A/N: George: I'm so sick of revising; I never want to see another book in my life! And what makes it worse is that Emily is obscenely hyper!

Emily: Only thirteen days until Kingdom of Heaven! Wootka!

G: Please help me!

Disclaimer: Umm…we own copious amounts of apple juice, a ludicrous amount of odd socks and a human hand, we don't own Legolas or Kalin now since he has filed for divorce from us, the cheek!

Chapter Eleven – The Return of George

"Umm…excuse me…Mr Elfnapper…hello?" Called out Ellette.

"What could you possibly want now!"

"No need to get so wound up!"

"I would not be getting so wound up if you would shut up for longer than five minutes!" Yelled an irate Gelfhorn.

"Well I wouldn't usually ask but since I'm tied up!"

"Fine, fine, what do you want this time?"

"This time? You make me sound demanding!"

"Demanding does not even cover it! You made me feed you strawberries!"

"I was hungry!"

"Then why did I have to measure them to make sure I only fed you ones smaller then four centimetres!"

"Alright…calm down!"

"Calm down! I've fed you, made you a mandarin, apricot smoothie, applied hand cream, rearranged the furniture, lit some scented candles and given you a new hairstyle! What do you want now a pink elephant named Nelly!" Gelfhorn practically growled.

"No need to get facetious! If you must know I need to use the bathroom!"

"Oh…um…well I shall have to escort you."

"You'll do no such thing! I'm having you watch me!"

"Believe me you are really not my type, and besides you really do not have that much say in the matter."

"Not your type? What's wrong with me?" Asked Ellette switching from rage to hurt in a few seconds.

"Nothing is wrong with you."

"Then why am I not your type?" She sniffed holding back the tears.

"Oh now don't cry, please don't cry, I didn't mean it." Gelfhorn hugged Ellette tightly. "It's just well…you are a bit too…um…"

"I don't understand…you don't want money for me…you don't like me…what do you want me for!"

"Your father!" Gelfhorn blurted out hysterically.

"What!"

"The reason I don't like you is because you are too female! I'm in love with Legolas, and the only way I can get him to notice me is by doing this!" Gelfhorn was now the one in tears.

"Isn't this a bit extreme!" Yelped Ellette still in shock.

"Don't you think I haven't considered that! I've tried to get him to notice me for the last six hundred years; nothing I have done has made any difference! And then one day he returns from the quest with your mother and I thought it was all over, but then she died and still Legolas paid no attention to me!"

"And you didn't think that maybe the fact that he was grieving or that he isn't gay had anything to do with that?"

"I knew you wouldn't understand, what would you know about being in love with someone who treated you like nothing but a child!"

Suddenly Ellette felt sorry for Gelfhorn, she did know what it was like as her thoughts strayed to Kai. "I'm sorry Gelfy, I'd hug you if I wasn't a bit tied up at the moment."

"No, I'm sorry, I should have never put you through this."

"Does that mean you will let me go?" Asked Ellette hopefully.

"I'm afraid not, the ransom note has been sent, you in exchange for Legolas."

Ellette scowled slightly, "Hmph! Can I go to the toilet now?"

Gelfhorn nodded and loosened her bonds, "Don't try anything."

"Would I! Oh Gelfhorn, what happens if my Ada doesn't cooperate with your ransom?" Asked Ellette curiously as Gelfhorn led her to the bathroom.

"I kill you."

"You are mental, you do realise that don't you?"

……

Legolas and Kalin looked up at the door to Moria.

"It's broken." Sated Kalin.

"What is?"

"The doorbell, George said to ring the doorbell."

"Well knock or something!"

"Ouch! That hurt."

"That is what happens when you hit stone!" Laughed Legolas.

"Ha ha very funny, so now what do we do?"

"Let ourselves in. Mellon." The doors remained closed.

"He must have changed the password when he fixed the door."

"That is just perfect; I don't have time to be standing out here guessing random words!" Snapped Legolas.

"Chill out, I'm sure if we just think this out logically, we will be able to get into George's frame of mind and figure it out."

"George's mind is somewhere I would rather not be."

"With all due respect my lord behaving like an arrogant arse is not going to get us anywhere."

"I'm sorry Kalin, I don't know what's wrong with me, I just can't seem to stop thinking about…"

"About what?"

"Never mind. I'm guessing that George probably left a clue not unlike the previous one."

Kalin scanned the door and noticed a small carving, "What only gets laid once, takes four minutes to get hard, only two minutes to get soft, shares its home with eleven other guys, and the only chick that ever sat on its face was its mum?"

"So not at all like the previous clue then." Commented Legolas dryly.

