to Severus' fireplace.
"What hoopla?" questioned Snape.
"You, of course. People were absolutely livid after what happened that Friday."
"What are you talking about?" Severus was getting tired of beating around the bush.
"Well, people can't decide on which one they can't get past more. Whether it's the fact that Severus Snape is finding joy in his life, or if it was the fact that he would choose his joy over the Dark Lord." Snape didn't know if it was him or the fire, but Lucious' eyes were dancing.
Snape didn't have a particular comment on this, so Malfoy continued.
"But what shocked me the most, and I didn't share this with anyone yet, was that this apparent elation didn't come from the doll I made for you."
"What makes you think that it was a woman?"
"Deductive reasoning, and I will say no more on the matter," stated Lucious, curtly.
"Is that all, then?" Severus was trying to end the conversation before any more reasoning came into play.
Then, all of a sudden, Lucious demeanor became cold, and his voice stern. "You didn't think that such a thing like this could transpire beneath His nose without Him knowing about it, would you?"
"Well, of course it wouldn't, as I realized last weekend when I was nearly beaten to death."
Lucious laugh was hollow. "No, I mean He would have eventually found out who it was, Severus."
Severus' head swung up and he looked directly into the flame kissed eyes of Malfoy's. "How would he know who it was, Lucious?"
"Because I told him."
Snape stood up from his chair. "You said you hadn't told anyone yet!"
"Come, come now, Severus, surely you do not think that our Lord is just anyone?"
"You son of a bitch."
"Now, Severus, is that anyway to treat someone who is only trying to protect you?"
"Protecting me from what?"
"Well, more distractions, of course. You must be focused on the task at hand. And then there is the heartbreak I am preventing! The relationship would have just ended in strife. I am really doing you a world of good, Severus."
"Why are you telling me all this?" Severus felt that there was a deeper, underlying motive to this.
"You know what will happen to her, and our Lord has entrusted me to do it."
Severus could feel all the blood drain from his face, and he fell back in his chair. His mind went blank, his heart felt like lead, and his breathing became shallow.
"But he also gave me this task: 'tell the betrayer that he must prove his loyalty. To choose his Master, would be allowing the mission to be accomplished. Try to foil it, and you shall die.'"
This was a test of loyalty? It seems the Dark Lord has reached a new plateau of twistedness.
"Which means, Severus, that you cannot stop this from happening. And don't bother trying to get someone else to save her, because then you would have to tell them why we want her and how you would know we want her. You would be exposed for the backstabbing, cradle-robbing, deatheater that you are."
His voice was barely a hushed whisper. "When does it have to be done?"
"Don't worry about details, Severus. She won't be back for second semester." Lucious gave a final smile, and disappeared.
Snape was left feeling panicky. He knew that they were in danger, but now that it was being set in motion, it all seemed too real.
Remember, Severus. She's not going anywhere for holiday. You'll just have to keep an eye on her. Make sure she doesn't go off the grounds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hermione would have rather chosen to stay in her room until it was time to go down to the train, but this was supposed to be Ron, Harry, and her big trip, so they had to start it off together, which meant breakfast in the Great Hall.
"This is goin' to be so much fun, 'Mione. We'll play in the snow, and all my mum's cooking. I can't wait for..."
"Ron, you don't need to keep reassuring me about the capacity for excitement we'll be having at your house over holiday. I am sure it will be great."
Ron nodded, and finished eating his eggs.
Harry had just finished his plate. "Well, if we're all ready to be off, I had our trunks brought down so that we don't have to go back up to our rooms."
Hermione was grateful. "Thanks, Harry. It's a pain trying to get through the halls at the beginning of holidays."
They then got up and headed out the Great Hall and down the corridor. On the way to the front door, Hermione spotted Snape coming her direction. She didn't want to speak to him, or even be near him, so she avoided his gaze when they passed, and acted like he didn't exist.
Whew! Got by that unscathed, thought Hermione, and she quickly immersed herself in Harry and Ron's conversation, laughing at one of Harry's jokes. Soon they would reach the gates to the school grounds, and just beyond that would be the train that would take her away from all this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Severus was surprised to see Hermione walking with Harry and Ron out of the school. She didn't act like she had seen him, and he instantly thought that she was going down to the train to send them off.
That might be dangerous, thought Severus, her being off the grounds and all, even if it just for a bit.
But there was still a nagging suspicion that it might be more than that.
He reached the teacher's table, and took a seat to the right of Dumbledore. He started to spread jam on toast.
"It appears that it will be a quiet holiday around here," he commented, sounding nonchalant.
"Yes it does," replied the Head Master, "very few are staying this year."
"Even if there were a dozen more students, it would still be quieter."
"Hmm?"
"Well, it seems Potter and Weasley have gone. That would make things particularly peaceful around here."
"I do not deny Potter's inclination to bring excitement to this school," quipped Albus.
"Still, I am fearful of what kind of excitement he'll stir out there over holidays," pondered Snape.
"Ah, it can't be too much, considering that Hermione has always been the level head of the three."
"Miss Granger, sir?" His heart started to beat fast.
"I was just saying, that as long as she is with them over Christmas, then we shouldn't have to worry about them getting into any 'adventures'."
Severus' blood ran cold and his breath caught in his throat. Looking at his food, he felt like he was going to vomit. After a moment, he graciously excused himself from the table and left the hall. He then ran down the steps and across the grounds, towards the gate.
It seemed like forever, and his feet felt heavy as he ran for Hogsmeade. On the way there he heard the train's whistle. It was still there. Please don't leave, he begged.
But he was too late. As he reached the station, he could see the train growing smaller and smaller as it went into the distance.
She won't be back for second semester.
Severus, you cannot stop this from happening.
"Like hell I won't." But how he'll do it was a mystery.