A/N: Emily: I spent the day painting snails with tippex! Don't ask!

Disclaimers: Please don't sue me; I own nothing but an overdraft!

Chapter Ten – Elfnapped!

"Ladies and Gentlemen if I could just have your attention for a moment." Pierre climbed up onto the corner stage. "I would just like to thank you for all supporting my family and I at this dark time. I know you are all hoping for Ellette's safe return. So in celebration of this unity I shall end with a toast," Pierre gave a small nod in Xavier's direction, "Here's to you, here's to me, the best of friends we'll always be, but if by chance we disagree, fuck you and here's to me." And with that Pierre dropped his glass, turned around, bent over and moonied at the startled crowd.

"He didn't think a wave would have sufficed for a signal." Grumbled Xavier as he dumped the entire packet of laxative into Phian's drink and grunted in disgust as he overheard the giggling elleth commenting on his brother's 'cute' butt.

"Did you do it?" Asked Pierre as he and Xavier regrouped by the door.

"Yep, so how long will it take?"

"I'm not to sure; it could take anything from immediate results to…" Pierre was interrupted as a flailing Phian ran past heading in the direction of her private restroom. "Wow that was quick, right let's get into positions, round up that elfling."

……

Fiminur let out a groan as he threw the his quill down, 'How on Arda did Legolas get through all this paperwork and still manage to hold meetings, command an army, arrange banquets and still have time to see his friends and family!' Fiminur sighed, 'Maybe I need a stress reliever, archery seems to work for Legolas, yes that is what I'll do, a good bit of archery will prepare for the day.' Fiminur stood up from the desk and picked up his bow and set off to the archery practice field.

……

"Are you sure this is going to work?" Asked the small elfling who took up his place in the courtyard.

"It's foolproof." Pierre answered before scurrying off to his position.

"Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool." Mumbled the elfling as he picked up his toy truck and watched the entrance to the halls carefully, waiting for his cue."

……

'What is wrong with me!' Thought Phian as she sat uncomfortably on the toilet. 'It must be something I ate.'

Eventually, after a long while of odd noises and even odder smells Phian got off the toilet, she reached automatically for the flush and pulled the carved handle. 'What's that noise?'

She looked down in to the bowl just as blue bolt of electricity hit her causing her jump back and shriek. Confused and dazed she ran to the door not noticing the precariously placed bucket on top of it.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" The ear piercing shrieked Phian let out as cold tar was dumped over her would have been heard by all if it was not for a full covering of feathers that muffled her cries. Hysterical now and unable to see she headed for the door, the door to the courtyard.

Waiting in the courtyard was the elfling who watched as the panic-stricken elleth flew wildly out of the door, 'Wait till she crosses the flower beds then strike.' The elfling remembered Pierre's instructions and swallowed the laughter that threatened to bubble over as Phian trampled over the previously well kept flower bed. 'Lets do this!' The elfling let the toy truck he had been given roll out at high speed across the elleth's path.

"Get this stuff off of me!" Phian cried stepping blinding onto the truck. In a motion that could only be from a celebration of great cartoons, Phian stumbled and landed face first on what look suspiciously like a catapult.

Well technically it did not just look like a catapult, it was in fact a catapult, a specially designed catapult that was made so that when set off an unsuspecting elleth would make the following noise:

"Whhhooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Who knew elves could fly?" Commented the elfling who promptly collected his truck and ran off to finish his smarties.

……

"Nothing like a good bulleyes to relax the mind." Commented Fiminur. He notched another arrow but was distracted as something passed over at great height above him. "That is extremely large pheasant!" Exclaimed the elf. It was a challenge he could not resist, he took aim and fired.

……

"Incoming!" Called Xavier.

"Are you sure she is going to land in this hole?" Asked Pierre warily.

"Don't worry I did the Math, her trajectory and speed will mean she will land exactly here."

"Math?"

"You know, sums." Explained Xavier.

"Sums?"

"Of all those sperm, you were the fastest." Said Xavier in disbelief.

"Oh heads ups she's in for a rough landing."

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…urgh." Phian landed in the hole with a thud.

"Right lets cover it up." Pierre began to shovel the dirt back in.

"Um…did you arrange the arrow?"

"What arrow?"

"The one sticking out of her butt."

"Where did that come from?"

"Dunno…oh well lets get shovelling."

……

"Get your hands off of me!" Screamed Ellette furiously. "Who do you think you are!"

"You are in no position to be asking questions young lady." Ellette's assailant snapped as he moved over to the light switch.

Ellette let out a gasp, "You're an elf!"

"I'm glad you can distinguish between races, now shut up!"

"But why would an elf kidnap another elf!"

"As your kidnapper I demand you be quiet, I have things to do!"

"Like what, write a ransom note!" Laughed Ellette but soon gulped when the elf nodded. "Oh. So how much do you want for me?"

"This isn't about money." He answered solemnly.