"But a lot funnier."

"Well any ideas?"

"A very sad sad being." Guessed Kalin.

"That or an egg." As soon as the final word came out the doors shuddered open.

"Wow you're deceptively smart!"

"What's that supposed to mean!"

"Noth…whoa…looks like someone has been busy."

The interior of Moria had undergone a complete revamp; the stonework had been recarved and reshaped to resemble a multitude of creatures and patterns.

"George!" Called Legolas warily.

"Now that is gross." Remarked Kalin.

"It looks like…Cumquat!"

"Or what's left of him." Squirmed Kalin as he looked a the skeleton of the chimpanzee.

"Why would George just leave the skeleton there?"

"Company?"

"Let's find him and get out of here. He must be around here some…do you hear that?"

"Yeah sorry I haven't eaten today." Kalin patted his grumbling stomach.

"No not that, I can hear can hear voices." Legolas followed the path through the dank dark of Moria.

"No wait I do hear that, that's George's voice, but who is that he is talking to?"

Kalin and Legolas soon got an answer when they rounded the corner and saw George chipping away at a block of stone shadowed by a Balrog.

……

"You wanted a word with us?" Pierre and Xavier asked Glorfindel nervously.

"I have some news about your sister, I'm afraid it isn't good."

Although they were not the most affectionate of siblings, Pierre grabbed Xavier's hand and squeezed it tightly.

"She is safe for now, she has been taken by someone, we do not know who, but he has demanded something in return, something only your father can give, and with your father not being here we have a problem." Glorfindel explained solemnly.

"Then we have to find Ada!"

"Your father could be anywhere Xavier, but I have redirected half of Ellette's search party to find your father. All we can do is wait and pray."

"No! There must be something we can do!" Protested Pierre.

"What I suggest you two do now is collaborate your stories." Proposed the elf lord.

"Stories? I don't understand what you mean." Pierre looked confused.

"It seems Fiminur wants a word with you, it seems his daughter Phian was found in a rather make shift hole looking a bit worse for wears, you two wouldn't know anything about that."

"Nope." Lied Xavier putting his most innocent face on.

"I thought so. Right well I have things to do before I personally join the search party again, it seems the elves are really leaving these shores, Mirkwood is emptying."

……

"George! Look out!" Legolas and Kalin both notched their bows and began to fire at the unsuspecting Balrog.

"What are you doing!" Yelped George who ran at the elves and took them both down with a rugby tackle.

"Run! There's a Balrog!" Yelled Kalin.

"Yes I had noticed." Commented George. "Legolas, Kalin, this is Bernie the Balrog, I think you owe him an apology!"

Kalin and Legolas who were still sprawled on the floor looked up at George in bewilderment.

"Very well if you are going to be rude. Now where was I? Ah yes a fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant."

"George, you are talking to a Balrog." Pointed out Legolas.

"A big scary fiery did I mention big scary Balrog!" Reiterated Kalin.

"Bernie isn't scary, just misunderstood. So what brings you two here then?"

"George um could be go somewhere less um occupied by a Balrog?" Asked Legolas warily.

"Oh Bernie doesn't like to be left alone."

"Um…well Kalin will make sure he is all right."

"What!" Yelped Kalin.

"Word of warning, if he gets a bit gassy try not to light anything." Advised George as he followed Legolas out of the dark.

"I want you to come back to Mirkwood George."

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, why?"

"Because I need your help, I'm afraid that the children will forget their mother, you are her closest relative, they need you, please George."

"George?"

"What's wrong with you, you're George!" Snapped Legolas.

"I am what am left of George like a symbolism of a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness."

"You've lost it."

"It! No it, I didn't mean to loose you." George began to run around in circles.

"Um George…" Legolas tried to restrain the flailing George and as he did he got a whiff of his breath. "Hang on you aren't crazy, you're an alcoholic!"

"I object! I'm not an alcoholic! I'm a drunk, alcoholics go to meetings."

"Right that is it; I'm taking you home where you can sober up."

"Man I feel all warm and fuzzy inside like I just ate a live squirrel, I love you Legolas everybody loves you although no one more than Emily loves you." Slurred George.

'Loved me.' Thought Legolas reverting to past tense.

……

George: Dude I am back!

Emily: All we need is Kai to come back.

G: We could always write you back in!

E: Now why would we do a thing like that! Anyhow, only one review for the last chapter! Tell us you want us! Here is the ONE thank you:

Princess Shadowcat – You are officially loved by us as our only reviewer! Hmmmm fudge, now I'm hungry! George choose Moria because it resembles the place he is living in at the moment, he he!