A/N: Emily: What do you call a chav in a box with a padlock on it? Safe! He he that is my really bad joke of the day! As for those who have no idea what a chav is, you are lucky!

Disclaimer – Meh!

Chapter Seven – Legolas and the grapefruit.

"I think that is new." Commented Kalin as he observed a half naked girl dancing around a newly installed pole.

"What do you bet Kai had something to do with the hobbits fitting that piece of equipment?" Said Legolas as he made his way through the crowds that occupied Merry and Pippin's infamous hash bar.

"Legolas!" Called a familiar voice from across the room.

"Boromir, what brings you here?" Asked Legolas as he finally made it to Boromir's table.

"Haldir and I are taking a break from duties."

"Where is Haldir?" Asked Kalin as he removed a giggling pole dancer from his arm and sat down.

Boromir nodded to the floor causing an intrigued Legolas and Kalin to look down. The sight of an inebriated Haldir sleeping peacefully greeted them

"What happened to him?" Asked Legolas.

"He got a little over zealous with the drowning of the sorrows. He looks far too beautiful when he sleeping…"

"Even when he is drooling?" Interrupted Kalin.

"I could not wake him." Finished Boromir.

"Drowning his sorrows?" Legolas enquired.

"We have wanted to adopt a child for a while now, but some problems have arisen."

"Problems?"

"Namely Faramir." Boromir sighed. "He is protesting about being too young to become an uncle, especially since he is still whining about being dumped recently."

"Faramir was dumped?"

"Do you remember that girl he brought to mine and Haldir's wedding?"

Legolas nodded.

"Well she dumped him; apparently she was seen with a random dark haired elf." Kalin and Legolas looked knowingly at each other. "Anyway, Haldir has got it into his head that Faramir doesn't like him and I cannot find that brother of mine to get him to convince Haldir otherwise."

"He has probably joined Uncle's Anonymous." Grinned Kalin.

"Uncle's what?"

"You don't want to know." Said Legolas. "Are Merry and Pippin around?"

"They are out of town at the moment; they will be back this evening."

"We have some time to kill then, drinks all around!" Announced Kalin as he jumped up, kicking Haldir in the process as he bounded over to the bar.

"So what do you want with Merry and Pippin then?" Asked Boromir as he helped a mumbling Haldir up.

"They have something that will help me find George." Answered Legolas.

"George! Is something wrong?"

"No, no nothing new. It is just that he children are growing up without their uncle."

"I miss having him around." Said Boromir as he remembered the countless times he and George had cleared out Lorien's cellars.

"There are trees that I miss." Babbled Haldir.

Boromir looking lovingly at his husband as Kalin placed the drinks on the table.

"Don't worry Haldir is strictly on water from now in." Informed Kalin as Haldir looked dubiously at the clear liquid.

"Um…Kalin, is there grapefruit in this?" Asked Legolas as he sniffed at his drink uncertainly.

"Of course not Legolas. You are getting seriously paranoid in your old age."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

Three minutes later…

"And then he said that the females got…got…got…got…what did they get?" Slurred Legolas.

"The female dwarves got fed up of pretending they were trees to please the elves." Finished Kalin.

"Trees are pretty." Gushed Legolas.

"So how much grapefruit did you put in his drink then?" Asked Boromir with a smirk.

"Just enough to keep him awake." Laughed Kalin.

"I…I…should apologise." Muttered Legolas.

"To whom?"

"Kai…he is my best…tree…"

"You mean friend?"

"Yes tree, like...I said! He…saved me from big…rabbit when I was…eight."

"I believe that was a bear Legolas." Corrected Kalin amidst sniggers.

"A bear? No…no…Kai is not…a bear."

"I still can't believe the Ents do not exist." Commented Boromir.

"It makes me feel a little queasy thinking about a dwarf trying to impress me." Kalin wrinkled his nose.

"Grapefruits make my queasy." Legolas sniffed.

"I bet they do. Why are you so allergic to grapefruits by the way?"

"Afraid!"

"Afraid of what?"

"The grapefruits…evil…"

"And why are they evil?"

"They hit me…when I was little."

"They hit you?" Laughed Boromir.

"When Kai threw them at…at…at me."

"Kai is the reason you are like this whenever you have grapefruit!"

"I missss…him."

"He'll come back Legolas, don't you worry your little drunk head about it."

"Do…do you know…who else I miss?"

"Who?"

"I…I…want my…my Emily back." Whispered Legolas into his drink. Boromir and Kalin looked at each other worriedly. Legolas, ever since the day he lost his wife, had never spoken about her to anyone other than his children. "She…was everythink…to me…like one of those…really useful…um…things…I love her…she was my tree."

"Boromir's my tree." Blurted Haldir who was on the floor again.

"Your tree has still…got it's…leaves." Mumbled Legolas. "She made me laugh…but now I cry all the…all the…the…time."

"Come on Legolas lets get you to bed." Kalin instructed gently.

"There is a free room on the second floor." Boromir told Kalin.

"Come on Legolas, sleepy time."

"I like sleepy, I get…to, to, to dream of my tree."

……

'Maybe I am just a kid.' Ellette sighed as she wandered around the gardens.

"She thinks Kai would want someone like her." Sniggered a group of girls.

'Maybe I should start digging my own grave now.' Ellette stopped when she reached the stables. She looked over to her horse, Big Ears, which her dad had given her on her eighteenth. 'Or maybe…maybe I should just leave.'

…...

A/N: Emily: Argh! Don't yell at me I know it is short! In my defence I blame impromptu tests that threw me off course! Well, what do we all think then? Here are the thanks yous for the last chapter:

Lil Smartass – Leave my grammar alone! And you just had to mention Legolas drunk! I shall never tell you anything again! As for your speech I've been given two renditions of it now.

Nicole – I will keep writing this for as long as I can spread random funniness onto the bread that is the world!

Ayiicaalime – Atreyu noooooooooooooo! Do you remember that from the first story! A Kai in Swanley! Cooooooooool. Nope I don't know him, I know the Belgian Kai in Canterbury!

Princess Shadowcat – Well Kai is a mixture of people a know including a mad Belgian and an ex-boyfriend so he was bound to be a bit strange! George confuses me in real life but he isn't as good as riddles as me!

Angel's Heart, Demon's Mind – I wouldn't put spaces between my updates if I could type at the speed of light but alas, I shall have to update weekly but hopefully over Easter I can speed up.

Limpet666 – Yeah lonely dwarves are a bit creepy. Didn't really think of that when I wrote it. Hmmm? Where is the new Kai chapter!

Eltavor – Kai and Ellette? We shall see….

Poolbum – Kai will return, hopefully in a spandex suit! Yum!