"Why not! Am I not worth lots of money!" Ellette despite her dire situation could not help but yell, "The bloody cheek of it, you kidnap me, tie me to a chair with a horse rein no less! You tell me I'm up for ransom and then you don't even want money for me!"

"You are beginning to get on my nerves."

"Believe me pal you are more I my nerves than I will ever be! You haven't even told me your name! That is rude in my book."

"If you must know my name is Gelfhorn."

"Hi, I'm Ellette."

"Yes I know who you are, and I must thank you."

"What for thumping you earlier?"

At the reminder Gelfhorn touched his lip gingerly still feeling the sting of Ellette's fist, "No I actually wanted to thank you for running away, you saved me a lot of trouble."

Ellette pouted. "So if you're not doing this for money what are you doing this for?"

"Just you worry about staying alive my dear."

Ellette watched as Gelfhorn retreated into another room and began to scan the room. To her it looked like she was in a make shift talon. 'Okay I'm tied to a chair, in a talon, in a tree, in Middle-earth. I'm sure someone will find me!'

……

"No luck?" Asked Kalin as a rejected looking Legolas returned from a meeting with Galadriel.

"She still will not give the clue."

"She's probably lost it."

"That's very supportive of you Kalin!" Sighed Legolas as he dropped himself down beside his friend and settled against a tree.

"Well I reckon I'm right, Galadriel seems to be losing the plot, not only is she faffing about with this clue, she can't seem to sort Aragorn out and as for her and Gimli…"

"Please stop I've just eaten." Shuddered Legolas.

"I'm sure we'll think of something, hey maybe we could…"

Legolas tuned Kalin out as he stared up at the branches above him, he could not help feeling like something was missing from them and then that is when he remembered:

"Breathe, just take big, deep breaths!" Whispered Emily to herself as her eyes widened at the sight before her. Eventually it all became a bit too much for Em as the elf prince went to remove his pants. Her footing on the branch slipped as her brain paralyzed.

Legolas looked up only to see Emily hurtling towards him, the next thing he knew he was sent flying into the lake along with the screeching girl.

After a few moments of splashing around in the clear depths of the lake the two surfaced in a position that looked like page fourteen of the Karma-Sutra.

"Legolas! Legolas! Are you listening to a word I'm saying!" Yelled Kalin.

"Wh..what?"

"I thought so, well when you've stopped dreaming about Valar knows what I would like to tell you of my plan."

……

"Hello Galadriel, I wonder if I could have another moment of you time?" Legolas asked.

"If you must, but I'm afraid my answer is the same, I will not give you the clue."

"If that is your final decision then I must be off immediately."

"In such a hurry?"

"Well, with many elves in Mirkwood starving for gossip the news of you and Gimli is far big to keep to myself! Namarie my lady."

"Legolas! You cannot possibly tell anyone about that!"

"I think you'll find that I cannot possibly leave Lorien empty handed. Now if I had the clue that would be another matter."

"This is blackmail!" Cried an outraged Galadriel.

"Yes I believe it is."

Galadriel was fuming but could see that her only way out was to agree to Legolas' wishes. "Fine, you may have your clue! I have important things to do; the clue is behind the tapestry!" And with that the elf witch stormed out.

"That went well." Kalin appeared from behind the door.

"Well I'm still alive and have the clue." Replied Legolas cheerfully.

"And you are not a frog."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Haldir and I had bets on that she would turn you into a frog, I owe him money now!" Grumbled the darkling elf.

"Well thank you Kalin for your moral support!"

"My pleasure, so what does the clue say?"

"I believe that George lost his ability to rhyme."

"Why do you say that?"

Legolas read the clue, "I'm in bloody Moria all right! I've probably gone mad by now so a sedative may be in order, oh and some peanuts. See you soon. George. P.S Please ring the bell."

"I see what you mean." Sniggered Kalin.

"Why Moria of all places!"

"The almighty King of Mirkwood isn't scared of the dark is he!"

"Don't make me beat you."

……

A/N: George: Oh yeah my return is imminent!

Emily: Please keep the reviews coming and wish me luck on next week, I'm investigating what happens to the human body when it goes without sleep for five days! I am possibly mental! Here are the thank yous:

Billie Joe's Mistress – Speaking of horses…hmmm. Yes Gimli is wrong and should be punished! Ooooh I reviewed your story!

Angel's Heart Demon's Mind – Yes Kai and George are returning! About bliming time in my book!

Princess Shadowcat - The short mention of Ellette was intentional, but she was back in this chapter. Phian went bye byes for you! And as for Aragorn speaking the truth…hmmm?

Limpet666 – yay you are back, I was missing you! Shave a dwarf day should become a national holiday! Yes Kai is on his way back, I can't wait to write a Kai scene again! As for Kai, am I going to find a new chapter when I click on you story?

Poolbum – Odd as in good odd, or odd as in bad odd? Meh!