Meditation in the Rain

By JiHae

He'd been gone awhile, after telling the others he needed a few moments to meditate. They'd understood, or at least most of them did.

"Feh! That bastard lecher! He's just using that meditation crap as an excuse to spend some quality time with that hand of his now that it's all—"

"Inuyasha! SIT!"

Miroku had to admit. He had never seen a redder-faced Kagome. It was pleasantly surprising. He shook his head in amused exasperation. Inuyasha was never the tactful one of the group. Miroku grabbed his holy weaponry as he began his walk out of Kaede's hut. It was very unlikely that anything would attack him now that the most dangerous threat was eliminated, but it made him feel safe, considering he no longer possessed that destructive power in the palm of his hand. He never realized until this moment how much he relied on the wind tunnel.

"A blessing in disguise, I suppose," he mumbled to himself.

Besides, carrying his weapon was a force of habit. And he knew from personal experience with his wandering hand—old habits die hard.

He ignored the commotion caused by Kagome castigating Inuyasha once Shippou began questioning the possibilities of what people could do with their hands. "Oh if he only knew… especially if you were using your hands for the benefit of someone—"

Miroku's train of thought ended right there when he saw her. Throughout this incredibly trying journey, he had found someone with whom he could share his life, and it was a beautiful feeling, even more so now that every moment of his life wasn't consumed by fear that he would inevitably be swallowed alive by the winds. She stood from playing with her faithful companion, Kirara. Soon, he would be her faithful companion.

Sango stared at him with a look of adoration in her eyes. She smiled. He smiled back and gave a slight nod, signaling his temporary departure. His smile didn't reach his eyes, and he had to admit he felt a bit guilty. There she was—a strong, independent, and beautiful woman who had lost everything and everyone, including her most beloved person, her brother. Maybe that was why he felt so drawn to her. They were one in the same—orphans of this world trying to find someone to call family. But he knew—he wasn't first in her heart. No, that place would always be reserved for Kohaku. And he wasn't jealous, not in the least. He was just a bit saddened to know that she would never be first in his heart either. No. That special position was and will always be for someone else.

"I'll be back in a few hours. I'm just going to go meditate in the woods."

She nodded her head. She understood. "Okay. I'm sure you have a lot to think about now that this is all over." She went back to playing with the feline demon.

That was several hours ago. How many? He hadn't really paid any attention, but he knew, the skies were getting darker, so it must mean nightfall was approaching. He'd been sitting on a rather large tree stump since this morning. There was a lot on his mind. To be more precise, there had been one question plaguing his mind, one simple question: why?

The battle was over, and his team was the victor. The curse was gone. He was granted a second chance at life with a beautiful girl, and for once, things were peaceful. So why was it that he felt so dissatisfied with everything? What was he missing? Better yet, who was he missing?

Then it clicked as a sudden roar of thunder rolled amongst the clouds. It was her—first in his heart. But of course, she would never know the extent of his affections for her. And Sango would never find out either, not unless he wanted to crush the heart of his future bride. No, this would be a secret that he'd keep to himself until the grave if need be. And if the fates were kind, maybe he would be united with her in another lifetime.

He remembered the first time he saw her. Such an oddly attired girl she was. She wore the most revealing clothing. Of course, there was nothing to complain about there. In fact, he rather enjoyed the view. Even then, he realized he would love her. Needless to say that this "love-at-first-sight" moment was purely physical at the time. He liked what he saw. But as he began his travels with her, he discovered her caring and maternal nature, her sweet disposition, and her fiery determination to save those she loved. She was altruism at its best. And at the same time he realized all of this, he knew, he couldn't have her.

Of course, in the beginning there were only the three of them—Inuyasha, Kagome, and himself. It was easier, to say the least, less complicated. The hanyou didn't make it very hard for him to approach Kagome considering Inuyasha's rash actions and harsh words. But no, she wasn't one to shy away from his volatile behavior. Surprisingly, that was the motivation for her to get even closer to the hotheaded hanyou. And he saw it, the beginnings of a deep love between the two.

He couldn't help but feel jealous. Here was this selfish hanyou in search of the Shikon no Tama for his own personal benefit, and he was able to steal the heart of the one girl with whom he wanted to spend the rest of his life. She was the first and only one who cared about his well-being. She was the one who invited him into her heart, into this dysfunctional yet loving family. She was the one who brought out his true self, the part of him he kept protected under the lascivious pretenses, not to say that he didn't enjoy making all those advances.

But once again, he felt at a loss. So he figured out why. So what? Now what was he to do? Nothing. There was nothing he could do. Kagome would need to return to her time unless Inuyasha finally came to his senses and realized what he had. What Miroku wanted.

What was he complaining about anyhow? He had Sango. They were going to be happy together. Really, they were.

Miroku looked up. "So much for nightfall," he thought bitterly. Yes, he was bitter. And he would wait out in the woods until this bitterness was gone so he could have the courage to look Sango in the eye without guilt, without a feeling of infidelity because he knew, he could never fully give his heart to her. He would wait even if it poured.

So that's what he did.

The sound of the rain was so peaceful. It brought slight comfort. And the warmth of the shower was even more pleasing. It tingled his senses. He closed his eyes to savor the sensations until he heard light, rapid footfalls behind him. His body tensed in anticipation. An assailant?

"Miroku! What are you still doing out here?"

He recognized that voice anywhere.

"Ah, Kagome-sama. What brings you out here?" He smiled. It was genuine, too.

"You, you idiot! And what did I tell you about the honorific? You make me sound so old!" she laughed. Her whole face was alit. He should've known she'd come out here for him. Not Inuyasha. Not Shippou. Not even Sango. Her, because she cared so deeply. But it was disheartening she would never know how he cared so deeply… for her.

"My apologies, Kagome." He liked the sound of her name. It was sweet, almost like a name of affection between two lovers. "You really should go back to village. You might fall ill."

"And what about you?" Yes, what about him?

He gave her a reassuring grin. "I promise you, Kagome,"—there it was again—"I am perfectly fine out here."

"Then so am I," she challenged. She was stubborn, and he loved her for that. "If you're going to stay out here, then so am I. I won't leave until you do."

Another smile. "Then by all means, my lady, please have a sit beside me." He scooted over on the tree stump and patted a spot next to the left of him.

Kagome let out a soft giggle. It sounded wonderful to his ears. "Why, I thank you, my lord," she replied childishly.

They sat there for a few minutes, enjoying each other's silence. She was the first one to break it, the first one to break the silence amongst other things. "Miroku…" That sounded so pleasant to him—the sound of his name on her tongue. "Why are we still out here? Not that I don't enjoy my share of rain, but, what I'm trying to say is… is there something you'd like to tell me? Is there something wrong? Are you hurt in some way?"

He turned his head to look at her. "In more ways than one," he thought sadly. "No, Kagome. I just enjoy the rain. It's cathartic."

"I know what you mean. I used to sit outside and just watch the rain from my window back at home, especially when Inuyasha would do something stupid."

He winced. How could a name be so foul to him?

Kagome gently touched his shoulder. "Miroku, are you sure you're okay? You just flinched. You're not hurt anywhere, are you? I'm not hurting you right now, am I?"

He smirked. "You have no idea," he whispered.

"What was that?"

"It was nothing."

Another moment of silence passed. She leaned against his side and placed her head on his shoulder. "I… I want you to know… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Miroku."

He looked slightly astonished. "I do not understand what you—"

"But you do," she insisted. She started to cry quietly. "I'm so sorry, and I wish I could do something for you, but I can't. I don't know how." She tilted his chin so he would be forced to look at her. "I'm… sorry."

Her eyes drifted to a close, and she leaned into his lips, leaving a warm, soft kiss. It wasn't heated, but it spoke to him of her pain. He realized—she had known all along. She had known how he felt, how he still feels. They broke apart, and Miroku couldn't help but want more. He leaned in, catching her lips and deepened the kiss. He was desperate, desperate to tell her how deep his feelings ran for her. How much he loved her, how he could only truly love her with his entire being.

They parted, both breathless and at a loss for words. She continued to cry, and Miroku wiped away her tears softly with the pads of his thumbs. "It's okay… I'm fine. I promise you. I understand."

She closed her eyes again and kissed his palms.

"I'll be fine," he reassured her.

They shared one final kiss under the rain. And there was no one else.

07.18.05